I have a lot going on, even from a “healthy” persons’ standpoint. Moving again in a month, my final exams coming up, friends graduating from Seminary and other places, the ambiguity of going to the doctors and they still don’t know what’s wrong with me, pregnant friends that I really want to rejoice with, not sleeping well at night (I wake up around 2:30-5:30 and can't fall back asleep), financial burdens of living off a budget and trying to make ends magically meet by creative means, my upcoming vacation back to the Midwest to see Hilary and my family… there’s a few things to deal with in my life for only taking 6 graduate school credits. When people ask me what's going, on, I hate telling them my real answer for that very reason. When I’ve explained all that to the doctors, my massage therapist, my mentor, my counselor, etc- they all just shake their heads and go “well, that’s a lot to deal with, but it explains why your body is reacting this way”. Every time I study for class, I can feel my right shoulder get really tense and almost fuse to my neck. Sheri says that her shoulder does the same thing, so I think it has something to do with our strokes. We walk around the house with our hot buddies and look like quite the pair!
Fibrinoylsis. Finally, I have a name for something that my body is going through. Again, it’s not really an answer to anything, but I have something more to deal with as a result from the stroke. Apparently it’s a blood disorder where I have the tendency to clot easy and to bleed easy. I don’t know how both can be true, but apparently it is in my blood. I've also learned that it didn’t cause the stroke and it won’t put me at a higher risk of having another one (both are good news!), but it’s an answer to some of the ambiguity that’s been going on in my life at least. The only thing my blood doctor said on Thursday is that there is some medicine that they can put me on (I've been like a yo-yo on it since I was off the comudain), but I don’t know how long I will be on it. I had a weird nose bleed the day before I saw him, so he took me off my Aspirin for now (I was taking that to think my blood- his orders from the fall- I’ll be on it for life now). I see him again in two months, and have a lot more questions about this condition when I do. I feel like my medications change weekly anyway- I can’t sleep on that one- that one makes me jittery, etc. so they fluctuate and almost aren’t fitting into their “spots” in my pill organizer anymore. Yes, I’m not even 30, and I have one. Your grandma and I can be friends!
I just broke down with my Blood doctor and started crying, because I just want answers. It doesn't seem like too much to ask- they only went to school for a decade! We still don’t know what caused the stroke or what’s causing my migraines. It’s so hard on me being a medical anomaly. “We’re sorry, we don’t know what the*$&% is wrong with you, but can you pay your insurance bill please?” I know that a diagnosis wouldn’t change anything, but at least it would be an answer or a reason for all of this. Not that I want a serious medical condition, but a culprit and/or a reason instead of the confusion would be nice right about now. I think some of the dealing with ambiguity and not-knowing is good for me, because it’s teaching me to trust Him with the big stuff in the unknowns. I contacted the Mayo Clinic to try and see what they may say, since they have over 50 doctors that all specialize in neurological anomalies. I should hear back from them this week as to how long it would be until they could get me into see them. I’m hoping that seeing them and hopefully having them figure this out will be worth it—at least a step in the right direction.
I know reading this blog can sometimes be heavy for the handful of you who still read this, and I am not purposefully making it that way by any means. These are just the things that are going on in my life right now and I want to be open and honest about what I’m dealing with in Denver and School and such. Thanks for continuing to support me with your words of encouragement, paying for meals when we go out together, and staying faithful to reading this. It means a lot though all of this ambiguity to know that I have a faithful reading audience to read my rants alongside me.
My times with my counselor Jolene have been great lately. She asks really good questions of me that force me to think, and I think having her in my life right now is one of the most validating things to hear ‘you’re not alone in this’. I’ve told her that I want to be a ‘Jolene’ to someone someday after school at Denver Seminary. We’ve also talked about once I get out of school and finish my degree—not going in the track that I had seen for myself, but still using it in some capacity. She’s continued to validated and reaffirmed my choices, and thinks that I could use my journals, Caring Bridge, theological reflections, etc. to get a good start on my book. It’s just when and where I would get the time to actually focus on the rest of it! She was really proud of me for having some “down time” before I go back to see my loved ones, then come back and move, then start my class, start the pain management clinic in the afternoons at a clinic in Aurora, and then put it in more hours at my Internship in August. Maybe the Mayo clinic will also be in there? If not, I’ll probably have to wait until our fall break to find enough time to come out there. Either way, the summer is looking busy, but it should be busy in trying to find me some answers. My mom said she would go to Mayo with me, and we could stay with the Autry’s since it’s only an hour and a half away. Plus I’d get more time with Hil- that doesn’t suck either!
I tend to get frustrated with people that I send a message to, that won’t respond for days. It makes me wonder several things: Did the text just not go through (this has happened plenty of times previously on this phone company)? Am I just not important enough to _____ to even respond to? Did I catch them at a bad time? But after days go by for a simple question, “Did I possibly leave ___ at your house” with no response… then I start asking more questions of “What did I do to them to deserve the silent treatment?” or “What can I do to show them that I love them and that they’re not getting back to me is interpreted in a way where I don’t see myself as important enough to respond to?” All of these things cross my mind at some point when I don’t hear back from someone that I love and have attempted to contact. I’m being forced to ask some hard questions that even our parents haven’t had to ask yet, and I get to do it in the midst of not having answers from the doctors, while still being in graduate school, and having each of these things going on in my life. I’ve even asked –is there something I could cut out or not do? Not really, everything is a more or less standard that has to stay for X reason. I have a final tomorrow afternoon and one again on Wednesday, and then I might start thinking about the blood diagnosis I can do nothing about, or what I need to do in the 2.5 weeks before returning to MI. More doctors visits, packing, organizing my basement so that the move this time is as orderly as humanly possible, maybe some background hours reading, possibly starting on my book (it’s a book that needs to be written, it’s just when), maybe some more background hours with my friends who are still enrolled in the program too- I just don’t want to put too much on my plate and then go ‘Uh Oh!’. Jolene and Lesa (my mentor) have been really good at calling me out and asking “Should you be loading your schedule up the way you used to so that you will continue to feel burnt out and not give your best to the people that you love? Is that even fair to you or to them?” Those hard questions make me stop and go NO. There are a lot of things that I would like to do that just don’t somehow fit into the picture of my life right now, and I’m learning to be OK with that. Unless God wants to suddenly give me numberless hours in the day and a charge card to buy whatever I want (Yea, Carrots, I can eat those!).
I started challenging High Fructose Corn Syrup this last week, but I’m wondering if the week before two final exams, not sleeping well at night (I wake up between 2:30-5:30 just wide awake for no reason—honestly it pisses me off!) So that’s where I get my journaling done, these blog posts, etc- because I can’t allow myself to be idle. I watched an MTV show called True Life and they had three men on there who have Traumatic Brain Injuries. I cried through the whole show, because so much of what they are going through has been my experience in the last year. One guy mentioned that he gets fatigued really easily. I think I didn’t notice the fatigue in me as much because for so many years I still had to go to work, school, be with friends- through the pain- so I couldn’t even stop when others would look at me and tell me that I was exhausted and needed rest. Stopping is NOT something that I could or can consider, and I’ I don’t even know how to stop or slow down anymore… maybe there is a reason for all of the ambiguity right now because He just wants me to stop and wait it out. Besides all of the transition, new medication to control this ___, trying out this technique for a time—I just want the answers. Sheri said the other day over lunch to ask for Peace- because the answers may not come and peace probably will in the meantime. So much to think about and consider, and none of it has anything to do with my two finals this week. Let’s just put my baggage up on the shelf and deal with that after I study for my Careers in counseling final and Social & Cultural Foundations finals this week. After that, I can give up the space that has been holding that information to thinking about other things- like the Mayo clinic (when, how, etc), starting internship (which is going to be heavy but be good for me to learn how to be direct and free to talk about the things that really matter to these clients in a way that they can receive), and starting my summer class in the middle of June. I’m also thinking that since my doctors are spread all over the city, I might use the time between finishing and leaving for the Midwest to write them all a letter and say “Dr. Alvarez put me on this and has found that my blood has the tendency to do this” so they can all have the information together and my current list of medication (those they seem to change like, weekly). They are all going to need each other’s numbers and the best ways to get a-hold of me too. There’s a lot going on, but I’m (hoping) that lot’s on my plate means that we are getting closer to answers? Maybe?
I've become like an infant with my sleep needs. It seems ridiculous, but I need about 8-10 hours of sleep to function like a "normal" person lately. I've been getting like 5-6 with the waking up, and it pisses me off. Normally, that wouldn't be such a big deal, but I tend to slur my speech and other things when I'm tired. I hate complaining about it, but sleep is a really big deal in my life (and not very conducive to a graduate student!). The thought of trying to balance everything I'm doing plus a part-time job again or something makes me want to hyperventilate.
Thanks to my faithful handful who continues to follow along and encourage me. You guys provide such a source of strength and support from all over the world in this and it makes me appreciate you all the more!
Love,
Amy Christine
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