Ruminations...

Since the stroke, my mind gets "stuck" on stuff, kind of like a old record player would when it would repeat the same line of a song over and over again. Sometimes that's OK, like on a Christian song or on Scripture and I don't mind the repeating over and over so much. Sometimes it a little more disturbing, like lately-- I've been having very vivid nightmares- I get into an accident in my car, and my air bag explodes, and my coffee mug goes through lip and dismantles my face. That's not exactly the image you want replaying 40 times a day. After my break-up, over and over, my mind was stuck on "what could I have done, said, or been to have made him stay?" See, these are the things that no one can "see" because to the outside world, I "look just fine" now. My mind stays fixated on something, anything, until something is done about it. I may have to write it down to get it out of my mind (temporarily), try and rationalize with myself about why or why not it is the right time for that to happen, why or why not I can or can not afford it, yadi yadi... But NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT LIVING WITH THESE THOUGHTS IS LIKE. My memory goes one of two ways- either I remember things ALL TOO WELL or not at all. And I never know which its going to be, nor does it have any rhyme or reason. Living with the remnants of this TBI isn't something that is easily explainable to someone else, especially because "I LOOK NORMAL", probably the worst curse of it all. That helps people not ask, not know what to say, not... fill in the blank. So I suffer in silence. Isolated with this. Alone to deal with it.

This week's rumination: get a job. Maybe I shouldn't get one in the mental health field after all, but rather something more like Chase Bank or Target or something- something I could more or less just "leave there" at the end of the day. I've been working so dang hard for almost 4 months trying to find a job "in my field" and can get interviews, follow up with them after, and then I get blown off. To say it's frustrating is an understatement. I have my masters degree and I sell cupcakes. I'm trying to be graceful and realize there are factors outside of my control here, but at the end of the day, I still just sell cupcakes right now and live off of the graces of the government and their social systems. Even to someone with an "able-bodied brain" that is frustrating. I'm seeing my neurologist and a psychiatrist on Monday and getting a recommendation of a neureopsychologist to maybe help give some idea to why physically my brain can't help but stay "fixated" to these stupid topics. There has to be a "medical" reason why I simply CAN'T move on no matter HOW HARD I TRY. It's not normal and it drives me insane, especially when it's about something negative. I try to move on, but physically, mentally, and spiritually, I'm not able to. I've prayed to be released. It seems God has some purpose, just as He did in the Stroke itself, of not taking this from me. So for now, I wait without an answer and still selling cupcakes and praying for something more. I know it's out there and I'm just praying in the meantime that I am available when the opportunity arises. Until then, I will sell cupcakes joyfully.
Love,
Amy Christine