18 months, my first night of group, and Mom's visit

Two milestones happened in the last 48 hours: I started to co-lead my first therapy group (and Donna- one of my supervisors would be so proud- I didn't throw up at all!), and today was my 18 month anniversary. I identified a lot more with the group than I though I would, which is going to be really good for me in this season. Some of their sentiments went like this:

- No one understands
- People think I should be over the grief because it happened years ago and I should "be over it by now"
- Their grief isn't socially acceptable because people don't know what to say. If it was a miscarriage, there would be lines of supporting people, but instead, they just feel isolated and alone.
- Even the people that do know what happened, don't call or write with messages on important days with "I know today must be hard for you"
- They feel like an emotional roller coaster, never knowing how they are going to respond or react to new news
-They want to feel excited for friends that are having babies, but inside, their stomach turns with their unresolved grief

Yes. All of these feelings are, currently and in the past, things I have felt, even when I had no affect until late last fall. I wanted to tell the women my own story, but that would be making the therapy group about me and that's not our purpose. Our purpose is to deal with their unresolved grief and process their loss. It's crazy that I found such comrade and kinship with a bunch of post-abortive women and they do not even know it, nor may I ever tell them (or even how if I did?). When I showed up to the office, the place was locked, finally had one of the custodians let me in, only to find out that the office was about 95 degrees. It was a good thing I was like an hour and a half early! Attack upon Attack. We had so many prayer warriors that I knew things were going to be OK somehow. Turns out when you really start dealing with situations that have kept these women in bondage, that Satan doesn't like them getting freedom. I did really well with their intense emotion- something that has grown on me since the stroke. I am much better with intense emotions, grief, & silence now and I am thankful for that in my own life- personally and professionally. So yes, the group may be a requirement of my program, but I am finding healing there with these women for myself.

My Mom comes tomorrow! We're going to go meet the newest member of the Harms family- little Kaylee Mae. So happy for Phil and Darbi! We're going to go on Banjo Billy's tour of Denver, see a Rockies game, get her a new facebook profile picture, maybe go to Royal Gorge, go to my new church, and visit the DMV (I AM FINALLY able to get my last restriction taken off! Here's to driving at night now!). That last one is going to be the best sight-seeing visit of them all :) And those are my current random thoughts for tonight! Thanks for continuing to follow along with my progress and what I'm doing!
Love,
Amy Christine

Wise thoughts from Carol

Today was hard. I'll be honest- today SUCKED. I saw a woman at my internship, and had a heads up to what situation she had gotten herself into, and thought to myself at supervision "well, sucks to be the counselor who get's to walk with her to make that decision" ... and three hours later, I was sitting across from that very woman. I think if I hadn't had the heads up, I would be curled up in the fetal position right now without words. I'm learning and being stretched SO MUCH. Carol (our financial director at my internship) shared some wisdom with me today. She talked about one of her favorite books by Jim May called "Living at His Place", which explains his main premise as Jesus WANTS and invites us to be involved in the messy-ness of other people's lives. He wants to go to the group on Tuesday and is inviting me to go along and be present for him. That calmed me down a lot. There's nothing I can do in my own power or strength but be present and love them, and communicate that God loves them and does not have judgment or shame for their choice or decision years ago. Powerful stuff. I'm about to be elbow deep in their drama, and I'm OK with that. I'm about to be the only one who hasn't experienced what they're going through, although my own grief and losses have made me the woman I am today, so I can still be present with them in their aches. Still processing how I can be present with them through it, but I'm loving the process of praying and getting ready for Tuesday. Deep breaths and Lot's of prayers. And that's where my thoughts are tonight :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Every day I'm reminded

EVERY DAY I'm somehow reminded of my new limitations, and often end up humbled and in tears. Today I forgot my medical planner and my headache chart that I've been charting my headaches for about 6 weeks when I went to my headache specialist appointment. I've gotten the last restriction cleared for my license, but the doctor who put them on there just got back from his vacation, so it might be another week or two until I can actually go to the DMV to get it officially removed. I have to re-read things like 3 times to make sure I spelled everything right, and STILL have mis-spellings A LOT. When I carry liquids at the DH to serve a group or clear a table, I'm reminded of how weak my left side is because the liquids slosh a lot more than they used to. Every time I shower I look down at my G-tube (feeding tube) scar (on my belly) and remember having to have nurses put food in there to keep me hydrated and fed. I'm still very self-conscious about my trach scar on my neck, and I hate not being able to find the words I'm looking for when talking to people. I'm in graduate school for goodness sake- this shouldn't be so hard for me. My supervisor at my internship tells me not to be so hard on myself, but it's incredibly hard because I know what I used to be capable of. That comparison game gets me every day- with others and with the 'Old Amy' and what she used to be able to do. When I look back to the pictures from my healing journey, it seems like it happened to someone else, because at the time when those pictures were taken, I didn't seem sick--that's the tricky part of a brain injury. Everyday I want to curse 2-25-09 for all that it has taken from me. My independence, my graduation day, my relationship and communion with God, my drivers license- there's been a LOT of crap that I've had to deal with over the last 18 months.

But I also reflect on the more positive things that the Stroke has taught me. Some wonderful blossoming friendships that I have found at a stroke survivor support group. Gradually getting pieces of my independence back. Friendships deepened and some lost because of this event, but I'm realizing that if people can't walk with me through this 'dark season', then they aren't the kind of friends I want around me anyway. Vocational Rehabilitation paying for my schooling and giving me a bus pass. May not seems like a huge deal now, but come re-payment time, I know it will be a huge relief. School is taking me a year longer, but now that it is paid for, I can take my time with it and really focus on what matters in each class. I might get frustrated that reading and paper-writing take me so much longer now (like 2 or 3 times longer than it used to so I have to be UBER diligent) but I'm really soaking up the knowledge. I am so grateful for my internship at Alternatives Pregnancy Center- that at the same time that I learn to take care of my own needs and figure out what it really means to be a woman, I can minister to other women as they go through Crisis. I'm broken and I'm helping them- there's nothing that I have already 'figured out' but I have the opportunity to walk with them and be a listening ear as they go through one of the hardest things they have ever had to encounter- the thoughts surrounding an unplanned pregnancy. I know that this "New Amy" has always been inside, but I'm just now beginning to embrace her and give her words. Jolene (my counselor) is helping me understand and give words to that emerging process. I am incredibly grateful to still be here, but I have both the good and the bad to reflect upon as well. It's a double-edged sword. So those are my thoughts for tonight. And with that, I'm going to go to bed.
Love,
Amy Christine

I passed!

Just wanted everyone to know that I passed my driving exam tonight! (In my best 1997 voice and fist pumping action) YES!

In less than 24 hours...

I'll be driving with an instructor to get my last driving restriction taken away. I haven't driven in the dark for over 18 months. Not only do I have to remember all of the driving rules in front of someone who is evaluating my every move, but for something I haven't done in a REALLY long time. Hi- nerves. Praying that He will be with me like always and I can do this. I should include in my book all of the firsts that I've had to do again in the last 18 months that people never really think about. Yesterday a friend asked me how they re-trained me to swallow- and I had a really hard time remembering and answering. Not only did he ask someone who can barely remember what she had for breakfast most days- but swallowing is such a natural thing that to break it out for someone who's never had to relearn- yeah, foreign. Continuing to take it one day at a time and learning that this is still an area that I don't have any control over, and hate that. Pray for me tomorrow and my time with Lola- I'm scared to death but hate having these restrictions on my license still. I just need His Peace. Thanks!
Love,
Amy Christine

Learning self-care, square pegs, and other thoughts

Meeting with Jolene and reading a book called "The art of extreme self-care" is kicking my butt. I'm realizing that I have had in my mind "I'll do ___ when I graduate" regardless of what ___ was. I am, as Author Cheryl Richardson puts it, "the good girl". That has been my identity for so long I don't know any other way to live. My supervisor Becky says it's like taking on other people's trash. Put that way, I want to get rid of this habit. Now. Not that I want to be a "bad girl" over night or something, but I need to learn how to take care of me and my needs in the process of healing. That feels so foreign to the way I have been thinking, and reading this book is getting me to think about taking better care of ME. As someone in training for counseling, that's incredibly foreign, and I'm not sure that the 'Old Amy' (Aka- pre-stroke Amy) was all that healthy or had things figured out either.

I was feeling a few weeks ago like I wasn't doing something right if I wasn't connecting instantly to my clients at my internship. One of my supervisors pointed out that the counseling I am involved with there is very brief and crisis oriented, and that is not what we are taught at my school. She thinks that it's more of a problem with trying to put a square peg in a round hole. My experiences of what I have been taught aren't fitting this model of my internship because they are two different models. It feels like it doesn't fit, when really it is like comparing apples to pears- they're just different.

I've been reading this book, "Imagining Redemption" by David Kelsey. SUCH a good book, but it has been hitting too close to home on so many levels. I picked it up for my Theology class, but God has had other plans for it in my life. David Kelsey (the author) uses the example of a little boy, Sam, who contracts a rare disease and is in the hospital and in a coma for several months. He is changed forever, has cognitive difficulties, and his father has to grieve the loss of the little boy and the dreams he has held for him that will never be. It's my last paper for this class, but in writing the reflection paper, I'm realizing so many things that I need to still process. My family has had to do that too (grieving), and I've had to do that for the "old Amy" and some of my old dreams. Not that they'll never happen now, but just not in the time frame I had originally envisioned. I have become a wreck, an emotional basket-case, when I think of all that I have gone through in the last year and a half. I'm very grateful to still be here, and the second chance is great, but it has come at a very personal price. I'm very grateful that the Lord has given me people along the way that also have had to endure hardships and we can share what we have gone through together. I have started to go to a young Stroke Survivors support group, and found people there that have the same worries and fears that I have gone through. Finally there are other people there that get it. A piece of my heart that was longing for a home and acceptance has found a place to belong again. I've needed that belonging in so many ways. It's not perfect, but it's a start. A start towards healing & redemption.
And those are my thoughts for tonight :)
Love,
Amy Christine