Roller Coaster Kind Of Life

I went to Jamaica with my family last week, and much like I do with Christmas, I fantasized about this get-away island paradise for weeks. Literally, it was all that was getting me through those last weeks of school and some brutal nights at work, because I had an island getaway coming up... The days by the pool and sipping drinks, snorkeling and scuba, and time with my family was for the most part, good. Scuba and snorkeling was amazing- I got to see coral, sea urchin, and eels-- and I now think I'm in love with snorkeling?! People have asked me (and rightly so) wasn't it just amazing? Unfortunately, the getaway left me thinking "is this it?" With all of that time reading and contemplating life by the pool, I asked some hard questions, about myself, my life post-graduate school and where I might be headed now, of God, of my family... I've become a much more contemplative person in the last few years. I think it was always there, this serious side of me, but with the years of learning how to listen well in school as a counselor, I've realized that I've been given 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason... I am a much better listener than talker after all, which is not how I have lived or how I have been known and that's okay. This new season of post-school also means new rules and definitions. I get to define things on my terms and how the Lord wants to use me, even if that isn't how I've been used in the past. I did better with a routine and set schedule to know what was coming up (hence school was really good for me because it gave me boundaries, even if I rebelled against them at every turn!) I actually forgot what day of the week it was Thursday about halfway through!

So life right now is uncomfortable. It's unlearning some familiar boundaries that I've grown accustomed to over the last 2 years since being back in school, and now post (graduated) and questioning everything. I realized after spending that much time with my family that we have our issues like every family does, and that's part of the human condition. The trip left me wanting more, wanting things to be different somehow, and has made me question so many things since. So now I'm questioning pretty much everything- where is my next step, why, where to look and for what, and being disciplined with what I have in the now. It's already July 4th weekend, and I've barely made a dent in my bucket list. There are a lot more things that I want to do, especially this month. I have a lot to think about. Without school and after those interactions with my family, I feel like there is a security blanket being swiped out from under me. Maybe it hasn't after all. Maybe I'm just searching for God knows what right now and needing direction. I'm scared, hesitant, not wanting to make a move lest it be a wrong one. I'm just terrified being out in the open now. I thought this would be so freeing, but instead, it's proving to be the opposite so far and freezing me in place, almost unmovable. I know wherever God asks me to go, He will provide friends, a church, a place to live, a job, etc-- He always has in the past and has been so faithful so if He asks me to go some place, I know He will also provide for me to be there as well. This uncertainty has nothing to do with my interactions with my family from that trip, but rather, just the quiet of being by the pool, reading, and reflecting. Right now is just scary with all of the unknowns surrounding it, not really knowing anything that lays ahead of me. I don't do well without a plan, even a rough sketch of an idea of what might be ahead. I thought I had the city and I could move forward, and maybe I need to take more time to pray about that as my option to make sure it is where He really wants me. Until then, I'll keep working on my bucket list and trying to remain faithful in the little things.
Love,
Amy Christine

Stupid Memory

I am crying as I type this. Emotional breakdown doesn't begin to touch how I'm feeling. When you have two brain surgeries and they remove parts of your cerebellum and frontal lobe (yes, they were dead), I'm left from the stroke with cognitive impairments that I will never get back. They have gotten much better. I used to not remember AT ALL what I had done that day or peoples names that I had just met. Now I CAN, which is amazing and such an accomplishment. As I have worked at the country club (which is VERY memory driven), it has been AWESOME to be able to recall "oh, that is Mr. ----, he was in here last x and had a ___ and sat at 302."

I've needed this letter for loan deferments to prove that I am getting public assistance (SSDI), and I got a letter from them a few weeks ago which showed this. I remember opening the letter and saying to myself "file this, it is important". Unfortunately, I've torn my room apart, and letter is still missing in action. If I could even express how frustrating that is and what that does to have to email someone any say "Yup, Hi, I'm incompetent, lost it, can I get another please?" I know it's just a piece of paper, but one that shows to the loan people the documentation that they are looking for... between the loan people and SSDI/SSI, both have been incredibly not helpful the last few years and I'm surprised I'm not fully gray from dealing with them. No wonder I have had migraine headaches. Both have been necessary "evils" in my life, but if I haven't had to deal with them, I would not have by choice. So I emailed the woman back today and told her that I've looked everywhere and still cannot find it, and how do I go about getting another copy. It might mean sitting on the phone for a few hours with Social Security, my favorite. And this has become my life post-stroke- oh the joys of being independent, right?! Sigh! Lord, if the stroke was in your will, that's fine, but can you just have some grace and help me keep these daily things in order please, because I really hate having to email people or tell them that I've lost what they have given or entrusted to me. I've accepted that the stroke is a part of my story now and learned how to incorporate that into my story, so help me learn memory techniques too. This can only get worse with age, having children, and time from what others tell me, so prepare me Father for what's to come.
Love,
Amy Christine

Colorado bucket list

So, I'm intentional and a planner. When I've taken the Myer's-Briggs Personality Inventory, I always come out as a strong "J", which also means planner (my father even types up his to-do list. It's genetic.) Anyways, so I've mentioned a few times that there are places west of the Mississippi that I have to see, especially while I am a resident of this fabulous state. I have my friends Allison, Angela, and Dan to thank for some the contributions to this list being Colorado Natives ;) Here are some of the items on the list (and I love that in most of the places I want to go visit, I have a friend or two there as well, so it becomes a double whamie, seeing a fun place and catching up with great people too!) :

- White water rafting (I've been before, but absolutely love it!)
- Red Rocks Concert (I went there for Easter Service this year, but still want to experience a concert yet)
- Steamboat Springs to visit my friend Julie
- Grand Junction to see my childhood friend Elizabeth
- Sand Dunes (apparently with a metal sled)
- Mesa Verde
- Royal Gorge
- Alpine Slide at Heritage Square
- Jack Quinn Pub in Colorado Springs on a Thursday night to hear Irish songs
- Hike a 14'eer
- Lakeside amusement park
- Wildflower hike (Crested Butte or Aspen)
- Sherpa House in Golden
- Moab, Utah
- Jackson Hole & Cheyenne, Wyoming
- San Juan Skyway Drive with Danny
- Cave of the Winds
- Waterton Canyon
- Manitou Springs
- Camping (tent and all, think I'm going in July maybe to South Dakota)
- Black Canyon of the Gunnison and the Gunnison Valley (my roommate Meg is from Gunnison and says it's picturesque and I must go with her to see it!)
- International evenings of dance in Vail
- Botanical Gardens (I've posted a few pictures and it is gorgeous and I'm planning on going there many more times!)
- Denver Zoo

So there is some of the list and is is by no means exhaustive or finished. I think I may have a special color of highlighter for my calendar of things for this list, but either way, I'm excited to get started on getting to see these sights and experience these things! YAY for good times with great people ahead! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Beautiful start to summer!

This is more like what I had pictured summer to be. Sunny. 80's. Beautiful outside. Sitting outside in my bathing suit as I write this, while eating a Mediterranean salad. For the last several weeks, this state known for it's sunshine (over 300 days!) has had cloudy skies and miserable temperatures, going from 80s to 40 or 50's in a matter a minutes, and making someone who's subject to weather migraines absolutely in agonizing pain. This spring has been the worst for my head probably ever. I've made a bucket list of places I want to go see and travel around in the state and people to go visit yet while I still live out this way. Between cleaning for people's homes, and learning new things at the country club every single day, volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House (which I'm loving), doing things for the community where I live at (which I'm still loving and continues to be perfect for me right now, and all the other things that seem to keep me busy daily... I keep myself busy since graduating just a few weeks ago. Sometimes I forget it's only been two weeks and a few days!

Last night I got called into work for the Memorial Day BBQ and they had some island music playing, and it got me so excited to go to see my family in 2 weeks in Michigan and then Jamacia together. I haven't really been able to relax here in Denver, so getting away to MI and Jamacia should force me to relax, or at least I'm hoping it will!

I've decided I won't start looking for jobs in Indianapolis until after I get back from Jamacia, since there is not really anything I can do about them until I get back anyway. The more I think about what life might look like a year from now, I am filled with apprehension, fear, unknowns, why's, but then I am reminded that the last few years have not been about me either. There is so much that I want to do or accomplish, but know that those things cannot happen without God leading the way first. I am terrified about what might be next when I get honest. I know it will be good, but I like structure, and am not good with change from the routine of things that I know or what I am comfortable with. Graduate school, even though it was incredibly challenging, was good for me, because it provided a structure to my days, of where I needed to be, what I needed to do, etc. I may just move to Indianapolis without an official job and look when I arrive, as it might be easier to search for jobs actually being in the state than trying to do that long distance anyway. I may just save up my money from working this summer to get me by for a month or two and get a hostess job when I first arrive too. It's all up in the air right now, but that's what I'm thinking right now, it would certainly take the pressure off moving and having to start in two weeks!

I think I would still like to write down my story in a book, but have no idea how to do go about doing that, but I would still like to do it somehow. Since having my stroke, I've learned of at least three other young women that are friends or acquaintances also having strokes, and that terrifies me. I did the video for my school, which is now partially done (the doctors and my portion), but still think the message of how much a stroke can change your your life and where you are headed needs to get out there somehow... I just had no idea at 28 that a) strokes could happen to young people b) you could actually live through a stroke c) how your life could be thrown upside down and what you would have to face because of a stroke. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually... it's effected all of me, to the core. It shook me and where I was headed, why I was in school, what I want to do with my life, it's changed a lot about me, and I'll never be the same, never get that Amy back no matter how much I work at it or how hard I try. I like this Amy and what I have now better than where I was going, and the relationship I have with the Lord is more authentic. It has been incredibly hard, but it is real. My relationships with the people around me have weathered a lot, but are better for it as well. I wouldn't trade these lessons. I wouldn't have picked this road if I had the choice, but I am blessed and better because of it. This is all I know. It's taken much of my memory from me as well, changed how I even saw myself and interacted with the world around me, and I know God is going to use it in the lives of other people for His glory. I'm different now, and I'm becoming okay with that. Amen.
Love,
Amy Christine

Dr. Markey

I often feel guilty. That's been a theme of my walk as a Christian for the past 15 years, so it's not a new thing post-stoke, although it is one of Satan's favorite tactics of "How is God actually going to use you and your story?"... anywhoo. I went to see my old Neurosurgeon today to get the time-line of what happened with what surgery when 2 years and 3 months ago (today is my anniversary). Dr. Markey was a truck driver before he was a surgeon... he has a great story. I teared up as he was re-explaining things to me because every time I hear it, I hear God's faithfulness. Dr. Markey wasn't even supposed to be on my case that day. But God was there. I may not know why, and may never know this side of Heaven, But He was there. I may not like the effects that have come of it, and may have to deal with some crappy side effects forever because of it... but God was there. God has and is going to keep using it. I want to use my experience to work with other people who have been dealt a crappy hand too, a medical diagnosis they didn't ask for either. Whether that be cancer, diabetes, or something else... I want to walk with them and help them find healing and redemption IN THE SUFFERING of the day to day to do of what it is that they want to do. For me, it was finishing school, and now moving back closer to my family and getting a job. What that looks like, I don't know yet... I feel like I've said that like a dozen times on the blog now! ha! When I know, I'll tell you! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Graduation

After 3.5 years of hard work, sleepless nights, reading for classes and assignments, tests, exams, practicum, 2 internships, a stroke, a seizure, more migraines and chronic pain than I want to think about, 3 semesters of chapel attendance, 3 semesters of training and mentoring growth with two different groups, a doctor telling my family I would never go back to school and my going back 6 months later almost to spite him and not listen and show my stubborn German roots, having my driving license and then not and having to get rides, and then getting it back with restrictions and then getting it back finally to have it taken away again and then it back for a couple of months, 6 moves (and having to remember those addresses with my memory post-stroke!), 2 cars.... it's been a journey. No one could have mapped this out. Heck, even for me to remember all this sucks. My lapse in even blogging about this achievement shows that I have found things to keep myself occupied since graduating last weekend on the 14th. I'm now working as a part-time hostess at the Denver Country Club, and feel like the new kid because I'm the only one who doesn't seem to understand the culture of the place, the names of the members, or how things operate- a learning adjustment for sure! I'm volunteering with the Ronald McDonald House this summer here in Denver because I would really like to get a job in a hospital as a medical social work position of sorts.. still trying to trust that God knows what He's doing in using my degree and my experience and story for His glory to find a job in Indianapolis since that's where I'm feeling the most led right now. I was going to volunteer with Craig Hospital as well, but don't seem to have enough hours in the summer to do it all unfortunately to do it all, with the club, the Ronald House project, and putting in the hours I need at the place I'm living, the Downing House. How I wish there were more hours in the day and I could do it all!

The picture above that I added to this post was one that my little sister Kelli and I took when my family came out here for that weekend. It was great to have them here for the weekend, for them to get a snapshot of my life here and to see what I've been talking about when we are talking on the phone. It was great for them to see just how hard I've hard to work to get pieces of my independence back here... there's a lot that can't be communicated through the phone or emails, but it was great to have them here for the weekend, and I'm still trying to organize my summer life (thank you cards, cleaning my room, mending, making my bed, running errands that never seem to end... and the list continues). Soon to be added to that list after I get back from the trip in June with my family to Jamacia will be looking for jobs in Indianapolis... sigh. The life of responsibility. Not ready. I'm not sure I ever will be, but the alternatives (getting a doctorate or becoming a stay-at-home mother) aren't appealing either... so, I think option one is my best bet. So if you hear of anyone needing roommates in Indianapolis or medical social work positions in Indianapolis area, let me know! I can't do this alone, that is for sure! I'm not too proud to ask for help!
Love,
Amy Christine

Boulder, Intentionality & Purpose

I went up to Boulder this last weekend to celebrate my friend Brooke, both for her birthday and because she's getting married next month. I rode the bus up there (and who really would want to pay these gas prices right now!), and actually got time to look at the scenery (which is gorgeous!) instead of the bumper in front of me. Memories came flooding back to me... and I really only think I have been up to Boulder like a handful of times since my stroke (and with the way my memory works now I can't remember them anyways!) With the music I was listening to on my iPod, it just made for the perfect weekend, to celebrate with Brooke, to stay with Ashlyn, to revisit a place that had been home for so long and that I had weeped over in prayer, where I had hurt so bad for and had so much heartbreak take place in that town and times of really finding out who I was as a young 20 something... Gosh, I sound old and jaded as I write this! ha!

But seriously, this weekend was great, and I think I need to go up to Boulder to hang out for a couple of days to soak in the beauty that surrounds that place and just relish in it when I don't have the demands of a job or school dictating my where-abouts. I think more than anything, that is what I am craving right now in my life. Release from the responsibilities of life. I am 8 days away from my last final exam, and 11 from my commencement, and I'm terrified. I just need a break. I almost had an anxiety attack today about what might lay ahead, and that overwhelms me. I have no idea. The woman who always had a plan has vague inklings of what might be ahead through September, but beyond there, everything is very hazy. That is really scary. I am about to break free from the cocoon of graduate school, which should be the most freeing thing but instead, I am almost paralyzed with fear, and I hate that. I have the amazing opportunity to love on and pour into some amazing men and women in the community I live in, and am very excited to do that more intentionally this summer, and I am planning on volunteering at Craig Hospital and possibly the Ronald McDonald House, and working very part time at the Denver Country Club, so it's not like I am completely without a plan. My plans also include getting to experience hiking and camping in Colorado since I really haven't been able to do that for the last 3.5 years with graduate school. And I'm going to be intentional about spending some quality time with important people that I may not get to see very often when I move back to the Midwest. This summer is going to be all about intentionality and purpose. Hopefully, I can say that about my entire life from here forward.
Love,
Amy Christine