My fabulous roommate Erin had posters up for my birthday, coffee cake with a candle, her son Noah (3) sang 'happy birthday', I danced with Laney- her 14 month old, and she gave me a devotional (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young) that I've stolen several times and has been on track every single time. She has been a fantastic friend to me since I have moved- the entire Clark family has been really. So this is what I read this morning, and it was a little too real right now:
December 30: I am leading you along a way that is uniquely right for you. The closer to Me you grow, the more fully you become your true self- the one I designed you to be. Because you are one of a kind, the path are traveling with Me diverges increasingly from that of other people. However, in My mysterious wisdom and ways, I enable you to follow this solitary path in close contact with others. In fact, the more completely you devote yourself to Me, the More freely you can love people.
Marvel at the beauty of a life intertwined with My Presence. Rejoice as we journey together in intimate communion. Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through losing yourself in Me.
There is SO MUCH that I could be angry at God for that has happened to me, and as I look back, I see those places where I could have given up and said "Um, for allowing that in my life, I'm out now" I refuse to be bitter about where I'm at. Maybe that's my stubbornness. Maybe it's my German blood. I know it's the determination that gave me the drive and determination for getting back most of what I've gained back from the stroke, and done what the medical staff said I would never accomplish.
When I was still in college, I had life at 31 pegged MUCH differently. I'd be living in the south, married to a Youth Pastor, raising 3 boys, driving an SUV, maybe working part-time and going on short-term missions trips. Instead, I have my Masters degree in counseling but I'm unemployed, have a heart for other medical anomalies, live with a fantastic family but am still single, have crazy health complications with no answers but I'm refusing to give up hope yet. I have an amazing church and fabulous small group full of awesome people that I am pumped to get to know better... Life is not what I had hoped for and yet, so much more so. I'm going to live each day to the fullest, and one thing that the stroke and seizure taught me is that life is precious and to live each day to the fullest because you don't know what tomorrow will bring. And those are my birthday reflections for 31 :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Friday, December 30, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
What a year
This year has been a roller coaster. It's no surprise to many that are close to me or have been friends with me for very long that I like consistency, and that the week between Christmas and New years, when we celebrate Jesus' birth, I get a year older, we get a new year- there is SO MUCH change and so many things that I feel strange about anyway. This year I had hoped things would be different somehow, but they are not really except I am in a new place with my life still trying to settle in but largely doing that in a scrambled fashion with the help of some very caring friends in Indianapolis (My new house church, the family I am living with- the Clarks, and my 'adopted mother' Brenda).
This time of year is very nostalgic for me as well, to reflect back on what happened and to anticipate what will hopefully occur in the upcoming year too. 2011 was unfortunately one that I would like to just forget, for although some great things did happen- like finishing graduate school, completing a 5k, and moving closer to my family; getting my heart broken, losing the sunshine that I didn't realize was so important to my mental health, moving away from many close friends who are now too busy with life again to stay in close contact, being sexually assaulted, and not having a job makes things, well, difficult to start over in a place that you're searching to find meaning to begin with. Sure, I've made some great beginnings of friendships that I'm excited to see how God wants to make things flourish and I think He's brought me back to a church that I was in 2004 where I grew a ton in my faith, but searching for meaning in the midst of deep hurt and sorrow right now makes things as bleak as the Midwest skies. I thought a new start was just what I needed, but now, I'm second guessing that thought. Turns out that it's been much harder than I had accounted for, all for reasons outside of my control really. Yes, God has provided for me in the midst of it all, but I'm still left with the dreaded "why"? I cannot control what happens to me, but rather, how I respond to situations. Things are very much left in the awkward state of "Um, so now what?" I've gotten used to it over the past few years and know no other way of dealing with things in the present. And that's OK. The counselor in me wants to analyze or critique, but also knows that the silence and the person being left to ponder and think about it is also an ok thing that is rarely encouraged in our culture.
I'm tired of grieving. I'm done having my heart hurt. Not every emotion needs to be talked about, but even acknowledging them or that someone might be hurting is OK. If you don't know what to say because it's awkward, just say that. Say that it's hard. That's better than letting there be an elephant in the room that no one wants to recognize. I feel like grieving has pretty much been my story since the stroke. I've had to give up or acknowledge a lot that I can no longer do. I just can't do it all anymore- physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally- it probably wasn't even healthy in the first place. I want 2012 to be a year OF JOY AND CONTENTMENT, not of happiness since that's a fleeting emotion that comes and goes. I want 2012 to be a year where I start volunteering at least at the Rehabilitation Hospital of Indiana and giving back to other people who were where I was almost three years ago, I find out more when I return to Indianapolis since right now I'm at my parents in Michigan. I am a manager at a cupcake shop temporarily, but we both know that it is just temporary for this other woman to have surgery. I've baby-sat and had some other fill-in jobs that are under the table just to make ends meet, and although not ideal, works in the mean-time until I get calls back on these jobs I have applied for. Thank you Jesus for SSDI and Medicare until I get a job to supplement me here in Indianapolis, and if you wouldn't mind, if you could tell me WHY Indianapolis over doing what you need to do in my life in Denver, that would also be great, because I gave up some pretty great things out there to make my way back to Indianapolis just because I believed you said Indianapolis. So anytime you want to show me why, I'm ready to see now. I'll continue to be the persistent widow knocking at the door about this until I hear too. I say goodbye to the lessons I learned the hard way painfully in 2011- the seizure, a hard break up, moving cross country, leaving the stability of graduate school and it's schedule, the assault, some stinky jobs to make ends meet- I'm just worth more than that. So for now, I eagerly await the start of 2012 and all that it might bring- the start of a new job, some new friendships, discipline of starting to train with Erin for a race (we haven't decided on which one though yet), and all that this year will bring with it. I'm ready for a new start. Bring it.
Love,
Amy Christine
This time of year is very nostalgic for me as well, to reflect back on what happened and to anticipate what will hopefully occur in the upcoming year too. 2011 was unfortunately one that I would like to just forget, for although some great things did happen- like finishing graduate school, completing a 5k, and moving closer to my family; getting my heart broken, losing the sunshine that I didn't realize was so important to my mental health, moving away from many close friends who are now too busy with life again to stay in close contact, being sexually assaulted, and not having a job makes things, well, difficult to start over in a place that you're searching to find meaning to begin with. Sure, I've made some great beginnings of friendships that I'm excited to see how God wants to make things flourish and I think He's brought me back to a church that I was in 2004 where I grew a ton in my faith, but searching for meaning in the midst of deep hurt and sorrow right now makes things as bleak as the Midwest skies. I thought a new start was just what I needed, but now, I'm second guessing that thought. Turns out that it's been much harder than I had accounted for, all for reasons outside of my control really. Yes, God has provided for me in the midst of it all, but I'm still left with the dreaded "why"? I cannot control what happens to me, but rather, how I respond to situations. Things are very much left in the awkward state of "Um, so now what?" I've gotten used to it over the past few years and know no other way of dealing with things in the present. And that's OK. The counselor in me wants to analyze or critique, but also knows that the silence and the person being left to ponder and think about it is also an ok thing that is rarely encouraged in our culture.
I'm tired of grieving. I'm done having my heart hurt. Not every emotion needs to be talked about, but even acknowledging them or that someone might be hurting is OK. If you don't know what to say because it's awkward, just say that. Say that it's hard. That's better than letting there be an elephant in the room that no one wants to recognize. I feel like grieving has pretty much been my story since the stroke. I've had to give up or acknowledge a lot that I can no longer do. I just can't do it all anymore- physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally- it probably wasn't even healthy in the first place. I want 2012 to be a year OF JOY AND CONTENTMENT, not of happiness since that's a fleeting emotion that comes and goes. I want 2012 to be a year where I start volunteering at least at the Rehabilitation Hospital of Indiana and giving back to other people who were where I was almost three years ago, I find out more when I return to Indianapolis since right now I'm at my parents in Michigan. I am a manager at a cupcake shop temporarily, but we both know that it is just temporary for this other woman to have surgery. I've baby-sat and had some other fill-in jobs that are under the table just to make ends meet, and although not ideal, works in the mean-time until I get calls back on these jobs I have applied for. Thank you Jesus for SSDI and Medicare until I get a job to supplement me here in Indianapolis, and if you wouldn't mind, if you could tell me WHY Indianapolis over doing what you need to do in my life in Denver, that would also be great, because I gave up some pretty great things out there to make my way back to Indianapolis just because I believed you said Indianapolis. So anytime you want to show me why, I'm ready to see now. I'll continue to be the persistent widow knocking at the door about this until I hear too. I say goodbye to the lessons I learned the hard way painfully in 2011- the seizure, a hard break up, moving cross country, leaving the stability of graduate school and it's schedule, the assault, some stinky jobs to make ends meet- I'm just worth more than that. So for now, I eagerly await the start of 2012 and all that it might bring- the start of a new job, some new friendships, discipline of starting to train with Erin for a race (we haven't decided on which one though yet), and all that this year will bring with it. I'm ready for a new start. Bring it.
Love,
Amy Christine
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Tears and my so called life in Indianapolis
I don't know if I have anymore tears left, and yet, apparently I do, for they keep on coming. Something happens the next day that's unexpected, and I just continue to cry. Absolutely nothing, and I mean NOTHING, has gone "according to plan" since I got to Indianapolis. I was promised a life here of these wonderful things with this great guy, but when reality set in and we were in the same place, we couldn't make it work, and had to let it go of our relationship. His parents are still so sweet and stay in contact with me a little, which has it pro's and con's. I do appreciate that God is using them to put me on their heart and have their prayer in all of this chaos and confusion as I grieve for what is no longer, even if it is just the loss of dreams.
I've gotten plugged into a good church, it's actually where I went to church when I had gone when I lived here in 2003 & 2004, but I am going to start going to a new house church that a friend of mine runs and see if I can plug in there. Finding full-time employment has been much harder than I thought, and God came through with something temporary to be a nanny for a friends children for awhile, but I am having to leave that job too in order to focus on really looking and applying for jobs with much more tenacity right now. I thought that living back in the MidWest would be okay on me, but not seeing the sun has been horrid for my seasonal depression, and trying to explain it to anyone who hasn't dealt with it really makes it sound like you're crazy ('so not seeing the sun makes you sad...' My Brother in Law Justin wants to bottle up the sunshine for me and give it to me for Christmas, Bless his heart!) I wouldn't even mind if it was -20 below or snowy, but the constant rain and gray skies just makes me so depressed- you'd have thought I moved to Seattle!? Things have become somewhat tense with my family and we're just working through our communication right now. Nothing in my life is "bad" but I would say and I do have things lined up for jobs and such, and this process does just take a long time and no one really understands that. They really just want results. So when concerned people call or email and after a few weeks you still don't have a job or something awesome to report, and almost every time I look for jobs, then when I go back to apply for them, they are no longer there to apply for... it's disheartening to say the least :( So, timing is going to be key- if I see something, apply right away and then follow up immediately!
So life here is not turning out as planned, and maybe that is how God wanted it, to teach me that when He calls me to a place, that even though I LIKE things under control and somewhat in order, HE'S IN CONTROL. HE DETERMINES MY STEPS. This morning at church the pastor made a comment that I SO NEEDED to hear, "God is all that I need but I cannot understand that until He is all that I have". I was obedient in moving to Indianapolis. I needed a new start, in a city that was familiar, with friendships that already had beginnings, was closer to my family, but in most ways, it's a clean start for me. It's so scary to really be out on my own in just about every way, but have to CLING DAILY to the only one who will never leave me nor forsake me. My roommate Erin said it so eloquently the other day when she said that our tears really are worship to Jesus. He's not afraid of my roller coaster emotions. He welcomes them. I like that about Him. I like that He can handle my emotions, because, and I'll get real honest here- sometimes, well, most of the time, they aren't all that logical, and it's taken me almost 31 years to accept and admit that about myself. It's a big thing to come to grips with. I have my master's in counseling and love to listen to other people talk about their emotions, but when it comes to my own, I shy away from, slink back into the corner, think that I have nothing of value to share, and do a great job of hiding. Even when I do "share" for more than about 2 minutes, I feel awkward, and like I've used up too much time when I should be listening. I've been trained in school to find my value and occupation now in validating others though the ministry of listening, so it totally feels foreign to me on the "other" side of things.
It's been great to be back in Indianapolis, but something that I was thinking before I moved here has been validated since being here-- although I do need friends that really know me and my "crap", I need new friends whom I get to almost start over with, and begin this new chapter with that don't know the horror of the last several years. I need that. I need that new start of just newness. The last few years have been icky. The constant reminders are on the scars on my body, and I don't need any more reminders of others somehow reminding me of what happened or how far I've come. I'm here. I've made it. Let's move forward. New chapter. New start. There is something that lay ahead. I'd like to find out what that is, tears may come moving forward but I'm hoping they are few and far between now, because I can't take much more emotional fatigue. I'm so emotionally spent. I'm so tired. I don't even have a "job" yet, but looking for one and sorting through all the stuff to keep all of my life in "order" here should be considered a full-time job in and of itself.
Love,
Amy Christine
I've gotten plugged into a good church, it's actually where I went to church when I had gone when I lived here in 2003 & 2004, but I am going to start going to a new house church that a friend of mine runs and see if I can plug in there. Finding full-time employment has been much harder than I thought, and God came through with something temporary to be a nanny for a friends children for awhile, but I am having to leave that job too in order to focus on really looking and applying for jobs with much more tenacity right now. I thought that living back in the MidWest would be okay on me, but not seeing the sun has been horrid for my seasonal depression, and trying to explain it to anyone who hasn't dealt with it really makes it sound like you're crazy ('so not seeing the sun makes you sad...' My Brother in Law Justin wants to bottle up the sunshine for me and give it to me for Christmas, Bless his heart!) I wouldn't even mind if it was -20 below or snowy, but the constant rain and gray skies just makes me so depressed- you'd have thought I moved to Seattle!? Things have become somewhat tense with my family and we're just working through our communication right now. Nothing in my life is "bad" but I would say and I do have things lined up for jobs and such, and this process does just take a long time and no one really understands that. They really just want results. So when concerned people call or email and after a few weeks you still don't have a job or something awesome to report, and almost every time I look for jobs, then when I go back to apply for them, they are no longer there to apply for... it's disheartening to say the least :( So, timing is going to be key- if I see something, apply right away and then follow up immediately!
So life here is not turning out as planned, and maybe that is how God wanted it, to teach me that when He calls me to a place, that even though I LIKE things under control and somewhat in order, HE'S IN CONTROL. HE DETERMINES MY STEPS. This morning at church the pastor made a comment that I SO NEEDED to hear, "God is all that I need but I cannot understand that until He is all that I have". I was obedient in moving to Indianapolis. I needed a new start, in a city that was familiar, with friendships that already had beginnings, was closer to my family, but in most ways, it's a clean start for me. It's so scary to really be out on my own in just about every way, but have to CLING DAILY to the only one who will never leave me nor forsake me. My roommate Erin said it so eloquently the other day when she said that our tears really are worship to Jesus. He's not afraid of my roller coaster emotions. He welcomes them. I like that about Him. I like that He can handle my emotions, because, and I'll get real honest here- sometimes, well, most of the time, they aren't all that logical, and it's taken me almost 31 years to accept and admit that about myself. It's a big thing to come to grips with. I have my master's in counseling and love to listen to other people talk about their emotions, but when it comes to my own, I shy away from, slink back into the corner, think that I have nothing of value to share, and do a great job of hiding. Even when I do "share" for more than about 2 minutes, I feel awkward, and like I've used up too much time when I should be listening. I've been trained in school to find my value and occupation now in validating others though the ministry of listening, so it totally feels foreign to me on the "other" side of things.
It's been great to be back in Indianapolis, but something that I was thinking before I moved here has been validated since being here-- although I do need friends that really know me and my "crap", I need new friends whom I get to almost start over with, and begin this new chapter with that don't know the horror of the last several years. I need that. I need that new start of just newness. The last few years have been icky. The constant reminders are on the scars on my body, and I don't need any more reminders of others somehow reminding me of what happened or how far I've come. I'm here. I've made it. Let's move forward. New chapter. New start. There is something that lay ahead. I'd like to find out what that is, tears may come moving forward but I'm hoping they are few and far between now, because I can't take much more emotional fatigue. I'm so emotionally spent. I'm so tired. I don't even have a "job" yet, but looking for one and sorting through all the stuff to keep all of my life in "order" here should be considered a full-time job in and of itself.
Love,
Amy Christine
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Step out on the Water
So, if you've been following me on facebook, you know that my move to Indianapolis has been anything but "typical". I've been sickly twice in the 5 weeks I've been here. Within a few weeks of being here, I went through a break up with a great guy and my dreams for the two of us were shattered, details spared for the sake of both of our privacy. My seasonal depression is back, and hard core this time, and it's really hard to describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves. You really do sound like a crazy person when trying to explain that not seeing the sun makes you sad... Difficult to be back in a place where the majority of the time is so cold when you're also cold blooded and cold yourself, and having to remind yourself when you just walk out in a sweatshirt that you're no longer in Denver! Cudddl Duds long-under wear are going to be my second skin until like May!
I still haven't found full-time employment yet, but had a great interview and was called back for a second interview, but the site was about an hour away, and when you add snow or rush hour traffic, it wouldn't be pretty. I've gotten a temporary nanny job in the meantime, and although the hours are sometimes a lot to handle (some days like 6am-9:30pm), God is meeting my needs, even if not in the "traditional" manner. Since I don't have many over head expenses right now and am still covered by Medicare medical insurance, I'm doing okay. Not necessarily ideal, but okay. I continue to get emails of "my friend's cousin needs help next week with her kids" and although having my master's degree and watching kids isn't what I want to be doing, it's meeting a need and I enjoy it for right now.
It's no shocker if you've been following along for awhile that God uses music to speak to me- it's one of the only ways that I will allow myself to "slow down" and listen I guess? Last week it was Laura Story's "Blessings", and this morning, it is Britt Nicole's "Walk on the Water". One of my favorite sermon's from years ago was a look at Matthew 14:22-33, where Peter calls out to Jesus and Jesus calls him to walk to him on the water to Him. Peter walks for awhile, and then starts to doubt and sink when he sees what he is doing, and Jesus rebukes him. Not BECAUSE he doubted, but because Peter doubted the ONE who called Him out on the water to do this task and the faith He had in himself to do it. I could EASILY look at the trials around me right now and throw my hands up in the air and say, "well, the storm is coming, I haven't found full-time work, Danny and I didn't work out, it's cold here, I'm having to 'start-over' in most every area that is important to me, blah blah blah". I don't want to. I've been through too much in the last 2.5 years. I'm stubborn. I am determined. I know there is something for me to learn here. I'm happy with the life I have now, even as hard as it is most days. I'll take it. My life isn't typical, and it's not some cheap platitude that you can just give out on the sidewalk of 'do it this way' and everything will be a cake walk. No. My life for almost 31 years has been hard, and that's ok, because I've had a great Shepard by side for the majority of it now. I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't trade any of it, and I can say that with honesty. Sure, it would have been 'easier' to trade this or that for something else, but then I wouldn't have what I have now. It might make others uncomfortable, but I'm ok with what it is. So here are the lyrics that hit so poignantly this morning:
Britt Nicole "Walk on the Water"
You look around, staring back at you
Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under? You wonder
What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?
What if no one's there? Will You hear my prayer?
When you take that first step into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go
So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too
So get out, and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don't wait, and don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for, I know you're not sure
So you play it safe, you try to run away
If you take that first step into the unknown
He won't let you go
So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too
Step out, even when it's storming
Step out, even when you're broken
Step out, even when your heart is telling you
Telling you to give up
Step out, when your hope is stolen
Step out, you can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid
So what are you waiting, what are you waiting for?
So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to hold to you
You know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water
Walk on the water, too
Love,
Amy Christine
I still haven't found full-time employment yet, but had a great interview and was called back for a second interview, but the site was about an hour away, and when you add snow or rush hour traffic, it wouldn't be pretty. I've gotten a temporary nanny job in the meantime, and although the hours are sometimes a lot to handle (some days like 6am-9:30pm), God is meeting my needs, even if not in the "traditional" manner. Since I don't have many over head expenses right now and am still covered by Medicare medical insurance, I'm doing okay. Not necessarily ideal, but okay. I continue to get emails of "my friend's cousin needs help next week with her kids" and although having my master's degree and watching kids isn't what I want to be doing, it's meeting a need and I enjoy it for right now.
It's no shocker if you've been following along for awhile that God uses music to speak to me- it's one of the only ways that I will allow myself to "slow down" and listen I guess? Last week it was Laura Story's "Blessings", and this morning, it is Britt Nicole's "Walk on the Water". One of my favorite sermon's from years ago was a look at Matthew 14:22-33, where Peter calls out to Jesus and Jesus calls him to walk to him on the water to Him. Peter walks for awhile, and then starts to doubt and sink when he sees what he is doing, and Jesus rebukes him. Not BECAUSE he doubted, but because Peter doubted the ONE who called Him out on the water to do this task and the faith He had in himself to do it. I could EASILY look at the trials around me right now and throw my hands up in the air and say, "well, the storm is coming, I haven't found full-time work, Danny and I didn't work out, it's cold here, I'm having to 'start-over' in most every area that is important to me, blah blah blah". I don't want to. I've been through too much in the last 2.5 years. I'm stubborn. I am determined. I know there is something for me to learn here. I'm happy with the life I have now, even as hard as it is most days. I'll take it. My life isn't typical, and it's not some cheap platitude that you can just give out on the sidewalk of 'do it this way' and everything will be a cake walk. No. My life for almost 31 years has been hard, and that's ok, because I've had a great Shepard by side for the majority of it now. I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't trade any of it, and I can say that with honesty. Sure, it would have been 'easier' to trade this or that for something else, but then I wouldn't have what I have now. It might make others uncomfortable, but I'm ok with what it is. So here are the lyrics that hit so poignantly this morning:
Britt Nicole "Walk on the Water"
You look around, staring back at you
Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under? You wonder
What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?
What if no one's there? Will You hear my prayer?
When you take that first step into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go
So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too
So get out, and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don't wait, and don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for, I know you're not sure
So you play it safe, you try to run away
If you take that first step into the unknown
He won't let you go
So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too
Step out, even when it's storming
Step out, even when you're broken
Step out, even when your heart is telling you
Telling you to give up
Step out, when your hope is stolen
Step out, you can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid
So what are you waiting, what are you waiting for?
So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to hold to you
You know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water
Walk on the water, too
Love,
Amy Christine
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