This season is making me really thankful, and as I was writing in my journal last night, it hit me- just how much of my attitude has even changed over the last couple of months. I think the biggest thing that hit me was when I meditated on 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 a few weeks ago. I've had to realize that to be honest, I've believed the lie that if you have faith, then you shouldn't have to go through crap. One of the biggest tendencies with this lie is to think that you're somehow exempt from trials. That couldn't be further from the truth. It still bring tears to my eyes to realize that I'm not exempt but that He is there with me in the midst of the pain. The last 19+ months have been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. Never could I have imagined how God would orchestrate the events of what has gone down. On the outside, I "look" normal (whatever normal even is anyway), but cognitively, I'm different now. In all honesty, I don't think I would trade what I have now for what I did have before February 2009. That's a HUGE step for me to even admit. I'm able to sort through my priorities and set up proper boundaries to take care of ME and this "New Lifestyle" that just takes so much energy! Living everyday now with a TBI and some memory and coordination issues still lingering is beyond frustrating. The doubts and lies hit me every day of what I USED to be able to do but can do no longer. For a long time, my attitude has been "why me?" or "woe is me". Really, it was as if God had to do something SO DRAMATIC in my life without a medical explanation to make me realize it happened because of _____. I think that would make me rely on people or medicine instead of the Lord. Apparently, that wasn't his purpose, and I probably won't get a medical answer now since it has been so long and they aren't too worried about me having another one. That acceptance that things aren't going to change, things are the way they are during this last part of graduate school, and then who knows after May is giving me the hope to continue and press on right now. Just glad I'm getting to a healthier place with the One who does know what is going to happen in May after I graduate from school and having to TRUST the process.
I've been contemplating a lot lately. I'm just beyond thankful for some of the awesome things that God has given me in strange packages to bless me. I'm leading a post-abortion group on Tuesday nights- and although I haven't had one, I can completely relate with the expressions of the women express in our times together because the grief from our incidents are so similar. I already wrote about it, but my not being able to remember my clients stories has become a blessing to not take them home with me when I'm done at the end of the day. The community that I'm living with is beyond amazing. I can have community time when I need it, but can also retreat into my single room to read or write a paper. They have just been so accepting of me, my limitations, and what I want to do with school and ministry eventually. Their grace extended to me just blesses me so much, and has helped me to turn my attitude around in the last few weeks without their even knowing it. I started going to a new church earlier this summer, and a friend of mine and I both have had similar feelings: this is going to be a place where we can HEAL. For a long time, we've just felt as though we've had our fists raised in the air at God. Slowly, but surely, this has felt like a place that accepts us as we are and wants to help us grow to be more than we are now, without even knowing the stories of our pasts. That gives me hope for the future. I clean for the family that I lived with when I did have the stroke. It seems weird, but it's a tangible few hours where I can just be by myself, listen to music, cry (I love that I can clean by myself and have that freedom!)-- I can earn some extra money and have some time to process all of what is going on around me in life right now. My internship, my classes, my new church, cleaning for Brianna and Aaron, this DH community, accepting the circumstances around me for what they are and that is just the way things are right now: constant daily head pain without much relief or hope that things are going to get any better, very tight financially, having to Trust Him with everything, friends that are in difficult places far away... Things are hard right now, but coming to a place accept it for what it is and there will be a purpose eventually, that's giving me hope. Sorting out who this post-stroke Amy is, what she needs to be healthy in all areas of life- physically, mentally, spiritually, socially--all of it. I've truly been given a second chance and I'm promising to remain open to whatever lessons I still need to learn along the way. Thanks for sticking with me and reading through my sorting through everything that has happened over the past 19+ months. Your sticking by me in this journey still means so much--more than I could ever let you know with words. Thank you for the grace to figure out what this season is and means for me.
Love,
Amy Christine
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