I don't know if I have anymore tears left, and yet, apparently I do, for they keep on coming. Something happens the next day that's unexpected, and I just continue to cry. Absolutely nothing, and I mean NOTHING, has gone "according to plan" since I got to Indianapolis. I was promised a life here of these wonderful things with this great guy, but when reality set in and we were in the same place, we couldn't make it work, and had to let it go of our relationship. His parents are still so sweet and stay in contact with me a little, which has it pro's and con's. I do appreciate that God is using them to put me on their heart and have their prayer in all of this chaos and confusion as I grieve for what is no longer, even if it is just the loss of dreams.
I've gotten plugged into a good church, it's actually where I went to church when I had gone when I lived here in 2003 & 2004, but I am going to start going to a new house church that a friend of mine runs and see if I can plug in there. Finding full-time employment has been much harder than I thought, and God came through with something temporary to be a nanny for a friends children for awhile, but I am having to leave that job too in order to focus on really looking and applying for jobs with much more tenacity right now. I thought that living back in the MidWest would be okay on me, but not seeing the sun has been horrid for my seasonal depression, and trying to explain it to anyone who hasn't dealt with it really makes it sound like you're crazy ('so not seeing the sun makes you sad...' My Brother in Law Justin wants to bottle up the sunshine for me and give it to me for Christmas, Bless his heart!) I wouldn't even mind if it was -20 below or snowy, but the constant rain and gray skies just makes me so depressed- you'd have thought I moved to Seattle!? Things have become somewhat tense with my family and we're just working through our communication right now. Nothing in my life is "bad" but I would say and I do have things lined up for jobs and such, and this process does just take a long time and no one really understands that. They really just want results. So when concerned people call or email and after a few weeks you still don't have a job or something awesome to report, and almost every time I look for jobs, then when I go back to apply for them, they are no longer there to apply for... it's disheartening to say the least :( So, timing is going to be key- if I see something, apply right away and then follow up immediately!
So life here is not turning out as planned, and maybe that is how God wanted it, to teach me that when He calls me to a place, that even though I LIKE things under control and somewhat in order, HE'S IN CONTROL. HE DETERMINES MY STEPS. This morning at church the pastor made a comment that I SO NEEDED to hear, "God is all that I need but I cannot understand that until He is all that I have". I was obedient in moving to Indianapolis. I needed a new start, in a city that was familiar, with friendships that already had beginnings, was closer to my family, but in most ways, it's a clean start for me. It's so scary to really be out on my own in just about every way, but have to CLING DAILY to the only one who will never leave me nor forsake me. My roommate Erin said it so eloquently the other day when she said that our tears really are worship to Jesus. He's not afraid of my roller coaster emotions. He welcomes them. I like that about Him. I like that He can handle my emotions, because, and I'll get real honest here- sometimes, well, most of the time, they aren't all that logical, and it's taken me almost 31 years to accept and admit that about myself. It's a big thing to come to grips with. I have my master's in counseling and love to listen to other people talk about their emotions, but when it comes to my own, I shy away from, slink back into the corner, think that I have nothing of value to share, and do a great job of hiding. Even when I do "share" for more than about 2 minutes, I feel awkward, and like I've used up too much time when I should be listening. I've been trained in school to find my value and occupation now in validating others though the ministry of listening, so it totally feels foreign to me on the "other" side of things.
It's been great to be back in Indianapolis, but something that I was thinking before I moved here has been validated since being here-- although I do need friends that really know me and my "crap", I need new friends whom I get to almost start over with, and begin this new chapter with that don't know the horror of the last several years. I need that. I need that new start of just newness. The last few years have been icky. The constant reminders are on the scars on my body, and I don't need any more reminders of others somehow reminding me of what happened or how far I've come. I'm here. I've made it. Let's move forward. New chapter. New start. There is something that lay ahead. I'd like to find out what that is, tears may come moving forward but I'm hoping they are few and far between now, because I can't take much more emotional fatigue. I'm so emotionally spent. I'm so tired. I don't even have a "job" yet, but looking for one and sorting through all the stuff to keep all of my life in "order" here should be considered a full-time job in and of itself.
Love,
Amy Christine
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