Forgetting things

Friday was a frustrating day. When I look back and reflect upon all that God has done over the last 2 years and 8 months, I really am shocked and grateful, which makes days like that one all the more hard to deal with since they have become “out of the norm” for me in my usual routine. I arrived safe, sound, yet very exhausted last Saturday mid-day, and then met Danny’s parents and they were super kind and let me shower and nap at their place (Hope I could offer the same hospitality to my sons girlfriend after a cross-country drive!) It seems I cannot catch up enough on sleep-- I feel like I am always sleeping, but I realize it’s going to be an adjustment period for a few weeks yet. I LOVE the family that I am staying with-- Brian and Erin Clark and their 3 children have welcomed me into their space, and I have my own area, an “in-law” apartment, that is somewhat separate, but I love being with a family again, especially one’s that understand ministry and all that I have to transition to here-- they have been fabulous!
So Friday. Living with a Traumatic Brain Injury is never “cut and dry” or self-explanatory. There is not a textbook manual on how to deal with what “may” happen since the injuries can be from such a spectrum, and for those living closest to me, like Danny, the Clarks, my parents, friends, my future employers, etc.- I sort of wish that there was. Maybe I will attempt to write one someday, at least from one TBI’s perspective on living with it. Some days I “just feel slow and stupid” (and Danny would say that’s an agreement, but that’s the only way to articulate it right now); some days, even with writing things down, things are still forgotten. I drove all the way to a Goodwill today and went there without my purse. Sigh. I do keep cash on hand in the car just in case, but still. Tonight for dinner, I burned what I was cooking, FROM A BOX, while I was in the kitchen and not even a foot away from it. My poor husband someday is going to starve if I actually get married someday. Then when I was coming home at night, I continue to get lost in this neighborhood. Once daylight is out, it seems to take me much longer to get home, so when I pulled into the driveway, I just started crying. I know God has called me to be back in the Midwest again. That thrills and terrifies me at the same time. I am so looking forward to finding out some of the why’s behind my coming back here, and why that couldn’t be achieved in Denver. Already, being able to drive around and remember ‘there should be a _____ over there” and there IS from over 7 years ago… for someone who a few months ago couldn’t remember her own breakfast, that’s a pretty big deal. Just the self-efficacy that comes with knowing-- I have what it takes to live on my own and to make it here and do this myself is pretty huge, so making that hurdle already has been great. So Indianapolis might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s feeling more and more like home to me day by day. I’m excited to see what God has in store in this place and through these relationships. Although I wouldn’t trade anything that comes with living with a TBI and the effects of the stroke on my life, it does mean more medical attention now, being hyper-aware of many things, taking tons of medications, but it also means having days like Friday as a downside. I will take the occasional frustrating day, although there are moments like that every day, to deal with in the midst of life now post-stroke. That is simply how I view the world now, and most days, I am grateful for that perspective. I just need to remember that in the midst of the tears of frustration like Friday evening. For now, I am just grateful I have someone like Danny who is patient with me and reminds me, “Babe, you had a stroke, it’s ok that you forget things, I forget things all the time and I have no excuse. Don’t be so hard on yourself” God really has given me someone so incredibly kind to remind me that I need to remain nicer to myself in the midst of all of the stuff going on. Danny is a wonderful reminder of that in the midst of all of the chaos of transition to life back in the Midwest again. Danny, if you are reading this, Thank You.
Love,
Amy Christine