This year has been a roller coaster. It's no surprise to many that are close to me or have been friends with me for very long that I like consistency, and that the week between Christmas and New years, when we celebrate Jesus' birth, I get a year older, we get a new year- there is SO MUCH change and so many things that I feel strange about anyway. This year I had hoped things would be different somehow, but they are not really except I am in a new place with my life still trying to settle in but largely doing that in a scrambled fashion with the help of some very caring friends in Indianapolis (My new house church, the family I am living with- the Clarks, and my 'adopted mother' Brenda).
This time of year is very nostalgic for me as well, to reflect back on what happened and to anticipate what will hopefully occur in the upcoming year too. 2011 was unfortunately one that I would like to just forget, for although some great things did happen- like finishing graduate school, completing a 5k, and moving closer to my family; getting my heart broken, losing the sunshine that I didn't realize was so important to my mental health, moving away from many close friends who are now too busy with life again to stay in close contact, being sexually assaulted, and not having a job makes things, well, difficult to start over in a place that you're searching to find meaning to begin with. Sure, I've made some great beginnings of friendships that I'm excited to see how God wants to make things flourish and I think He's brought me back to a church that I was in 2004 where I grew a ton in my faith, but searching for meaning in the midst of deep hurt and sorrow right now makes things as bleak as the Midwest skies. I thought a new start was just what I needed, but now, I'm second guessing that thought. Turns out that it's been much harder than I had accounted for, all for reasons outside of my control really. Yes, God has provided for me in the midst of it all, but I'm still left with the dreaded "why"? I cannot control what happens to me, but rather, how I respond to situations. Things are very much left in the awkward state of "Um, so now what?" I've gotten used to it over the past few years and know no other way of dealing with things in the present. And that's OK. The counselor in me wants to analyze or critique, but also knows that the silence and the person being left to ponder and think about it is also an ok thing that is rarely encouraged in our culture.
I'm tired of grieving. I'm done having my heart hurt. Not every emotion needs to be talked about, but even acknowledging them or that someone might be hurting is OK. If you don't know what to say because it's awkward, just say that. Say that it's hard. That's better than letting there be an elephant in the room that no one wants to recognize. I feel like grieving has pretty much been my story since the stroke. I've had to give up or acknowledge a lot that I can no longer do. I just can't do it all anymore- physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally- it probably wasn't even healthy in the first place. I want 2012 to be a year OF JOY AND CONTENTMENT, not of happiness since that's a fleeting emotion that comes and goes. I want 2012 to be a year where I start volunteering at least at the Rehabilitation Hospital of Indiana and giving back to other people who were where I was almost three years ago, I find out more when I return to Indianapolis since right now I'm at my parents in Michigan. I am a manager at a cupcake shop temporarily, but we both know that it is just temporary for this other woman to have surgery. I've baby-sat and had some other fill-in jobs that are under the table just to make ends meet, and although not ideal, works in the mean-time until I get calls back on these jobs I have applied for. Thank you Jesus for SSDI and Medicare until I get a job to supplement me here in Indianapolis, and if you wouldn't mind, if you could tell me WHY Indianapolis over doing what you need to do in my life in Denver, that would also be great, because I gave up some pretty great things out there to make my way back to Indianapolis just because I believed you said Indianapolis. So anytime you want to show me why, I'm ready to see now. I'll continue to be the persistent widow knocking at the door about this until I hear too. I say goodbye to the lessons I learned the hard way painfully in 2011- the seizure, a hard break up, moving cross country, leaving the stability of graduate school and it's schedule, the assault, some stinky jobs to make ends meet- I'm just worth more than that. So for now, I eagerly await the start of 2012 and all that it might bring- the start of a new job, some new friendships, discipline of starting to train with Erin for a race (we haven't decided on which one though yet), and all that this year will bring with it. I'm ready for a new start. Bring it.
Love,
Amy Christine
Dear Amy, I have concerns about your comment on under the table employment. Usually this implies some dishonesty on the part of the employer or the employee in terms of taxes. I hope this is not what you are talking about but if so, perhaps you had better rethink this, or clarify.
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