I went to a retreat this weekend on the "Heart", one of 4 "quadrants" that the Cross Ministry group focuses on, along with the Mind, Soul and Strength. The sisterhood and worship expressed there has been amazing to be a part of, and I'm ecstatic to get to spend eternity with these women. I want all of the women I know to be able to experience something similar to this, because I have found so much healing for my own life and walk with God. I cannot even express some of the freedoms that this ministry has helped to usher into my life in the last 2.5 years (and I've been following God for 17.5 years!) Not only do they bring home some amazing biblical truths in a way I have not thought about before, but being able to fight for those truths for other women brings about great freedoms in my own story too. There were so many good nuggets that Bob helped elaborate on this weekend, but my favorite reminder was probably the visualization that the tighter we hold on to our attachments (ie- the way things have to look or play out according to my vision for them), the less room that God actually has to do His thing in those events, people, or whatever we are imagining of how things must look. Gulp. That hit things on the head for me. Like many other type-A, oldest born perfectionists, "Things should play out according to the way that I see fit" and "if God would just cooperate with what I think should happen..." I've grasped to any sort of control I could fathom from the handful of trials in the last few years, in a desperate attempt to manage some sort of safety from the unmanageable events that befell my life. That wasn't how things were supposed to look for me. I didn't deserve them. Obviously God made a mistake, or better yet, it's all just a part of living in a fallen & depraved world, and makes me yearn for Heaven all the more. Each of those statements or beliefs have some truth behind them, but they are not the whole story, or even coming from the Heart of God for His daughter. By grasping for control or clinging to the victim mentality that I so easily run back to, I'm actually not giving God room to do what He needs and wants to do in my heart from the things that have happened to me. Ouch. Counter productive. Transformation isn't going from a clenched fist to a wide-open one right away. {EXHALE SIGH OF RELIEF!} But is simply beginning to acknowledge "This hasn't been working for me (obviously) so I'm going to let you in a bit. I need your river of grace to start to change how I've been living". I need to make room for Him IN THOSE HURTS, losses and disappointments for His river of grace to begin to do what should have been done all along.
Part of my fallen humanity is to try to fix it all myself... the very antithesis of what He wants to do in me and my circumstances. So I'm beginning to let go of my death-grip. I'm beginning to change my question from "Why Me?" to "God, how are you going to use this, for myself and for others?" What a difference in vantage point and a question. I want to let in room for His grace. I'm tired of clenching so tightly to things that haven't been working, and are just continuing to wound me further. I need transformation. I don't want to continue to live as a victim, and run back to those vortex's as if they can offer me any sort of hope. If you had asked me 5 years ago if I saw God using a stroke and a sexual assault to bring about His glory in my life, I would have thought you were completely insane. And yet 5 years later, those things are very true about my life. And I'm starting to become thankful in them, even for odd little things. I've had the incredible opportunity to walk alongside some wonderful people in both groups and listen with their questions of "Where is God in all of this??" When I think about it, that's all that I ever really wanted with my life, it's just come about in a very different avenue that I ever could have imagined. But moving from a victim to a survivor mentality has made a world of difference for me. Those things didn't take me down. When people hear about my stroke, they are often shocked because God has done so much healing outwardly since. Yes, I'm a walking miracle now. (And next month I will commemorate it with a tattoo on my wrist on my anniversary to never forget). When people hear about my attack, they are amazed at the strength it's taken to have these perspectives only two years later. Both are not of me. That keeps me humble. The minute I think I am somehow in control or grasp tighter, is when I inadvertently make myself or those events into an idol. I shudder to think of how many times I have done that. By grasping for control of the outcome I WANT, I remove the ability to transform to the way it really should be if I let God do what He needs to do in it. Again, for a first born perfectionist who loves "control"... this was a lightbulb & 'AHA!' kind of weekend. It's so freeing to begin to let go. Not necessarily of what happened to me, but of trying to run back to the past for comfort (which is really odd when you think about it). Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting. The bondage that has been self-inflicted... Yet He's been patient. He hasn't tried to barge in and tell me that I'm doing it all wrong. He's waited. Waited for me to begin to ask a different kind of question. Waited for me to get frustrated enough to ask to see things differently, from His perspective. I'm thirty three years old. I'm tired from hauling this baggage around with me. I want it ALL to be used to let others know of His transforming strength inside of me. I'm sure there will be more wounds, more trials, many more questions, but I'm thankful His river of grace never dries up and He never gets tired of us coming back to Him. And those are my thoughts from this weekend. It was amazing and possibly the beginning to some freedom.
Love,
Amy Christine
Monday, January 20, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
The Art of Being a Healing Presence
"We are human. By opening to your humanness and accepting it, you allow others the safety of being human in your presence" (p. 24) My prayer is that by accepting my own limitations and admitting to my own faults and speaking of what past tense happened to me, this will allow others this freedom too. This book was an amazing read, one that I would encourage just about anyone to read! What an awesome and thought-provoking book!
This may just be one of the best books I've ever read. It expressed so much of what I already knew to be true in my heart. It's something that I've WANTED to be for others, for the times I've had it personally have forever changed me. That's why I went into ministry. That's why I went into counseling. I've learned to love sitting with others through whatever it is- sheer ecstasy, intense grief and pains, immense confusion, the dreaded "why" questions that life throws all of our ways... It's become one of my favorite things to be a part of that for others, even when it looks like just "silence". It's not rocket science, but the art of really listening to others is often anything but. I've learned that it is a very skillful art, often with burdens and trials yourself as the greatest teachers. As hurried Americans (myself included), "we often don't make time" because we just want others to get over it already. Move along. I feel uncomfortable with your grief or not having the answers to "fix you". I shudder thinking of the times that I've heard these things, said these things, or personally been too busy to help someone else by being a Healing presence for them...
"The Art of Being a Healing Presence" said so much truth in a very short read. It wasn't even half of my flight back home to Denver and I had it finished, I wrote this entry on the place yesterday because of how much it energized me to be this presence for others. I now have validation for desiring to do this and be this presence for others. I'm feeling my soul exhale. Anyone who knows my story over the last few years knows that I've had this unwavering assurance and faith to know that GOD IS AND WILL CONTINUE TO USE THESE CRAPPY CIRCUMSTANCES FOR GOOD. For me. For others. For who I'm growing into being. That's not a fortune cookie saying, but a deep assurance that these things will be made right. Just the transformation in my own life to become more of a listener and not assume on the first hear, but to rather just walk ALONGSIDE had been amazing. Living the life of a miraculous survivor, I have the privilege of knowing some pretty amazing & inspiring other survivors. In 2 very different arenas where people have lost their ability to trust and feel beyond powerless, crushed under the weight of being a victim, I've gotten the privilege to walk alongside and figure it out together. I don't have the answers, but I can help point you to the One who does. While my cheese is falling off my own cracker, I've needed people who were further along in their own journey to remind me that there really was light at the end of this very dark abyss.
I'm far enough out from my stroke (time wise) now that I can speak with assurance to others who are enduring something medically to know that it's true and stand in the gap of belief for them as they doubt. I'm getting there with my assaults. I hear from other survivors that may take years. After feeling it with my stoke, I know to believe them, and each day gets a little easier. Being away from Indy and continuing counseling for my assault have both helped immensely. Is everything rosy yet? By no means! But it does my own soul so much good to see healing in others. To watch their bondage fall off. To pray for lasting, healing changes and see it happen. To know, if even in just some small way, I helped to usher that healing in for them. Staying involved in ministries and support groups has allowed me to be present with others that are currently hurting. I was telling a friend earlier tonight on the phone that I've spent far too many years almost hiding who I really was, with paralyzing fear that I would be rejected. No more. I want my 33rd yar to be filled with confidence. Assurance. Faith. The knowledge of knowing that there is light at the end of the current abyss, and holding that for whom I'm walking with, in no hurry to arrive at some sort of destination. This book was almost permission to continue what I know in my heart to be true.
Love,
Amy Christine
The Art of Being a Healing Presence
James e Miller & Susan c. Cutshall
Isbn:978-1-885933-32-4
This may just be one of the best books I've ever read. It expressed so much of what I already knew to be true in my heart. It's something that I've WANTED to be for others, for the times I've had it personally have forever changed me. That's why I went into ministry. That's why I went into counseling. I've learned to love sitting with others through whatever it is- sheer ecstasy, intense grief and pains, immense confusion, the dreaded "why" questions that life throws all of our ways... It's become one of my favorite things to be a part of that for others, even when it looks like just "silence". It's not rocket science, but the art of really listening to others is often anything but. I've learned that it is a very skillful art, often with burdens and trials yourself as the greatest teachers. As hurried Americans (myself included), "we often don't make time" because we just want others to get over it already. Move along. I feel uncomfortable with your grief or not having the answers to "fix you". I shudder thinking of the times that I've heard these things, said these things, or personally been too busy to help someone else by being a Healing presence for them...
"The Art of Being a Healing Presence" said so much truth in a very short read. It wasn't even half of my flight back home to Denver and I had it finished, I wrote this entry on the place yesterday because of how much it energized me to be this presence for others. I now have validation for desiring to do this and be this presence for others. I'm feeling my soul exhale. Anyone who knows my story over the last few years knows that I've had this unwavering assurance and faith to know that GOD IS AND WILL CONTINUE TO USE THESE CRAPPY CIRCUMSTANCES FOR GOOD. For me. For others. For who I'm growing into being. That's not a fortune cookie saying, but a deep assurance that these things will be made right. Just the transformation in my own life to become more of a listener and not assume on the first hear, but to rather just walk ALONGSIDE had been amazing. Living the life of a miraculous survivor, I have the privilege of knowing some pretty amazing & inspiring other survivors. In 2 very different arenas where people have lost their ability to trust and feel beyond powerless, crushed under the weight of being a victim, I've gotten the privilege to walk alongside and figure it out together. I don't have the answers, but I can help point you to the One who does. While my cheese is falling off my own cracker, I've needed people who were further along in their own journey to remind me that there really was light at the end of this very dark abyss.
I'm far enough out from my stroke (time wise) now that I can speak with assurance to others who are enduring something medically to know that it's true and stand in the gap of belief for them as they doubt. I'm getting there with my assaults. I hear from other survivors that may take years. After feeling it with my stoke, I know to believe them, and each day gets a little easier. Being away from Indy and continuing counseling for my assault have both helped immensely. Is everything rosy yet? By no means! But it does my own soul so much good to see healing in others. To watch their bondage fall off. To pray for lasting, healing changes and see it happen. To know, if even in just some small way, I helped to usher that healing in for them. Staying involved in ministries and support groups has allowed me to be present with others that are currently hurting. I was telling a friend earlier tonight on the phone that I've spent far too many years almost hiding who I really was, with paralyzing fear that I would be rejected. No more. I want my 33rd yar to be filled with confidence. Assurance. Faith. The knowledge of knowing that there is light at the end of the current abyss, and holding that for whom I'm walking with, in no hurry to arrive at some sort of destination. This book was almost permission to continue what I know in my heart to be true.
Love,
Amy Christine
The Art of Being a Healing Presence
James e Miller & Susan c. Cutshall
Isbn:978-1-885933-32-4
Thursday, December 12, 2013
He is so good to me!
Some amazing things have fallen into place in very divine ways lately. I'm still unsure of WHY, but I have to believe that there is a reason (or reasons) for me being at Children's Hospital in Highlands Ranch right now. As it opens. Without a background in healthcare at ALL... but simply a desire to learn and to want to be a part of that journey for other kids. When my new co-workers and I have swapped stories, I hear over and over that "I've been trying to get into Children's for 1,3, or 5+ years" and "I applied to 10, 12, even 50 positions before I got this one" and all I can do, with tears held back, is know that I DIDN'T get this job. I was hired off my resume and cover letter. I applied as a formality to get me in the system to be hired once an offer was going to be made. I cannot think of an "earthly" reason for me to get a job in the emergency department admissions... with my master's in counseling... But it's an amazing system to be a part of, I really like several of my co-workers, there are such great benefits, such room for growth, and I'm finally working my way off of the benefits that have been my bread&butter for WAY TOO LONG now. Not that I'm not thankful for what they've done, I'm just tired of living so strapped, and not being able to do much of anything. So to actually go shopping, and begin to pay bills that have been piling up or in forbearance... There are no words. The only one's that come close are "Oh, so this is life!" I've learned to live beyond bare-bone and without most luxuries (although I know I'm incredibly blessed!) but after living that way for almost 5 years... this is a nice change, to actually have a paycheck I could spend on more than just the bare necessities to hardly make it.
I had been praying since even before I got this job (and then all the more-so when I realized I had to be in Highlands Ranch at 6:30, and would have to leave before 5 to catch THREE buses, in the snow, to get there- hopefully on time). I knew that God had opened the doors for me to have this job, and that He was big enough to provide help with transportation there too. So a few weeks ago, I get a call from my friend Alicia, who I had staffed a retreat with a few months prior. This woman is amazing. I digress. "We have an extra mini-van that we have lent out to missionaries on furlough that you could use for awhile. The last people that borrowed it had it for 8 months. No cost." Tears. I couldn't contain my joy for the provision. I don't know WHY I doubt that God will come through in miraculous way... I am a WALKING MIRACLE now... but still. To have that tangible need met when the prayers had been silent... Amazing. I'm almost to my 4 month anniversary of living back in Denver, and in that time I've gotten an awesome opportunity to volunteer at the hospital that I relearned so much at, this great job (even if it still is so overwhelming and leaves me exhausted daily), a private apartment & room, a bed to sleep in that's not an air-mattress, a fantastic new church community to call home, great new friends and re-connecting with friends from my past, this van for awhile and a bus pass through my job, getting to work with Vocational Rehab & Craig Hospital again about job goals and them getting to advocate with me for what I need (it's still really hard to advocate for myself yet- I still feel like a burden with my TBI, although that's getting better daily as I grow more confident)... I'm blessed. He's looking out for me. I still have my good days and bad days, and in my more confident moments I can speak powerful truth and reminders to remember His faithfulness. I'm likely going to get a tattoo (for my 5th anniversary in February) on my wrist that says "Miracle" to remind me again on those days when it's not as clear.
Moving to Denver has been a HUGE leap of faith and lesson in believing. If He says it, He will follow through, Days, decisions, and life won't necessarily be without pain(s). But that doesn't change who God IS. If I call myself a believer, that I need to act like I BELIEVE. A line from a song on the radio recently came on and said something to the effect of "Is the man that I am lining up with the man you want me to be?" That's some soul searching. I have lot's of relationships that are curious about this Hope that I cling to, even in the midst of daily pain and circumstances that I wouldn't wish on anyone. My response is almost always the same. 'How could I not believe after witnessing all that He's done for me?' You don't have to, and that's your choice. However, for me, I've seen too much to not know He's real. And working. And so so good and faithful to me.
Love,
Amy Christine
I had been praying since even before I got this job (and then all the more-so when I realized I had to be in Highlands Ranch at 6:30, and would have to leave before 5 to catch THREE buses, in the snow, to get there- hopefully on time). I knew that God had opened the doors for me to have this job, and that He was big enough to provide help with transportation there too. So a few weeks ago, I get a call from my friend Alicia, who I had staffed a retreat with a few months prior. This woman is amazing. I digress. "We have an extra mini-van that we have lent out to missionaries on furlough that you could use for awhile. The last people that borrowed it had it for 8 months. No cost." Tears. I couldn't contain my joy for the provision. I don't know WHY I doubt that God will come through in miraculous way... I am a WALKING MIRACLE now... but still. To have that tangible need met when the prayers had been silent... Amazing. I'm almost to my 4 month anniversary of living back in Denver, and in that time I've gotten an awesome opportunity to volunteer at the hospital that I relearned so much at, this great job (even if it still is so overwhelming and leaves me exhausted daily), a private apartment & room, a bed to sleep in that's not an air-mattress, a fantastic new church community to call home, great new friends and re-connecting with friends from my past, this van for awhile and a bus pass through my job, getting to work with Vocational Rehab & Craig Hospital again about job goals and them getting to advocate with me for what I need (it's still really hard to advocate for myself yet- I still feel like a burden with my TBI, although that's getting better daily as I grow more confident)... I'm blessed. He's looking out for me. I still have my good days and bad days, and in my more confident moments I can speak powerful truth and reminders to remember His faithfulness. I'm likely going to get a tattoo (for my 5th anniversary in February) on my wrist that says "Miracle" to remind me again on those days when it's not as clear.
Moving to Denver has been a HUGE leap of faith and lesson in believing. If He says it, He will follow through, Days, decisions, and life won't necessarily be without pain(s). But that doesn't change who God IS. If I call myself a believer, that I need to act like I BELIEVE. A line from a song on the radio recently came on and said something to the effect of "Is the man that I am lining up with the man you want me to be?" That's some soul searching. I have lot's of relationships that are curious about this Hope that I cling to, even in the midst of daily pain and circumstances that I wouldn't wish on anyone. My response is almost always the same. 'How could I not believe after witnessing all that He's done for me?' You don't have to, and that's your choice. However, for me, I've seen too much to not know He's real. And working. And so so good and faithful to me.
Love,
Amy Christine
Sunday, November 24, 2013
Employed at CHCO
Such a big and exciting last week! I started orientation & training this last week for Children's hospital. I'm exhausted from not sleeping (my mind just can't seem to turn off yet!!) There is SO MUCH to learn, and SO MANY SYSTEMS AND ACRONYMS, but the potential for growth with this system continues to leave me speechless. I get misty eyed just thinking of the ways I've LONGED to connect with a good health system to offer redemption & hope to patients for the last 4.5 years... I've wanted to combine my own story of being a medical anomaly with my degree & my faith to offer some of the hope I've experienced myself. I've gotten glimpses of what that might look like and it's brought TEARS to my eyes along the way. I've had several set-backs and discouragements along the way... But the HOPE to SOMEDAY be doing something like what I currently am hired to do hasn't left... Oh. Such relief to see the potential finally here. To grow. To move around in a great system eventually.
The benefits of this company are amazing. I'm still in awe. I *may* have yelled out "A TO THE MEN" during all-staff orientation to something-not even sure what now! We get health benefits for part-time, a bus pass, a weight watchers program support, tons of discounts, and a concierge on STAFF who's there to run some of our errands like oil changes, dry cleaning, and mailing packages for their employees at no extra cost to us! So although there is much to still coordinate with my transportation and so much to learn and become familiar with (as with any new job!) it's been awesome so far to see God show up and help me recall things on very little sleep! That just continues to reassure me that I'm right where I'm supposed to be! It's also reassuring to hear from many of my coworkers that they applied for 10-50 positions... And know that I was selected "because of my cover letter and resume" and my process wasn't 1-3 years to get in, but rather a couple of weeks. Again, that's not ME. "I" didn't get me into this incredible system. Apparently, there is something that my passion, story & degree will do there. Tears for what it will continue to be. Years of praying for a position like this to grow into. A platform to offer hope and redemption. Something that has been so near and dear to my heart. Where I become alive and can SEE the deepest needs of people in crisis (as often only a medical crisis can bring out those existential questions, and I've learned how to personally handle the "gray" and not knowing the answers yet)... Ahhh. Alive. Blossoming. Growth. Sometimes painful and certainly not easy to continue to HOPE, but an amazing feeling to simply rest and know that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. That HE IS GOING TO CONTINUE TO TAKE CARE OF ME! That has continued to be such an awesome truth to cling to in the deepest part of my being. Just to know that I know. It's not really something I can yet truly articulate, but just an assurance deep within my Spirit that probably looks delirious and crazy to the outside world. And that's ok. Faith rarely makes sense to others. I realize that much of my story doesn't make much "Earthly" sense. That's probably God's point in most of it.
I can't describe just how content life is right now. Sure, there is still a long list of things & needs that I'm wondering HOW God is going to show up and provide for. But I've SEEN HIM provide! It's been humbling, made me patient and seem stubborn I'm sure, but I'VE SEEN IT. Experienced it. Tasted it. I wouldn't trade this journey... Although there were many times when I questioned and would have pressed fast-forward or changed the HOW'S... But I'm more confident in my Faith and His Providence now. I've heard from so many friends that they would have brushed off my advice as a "simple Christian platitude" but they've known my past so they know and trust that I mean it. That's powerful. That's redemption. That makes the unexplainable 4.5 years more worth it. If only for the ways God has & is using those events. Deep hurts & brokenness. Yearning for a day to get OUT of the pit that I was in. Off the current roller coaster.
So, with much love and a content and confident soul at rest for the first time in a LONG time, I'm loving sharing my journey(s) with you all! I'm excited to see what lay ahead for me here and why this place. So stretching, but so good!
Love, Amy Christine
The benefits of this company are amazing. I'm still in awe. I *may* have yelled out "A TO THE MEN" during all-staff orientation to something-not even sure what now! We get health benefits for part-time, a bus pass, a weight watchers program support, tons of discounts, and a concierge on STAFF who's there to run some of our errands like oil changes, dry cleaning, and mailing packages for their employees at no extra cost to us! So although there is much to still coordinate with my transportation and so much to learn and become familiar with (as with any new job!) it's been awesome so far to see God show up and help me recall things on very little sleep! That just continues to reassure me that I'm right where I'm supposed to be! It's also reassuring to hear from many of my coworkers that they applied for 10-50 positions... And know that I was selected "because of my cover letter and resume" and my process wasn't 1-3 years to get in, but rather a couple of weeks. Again, that's not ME. "I" didn't get me into this incredible system. Apparently, there is something that my passion, story & degree will do there. Tears for what it will continue to be. Years of praying for a position like this to grow into. A platform to offer hope and redemption. Something that has been so near and dear to my heart. Where I become alive and can SEE the deepest needs of people in crisis (as often only a medical crisis can bring out those existential questions, and I've learned how to personally handle the "gray" and not knowing the answers yet)... Ahhh. Alive. Blossoming. Growth. Sometimes painful and certainly not easy to continue to HOPE, but an amazing feeling to simply rest and know that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. That HE IS GOING TO CONTINUE TO TAKE CARE OF ME! That has continued to be such an awesome truth to cling to in the deepest part of my being. Just to know that I know. It's not really something I can yet truly articulate, but just an assurance deep within my Spirit that probably looks delirious and crazy to the outside world. And that's ok. Faith rarely makes sense to others. I realize that much of my story doesn't make much "Earthly" sense. That's probably God's point in most of it.
I can't describe just how content life is right now. Sure, there is still a long list of things & needs that I'm wondering HOW God is going to show up and provide for. But I've SEEN HIM provide! It's been humbling, made me patient and seem stubborn I'm sure, but I'VE SEEN IT. Experienced it. Tasted it. I wouldn't trade this journey... Although there were many times when I questioned and would have pressed fast-forward or changed the HOW'S... But I'm more confident in my Faith and His Providence now. I've heard from so many friends that they would have brushed off my advice as a "simple Christian platitude" but they've known my past so they know and trust that I mean it. That's powerful. That's redemption. That makes the unexplainable 4.5 years more worth it. If only for the ways God has & is using those events. Deep hurts & brokenness. Yearning for a day to get OUT of the pit that I was in. Off the current roller coaster.
So, with much love and a content and confident soul at rest for the first time in a LONG time, I'm loving sharing my journey(s) with you all! I'm excited to see what lay ahead for me here and why this place. So stretching, but so good!
Love, Amy Christine
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
He was with me
Ahhh. Yesterday was beautiful. I went to my EMDR session (SUPER intense counseling for you non-counseling-speak friends) to deal with my stroke and my attack. I've KNOWN there is more baggage to deal with under there, even if I try and shove it away and "not deal with it". Since that in-turn affects my health... I've said it's finally worth the investment of digging some crap up. Let's face it- buried emotions are cancerous and eat at you, your health is one of the first things affected. People RARELY see that connection, and I'm becoming much more aware of how my health goes (food, emotions, weather- they ALL affect it!) So it's been time to deal with some of the stuff that I've KNOWN is still in there. Thankful for the resources of time to do so right now!
While at EMDR yesterday, my counselor had me imagine my Posey bed (literally a mesh tent thing that I was zipped into while in bed- at night and for naps) and imagine myself in that state with my eyes closed and holding these buzzing paddle things used in EMDR work. I was Frail. Broken. Without a voice. Scared. Having NO SAY of much of anything that was happening to me. I asked Jesus where He was in the midst of all of it. I started SOBBING when He showed me He was with me IN that zipped up tent, holding me. One of my favorite moments of the day was after a shower then was to be wrapped in a warm blanket (if I ever win the lottery, that's one of the FIRST things I'm buying. HEAVEN!) and He showed me He was even surrounding me with His presence IN those warm blankets. This wasn't a "I want some reassurance so I'm going to tell myself these things to make myself feel better move"; this was God SHOWING me- "Daughter, I WAS THERE. This is HOW. Seeing you in pain hurt me too. But I WAS THERE even in the midst of it, even when you couldn't see, feel, or acknowledge me. BUT I WAS THERE." Tears just streamed down my face. I needed that visualization. That reminder and picture of where He was. I KNEW He was in my heart, but seeing where He was during the crazy-up-in-the-air months made me relax and recall some of the good moments in the hospital and how He was IN THEM. Sigh. So many years and months fretting over how I thought I was alone. Tears when I realized I was NOT.
We'll get to the attack eventually- that'll probably be in a few weeks yet. It's amazing how things you've held on to for YEARS can be dropped in a moment after a revelation like that. I'm grateful for it's releasing from my body, mind and memory. It hasn't been good for my health, outlook, how I've seen myself, and continued to move through life! AHHH! I can breathe again!
Love,
Amy Christine
While at EMDR yesterday, my counselor had me imagine my Posey bed (literally a mesh tent thing that I was zipped into while in bed- at night and for naps) and imagine myself in that state with my eyes closed and holding these buzzing paddle things used in EMDR work. I was Frail. Broken. Without a voice. Scared. Having NO SAY of much of anything that was happening to me. I asked Jesus where He was in the midst of all of it. I started SOBBING when He showed me He was with me IN that zipped up tent, holding me. One of my favorite moments of the day was after a shower then was to be wrapped in a warm blanket (if I ever win the lottery, that's one of the FIRST things I'm buying. HEAVEN!) and He showed me He was even surrounding me with His presence IN those warm blankets. This wasn't a "I want some reassurance so I'm going to tell myself these things to make myself feel better move"; this was God SHOWING me- "Daughter, I WAS THERE. This is HOW. Seeing you in pain hurt me too. But I WAS THERE even in the midst of it, even when you couldn't see, feel, or acknowledge me. BUT I WAS THERE." Tears just streamed down my face. I needed that visualization. That reminder and picture of where He was. I KNEW He was in my heart, but seeing where He was during the crazy-up-in-the-air months made me relax and recall some of the good moments in the hospital and how He was IN THEM. Sigh. So many years and months fretting over how I thought I was alone. Tears when I realized I was NOT.
We'll get to the attack eventually- that'll probably be in a few weeks yet. It's amazing how things you've held on to for YEARS can be dropped in a moment after a revelation like that. I'm grateful for it's releasing from my body, mind and memory. It hasn't been good for my health, outlook, how I've seen myself, and continued to move through life! AHHH! I can breathe again!
Love,
Amy Christine
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Women at the Cross & "Thin places" in Denver
Since I haven't written in a few weeks, I wanted to share about two really awesome things going on for me lately.
I got the privilege to staff at a women's conference this past weekend. AMAZING. One of my (many) favorite moments of the weekend was on Sunday morning during worship. If you've spent much time with me, you know I take responsibilities very seriously and can be not so nice to myself "if I fail". I had EVERYTHING set to go for our worship time- the power point, the worship set- all were checked ahead of time and set to go- I even reformatted a few slides to be viewed easier. And then it was time to hit play- and I realized that THEY WEREN'T THE SAME- the songs didn't match the slides?! My first thought was "these 75+ women aren't going to be able to worship BECAUSE I SCREWED UP MY JOB!" So through my tears and breaking down, I managed to find the right things and started the set- probably less than 10 seconds in reality but felt like AN ETERNITY of everyone watching me fumble... Alicia, who was overseeing me for the weekend in this role, came over and ran sound for the few songs while I cried and worshiped with our sweet prayer elder for the weekend, Elaine. I looked out at the women attending, and they were all meeting with Jesus- some crying, some face down, some kneeling, many with hands raised high... and God reminded me- 'I don't need you to have my way with my people'. It was maybe the best worship I have had in a LONG time... I could meet with God even through "my failing". My friend Melissa reminded me after that session that "I am not powerful enough to mess up what God is doing". That's soberingly beautiful!
One of my pastors in Indianapolis talked about the idea behind some Celtic theology- the idea of "thin places", or places on Earth that allow us to see God unlike other places. I can think of a few places like this in my walk 17 years with Jesus. New Georgia, Liberia; the decks on the Anastasias with Mercy Ships; the Downing House in Englewood; Smoky Mountains in Tennessee... and many others. Craig Hospital has over the last 4.5 years become a thin place for me. I can no longer walk the halls, interact with patients and doctors there, or be anywhere in that hospital and not remember what transpired 4.5 years ago in my life. If I am being totally transparent- the **** hit the fan, and the floor completely dropped out from under me. It's been incredibly sobering to have doctors tell you that you are a medical miracle, and you shouldn't be here or "this" recovered because of _____. Um, that doesn't happen. I never wanted to be a medical miracle or defy science- it's never been on my "to do" list... but now I can consider it an honor. For ALL that we know about the body, the brain, the neurological functions... my body didn't "play by the rules". I'd like to believe that God has something to do through me that He couldn't accomplish bringing me home to be with Him yet. So He intervened and made it so that it wasn't yet my time Feb. 25, 2009. I still am uncomfortable talking about it BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK ABOUT IT STILL. There's this tightrope I walk between coming off prideful or weak and not knowing how to deal with being a living-breathing miracle. We ALL are, but to become one again at 28 in some very surprising events... uh, I still stumble with the words so for now, I usually am tight lipped about it all. How do you talk about something this amazing when "there wasn't a reason to cause it" and you still don't have the words??
All of that supernatural intervention aside, Craig was the place that I got to first-hand SEE that transformation. I came in and couldn't swallow. Couldn't walk. Couldn't talk. Had no recolletion of anything. And I left 2.5 months later talking. Walking. Swallowing. Remembering (somewhat. Ok, this may be a stretch since much of that didn’t happen until like a year later). VERY MUCH still questioning WHAT just happened to me and HOW GOD allowed that to happen to ME (still sorting through that existential question, but in a MUCH healthier place of questioning it all now after counseling and having some dear friends walk with me and not rush me to have it figured out yet!!) Folks, Craig has come to symbolize this point in my life. Highlighting a thin place of so much healing for me. Where I could literally see the difference from coming in one way and leaving a completely different person. I get to be a part of that in other people's stories' now. It may just be volunteering yet, but this is where I want to be. Need to be. I needed someone then that was further along in their journey to give me hope then that there was going to be a day where a wheelchair wouldn't be my reality. Where I could go to the bathroom unattended. Where I could swallow and talk again- without thickeners and really eat foods again. That I would still accomplish things, even if the doctors were dampening my hopes for X,Y, and Z. I get to have a part in other's stories of regaining abilities again. This is a thin place for me now, where I can see God working in me, through me, and even in spite of me. I WANT to be a part of other peoples' wrestling with the very questions that I was asking 4.5 years ago, and still letting go of the not having answers. I've been there. I can get it. I want to be a part of other people asking those very questions, and wrestling through the finding the answers themselves. The struggle and journey as you question is beautiful, and I think many American's just 'want it to be done and over with' or 'just accept it and move on'. We don't deal well with grief, especially if we don't have any answers or platitudes to accompany it. So many withdrawl because it makes us uncomfortable to not know what to say in return, and we go to where we can "feel useful". I've become ok with the gray areas. The places that don't have answers. Where words fail. Where just being is enough.
So these are my thoughts from Women At The Cross and volunteering at Craig again. Things may not look at all like I thought they would in Denver, but He is providing and I am excited to see what else lay ahead!
Love,
Amy Christine
I got the privilege to staff at a women's conference this past weekend. AMAZING. One of my (many) favorite moments of the weekend was on Sunday morning during worship. If you've spent much time with me, you know I take responsibilities very seriously and can be not so nice to myself "if I fail". I had EVERYTHING set to go for our worship time- the power point, the worship set- all were checked ahead of time and set to go- I even reformatted a few slides to be viewed easier. And then it was time to hit play- and I realized that THEY WEREN'T THE SAME- the songs didn't match the slides?! My first thought was "these 75+ women aren't going to be able to worship BECAUSE I SCREWED UP MY JOB!" So through my tears and breaking down, I managed to find the right things and started the set- probably less than 10 seconds in reality but felt like AN ETERNITY of everyone watching me fumble... Alicia, who was overseeing me for the weekend in this role, came over and ran sound for the few songs while I cried and worshiped with our sweet prayer elder for the weekend, Elaine. I looked out at the women attending, and they were all meeting with Jesus- some crying, some face down, some kneeling, many with hands raised high... and God reminded me- 'I don't need you to have my way with my people'. It was maybe the best worship I have had in a LONG time... I could meet with God even through "my failing". My friend Melissa reminded me after that session that "I am not powerful enough to mess up what God is doing". That's soberingly beautiful!
One of my pastors in Indianapolis talked about the idea behind some Celtic theology- the idea of "thin places", or places on Earth that allow us to see God unlike other places. I can think of a few places like this in my walk 17 years with Jesus. New Georgia, Liberia; the decks on the Anastasias with Mercy Ships; the Downing House in Englewood; Smoky Mountains in Tennessee... and many others. Craig Hospital has over the last 4.5 years become a thin place for me. I can no longer walk the halls, interact with patients and doctors there, or be anywhere in that hospital and not remember what transpired 4.5 years ago in my life. If I am being totally transparent- the **** hit the fan, and the floor completely dropped out from under me. It's been incredibly sobering to have doctors tell you that you are a medical miracle, and you shouldn't be here or "this" recovered because of _____. Um, that doesn't happen. I never wanted to be a medical miracle or defy science- it's never been on my "to do" list... but now I can consider it an honor. For ALL that we know about the body, the brain, the neurological functions... my body didn't "play by the rules". I'd like to believe that God has something to do through me that He couldn't accomplish bringing me home to be with Him yet. So He intervened and made it so that it wasn't yet my time Feb. 25, 2009. I still am uncomfortable talking about it BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK ABOUT IT STILL. There's this tightrope I walk between coming off prideful or weak and not knowing how to deal with being a living-breathing miracle. We ALL are, but to become one again at 28 in some very surprising events... uh, I still stumble with the words so for now, I usually am tight lipped about it all. How do you talk about something this amazing when "there wasn't a reason to cause it" and you still don't have the words??
All of that supernatural intervention aside, Craig was the place that I got to first-hand SEE that transformation. I came in and couldn't swallow. Couldn't walk. Couldn't talk. Had no recolletion of anything. And I left 2.5 months later talking. Walking. Swallowing. Remembering (somewhat. Ok, this may be a stretch since much of that didn’t happen until like a year later). VERY MUCH still questioning WHAT just happened to me and HOW GOD allowed that to happen to ME (still sorting through that existential question, but in a MUCH healthier place of questioning it all now after counseling and having some dear friends walk with me and not rush me to have it figured out yet!!) Folks, Craig has come to symbolize this point in my life. Highlighting a thin place of so much healing for me. Where I could literally see the difference from coming in one way and leaving a completely different person. I get to be a part of that in other people's stories' now. It may just be volunteering yet, but this is where I want to be. Need to be. I needed someone then that was further along in their journey to give me hope then that there was going to be a day where a wheelchair wouldn't be my reality. Where I could go to the bathroom unattended. Where I could swallow and talk again- without thickeners and really eat foods again. That I would still accomplish things, even if the doctors were dampening my hopes for X,Y, and Z. I get to have a part in other's stories of regaining abilities again. This is a thin place for me now, where I can see God working in me, through me, and even in spite of me. I WANT to be a part of other peoples' wrestling with the very questions that I was asking 4.5 years ago, and still letting go of the not having answers. I've been there. I can get it. I want to be a part of other people asking those very questions, and wrestling through the finding the answers themselves. The struggle and journey as you question is beautiful, and I think many American's just 'want it to be done and over with' or 'just accept it and move on'. We don't deal well with grief, especially if we don't have any answers or platitudes to accompany it. So many withdrawl because it makes us uncomfortable to not know what to say in return, and we go to where we can "feel useful". I've become ok with the gray areas. The places that don't have answers. Where words fail. Where just being is enough.
So these are my thoughts from Women At The Cross and volunteering at Craig again. Things may not look at all like I thought they would in Denver, but He is providing and I am excited to see what else lay ahead!
Love,
Amy Christine
Monday, September 16, 2013
My Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde
Yes, I know that no one really likes the rain. And rarely do you feel productive when you just want to sit in front of a fire, drinking hot chocolate and reading a book. I get it. But I've noticed in the last few weeks since being back in Denver just what a DIFFERENCE it makes when it's nice out. Sun shining gives me hope and reminds of the great things around me. My perspective easily shifts. I'm hopeful about my future again. I can give voice to what God might be doing around me. I can recognize the many, many blessings that are around my life. I can speak of them with confidence. However, when the skies open and it will not stop raining, as it did for much of last week, I want to crawl and hide. My body physically takes so much effort to do the most basic of functions. I have no energy. I'm completely lethargic. My head and muscles aches and throb. I want to curl in a ball and hide, forever. My perspective is incredibly focused on self-preservation. I just want the pain inside to STOP.
On the outside, I "look" fine. I sometimes force myself to get dressed and participate in life, although that's rare. However, inside, I am hurting. And I get tired of talking about it. I've been asked "Well, why don't you just stay in bed then?" Deep breath. If I stayed in bed ALL THE TIME that I felt crappy, I would never leave. And after a few days of being bound to your bed, you go stir-crazy. So, I've mastered the art of continuing with much of life while in the midst of pain(s). Try going to graduate school with a constant headache that could just morph into a migraine whenever... I've learned some of my limits from my stroke, and will never again ignore all the signs leading up to that event. I'm now passionate about medical coverage, because I didn't think anything could happen to me either. Thank you Starbucks insurance. And now I can be thankful for the event for being more cogniszent to my own body and taking care of this temple that I dwell in on Earth for now.
All that to say, the Sun in shining again today, and my body is taking a deep breath of relief. Relaxing from the chaos that was last week, hiding in my bed, afraid to emerge. One of the things I am most excited about living in Denver again is that I get those days SO MUCH MORE OFTEN. I can be who I really was created to be. The person who emerges when it's rainy out is a shell of a person, drudging through life methodically, simply trying to survive until it's an acceptable time to return to Bed. I know that's not who God has created me to be. So I will stand tall and proud on these nice days out. And rejoice and sing of the New Creation that I am. I want to learn (with time) how to do that even when it's not so nice out, but that's a hurdle to get over next time it's rainy. For now, I will stand firm in the Sunshine, remembering all the good that He has done for me!
Love,
Amy Christine
On the outside, I "look" fine. I sometimes force myself to get dressed and participate in life, although that's rare. However, inside, I am hurting. And I get tired of talking about it. I've been asked "Well, why don't you just stay in bed then?" Deep breath. If I stayed in bed ALL THE TIME that I felt crappy, I would never leave. And after a few days of being bound to your bed, you go stir-crazy. So, I've mastered the art of continuing with much of life while in the midst of pain(s). Try going to graduate school with a constant headache that could just morph into a migraine whenever... I've learned some of my limits from my stroke, and will never again ignore all the signs leading up to that event. I'm now passionate about medical coverage, because I didn't think anything could happen to me either. Thank you Starbucks insurance. And now I can be thankful for the event for being more cogniszent to my own body and taking care of this temple that I dwell in on Earth for now.
All that to say, the Sun in shining again today, and my body is taking a deep breath of relief. Relaxing from the chaos that was last week, hiding in my bed, afraid to emerge. One of the things I am most excited about living in Denver again is that I get those days SO MUCH MORE OFTEN. I can be who I really was created to be. The person who emerges when it's rainy out is a shell of a person, drudging through life methodically, simply trying to survive until it's an acceptable time to return to Bed. I know that's not who God has created me to be. So I will stand tall and proud on these nice days out. And rejoice and sing of the New Creation that I am. I want to learn (with time) how to do that even when it's not so nice out, but that's a hurdle to get over next time it's rainy. For now, I will stand firm in the Sunshine, remembering all the good that He has done for me!
Love,
Amy Christine
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