Wrestling...

I'm at such a cross-roads of belief, searching, not knowing what to do after I graduate in a year, if I'll even use this degree in any sort of capacity (but if I don't finish it now, I'd have to do the new program which is more work), where I'll even be living- everything is just up in the air and open for debate. The doctors said I would probably never return to graduate school- and I was back within 6 months. They didn't realize how stubborn I was, and how badly I wanted to finish my degree that I was over halfway done with. So not only have I had to fight to get "normal functioning" back (swallowing, walking, talking, etc), but now I'm fighting to finish my degree (which I have no idea how I'll use in the end now), fighting to comprehend my readings and studying- all of the things that used to come so second nature to me in this program. Not that it was ever easy by any stretch, but it just takes sooo much more work now. I hate having to use my "accommodations" on my account (extra time on papers, tests, etc)- because I'm in graduate school and should be able to do this. Even for someone without a TBI, the reading is incredibly dense and a lot to wade through. I think those voices that I can't handle it are just attacks of the Enemy wanting me to give up, but it's so hard and discouraging when it doesn't come easy to me anymore. So not only am I having to re-acclimate to a place I lived earlier this year and new apartment-mates, being back in the classroom for this Theology class, living sudo-independently again, learning about my new internship- but my whole life and future seems to be up in the air too. My life currently gives new meaning to wrestling and figuring things out, and I'm pretty much doing it alone. When I was desiring independence last year when I was in the hospital, doing things alone wasn't really what I had in mind- not that I wanted someone to hold my hand through it all either.

I've going to a support group tomorrow with my friend Tara for people who are young that have had strokes called YESS- Young, Enthusiastic, Stroke Survivors. I've wanted to go since I got out out the hospital last June. I think it will be really good for me to find other people who are like me that their brains have turned against them and they're questioning a lot. I'm looking forward to meeting other people that have had to endure a lot and forming friendships with others that have had to overcome these obstacles or similar ones. Things are just incredibly complicated and there isn't one clear cut answer I'm finding as I mature and figure out this thing called "life".
love,
Amy Christine