Since I'm not even sure who's still reading my rants... Can I just vent for a minute? My car window fell into the door- and I would really say bad words (besides the fact that I don't have the $ to fix it) if the car wasn't given to me by my wonderful parents. It's still taking a lot of getting used to an American-made automatic (I had a Honda stick shift when I first moved here). It's going to rain tonight, so I taped a garbage bag to the door so my whole car wouldn't get all wet. I leave on vacation to go to Minneapolis (to see Hilary- my BFF) and then that Tuesday after Memorial day until the following Monday, I'll be with my family in Lansing. I need this vacation and time away to just relax- hopefully between Hilary and my family they can make me do just that!
I thought it would be a great idea to book LOT'S of doctors appointments in the 2.5 weeks I have between classes being out and until I go back to the Midwest- but it turns out that I have booked myself SO SOLID everyday that I'm pretty much living out of my car and have 1000 things to do. Turns out I'm NOT super woman and can't do a million things like I used to. I'm slowly getting used to the fact that, in the words of my best friend Tara, 'the stroke has made my plate a lot smaller' and I have to get used to that. I HATE IT. All of the things that the stroke took away from me, even more than my independence and freedom, I think I miss the ability to multi-task well the most. It's a big shock to my pride and ego to not be able to do all of the things that I used to, and it's still something I'm daily getting used to- usually in the car running from one place to the other, usually doctors appointments unfortunately. :( My neurologist has faxed in my referral letter to the Mayo clinic in Rochester, MN- the best neurological hospital in the world, so now it's just a waiting game with them. IF I get in for an appointment, it could be up to six months of waiting. Deep breaths, we'll find out what's wrong eventually.
People have asked if I still have their ____ and I probably do... it's just in a box- give me a month to find it. I went looking for a new bathing suit today- and the smallest size they had was a 14. I may have gained all of the weight back that I lost in the hospital... but I'm not that big. So even though I haven't bought a new one since 2000... I'm going to wait until I see Hilary this weekend. So my window won't roll up, it's almost vacation but I still have to wait until Friday to leave on the plane (when am I going to pack again?), I have to wait on the new bathing suit, I get to play the waiting game with the Mayo clinic, I have to find time to box everything up because I move the day after I get back- and really, I just want to say bad things. The short of it is- I'm frustrated. There just needs to be more time in the day. Or Maybe I just need to learn how to NOT fill up my time with so much junk. It will all get done- or maybe I just need to learn that it's not all urgent.
I figured it out- by the time I move again in a few weeks, I'll have spent an average of 10 weeks in a place in the last year since getting out of the hospital. 10. 5 moves in a year= 10 weeks. Even for a "normal"/non-TBI person, that's a lot. Since I can't remember what I usually have had for breakfast- trying to remember all of those addresses= not fun. Yes, I've done it to myself, and each move has had it reasons, but it doesn't make living out of the car or boxes any easier, and it's still something I'm having to daily get used to as well. Getting used to the fact that things aren't all that urgent, slowing down, trying to remember everything by writing everything down, finding time to pack boxes and my suitcase... yeah, there's just a lot going on right now :) And those are my random thoughts & ventings for tonight! Thanks for continuing to follow along and read about my progress!
Love,
Amy Christine
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Trying to stay positive...
I had a really bad migraine this week on my chocolate challenge day. It was the same day that we ended up switching my medicine, and I was challenging chocolate, and with my vacation coming up next Friday- there was A LOT going on so I can't pinpoint it on any "one" thing in particular. My doctor said if I took Maxalt (which is what I take a migraine) my heart might race on that medicine. I had taken something similar before, so I wasn't too worried. I took one before I went to bed that night, and sure enough, my heart started racing. Since we still don't know why I had the stroke or I'm getting Migraine headaches, I went and woke up Doug upstairs. I felt horrible about it, but wanted to check it out to put myself & my family at ease. I went to the ER, and my EKG came back within normal range, but it was still scary. The ER late at night is never pleasant. They gave my an IV and some migraine medication, which certainly dulled it's activity, but it came back late last night. It's days like this where it is hard for me to remain positive. No answers, no direction, saved for an unknown purpose and having to trust that He knows what He's doing. I just wish he would give me or the doctors some sort of glimpse. My mom said it best- I've never been a patient person, so this whole thing is a hands-on lesson in patience.
I have so many things going on- between the stroke, daily headaches, school, the unknown possibilty of going to the Mayo clinic, going to be moving again soon- there's just a lot on my plate and nothing that I can really get rid of. I thought about things with my counselor, Jolene, and my best friend Tara, and as long as I don't get back to the point of overloading my plate like I used to (which I have great friends and family to tell when when I look too busy), I should be OK with my stress level in this season. I hope that it eventually gets better once school is over with! Just learning to balance- and graduate school seems to be a great time to do so!
Also, with driving again, I've realized that speeding and road rage aren't really a big deal for me. When people cut me off or speed by me- I just let them and write them imaginary tickets in my head, like my friend Phil. Having a near-death experience personally puts things into perspective for me. It's just not worth it- I've already had my second chance and I wouldn't want to use this one up by trying to pass someone. Getting someplace 5 minutes earlier isn't a big enough deal to me to be reckless on the roads.
And those are my random thoughts for today! Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for continuing to follow along! :) I leave for vacation this comin Friday! YEA!
Love,
Amy
I have so many things going on- between the stroke, daily headaches, school, the unknown possibilty of going to the Mayo clinic, going to be moving again soon- there's just a lot on my plate and nothing that I can really get rid of. I thought about things with my counselor, Jolene, and my best friend Tara, and as long as I don't get back to the point of overloading my plate like I used to (which I have great friends and family to tell when when I look too busy), I should be OK with my stress level in this season. I hope that it eventually gets better once school is over with! Just learning to balance- and graduate school seems to be a great time to do so!
Also, with driving again, I've realized that speeding and road rage aren't really a big deal for me. When people cut me off or speed by me- I just let them and write them imaginary tickets in my head, like my friend Phil. Having a near-death experience personally puts things into perspective for me. It's just not worth it- I've already had my second chance and I wouldn't want to use this one up by trying to pass someone. Getting someplace 5 minutes earlier isn't a big enough deal to me to be reckless on the roads.
And those are my random thoughts for today! Hope you enjoyed! Thanks for continuing to follow along! :) I leave for vacation this comin Friday! YEA!
Love,
Amy
Monday, May 17, 2010
I have to write EVERYTHING down
So here are my thoughts for today: I don't need an address, just send all my mail to my car because I pretty much LIVE there. I eat there, I visit with friends and then drive to school, I travel all over the city for various doctors appointments... I really don't even need a "house" except for a place to sleep a night anyway.
Also, I have to write EVERYTHING down now or else I forget it. I have a "journal" for my doctors appointments, I write down everything that I eat (and have been for about 2.5 months), directions to all of the doctors appointments that I'm going to, my to-do list for the day, everything for my car (mileage, how much it costs to fill up, etc.), my budget (which is incredibly small and humbling)... but I have to do these things in order to "not forget" things... I HATE that my brain is Swiss Cheese now, but it's the only way I know how to cope with these changes and live independently. It's my new coping mechanism. Call me OCD if you want, but it's the only way I know of to make this work now.
With all of these moves, I'm losing things. 5 moves in a year- you start to go... That was in a box... somewhere... and it doesn't help that I can't remember much anymore . There's really not much I can do to change my circumstances, so Jolene (my counselor) is helping me see the good things that are around me in the midst of all of it. One of those things is one of my former Tech's from the hospital (who I know will be reading this eventually). She continues to pop up in the most random of places, but continues to remind me that God has his ways and purposes though all of this. She's roommates with one of the registrars here at Denver Seminary- who asked her to pray for me months before we actually met last year when I was an inpatient at Craig. She has certainly become a blessing though all of this for sure! Thanks for everything Lin and the reminders that He will continue to be faithful! :)
I went to our school's graduation ceremony this last Saturday, and my friend Tara expressed it well for me: although I was so excited for my original classmates to be done with school and was rejoicing with them, it was really bittersweet to have the last year in my face as a reminder of what I haven't accomplished yet. Although I'll still graduate from Denver Seminary, it was hard to be in a celebratory mood with everyone when I was still grieving the loss of the hope that I'll yet finish. Deep breaths- one more year. I can do this. I've overcome A LOT in the last year to get back to this point, and that determination and stubbornness better get me a master's degree within a year! :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Also, I have to write EVERYTHING down now or else I forget it. I have a "journal" for my doctors appointments, I write down everything that I eat (and have been for about 2.5 months), directions to all of the doctors appointments that I'm going to, my to-do list for the day, everything for my car (mileage, how much it costs to fill up, etc.), my budget (which is incredibly small and humbling)... but I have to do these things in order to "not forget" things... I HATE that my brain is Swiss Cheese now, but it's the only way I know how to cope with these changes and live independently. It's my new coping mechanism. Call me OCD if you want, but it's the only way I know of to make this work now.
With all of these moves, I'm losing things. 5 moves in a year- you start to go... That was in a box... somewhere... and it doesn't help that I can't remember much anymore . There's really not much I can do to change my circumstances, so Jolene (my counselor) is helping me see the good things that are around me in the midst of all of it. One of those things is one of my former Tech's from the hospital (who I know will be reading this eventually). She continues to pop up in the most random of places, but continues to remind me that God has his ways and purposes though all of this. She's roommates with one of the registrars here at Denver Seminary- who asked her to pray for me months before we actually met last year when I was an inpatient at Craig. She has certainly become a blessing though all of this for sure! Thanks for everything Lin and the reminders that He will continue to be faithful! :)
I went to our school's graduation ceremony this last Saturday, and my friend Tara expressed it well for me: although I was so excited for my original classmates to be done with school and was rejoicing with them, it was really bittersweet to have the last year in my face as a reminder of what I haven't accomplished yet. Although I'll still graduate from Denver Seminary, it was hard to be in a celebratory mood with everyone when I was still grieving the loss of the hope that I'll yet finish. Deep breaths- one more year. I can do this. I've overcome A LOT in the last year to get back to this point, and that determination and stubbornness better get me a master's degree within a year! :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Sunday, May 16, 2010
HFCS and such
So I've figured out ONE of my triggers. Not very fun to try and introduce things back into your diet and wait for a migraine, but it's really one of the only ways that I've figured out how to do this. I reintroduced high fructose corn syrup into my diet right before finals, got a migraine, and figured it was probably because I didn't sleep very well the night before and the stress from Finals. I did it again yesterday, and got one today. I don't think it's as potent as some people because I can still tolerate it, like in graham crackers, but I did the "challenge" with 7-up, and now I'm paying for it. Later this week will be coffee and then maybe nut butters (Peanut Butter) and chocolate, because I miss them. Please Baby Jesus, not coffee. Even if I have to drink decaf, that be better than giving it up entirely. So far I've narrowed it down to: Stress, sleep, barometric fronts, and HFCS. At least I have a start on some answers?
Since I have two weeks until I go back to the midwest to see my friends and family, I'm trying to reintroduce some of these things before I go and I'm meeting with about a dozen doctors on my time "off". As I've been on the phone with them an such, they have asked things like "Have you been to our website?"... probably... but you're asking someone with a Swiss Cheese brain who can't remember what she had for breakfast and I'm seeing like a doctor a day... so maybe? Yes, I know, it's my fault for packing a lot into a few weeks, but I didn't have much of a choice- had to do these things SOME time and my time "off" was as good of a time as any! :)
One other thing that I've been thinking about randomly lately is how I don't have much of a backbone. I think my internship at the Pregnancy Center downtown will be a good place for me to learn some assertiveness skills, because I don't already have a relationship with those women. It's hard for me to call out someone that I love out if they have hurt me because I have a fear that I'm going to lose that relationship somehow. It might be flawed thinking, but that's just me. When I don't hear back on a text, email, or voicemail for someone that I love, it immediately makes me jump to "Is my phone on the short bus?" "Am I paying for service and it's not going through?" "Did I do something to offend them somehow?" when it may just be that the text never went through (in which case I need to complain to my phone company) or that I have done something to hurt them (which I need to know so I can apologize) or that they are just busy (which, aren't we all?). It makes me feel invalidated and unimportant, which is something that I need to learn at Alternatives to know that my worth isn't dependant upon the return of a silly text... but still. Just text me back and let me know that you got it, or you're tired, or whatever. With all that I have going on, I have too many balls in the air to worry about that besides. Just my thoughts on that... and those are my random thoughts for today! :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Since I have two weeks until I go back to the midwest to see my friends and family, I'm trying to reintroduce some of these things before I go and I'm meeting with about a dozen doctors on my time "off". As I've been on the phone with them an such, they have asked things like "Have you been to our website?"... probably... but you're asking someone with a Swiss Cheese brain who can't remember what she had for breakfast and I'm seeing like a doctor a day... so maybe? Yes, I know, it's my fault for packing a lot into a few weeks, but I didn't have much of a choice- had to do these things SOME time and my time "off" was as good of a time as any! :)
One other thing that I've been thinking about randomly lately is how I don't have much of a backbone. I think my internship at the Pregnancy Center downtown will be a good place for me to learn some assertiveness skills, because I don't already have a relationship with those women. It's hard for me to call out someone that I love out if they have hurt me because I have a fear that I'm going to lose that relationship somehow. It might be flawed thinking, but that's just me. When I don't hear back on a text, email, or voicemail for someone that I love, it immediately makes me jump to "Is my phone on the short bus?" "Am I paying for service and it's not going through?" "Did I do something to offend them somehow?" when it may just be that the text never went through (in which case I need to complain to my phone company) or that I have done something to hurt them (which I need to know so I can apologize) or that they are just busy (which, aren't we all?). It makes me feel invalidated and unimportant, which is something that I need to learn at Alternatives to know that my worth isn't dependant upon the return of a silly text... but still. Just text me back and let me know that you got it, or you're tired, or whatever. With all that I have going on, I have too many balls in the air to worry about that besides. Just my thoughts on that... and those are my random thoughts for today! :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Sunday, May 9, 2010
"Diagnosis", Finals, Vacation, and lack of sleep
I have a lot going on, even from a “healthy” persons’ standpoint. Moving again in a month, my final exams coming up, friends graduating from Seminary and other places, the ambiguity of going to the doctors and they still don’t know what’s wrong with me, pregnant friends that I really want to rejoice with, not sleeping well at night (I wake up around 2:30-5:30 and can't fall back asleep), financial burdens of living off a budget and trying to make ends magically meet by creative means, my upcoming vacation back to the Midwest to see Hilary and my family… there’s a few things to deal with in my life for only taking 6 graduate school credits. When people ask me what's going, on, I hate telling them my real answer for that very reason. When I’ve explained all that to the doctors, my massage therapist, my mentor, my counselor, etc- they all just shake their heads and go “well, that’s a lot to deal with, but it explains why your body is reacting this way”. Every time I study for class, I can feel my right shoulder get really tense and almost fuse to my neck. Sheri says that her shoulder does the same thing, so I think it has something to do with our strokes. We walk around the house with our hot buddies and look like quite the pair!
Fibrinoylsis. Finally, I have a name for something that my body is going through. Again, it’s not really an answer to anything, but I have something more to deal with as a result from the stroke. Apparently it’s a blood disorder where I have the tendency to clot easy and to bleed easy. I don’t know how both can be true, but apparently it is in my blood. I've also learned that it didn’t cause the stroke and it won’t put me at a higher risk of having another one (both are good news!), but it’s an answer to some of the ambiguity that’s been going on in my life at least. The only thing my blood doctor said on Thursday is that there is some medicine that they can put me on (I've been like a yo-yo on it since I was off the comudain), but I don’t know how long I will be on it. I had a weird nose bleed the day before I saw him, so he took me off my Aspirin for now (I was taking that to think my blood- his orders from the fall- I’ll be on it for life now). I see him again in two months, and have a lot more questions about this condition when I do. I feel like my medications change weekly anyway- I can’t sleep on that one- that one makes me jittery, etc. so they fluctuate and almost aren’t fitting into their “spots” in my pill organizer anymore. Yes, I’m not even 30, and I have one. Your grandma and I can be friends!
I just broke down with my Blood doctor and started crying, because I just want answers. It doesn't seem like too much to ask- they only went to school for a decade! We still don’t know what caused the stroke or what’s causing my migraines. It’s so hard on me being a medical anomaly. “We’re sorry, we don’t know what the*$&% is wrong with you, but can you pay your insurance bill please?” I know that a diagnosis wouldn’t change anything, but at least it would be an answer or a reason for all of this. Not that I want a serious medical condition, but a culprit and/or a reason instead of the confusion would be nice right about now. I think some of the dealing with ambiguity and not-knowing is good for me, because it’s teaching me to trust Him with the big stuff in the unknowns. I contacted the Mayo Clinic to try and see what they may say, since they have over 50 doctors that all specialize in neurological anomalies. I should hear back from them this week as to how long it would be until they could get me into see them. I’m hoping that seeing them and hopefully having them figure this out will be worth it—at least a step in the right direction.
I know reading this blog can sometimes be heavy for the handful of you who still read this, and I am not purposefully making it that way by any means. These are just the things that are going on in my life right now and I want to be open and honest about what I’m dealing with in Denver and School and such. Thanks for continuing to support me with your words of encouragement, paying for meals when we go out together, and staying faithful to reading this. It means a lot though all of this ambiguity to know that I have a faithful reading audience to read my rants alongside me.
My times with my counselor Jolene have been great lately. She asks really good questions of me that force me to think, and I think having her in my life right now is one of the most validating things to hear ‘you’re not alone in this’. I’ve told her that I want to be a ‘Jolene’ to someone someday after school at Denver Seminary. We’ve also talked about once I get out of school and finish my degree—not going in the track that I had seen for myself, but still using it in some capacity. She’s continued to validated and reaffirmed my choices, and thinks that I could use my journals, Caring Bridge, theological reflections, etc. to get a good start on my book. It’s just when and where I would get the time to actually focus on the rest of it! She was really proud of me for having some “down time” before I go back to see my loved ones, then come back and move, then start my class, start the pain management clinic in the afternoons at a clinic in Aurora, and then put it in more hours at my Internship in August. Maybe the Mayo clinic will also be in there? If not, I’ll probably have to wait until our fall break to find enough time to come out there. Either way, the summer is looking busy, but it should be busy in trying to find me some answers. My mom said she would go to Mayo with me, and we could stay with the Autry’s since it’s only an hour and a half away. Plus I’d get more time with Hil- that doesn’t suck either!
I tend to get frustrated with people that I send a message to, that won’t respond for days. It makes me wonder several things: Did the text just not go through (this has happened plenty of times previously on this phone company)? Am I just not important enough to _____ to even respond to? Did I catch them at a bad time? But after days go by for a simple question, “Did I possibly leave ___ at your house” with no response… then I start asking more questions of “What did I do to them to deserve the silent treatment?” or “What can I do to show them that I love them and that they’re not getting back to me is interpreted in a way where I don’t see myself as important enough to respond to?” All of these things cross my mind at some point when I don’t hear back from someone that I love and have attempted to contact. I’m being forced to ask some hard questions that even our parents haven’t had to ask yet, and I get to do it in the midst of not having answers from the doctors, while still being in graduate school, and having each of these things going on in my life. I’ve even asked –is there something I could cut out or not do? Not really, everything is a more or less standard that has to stay for X reason. I have a final tomorrow afternoon and one again on Wednesday, and then I might start thinking about the blood diagnosis I can do nothing about, or what I need to do in the 2.5 weeks before returning to MI. More doctors visits, packing, organizing my basement so that the move this time is as orderly as humanly possible, maybe some background hours reading, possibly starting on my book (it’s a book that needs to be written, it’s just when), maybe some more background hours with my friends who are still enrolled in the program too- I just don’t want to put too much on my plate and then go ‘Uh Oh!’. Jolene and Lesa (my mentor) have been really good at calling me out and asking “Should you be loading your schedule up the way you used to so that you will continue to feel burnt out and not give your best to the people that you love? Is that even fair to you or to them?” Those hard questions make me stop and go NO. There are a lot of things that I would like to do that just don’t somehow fit into the picture of my life right now, and I’m learning to be OK with that. Unless God wants to suddenly give me numberless hours in the day and a charge card to buy whatever I want (Yea, Carrots, I can eat those!).
I started challenging High Fructose Corn Syrup this last week, but I’m wondering if the week before two final exams, not sleeping well at night (I wake up between 2:30-5:30 just wide awake for no reason—honestly it pisses me off!) So that’s where I get my journaling done, these blog posts, etc- because I can’t allow myself to be idle. I watched an MTV show called True Life and they had three men on there who have Traumatic Brain Injuries. I cried through the whole show, because so much of what they are going through has been my experience in the last year. One guy mentioned that he gets fatigued really easily. I think I didn’t notice the fatigue in me as much because for so many years I still had to go to work, school, be with friends- through the pain- so I couldn’t even stop when others would look at me and tell me that I was exhausted and needed rest. Stopping is NOT something that I could or can consider, and I’ I don’t even know how to stop or slow down anymore… maybe there is a reason for all of the ambiguity right now because He just wants me to stop and wait it out. Besides all of the transition, new medication to control this ___, trying out this technique for a time—I just want the answers. Sheri said the other day over lunch to ask for Peace- because the answers may not come and peace probably will in the meantime. So much to think about and consider, and none of it has anything to do with my two finals this week. Let’s just put my baggage up on the shelf and deal with that after I study for my Careers in counseling final and Social & Cultural Foundations finals this week. After that, I can give up the space that has been holding that information to thinking about other things- like the Mayo clinic (when, how, etc), starting internship (which is going to be heavy but be good for me to learn how to be direct and free to talk about the things that really matter to these clients in a way that they can receive), and starting my summer class in the middle of June. I’m also thinking that since my doctors are spread all over the city, I might use the time between finishing and leaving for the Midwest to write them all a letter and say “Dr. Alvarez put me on this and has found that my blood has the tendency to do this” so they can all have the information together and my current list of medication (those they seem to change like, weekly). They are all going to need each other’s numbers and the best ways to get a-hold of me too. There’s a lot going on, but I’m (hoping) that lot’s on my plate means that we are getting closer to answers? Maybe?
I've become like an infant with my sleep needs. It seems ridiculous, but I need about 8-10 hours of sleep to function like a "normal" person lately. I've been getting like 5-6 with the waking up, and it pisses me off. Normally, that wouldn't be such a big deal, but I tend to slur my speech and other things when I'm tired. I hate complaining about it, but sleep is a really big deal in my life (and not very conducive to a graduate student!). The thought of trying to balance everything I'm doing plus a part-time job again or something makes me want to hyperventilate.
Thanks to my faithful handful who continues to follow along and encourage me. You guys provide such a source of strength and support from all over the world in this and it makes me appreciate you all the more!
Love,
Amy Christine
Fibrinoylsis. Finally, I have a name for something that my body is going through. Again, it’s not really an answer to anything, but I have something more to deal with as a result from the stroke. Apparently it’s a blood disorder where I have the tendency to clot easy and to bleed easy. I don’t know how both can be true, but apparently it is in my blood. I've also learned that it didn’t cause the stroke and it won’t put me at a higher risk of having another one (both are good news!), but it’s an answer to some of the ambiguity that’s been going on in my life at least. The only thing my blood doctor said on Thursday is that there is some medicine that they can put me on (I've been like a yo-yo on it since I was off the comudain), but I don’t know how long I will be on it. I had a weird nose bleed the day before I saw him, so he took me off my Aspirin for now (I was taking that to think my blood- his orders from the fall- I’ll be on it for life now). I see him again in two months, and have a lot more questions about this condition when I do. I feel like my medications change weekly anyway- I can’t sleep on that one- that one makes me jittery, etc. so they fluctuate and almost aren’t fitting into their “spots” in my pill organizer anymore. Yes, I’m not even 30, and I have one. Your grandma and I can be friends!
I just broke down with my Blood doctor and started crying, because I just want answers. It doesn't seem like too much to ask- they only went to school for a decade! We still don’t know what caused the stroke or what’s causing my migraines. It’s so hard on me being a medical anomaly. “We’re sorry, we don’t know what the*$&% is wrong with you, but can you pay your insurance bill please?” I know that a diagnosis wouldn’t change anything, but at least it would be an answer or a reason for all of this. Not that I want a serious medical condition, but a culprit and/or a reason instead of the confusion would be nice right about now. I think some of the dealing with ambiguity and not-knowing is good for me, because it’s teaching me to trust Him with the big stuff in the unknowns. I contacted the Mayo Clinic to try and see what they may say, since they have over 50 doctors that all specialize in neurological anomalies. I should hear back from them this week as to how long it would be until they could get me into see them. I’m hoping that seeing them and hopefully having them figure this out will be worth it—at least a step in the right direction.
I know reading this blog can sometimes be heavy for the handful of you who still read this, and I am not purposefully making it that way by any means. These are just the things that are going on in my life right now and I want to be open and honest about what I’m dealing with in Denver and School and such. Thanks for continuing to support me with your words of encouragement, paying for meals when we go out together, and staying faithful to reading this. It means a lot though all of this ambiguity to know that I have a faithful reading audience to read my rants alongside me.
My times with my counselor Jolene have been great lately. She asks really good questions of me that force me to think, and I think having her in my life right now is one of the most validating things to hear ‘you’re not alone in this’. I’ve told her that I want to be a ‘Jolene’ to someone someday after school at Denver Seminary. We’ve also talked about once I get out of school and finish my degree—not going in the track that I had seen for myself, but still using it in some capacity. She’s continued to validated and reaffirmed my choices, and thinks that I could use my journals, Caring Bridge, theological reflections, etc. to get a good start on my book. It’s just when and where I would get the time to actually focus on the rest of it! She was really proud of me for having some “down time” before I go back to see my loved ones, then come back and move, then start my class, start the pain management clinic in the afternoons at a clinic in Aurora, and then put it in more hours at my Internship in August. Maybe the Mayo clinic will also be in there? If not, I’ll probably have to wait until our fall break to find enough time to come out there. Either way, the summer is looking busy, but it should be busy in trying to find me some answers. My mom said she would go to Mayo with me, and we could stay with the Autry’s since it’s only an hour and a half away. Plus I’d get more time with Hil- that doesn’t suck either!
I tend to get frustrated with people that I send a message to, that won’t respond for days. It makes me wonder several things: Did the text just not go through (this has happened plenty of times previously on this phone company)? Am I just not important enough to _____ to even respond to? Did I catch them at a bad time? But after days go by for a simple question, “Did I possibly leave ___ at your house” with no response… then I start asking more questions of “What did I do to them to deserve the silent treatment?” or “What can I do to show them that I love them and that they’re not getting back to me is interpreted in a way where I don’t see myself as important enough to respond to?” All of these things cross my mind at some point when I don’t hear back from someone that I love and have attempted to contact. I’m being forced to ask some hard questions that even our parents haven’t had to ask yet, and I get to do it in the midst of not having answers from the doctors, while still being in graduate school, and having each of these things going on in my life. I’ve even asked –is there something I could cut out or not do? Not really, everything is a more or less standard that has to stay for X reason. I have a final tomorrow afternoon and one again on Wednesday, and then I might start thinking about the blood diagnosis I can do nothing about, or what I need to do in the 2.5 weeks before returning to MI. More doctors visits, packing, organizing my basement so that the move this time is as orderly as humanly possible, maybe some background hours reading, possibly starting on my book (it’s a book that needs to be written, it’s just when), maybe some more background hours with my friends who are still enrolled in the program too- I just don’t want to put too much on my plate and then go ‘Uh Oh!’. Jolene and Lesa (my mentor) have been really good at calling me out and asking “Should you be loading your schedule up the way you used to so that you will continue to feel burnt out and not give your best to the people that you love? Is that even fair to you or to them?” Those hard questions make me stop and go NO. There are a lot of things that I would like to do that just don’t somehow fit into the picture of my life right now, and I’m learning to be OK with that. Unless God wants to suddenly give me numberless hours in the day and a charge card to buy whatever I want (Yea, Carrots, I can eat those!).
I started challenging High Fructose Corn Syrup this last week, but I’m wondering if the week before two final exams, not sleeping well at night (I wake up between 2:30-5:30 just wide awake for no reason—honestly it pisses me off!) So that’s where I get my journaling done, these blog posts, etc- because I can’t allow myself to be idle. I watched an MTV show called True Life and they had three men on there who have Traumatic Brain Injuries. I cried through the whole show, because so much of what they are going through has been my experience in the last year. One guy mentioned that he gets fatigued really easily. I think I didn’t notice the fatigue in me as much because for so many years I still had to go to work, school, be with friends- through the pain- so I couldn’t even stop when others would look at me and tell me that I was exhausted and needed rest. Stopping is NOT something that I could or can consider, and I’ I don’t even know how to stop or slow down anymore… maybe there is a reason for all of the ambiguity right now because He just wants me to stop and wait it out. Besides all of the transition, new medication to control this ___, trying out this technique for a time—I just want the answers. Sheri said the other day over lunch to ask for Peace- because the answers may not come and peace probably will in the meantime. So much to think about and consider, and none of it has anything to do with my two finals this week. Let’s just put my baggage up on the shelf and deal with that after I study for my Careers in counseling final and Social & Cultural Foundations finals this week. After that, I can give up the space that has been holding that information to thinking about other things- like the Mayo clinic (when, how, etc), starting internship (which is going to be heavy but be good for me to learn how to be direct and free to talk about the things that really matter to these clients in a way that they can receive), and starting my summer class in the middle of June. I’m also thinking that since my doctors are spread all over the city, I might use the time between finishing and leaving for the Midwest to write them all a letter and say “Dr. Alvarez put me on this and has found that my blood has the tendency to do this” so they can all have the information together and my current list of medication (those they seem to change like, weekly). They are all going to need each other’s numbers and the best ways to get a-hold of me too. There’s a lot going on, but I’m (hoping) that lot’s on my plate means that we are getting closer to answers? Maybe?
I've become like an infant with my sleep needs. It seems ridiculous, but I need about 8-10 hours of sleep to function like a "normal" person lately. I've been getting like 5-6 with the waking up, and it pisses me off. Normally, that wouldn't be such a big deal, but I tend to slur my speech and other things when I'm tired. I hate complaining about it, but sleep is a really big deal in my life (and not very conducive to a graduate student!). The thought of trying to balance everything I'm doing plus a part-time job again or something makes me want to hyperventilate.
Thanks to my faithful handful who continues to follow along and encourage me. You guys provide such a source of strength and support from all over the world in this and it makes me appreciate you all the more!
Love,
Amy Christine
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Frustrations
This whole last year has been full of various frustrations, with the medical community just looking at me dumbfounded and not knowing what the *#&%$ is wrong with me; to unreturned phone calls, emails, texts, voice mails, etc. from people that I love dealy; to having every part of your independence stripped away from you and then you're left there to deal with ambiguity and the unknowns without any real support nearby and tangible throughout it all. To say I'm left frustrated in a ambiguous ball of tension with A LOT going on around me is an understatement. Because the doctors don't seem to know what's wrong with me, I'm going to go see a chiropractor (that a friend with Migraine headaches recommended) and a naturalist (a recommendation from my Mentor at school) before I go back to the Midwest over Memorial day.
I'm trying REALLY hard not to become bitter in it all, but I'm left with 100's more questions than answers and really nothing in my life is a given anymore. When you have 5 moves in a year, all of your independence taken away, and no real constants around you besides the unknowns, you start to question everything. To be honest, I'm tired. I'm tired of asking the questions and just getting silence. This last year+ has been one I never, ever, ever want ANYONE to have to go through because it has been so hard. And those are my laments & thoughts today :)
Love,
Amy Christine
I'm trying REALLY hard not to become bitter in it all, but I'm left with 100's more questions than answers and really nothing in my life is a given anymore. When you have 5 moves in a year, all of your independence taken away, and no real constants around you besides the unknowns, you start to question everything. To be honest, I'm tired. I'm tired of asking the questions and just getting silence. This last year+ has been one I never, ever, ever want ANYONE to have to go through because it has been so hard. And those are my laments & thoughts today :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Confirmation
I've gone out and chatted with several different wise people in my life, and they have all validated and confirmed that I'm on the right path- going into counseling still but just working with a different population when I'm done with school in a year. I'll still get my master's degree in counseling from Denver Seminary next May, but look for a job when I'm done working as a rehabilitation counselor or something closer to MI, maybe even the twin cities. I'd be closer to Hilary, and it would only be about a 9-10 hour drive to Lansing if there was something going on with my family or something in Lansing. For a lot of different reasons, this seems to make the most sense for me right now, instead of starting a different degree or not even finishing since I'm so close. I've learned to LOVE Colorado, but my flight over Memorial day just confirmed that I can't keep doing this, especially once I'm in a relationship or have other people to (potentially) fly back to the Midwest with me.
I went out with a friend who had come out to do the church plant with us and she also helped my mother with paperwork for social security when I was in the hospital (she's just wonderful), and not only did Julie confirm my descisions about school and such (she does social work for a living right now), but also complimented me on how far I've come, with my speech and all of the accomplishments and such. When she left and moved back to Indiana over the summer, I was still in the hospital. Even though I'm still really self-conscious about my speech, it was nice to have someone who knew me beforehand tell me that she thinks that in many ways, I'm back to my old self. I think I lose track of that because I have so much going on in my life right now and it's hard to see the daily progess when you're just in the thick of it. I'm also REALLY self-conscious about starting a conversation and forgetting why I started saying it, forgetting where I've put something, reading something and not recalling it later, and other dramas with this recovery process. It hasn't been fun, that's for sure!
I also met with another great set of friends today, and they compliemented me on my financial descisions. Even if things are really tight right now, I've put things away in savings and I'm really sticking to my budget, even when it sucks and I don't want to anymore. Even on these specific diets, I'm able to make it work because I can just eat carrots or apples really. I've realized that even if other people can't see my descisions or my planning, I am making hard adult choices for the best for me regardless. Even though those compliments meant a lot to me, I've realized that I don't need them.
The diet SUCKS. I still got a migraine this last week, but I'm not sure that it was even dietary triggered. It's hard to distinguish as well because I have a chronic daily headache too. I never know when that is going to errupt into a migraine. Regardless, I gave up high fructose corn syrup last weekend, and that will be the easiet thing to challenge back into my diet, so I'm drinking 7-UP tomorrow to see what happens.
I have 1.5 weeks of clas left- one paper to go and two finals. I laughed with a friend who's graduating this semester who said he has senioritis. He said he stopped caring earlier this semester. I think I have it too, but I still have a year left. It's probably bad to not care and still have that long huh? I also have less than 5 weeks until I go back to the Midwest over Memorial day! YEAH! I need this vacation so badly! And those are my random thoughts for right now! :)
Love,
Amy Christine
I went out with a friend who had come out to do the church plant with us and she also helped my mother with paperwork for social security when I was in the hospital (she's just wonderful), and not only did Julie confirm my descisions about school and such (she does social work for a living right now), but also complimented me on how far I've come, with my speech and all of the accomplishments and such. When she left and moved back to Indiana over the summer, I was still in the hospital. Even though I'm still really self-conscious about my speech, it was nice to have someone who knew me beforehand tell me that she thinks that in many ways, I'm back to my old self. I think I lose track of that because I have so much going on in my life right now and it's hard to see the daily progess when you're just in the thick of it. I'm also REALLY self-conscious about starting a conversation and forgetting why I started saying it, forgetting where I've put something, reading something and not recalling it later, and other dramas with this recovery process. It hasn't been fun, that's for sure!
I also met with another great set of friends today, and they compliemented me on my financial descisions. Even if things are really tight right now, I've put things away in savings and I'm really sticking to my budget, even when it sucks and I don't want to anymore. Even on these specific diets, I'm able to make it work because I can just eat carrots or apples really. I've realized that even if other people can't see my descisions or my planning, I am making hard adult choices for the best for me regardless. Even though those compliments meant a lot to me, I've realized that I don't need them.
The diet SUCKS. I still got a migraine this last week, but I'm not sure that it was even dietary triggered. It's hard to distinguish as well because I have a chronic daily headache too. I never know when that is going to errupt into a migraine. Regardless, I gave up high fructose corn syrup last weekend, and that will be the easiet thing to challenge back into my diet, so I'm drinking 7-UP tomorrow to see what happens.
I have 1.5 weeks of clas left- one paper to go and two finals. I laughed with a friend who's graduating this semester who said he has senioritis. He said he stopped caring earlier this semester. I think I have it too, but I still have a year left. It's probably bad to not care and still have that long huh? I also have less than 5 weeks until I go back to the Midwest over Memorial day! YEAH! I need this vacation so badly! And those are my random thoughts for right now! :)
Love,
Amy Christine
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