"Permission"

Ever since my stroke, I have acted like I didn't want it to happen to me, change my world, or what happen(s) to me. Partly because I don't really have any "outward" differences now, the people around me (and even myself) truth be told, "forget" that I'm different now. EVERYTHING takes energy from me. My counselor back in Colorado described it as I now have a checking account. Every day tasks, like showering, going to the grocery store, talking on the phone, etc- all "cost" something. But sleep "refuels" most people. That's not the case for me anymore. So, what might be considered debits of every day stuff for most people and they get to refuel each night with restful sleep, I no longer get that luxury.

I was reminded of this painful metaphor to explain the why's behind why I am so tired day after day, and without at least 8 hours of sleep a night, I can barely function. I met Heather for lunch the other day. Heather was in the hospital for a rare fungal infection last year about this time for 2 1/2 months. She too, almost died. I KNOW God has something incredible for her as well. We worked at Spring Hill camps in Michigan together several years ago, but now she lives in Carmel, IN. Looking at Heather, you would never know anything had happened. Praise God.

However, listening to her story, I was painfully remind of my own journey of recovery. What I often dismiss to "get on with life now". How I'm forever "different" now. I think because I've "healed" enough on the outside, it's often a forgotten idea. Not that I WANT sympathy or an excuse, but just an understanding that, when I get a migraine and I'm stuck in bed (which, I seem to be here like 2-3 times a week these days), that it's understood that I'm here because my brain can't handle all of the input of the world around me. Maybe all of the frequent migraines are my brains' response to all of the input. I HATE admitting that there are things I can't do. Especially for something I HAD NO CONTROL OVER. Something that other people can do. Seemingly effortlessly. I just CAN'T anymore. It takes SO MUCH effort just to do "the basics" of the day. Add in trying to find a more meaningful job, juggling doctors appointments and my health, dealing with all of the things that are basically keeping me afloat right now (like SSDI and Medicare), working out to take care of my physical body, going to the chiropractor, trying to plug in with my church (I'm doing the welcoming team and serving in the nursery), and sorting through new diets (right now I've gone gluten-free to see if that's the part of the reason for my migraines, at least something I can control)...

Much of my life right now seems misunderstood, and I'm tired of being looked at as though I could do more. Having a part-time job and keeping these balls organized and in the air is well, about all that I can handle. Although I desperately want a more fulfilling job that actually uses my master's degree in counseling, I'm afraid that if I actually had a less flexible job right now, I won't be able to handle days like today, when I'm stuck in my bed, yet again. Maybe these days in bed are partially a reminder that I don't have it all together yet. I probably never will. That I still have healing going on. That I still need to ask others to help me with the daily tasks of life. Trouble is, I'm REALLY independent, so I won't ask. Which makes it all the more hard. But I know that I need help with things since I'm barely making it right now. So if you're good at an area that you see me struggling in, ask if you could do it for me or with me. I won't ask probably, but I'll try to be gracious in letting you offer to help me with it.

I'm thankful that Heather voiced that the common things that others take for granted are things that put her down for a few days. I've wanted to pretend that I'm more healed than that, and yet, it's the best explanation to what's going on with me right now. So that conversation acted like much more of a catalyst and "permission" of sorts to explain the why's behind why I'm tired so often. Thank you Heather for giving me words to explain it all. You are a God-send in my life!
Love,
Amy Christine

I'm getting things back!

{cue music for sappy Celene Dion 'All coming back to me'} The last few weeks something WONDERFUL has been happening, in my memory specifically. So, for the last three and a half years, I haven't been able to remember a lot. Explaining that issue to someone who has a normal functioning brain, is, well, odd, and I sound even crazier than I must normally sound. At least I am aware that it might sound far-fetched/convenient when I "forget" something. 'No, really, it fell in that Swiss Cheese hole and the Invisible Duct Tape that tries to hold this re-wired brain together...' There are memories that are in my long-term that just aren't there anymore, and other's that are crystal clear. For the longest time, I couldn't even remember what I had had for breakfast... let alone what I had done earlier in the week. That's enough anxiety to make anyone go crazy!

HOWEVER, [and this is where I become like a giddy 4 year old on Christmas Morning] lately, things have been coming back to me!? I can REMEMBER people's name's and drinks at Starbucks. Yes, I may only be slinging coffee right now, but for 2 minutes in someone's day, I CAN REMEMBER THEIR NAMES AND DRINK AND HAVE IT STARTED WHEN THEY COME IN! If nothing else, maybe this job has been something of a treat from God to say " You can do this. I'm giving you pieces of redemption in being able to work with others, even with the frustrations that come with it, and you will see me at work here" I well up with tears to think what used to be missing is now coming back. That's beyond huge. So it might just "look" like I'm able to remember a Decaf Venti 4 pump Mocha for Brian... but it is so much more. It's pieces of what I once had, and then didn't, but now are returning. He is good. I may not have chosen this road, but He has lined it with treasures along the way with blessings that I could never have imagined or dreamed. No one else may understand that who hasn't had to live with a traumatic brain injury daily... but this is a big thing for someone who has to navigate the daily up's and down's of life with those deficits as well. But praise to the One who can do something about it all! THANK YOU FOR REDEEMING MY MIND AND GIVING ME BACK THE ABILITY TO REMEMBER SOME THINGS LORD!
Love,
Amy Christine

The ability to dream again...

I am so on a high right now. I was pretty sure that I felt like God had said to me, once I returned to school, that He would still use the degree in Counseling and my stroke to talk with others who have been affected by a medical event that TOTALLY changes the trajectory of where they thought their lives were headed. You've all heard me RANT about 'and I've had to deal with ___ too' (which, I'm sure, is riveting reading on my blog!) Lately, I've had a LOT of depressing and sad news, which partly comes with my seasonal depression, constant pains, PTSD symptoms that flare with no warning, and living with a TBI. I know most people can't relate to one of those events, and I've just accepted that. Dealing with all of them... yeah, it's unique, and I get that. One of my Shifts at work (who's also a pastor) made a comment the other night that was so poignant 'There must be something that really threatens Satan about you to attack you this hard' I'm still not sure what that is... but I REFUSE to let Satan win any more of my story. It will be used for God's glory. It's all His doing anyway.

However, I've had several interesting job leads lately, and I had 2 today and 1 again tomorrow. They couldn't be for more different jobs- a local missions organization, an organization that work with the disabled, and a financial planning firm as a recruiter. I totally could see myself continuing to do "traditional" ministry with the missions organization, and tomorrow I interview with a financial firm to become a recruiter (a left field opportunity that I NEVER considered for myself!?). Today however, it seemed as though the very things that I have become passionate about and want to combine about who I am now, my degree, and wanting to be an advocate on behalf of others... I wanted to cry after the interview in joy. Could this really be why I moved to Indianapolis? Why the stroke was allowed in my life? Why I've been a complete medical anomaly to anyone in the medical community who looks at my history? I know no matter where I work I can be used, and God will continue to provide for me (He's been so good and faithful to me and I feel like I have so little to give!) But right now, I'm just pumped with dreaming about the future. Sometimes all we need is inspiration to dream about a life not at all like the one we are currently living.

Yes, I know working with others with disabilities will bring up my own recovery steps, but hopefully I can be a sounding board for their struggles and find them something meaningful to apply themselves to. I've been working out again and diving into the Word... and it's amazing the clarity that comes with learning to take care of yourself. I can love others better when I'm not focused on me, my own personal set-backs, how I would like things to be different, etc. The ability to dream again. I'm in love with the anticipation and hope that comes on the cliff of expectation of something new.

Love,
Amy Christine

The view from my bed

I write this post from my bed. Again. I feel like I'm here more than most anywhere. This time it's because I'm sick and it's come with intense fatigue, and it takes even energy to get up out of my lofted bed and go to the bathroom. This is despair. I'm trying to do daily life with the constant pain of a headache, depression, a traumatic-brain injury and PTSD, and right now a broken heart and terrible pains & pressure in my chest. My "to-do" list is long, but I don't even have the energy to attempt any of them. I know this is a momentary set-back, but it feels like an eternity.

What feels almost immobilizing to me is that my body has become a personal battle-ground for Satan and God to duke it out, and that for some reason, Satan finds me a threat to the kingdom. I wish I could see the other side and know WHY. So I lay here in pain and pray for those around me to try and keep my mind off of myself. This is not who I want to be. I'm still fighting (when I have the energy) to become the person I do want to become. I want to be a person so wise in the Word and physically fit. I feel ineffective for the kingdom in my bed, so I pray for those who are out there getting to do the work in some way to join forces. But I want to be doing more. I know all the verses about letting myself get to this point, and know that only Jesus can pull me out of this and that there is nothing I can do on my own to change it right now, but I'm still saddened. My heart aches. For so many reasons.

This is not a pity party post, nor do I want your sympathy. Just pray that the season of loneliness is quick, and that some of the doors in the distance begin to open. I can see them, and it hurts that I don't see them opening yet. So I wait. And I pray. I try to be effective "out there" when I do have the energy- which seems to be seldom these days, but I refuse to push off until tomorrow when I can do today. Or use my commute to work or any other "excuse" from getting me to where I want to go. Yes, I have been dealt some slight cards. But I want to make the most of them and push into the pain to learn what I'm supposed to from this time. My circumstances do not change who God is, his goodness, his Holiness, his provision for me, even when I have so little to give back. I just need to remember all that as I lay in bed in pain. And that is my view from my bed today.
Love,
Amy Christine