Brain Map, Decisions, and maybe moving back to the Midwest?

I had a map of my brain, an EEG, done with a Naturalist a few weeks ago. I got back her results yesterday and read them during a break in my class today. It was really interesting, and I was shocked that she could tell that much about me just by what certain waves were or weren't doing in my brain. One thing I have certainly learned firsthand in the last year is that the brain is an incredible organ, and for only using about 10% of it, we don't know very much yet. Which leads me to another thing that I have been considering- what to do from here. The Naturalist (Dr. Alba) has been having me take some natural supplements, which are really expensive, and I haven't felt much different on them. I went to see this naturalist, and I feel really comfortable with her (I feel like she has been reading my mail- she knows so much about me already!), but I really like the chiropractors that I went to see too. I don't have enough money in my "HSA" to do both, which they are about the same amount- if I was to continue with the naturalist Neuro-integration work from here or continue seeing the chiropractors. The Chiropractors were really interesting- they don't do the "normal" chiropractic work- like bone cracking- on their patients, but Network Spinal Analysis (which is more holistic). They are quite a ways away from me (about 30 minutes one way), so either option has its positive and negatives. My mom made a great point a few weeks ago- so I'm trying them each one by one and then seeing if I notice an improvement or change. So far, I haven't really. Although the super-restricted diet has made my migraines less intense and less frequent than normal, I still have them (now about every two weeks instead), and still have my daily headaches.

Moving back to the Downing House has been great- and I have really missed this community of believers here. My one house-mate went on vacation for over a week, so I have the place to myself, and I'm loving it. Although I've been having to get up early, the time to be by myself has been replenishing me. Since the stroke I'm a lot more at peace being alone, which before the stroke, I would do anything to not be alone. Even my counselor, Jolene, has said that one of the blessings to come out of the stroke is me coming to terms with my limits in a healthy manner and learning to take care of myself in the process. This next semester of school I'm going to create a learning contract focused on learn self-care as I finish my degree.

I'd like to get a new computer. The one I have I bought in October online, and I thought it was the one I had been checking out in the store. Since I didn't have my drivers license back yet, I ordered it online to not have to ask anyone to take me up to the store. It wasn't the same one, and it is huge, bulky, and heavy to lug to school and back everyday. They only take returns for 14 days, so now I'm stuck with it since it's the end of June. So I think I'm going to get a different and not as heavy one, but I think I'm going to have to get random jobs or something over the summer to pay for it (because although I have money tucked away in savings, a new computer probably wouldn't be a wise move at this point unfortunately).

I want to be closer to my family as they grow older and I hate the idea of my sister having to care for my parents as they age with just her and my brother-in-law. I'd also like to be around to see my niece's or nephews (no- Kelli's not pregnant), but with time, I'd like to be closer. I'm having to weigh my options of dealing with worse allergies, handling the humidity, not having the majestic mountain view around me all the time, but being closer to my family. If I'd be honest with myself, there's really not much that is keeping me out here besides my school. If I would drop out now, I'd have to start again in the new program (which would be more work) and Vocational Rehabilitation wouldn't be paying for it- so since I'm 75% done, I've decided to finish and I'll be done in May, even if I'm not sure of how I'll use it (or even if I will, formally) yet. Colorado hasn't really been what I thought it was going to be- God called me here, and then my best friend's child died during childbirth, the church plant was really hard on me, I started graduate school, had a stroke, had to fight to get my independence back, and everything seems to be up in the air again 5 years later. I've made some great friendships and grown a lot, but it hasn't been easy on me by any stretch of the imagination. So I'm considering moving back to Indianapolis after graduation in May. There are a lot of factors surrounding my decision, but I wouldn't have to re-learn another city since I lived there after college. I still have a few acquaintances that live there, so I wouldn't really have to start over as much as if I moved to a random place for a job or something. Again, LOT'S of decisions in my life right now, from doctors, to where and what to do after graduation, maybe a new computer, and everything in between. I'm coming to grips that it's the way my life goes, and I'm slowly coming to terms with that fact. I'm learning that's just life :) And those are my random thoughts for the evening! Thanks for continuing to follow my progress and story!
Love,
Amy Christine

I'm tired

I'm simply tired. I'm tired of pursuing my friends and getting no response- un-returned emails, voicemails, texts... I just don't have that much energy to give anyway, so when it goes un-returned, it makes me feel even more rejected and alone- which let's be honest, is the last thing I need right now. So I'm using that time instead to focus on my studies, unpack more boxes, and settle back in to the Downing House. It's great being back- I've really missed this community of people and believers- they're so wonderful and supportive through everything! It still adds up to more change and ambiguity through it all though. I miss the family I was living with, but I know we'll still see each other.

My neurologist is re-submitting more paperwork to the Mayo Clinic to try and get me in there, but it feels like a long shot. I see a headache specialist here in Denver in a few weeks, so it's not that I'm putting all of my eggs in that basket, but at least she specializes in these. I got another message yesterday (we've been playing phone tag for almost a month) with the driving department here at Craig Hospital- and I'll probably have to wait until August to get that last restriction (driving at night) taken off of my license. Trying to not be bitter about waiting another 2 MONTHS when I've already had to wait a year and a half (for the convenience of others in the driving dept to not have to come into work at 9pm)- but this whole process just seems silly! I know there has to be a silver lining in this situation somehow, it's just hard to see right now. My friend Sheri (from the family I was living with) has started to do a gratitude journal, and I think I'm going to start one as well to not get negative about these sucky things that keep happening to me. There's a lot to be thankful for, and I need to focus on that instead through it all.
Love,
Amy Christine

Young, Enthusiastic, Stroke Survivors

Tonight, I went to a stroke survivor support group with Tara Swanson - and they had to ask- "which of you is the survivor'? It's a good and bad thing that from the outset- you wouldn't know that I have any sort of impairment. I have much to be thankful for, that's for sure. For all of the frustrations that I've gone through in the last 16 months, it's nice to know it's not obvious from the outward like some other people in the group- which I guess could be good and bad. Sometimes I want the limp or the chair just so others would know that there is something different about me- but other times, I kind-of like the anonymity. It was a bitter-sweet night with them, but I think we'll go back again in two weeks when they meet again.
Love,
Amy Christine

Wrestling...

I'm at such a cross-roads of belief, searching, not knowing what to do after I graduate in a year, if I'll even use this degree in any sort of capacity (but if I don't finish it now, I'd have to do the new program which is more work), where I'll even be living- everything is just up in the air and open for debate. The doctors said I would probably never return to graduate school- and I was back within 6 months. They didn't realize how stubborn I was, and how badly I wanted to finish my degree that I was over halfway done with. So not only have I had to fight to get "normal functioning" back (swallowing, walking, talking, etc), but now I'm fighting to finish my degree (which I have no idea how I'll use in the end now), fighting to comprehend my readings and studying- all of the things that used to come so second nature to me in this program. Not that it was ever easy by any stretch, but it just takes sooo much more work now. I hate having to use my "accommodations" on my account (extra time on papers, tests, etc)- because I'm in graduate school and should be able to do this. Even for someone without a TBI, the reading is incredibly dense and a lot to wade through. I think those voices that I can't handle it are just attacks of the Enemy wanting me to give up, but it's so hard and discouraging when it doesn't come easy to me anymore. So not only am I having to re-acclimate to a place I lived earlier this year and new apartment-mates, being back in the classroom for this Theology class, living sudo-independently again, learning about my new internship- but my whole life and future seems to be up in the air too. My life currently gives new meaning to wrestling and figuring things out, and I'm pretty much doing it alone. When I was desiring independence last year when I was in the hospital, doing things alone wasn't really what I had in mind- not that I wanted someone to hold my hand through it all either.

I've going to a support group tomorrow with my friend Tara for people who are young that have had strokes called YESS- Young, Enthusiastic, Stroke Survivors. I've wanted to go since I got out out the hospital last June. I think it will be really good for me to find other people who are like me that their brains have turned against them and they're questioning a lot. I'm looking forward to meeting other people that have had to endure a lot and forming friendships with others that have had to overcome these obstacles or similar ones. Things are just incredibly complicated and there isn't one clear cut answer I'm finding as I mature and figure out this thing called "life".
love,
Amy Christine

More Bad News...

I'm getting more and more used to receiving bad news. Today's: I didn't get into the Mayo Clinic (they need more information from my neurologist- so not all hope is lost yet... but I was devastated yet the same) and my driving re-eval for my last restriction (I can't drive at night still) might have to be postponed until the fall when it gets light out sooner. I didn't put the stupid restriction on my license, and I know it's inconvenient to have to come in and "work" at 9pm... but think of me, always having to leave at 8 or 8:30 when I could still be with my friends. Both sets of bad news came this morning, and all I could do in reaction was just cry. That seems to be all I'm good at lately, which in turn, makes me want to cry some more. I'm trying really hard to not get bitter about these things, but it's hard when they keep on happening to me and I can't see a purpose behind them at all.

I'm all moved (well, the boxes are here at least) back into the Downing House, where I was from January to Spring Break, but the unpacking and finding things is probably going to take weeks. I was really hoping to be done before my class that starts on Monday, but that might just be wishful thinking at this point. I still have reading to do for that class, so that might have to take priority over unpacking with going through boxes as my "break" from Theology reading.

On a positive note, I got a huge blessing in the mail earlier this week from two great friends from Seminary that are moving back to the East Coast because he just graduated. Still not sure what I'm going to use it for, but I think some new sandals might be in order (I've been putting on my Chaco's and not fastening them up because that takes effort and I've become lazy!). The Wertheim's are such a great blessing to me as I've recovered! Thanks for believing in me guys! This has not been an easy journey, but thanks for standing by me throughout all of the valley's and such! :) I hope the move back to the East Coast will be a good transition for you!

I probably should have posted pictures and stories from my trip to MI and MN to see my family and friends, but I'm too tired to right now ;)If I suddenly find some energy, then maybe I will for everyone! Thanks for continuing to follow my random thoughts and rants!
Love,
Amy Christine