Every day I'm reminded

EVERY DAY I'm somehow reminded of my new limitations, and often end up humbled and in tears. Today I forgot my medical planner and my headache chart that I've been charting my headaches for about 6 weeks when I went to my headache specialist appointment. I've gotten the last restriction cleared for my license, but the doctor who put them on there just got back from his vacation, so it might be another week or two until I can actually go to the DMV to get it officially removed. I have to re-read things like 3 times to make sure I spelled everything right, and STILL have mis-spellings A LOT. When I carry liquids at the DH to serve a group or clear a table, I'm reminded of how weak my left side is because the liquids slosh a lot more than they used to. Every time I shower I look down at my G-tube (feeding tube) scar (on my belly) and remember having to have nurses put food in there to keep me hydrated and fed. I'm still very self-conscious about my trach scar on my neck, and I hate not being able to find the words I'm looking for when talking to people. I'm in graduate school for goodness sake- this shouldn't be so hard for me. My supervisor at my internship tells me not to be so hard on myself, but it's incredibly hard because I know what I used to be capable of. That comparison game gets me every day- with others and with the 'Old Amy' and what she used to be able to do. When I look back to the pictures from my healing journey, it seems like it happened to someone else, because at the time when those pictures were taken, I didn't seem sick--that's the tricky part of a brain injury. Everyday I want to curse 2-25-09 for all that it has taken from me. My independence, my graduation day, my relationship and communion with God, my drivers license- there's been a LOT of crap that I've had to deal with over the last 18 months.

But I also reflect on the more positive things that the Stroke has taught me. Some wonderful blossoming friendships that I have found at a stroke survivor support group. Gradually getting pieces of my independence back. Friendships deepened and some lost because of this event, but I'm realizing that if people can't walk with me through this 'dark season', then they aren't the kind of friends I want around me anyway. Vocational Rehabilitation paying for my schooling and giving me a bus pass. May not seems like a huge deal now, but come re-payment time, I know it will be a huge relief. School is taking me a year longer, but now that it is paid for, I can take my time with it and really focus on what matters in each class. I might get frustrated that reading and paper-writing take me so much longer now (like 2 or 3 times longer than it used to so I have to be UBER diligent) but I'm really soaking up the knowledge. I am so grateful for my internship at Alternatives Pregnancy Center- that at the same time that I learn to take care of my own needs and figure out what it really means to be a woman, I can minister to other women as they go through Crisis. I'm broken and I'm helping them- there's nothing that I have already 'figured out' but I have the opportunity to walk with them and be a listening ear as they go through one of the hardest things they have ever had to encounter- the thoughts surrounding an unplanned pregnancy. I know that this "New Amy" has always been inside, but I'm just now beginning to embrace her and give her words. Jolene (my counselor) is helping me understand and give words to that emerging process. I am incredibly grateful to still be here, but I have both the good and the bad to reflect upon as well. It's a double-edged sword. So those are my thoughts for tonight. And with that, I'm going to go to bed.
Love,
Amy Christine