The Velveteen Rabbit

Jolene (my personal counselor) has made lot's of great suggestions to me over our time together. Her latest homework was to go back and read the Velveteen Rabbit (yes, the same story that was read to you when you were 3). So I went to the Library this week and read it again, and was moved to tears. I love one of the lines by the Skin Horse "Real isn't how you are made... When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real" and later "But once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for ALWAYS". Who knew this story could move me to tears? Apparently Jolene and I think she was listening carefully to someone else at the time. I needed that story. It is my own story of recognition of the new things I have gained since the stroke, including an acceptance of myself, flaws and all. I think that's one of the best gifts of all.

Along with my second chance at life, I get to discover what really gives me life and how to really take care of ME. That self-discovery process is SO HARD. I'm realizing that who I was before the stroke was pretty flawed, as much as I thought I has things "put together". That acceptance and plan of learning is so difficult, to accept even who I was and who I'm becoming as an "in process" sort of deal. If I could sum up all of the hurdles that I've had to face head-on in the last 20 months- really, they're aren't words to describe this adventure. It has been incredibly difficult, and I've had to do much of the work by myself--something that before the stroke I hated, but I am learning to appreciate the woman I am and am becoming like that Velveteen Rabbit. My "hairs" and "fur" get shabby and worn, but I'm realizing that it is what makes me ME. And that's pretty cool! Self-Acceptance can hurt, and the stings can come from out of nowhere along the way. But I wouldn't trade the process of becoming "Real" for anything. I'm becoming more and more thankful for the stroke, for all that it has taken from me, and the things that I have gotten in return that were very hidden blessings that I wouldn't have "chosen". That acceptance has been huge. Being able to accept the crap that comes along with each and every new day hurts and it sucks. No one really gets it, and it's hard to articulate. That's isolating and an alone feeling, but it also has weird trade-offs. So as I come to terms with self-acceptance in my life for who I am today, I am realizing I am a lot like the rabbit after all. There might be a lot of things that are hidden blessings. I guess the stroke was my magic. As I look back at the painful pictures from last year, I am reminded that I will never be that person again. The grief and loss that comes with that idea is incredibly painful and I lack the words to really fully describe it to others. And yet, I'm still here and still surpassing all of the things that I was told I would never get to do. With each new little milestone, I celebrate being here and having another chance to relish this things called life and all that comes with it. I've been given a new chance at breathing and living. I have been made real, and though that is a process within me, I wouldn't have it any other way. There is truly a freedom that comes with living with a TBI and being given a second chance again. I am grateful for all that the stroke has given me. I used to think of it as a curse, but now, it has become a blessing to me after all. Something I wouldn't have chosen but has been redeemed. Though there are daily trials and testing of my patience, emotions, and intellect--I'm still here, trucking away. And that process of self-acceptance with my flaws and learning about how I am now makes all of the difference. If people don't like me know, that's their problem and I'm not responsible for how they feel. God has just asked me to follow Him and to extend His love to others, and along the way, I will fall, get hurt, get shabby, and make plenty of mistakes. That's what living life is about though- redemption of the painful things for beauty in situations. I'm learning to love me through this process, and I think that's the hardest lesson of love because I had some pretty warped thinking before. As I learn to undo some of that "learning" that I've held so tightly and begin to analyze it for what it is and let go, there is freedom and beauty that is allowed to come forward too. And that's what being Real is all about. I'm thankful for that little story, because the bunny rabbit and I have a lot more in common than I used to think.
Love,
Amy Christine