Baking and R&R time "away"

Even though it's spring break... I haven't done much outside of my ordinary. I'm still reading for my classes, trying to read ahead even for them so my upcoming weeks aren't so packed, and doing my school work. Since starting graduate school, I've never gone anywhere during any of our breaks- I've always used the time to catch up on work for class or write a paper or something. This year I was going to head back to MI to visit my family, but flights were too much, so I'm going to try and go in May after the semester is over.

I've realized that baking things centers me. I like creating and baking from my head and not from a recipe- right now it has to be gluten free but I've made some killer peanut butter brownies, apple crisp (with GF oats), and I'm making honey-cinnamon almonds with coconut right now. You wouldn't know they were gluten free unless I told you. :) That's what I like about it best- not only does it make me just breathe (which tends to be important), but I can't really taste a difference from "regular".

I put in my training and mentoring contract (a class where we get to make our own syllabus and determine how we want to grow that semester) that I wanted to take a personal half-day retreat this semester. This semester I wanted to learn how to talk about the last year and somehow glorify God through it, and have it not come off like a bomb-shell to me or to the person hearing it. I took the retreat tonight, and wrote down the influential people whom the stroke has brought into my life or made our relationship stronger. You all were on the paper too :) Thanks for continuing to be faithful to me as I recover and heal in this season. Your encouragement means A LOT to me. I cried with the Lord tonight because I am so grateful to be here. Reason why still remains unknown, but I'm here and not lining up with any of the milestones that the medical community put before me. That makes me feel awesome about what has happened. Satan didn't know how stubborn I was and that I was going to fight this every step of the way. And those are my random thoughts for a Saturday night :)

Love,
Amy Christine

Constancy

I've figured out in the last few months that I really value consistency. After not really having anyone consistent and constant walking with me through all of this drama, for various reasons, I've realized that not only would it have made things easier to deal with - but on top of all of the changes that are going on around me, that's another thing that I have to consider and deal with. Some of the most valued people in my life are now 2000+ miles away, and that doesn't make the day-to-day dealings any easier. When people ask me "what would make this easier?" having someone consistent and constant in my life would sure help. It wouldn't solve my issues- unless there's a magic red tape destroyer out there that I'm oblivious to, but it would make some of the "stress" and burden of this season a bit easier to deal with.

I'm moving in with a family within a few weeks that has become such a blessing throughout all of this- truly a GODSEND. Sheri had a stroke in 2004 and still has migraine headaches. Although we still have to work out some of the details, I think living with a family again who are established and have been through all of this will make it easier on me as I "heal". They've become a constant in my life, and that really means a lot to me! Doug and Sheri just get it, and that is sooo relieving and makes me just take a deep breath and a sigh of relief. I don't have to prove myself with them or perform- I can just be me and that feels great. Having another set of eyes that can see what I need to work on and things that I may not even be aware of yet means that I can keep learning at school, while healing and focus on getting better without any pressure that I have felt before. I had other options to live more independently, but I think that living with a family again as I progress and recover will be a good step for me, for a lot of reasons. There are A LOT of things that I could complain about, but I've realized that that is not how I want to live my "second chance". I've got a great internship lined up for July, I'm going to move in with Doug and Sheri and their family, I'm still meeting with some of my fabulous nurses and therapists and feel so blessed to have them in my life still, I'm halfway through the semester, I've passed my second round of driving evals and now don't have the speed restricition or the mile radius around my house, I'm going to go on a mini-retreat on Saturday, I'm getting a massage on next Friday, I have a contract job to help me make the ends meet, I got a nice tax return this year, I'm meeting with my neurologist tomorrow for more answers about my head and how we can move forward- so although there are some nasty things that I have to deal with (like a broken computer so I have to use my old one which screen is broken, moving once again mid-semester, two canceled driving eval before today because of freak snowstorms, unreturned phone calls- and the list goes on)- things are looking up and that makes me remember that He is in Control. I don't know what he's doing yet, and may never know, but I'm coming to terms with that fact that I might never know and learning to be OK with that.

Ambiguity has never been something I have valued, and I don't this season will change that in me at all. I took the Myers-Briggs assessment a few weeks ago, and I came out a strong "J" at the end. I had falsely assumed that it was what made me have snap-judgements with people. It actually means that I like order in my life, and highly value to-do lists and a schedule, and that's always been true of me, even before the stroke. A friend thinks that means I have OCD tendencies. I've tried to explain this all to him, but he still thinks that I'm going to turn out with a diagnosis. If so, then I know a few good counselors from school ;) And that's pretty much my random thoughts for tonight! :)

Thoughts on a random Thursday

Life is funny. I got to catch up with a friend over coffee today and it was really good to see her- we used to be lead counselors together at a camp back in MI and then I went and cleaned. It's great that I'm cleaning houses now- it's a way I can clear my head while I clean and listen to music. I need space where I can just be me- and that's a place that seems to work for now, which is much needed.

I listened to a sermon in my car and I'm going to use his thoughts when I go on a mini-retreat to the mountains at the DH cabin next week. Steve Mulhern's thoughts were "Why has the Lord brought you here". There's so many ways I could go with that thought, but maybe in my time away the Lord will give me an answer to that question. He also said to put down my books and just wait on the Lord, and I was going to read my Bible, journal and read a book called "Getting Past Your Past" by Susan Wilkinson. It's been on my shelf for several years, but I think I may glean from it now new thoughts that I may have not learned a few years ago. I think Steve's message was just what I needed before I head into Spring Break and do this retreat next week.

I've tried different avenues of getting ahold of people around here, and I'm starting to take their silence personally. I'm trying not to be too pushy or demanding, and I realize I don't have even a part-time job right now- but even if you can't talk- just send me a text back and tell me that! It's quickly becoming one of my pet peeves. Why even have a phone or an email if you're never going to use it?

I took my only mid-term exam yesterday, and although I didn't do as well as I had hoped, my speech therapist thinks that I did great and there was A LOT of info to cover! I think from the stroke I've changed the mentality of "I have to get all A's" because that's probably not going to happen anymore, and that has to be OK now. I'm letting that go- slowly.

I have three internship interviews set up in the next few weeks, and although they're with very different populations, I think I will have something unique to contribute to the internship site and learn from each ! I have an interview with a pregnancy center, a place that helps families coming out of homelessness, and a grief center for Children who have lost someone special in their lives. I'd like to start in July and go through when I graduate next year! I should know where I'm going to be an intern in s few weeks!

This last weekend's migraine freaked me out, and I talked with the house manager (Mary Lu), and although I love this community and it's been so supportive in this season, she's been very understanding with me wanting to put my health first. I'm either going to take a single room here that's more secluded, or I've had a few friends offer for me to live with them. I know I moved here to be surrounded by people, but I need to put my health first. Lot's of praying for clarity in the next few days!

Love,
Amy Christine
That's most of what's going on right now!

Stupid Migraines...

They're back- with intensity. This one is on day three, and it has me questioning a lot. I've thrown up three times, which I haven't done since my stroke. To see what's causing them (a trigger if you will) I'm going gluten-free for a few weeks. Special pasta, bread, etc. I can still have meat, vegetables, fruit, most dairy, but not regular bread or pasta. It's at least worth a short for awhile- and I don't have anything to lose except a little money because eating this way isn't cheap! That's my big announcement for now! Thanks for continuing to follow along- your support and encouragement mean a lot to me right now!

A Friday Update.

I HAVE A NEW JOB! AMEN! My old boss from the preschool in Boulder needed someone to do contract data entry for her new job, a project for her non-profit, and it's pretty easy and flexible for this season while I'm in school, so it works out great for both of us! I think the Lord looked at my finances and went "well... she's going to need some help." I'm just looking for some flexible things to add to my bag of ways to make income- so if anyone can think of families around here that need cleaning, baby-sitting, house-sitting, pet sitting- whatever- I'm a Jill of all trades! :)

Driving- I have another driving evaluation next Friday afternoon to get 2 of the 3 restrictions taken off of my license. Hopefully, by this time next week I should be able to drive outside of my bubble (15 minutes from where I'm living), and go more than 40mph. Those restrictions may not seem like a big deal, but feeling like a grandma when you're driving... well... I'm ready to have them gone. I should get the one that says I can't drive after dark taken away in June sometime. Since not having my license and then getting it back with "restrictions", I've become more aware of other silly drivers, what they're doing wrong, and how much of a hurry most drivers seem to be in. Since I'm not usually in that hurry, I just merge over and let them pass me because apparently they're in a much bigger hurry or time constraint. Slowing down with the Stroke and becoming more aware of driving and life in general, as much as I hate to admit it, has been good for me because I can look back and see in other drivers just how unsafe or distracted I used to be. This little "speed bump" was good for me to slow down and re-assess what I was doing, why, and my purpose for living.

I wrote in a previous blog posting about getting Botox authorized from my insurance to have that done for my head. Still no news, but my Dr.'s office is still fighting with my insurance company almost a month later. I'm ready to call up the insurance company myself and yell at them and tell them it's the only thing that I think will work for me at this point. I'm almost to the point of pain that I was in before the stroke, and since I don't want to go through the last year again- I think it's the only thing that might work to take the edge off.

Midterms- I have one midterm next week in my Career class, and I keep dragging my feet with it because I don't want to study! I've pretty much done everything else for my other class to not have to study, even though I know I need to.

Ambiguity- I'm realizing that life is just ambiguous, and it may not just be this season and I may just have to get used to that fact- which I hate. Can I go back to being a little kid again without any cares and where other people did everything for me and I didn't have to worry about this adult stuff? I mean, I pretty much already get treated like a kid- so there really wouldn't be a big change.

So that's pretty much my life right now- a snapshot if you will! Ambiguity, the upcoming Driving Eval., 1 Midterm, a new (flexible) job to make some money, driving, and botox.

Love,
Amy Christine

Stirring up the pot...

I'm in a social-cultural foundations of counseling class, and it's getting me to see some of the blinders I've had on when it comes to dealing with people. Not only is it shaking up my theology and how I see God and what He is doing in my life, but it's also causing me to apologize for some of the insensitive things that I've said over the years (and I've never had a filter... so that becomes A LOT of apologies!). I'm realizing that I've been insensitive and misunderstood people and where they have come from- and after feeling some of those things in the last year, I've realized that I wouldn't want to do it to anybody else either if I can help it! This class (and my time in school in general) is a good time for me to sort through some of these things as a student and before I'm actually a practicing therapist someday! I'm having to write a reflection paper on the readings and class discussions, and I'm coming to realize just how prejudiced I am in certain areas and how hard it is for me to admit it. I hate working through these things, but I guess this is as good a time as any, right?

Random thoughts from this season...

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Well, actually a lot of things. I kind-of wish that I had a limp or a chair because as I grapple with "what does it mean to be disabled" it would cut down on the confusion for other people. Even though I don't "feel" disabled, and I don't want to be treated any differently... I'm slowly having to admit to myself that I am and incorporate that idea into my own identity, thoughts, and self-concept. It's a really hard thing to admit to myself and deal with, partially because I don't feel it. I know I'm not missing a limb or in a wheelchair, but I am cognitively disabled now, and I have to accept that for myself and my own "self-concept"- which is really hard and difficult because on the outset, because I don't look or act any different. I think being back in classes and my routine "pre-stroke" gives me those expectations to "perform" like I did before my accident. The stroke did take away part of my brain, my reaction time, I get more confused, distracted and disoriented easily, and just everything in life is harder now. Even saying that "out-loud" is hard for me to admit.

Another thing is that being in person- or even carrying on a phone conversation is hard for me now. Text and email don't take as much energy- but can also be mis-interpreted easily. It's two-fold and a trade off depending on how I feel and what I'm trying to communicate. I interviewed a friend (Sheri) for a class a week ago that had a stoke in 2004, and I asked her what she wished that other people could understand about TBI's (Traumatic Brain Injuries)- and she said she tries not to dwell on the things she can't do any longer- because if she was going to forget something, it probably wasn't very important anyway or she could just blame it on age. I think for me, I would want people to know just how much effort everything takes me- not that I want their pity, but just that "doing life" is now a chore. Every day takes A LOT of energy, and doing the things I used to do no longer energize me. Even spelling, reading, writing- everything for school just takes more time now and I don't know how else to explain it. A girl at the Seminary said it great today- even coming back and finishing my masters' degree is a huge accomplishment, and one that not many people will go for, let alone within 6 months after their brain explodes. So there are a lot of things that are on-hold right now and I'm having to adjust to being OK with that fact.

One more thing that came to mind recently- and isn't anybody's fault- but I haven't really had a consistent person with me through all of this. I had Shauna, Tara, and my Mom while I was in the hospital, my family over the summer, the Swanson's this fall, and now it's mainly the Downing House. There hasn't been a consistent "person"- and again, not anyone's fault and I'm not pointing fingers, but that might have made things feel "less rocky" during transitions. I think the Lord is having me learn to trust and rely on Him instead of a "person" because a person here is more tangible and comforting in the moment- and apparently that's not what He wants in this season. What are you trying to teach me then? Am I that dense that the only way you could get my attention was to get me in the hospital for 4 months, take away all of my independence, and ever so slowly give it to me back? What am I supposed to be learning for this? Maybe I'll never know, and that needs to be OK.

Manic Mondays

As I've said before... everything seems to take me more time now. While my mom was out here a few weeks ago, she asked me why, and I couldn't "pin-point" a reason. It seems that my brain just takes more time in reading, comprehending, writing papers- pretty much everything I do in graduate school. I'll still have a year and a half left, but I've slowed it down and I'm only going to take about 6 or 7 credits a semester. I feel as though I've been given a second chance at life and the government is paying for my school now, so I really want to apply myself and learn this information while I'm here. I got up early to take my roommate to work (she got in a car accident a few weeks ago so is without a car- so I know how that feels!) and woke up with a migraine as well. It was supposed to be my study day, but instead, I just took it easy on my reading assignments, worked on my resume for class and an internship prospect, and tried to nurse my head back to health. My friend Sheri (who also suffers from debilitating migraines) said she woke up with a migraine today as well, so maybe it was just a mixture of the early morning and Sheri said a front is coming in. I'm almost back to the point of pain that I was at before the stroke, and my neurologist's office is currently fighting with my insurance to get them to pay for botox, which would really help my head. We've done every test under the sun, so I don't know what else we could possibly try besides a head transplant. Do they even do that? I'd be willing to try at this point!

It feels like everything in my life is in flux- I'm getting used to having a roommate again (and we have totally opposite schedules), being back in school but constantly feeling behind and trying to be OK with that, going back to therapy and having to admit that I "don't have it all figured out", going to counseling to try and work on me, being without a job and living off the government, and just being OK with the constant state of changes that are going on around me. I took the Myers-Briggs test a few weeks ago, and now I'm a ESFJ (I used to be an ENFJ), and my professor told me that the "J" actually has more to do with my need for order and to-do lists. So that's it! I'm not too judgmental or rigid after all (well, according to the test). I just keep sighing and going "Oh, LIFE!". I have no idea what lays ahead, but I'm willing and ready to learn!
Love,
Amy Christine