Constancy

I've figured out in the last few months that I really value consistency. After not really having anyone consistent and constant walking with me through all of this drama, for various reasons, I've realized that not only would it have made things easier to deal with - but on top of all of the changes that are going on around me, that's another thing that I have to consider and deal with. Some of the most valued people in my life are now 2000+ miles away, and that doesn't make the day-to-day dealings any easier. When people ask me "what would make this easier?" having someone consistent and constant in my life would sure help. It wouldn't solve my issues- unless there's a magic red tape destroyer out there that I'm oblivious to, but it would make some of the "stress" and burden of this season a bit easier to deal with.

I'm moving in with a family within a few weeks that has become such a blessing throughout all of this- truly a GODSEND. Sheri had a stroke in 2004 and still has migraine headaches. Although we still have to work out some of the details, I think living with a family again who are established and have been through all of this will make it easier on me as I "heal". They've become a constant in my life, and that really means a lot to me! Doug and Sheri just get it, and that is sooo relieving and makes me just take a deep breath and a sigh of relief. I don't have to prove myself with them or perform- I can just be me and that feels great. Having another set of eyes that can see what I need to work on and things that I may not even be aware of yet means that I can keep learning at school, while healing and focus on getting better without any pressure that I have felt before. I had other options to live more independently, but I think that living with a family again as I progress and recover will be a good step for me, for a lot of reasons. There are A LOT of things that I could complain about, but I've realized that that is not how I want to live my "second chance". I've got a great internship lined up for July, I'm going to move in with Doug and Sheri and their family, I'm still meeting with some of my fabulous nurses and therapists and feel so blessed to have them in my life still, I'm halfway through the semester, I've passed my second round of driving evals and now don't have the speed restricition or the mile radius around my house, I'm going to go on a mini-retreat on Saturday, I'm getting a massage on next Friday, I have a contract job to help me make the ends meet, I got a nice tax return this year, I'm meeting with my neurologist tomorrow for more answers about my head and how we can move forward- so although there are some nasty things that I have to deal with (like a broken computer so I have to use my old one which screen is broken, moving once again mid-semester, two canceled driving eval before today because of freak snowstorms, unreturned phone calls- and the list goes on)- things are looking up and that makes me remember that He is in Control. I don't know what he's doing yet, and may never know, but I'm coming to terms with that fact that I might never know and learning to be OK with that.

Ambiguity has never been something I have valued, and I don't this season will change that in me at all. I took the Myers-Briggs assessment a few weeks ago, and I came out a strong "J" at the end. I had falsely assumed that it was what made me have snap-judgements with people. It actually means that I like order in my life, and highly value to-do lists and a schedule, and that's always been true of me, even before the stroke. A friend thinks that means I have OCD tendencies. I've tried to explain this all to him, but he still thinks that I'm going to turn out with a diagnosis. If so, then I know a few good counselors from school ;) And that's pretty much my random thoughts for tonight! :)