Comparison is an ugly game, when I compare myself to others and to what I used to be capable of. I hate it. It's ugly. When I study or work in the library, it honestly sickens me to see people "Welp, that's done" when I haven't even STARTED the assignment. 1) It's probably not going to be nearly as good as theirs and 2) It makes me realize how far I've come from the stroke, and how far I have yet to go. That saddens me. There are so many things that I'm missing out on because I don't have the time or the energy anymore to keep up in the rat race, and I don't know that I want to either. I've defied all the odds. I get that. I shouldn't have even gone back to graduate school, and yet, here I am, studying day and night, losing sleep and having people I love write my flash cards and such just because that ONE more thing I don't have time to do. What would take an "able-bodied" person an hour to read takes me three. I can't make excuses about that. It's just the way it is. It's something I have to accept. I'm not who I once was, and I don't think I would want the old Amy back anyway. The friendships and relationships I lost because of the even show me the were not as close as I thought they were, and that's ok. My family doesn't bring up the stroke or the seizure, I'm assuming because they think it might make me angry or offend me somehow. I'm ok talking about it. It's one more testimony to what He has done in my life.
This week for my Professional Orientation class (Counseling Ethics) we had to read about multi-cultural counseling. Last spring I took our Social/Cultural counseling class, and had to come to terms that now I'm "disabled", even if that handicap is something you can't "see" with your naked eye necessarily. I'm cognitively disabled, and it's almost worse that way because people don't realize that they have to talk a little bit slower, or when a migraine is coming on, that the littlest things can set it off: smells, sounds, foods, movements... you name it, when I'm in that place, anything can push me over the edge of no return. As I was reading for this week, although our social/cultural book mentioned working with disabilities at least 100 times, our ethics book only mentioned it but went no further. I was offended. People with disabilities, even learning disabilities to handicaps requiring a wheelchair or something more extreme, was never mentioned in our ethics book. How are we supposed to treat people ethically if IT'S NEVER EVEN MENTIONED. 10 pages on working with people of another sexual orientation, which is going to be very important too, but NOTHING on handicaps. I think that's a shame. Honestly, we're going to come into contact with far more people with disabilities than gender identity issues probably. But don't tell us how to handle that, surely we'll figure it out, right? And these are the things I'm thinking about before class on Wednesday. I'll probably post again on my anxiety about COMPS on Saturday morning! I just have to keep reminding myself that all the people who graduated before me or took the COMPS before me think that I'll do great, so I'm believing in their belief in me. And I have anxiety pills too :)
Amy Christine
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Pain
I don't know what it is to be pain free anymore. After my stroke, I went until October until I had another migraine, and thought that they were gone for good! I would have a headache, and could actually take Tylenol to make it go away, AND IT WORKED. That hasn't happened since before middle school. I've had constant daily headache's since high school and migraines since college. They started out as once every three or so months, then once a month, and then once a week, and then progressed into several a week. Right before the stroke I had once for 7 weeks. It was unbearable. I would take medicine just to get through class or time with clients, but it would come back at night inevitably. Right before the stroke, I went to my Neurologist who was also a DO on a Monday, and he did manipulation on my neck, and whatever he did made the headaches go away. He could have decapitated me for all I cared, I just wanted the pain to go away. I woke up on that Tuesday migraine free! I hadn't know pain free in so long that it felt foreign. Wednesday it came back, and Brianna (the mom of the family I was living with) said I was acting funny, almost inebriated when I don't drink. That was our first clue that something was off that day. Thinking back to that time makes me so sad. Why didn't we pick up on the signs sooner??
2/25/09 Changed my life forever, and maybe after my 2 year anniversary I can stop thinking about "It's been ____ since the stroke" 8 Days. It's been a year and a half that the headaches and migraines have been back. Pretty much daily, I'm in pain. Pain is my normal now. I hate that. It makes me so mad. Paul talks about "the thorn in His side" in 2 Corinthians, and apparently, this is mine. But it's not like I can just sit in bed all day... I wouldn't even know what "normal" feels like anymore. I've gotten so used to the pain and I HATE it.
I skyped with my friend Hilary (who also has had migraines) a few weeks ago and had a migraine, and had to explain to her that there are differing "levels" in a sense for me. There are 4 levels for me. Level 1 is my daily headache. I'm in pain, but a normal, every day headache. I can still go about what I need to do for graduate school. Level 2 is I need pain medicine to do what I'm going to do (that day was a level two). Level 3 is I need to lay down with ice packs in a dark, quiet room and take my medicine, and hopefully the sleep will take care of it. Sometimes, if I catch it in time, it works. Level 4, and I HATE THESE, is where I need to go to the ER. I haven't been since October. Still trying to pay off and maneuver some of those bills. I hope writing this doesn't jinx me and bring a big one on. This week has been hard. I've pretty much woken up every morning with a migraine, and that makes me so sad. I just want my head to be "normal". I may never be "normal", but I just want the pain to go away. I've been reading a book for my New Testament class online, and there was a quote yesterday over 2 Corinthians that really hit home. "God can often use [us] in [our] weaknesses, including illness and poverty, better than He can in other situations... because we remain more visibly dependent on Him" -Craig Blomberg I needed to be reminded of that yesterday. Thanks for continuing to follow along on my progress! :)
Love,
Amy Christine
2/25/09 Changed my life forever, and maybe after my 2 year anniversary I can stop thinking about "It's been ____ since the stroke" 8 Days. It's been a year and a half that the headaches and migraines have been back. Pretty much daily, I'm in pain. Pain is my normal now. I hate that. It makes me so mad. Paul talks about "the thorn in His side" in 2 Corinthians, and apparently, this is mine. But it's not like I can just sit in bed all day... I wouldn't even know what "normal" feels like anymore. I've gotten so used to the pain and I HATE it.
I skyped with my friend Hilary (who also has had migraines) a few weeks ago and had a migraine, and had to explain to her that there are differing "levels" in a sense for me. There are 4 levels for me. Level 1 is my daily headache. I'm in pain, but a normal, every day headache. I can still go about what I need to do for graduate school. Level 2 is I need pain medicine to do what I'm going to do (that day was a level two). Level 3 is I need to lay down with ice packs in a dark, quiet room and take my medicine, and hopefully the sleep will take care of it. Sometimes, if I catch it in time, it works. Level 4, and I HATE THESE, is where I need to go to the ER. I haven't been since October. Still trying to pay off and maneuver some of those bills. I hope writing this doesn't jinx me and bring a big one on. This week has been hard. I've pretty much woken up every morning with a migraine, and that makes me so sad. I just want my head to be "normal". I may never be "normal", but I just want the pain to go away. I've been reading a book for my New Testament class online, and there was a quote yesterday over 2 Corinthians that really hit home. "God can often use [us] in [our] weaknesses, including illness and poverty, better than He can in other situations... because we remain more visibly dependent on Him" -Craig Blomberg I needed to be reminded of that yesterday. Thanks for continuing to follow along on my progress! :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Monday, February 14, 2011
Frustrated
I'm just a little ticked off this morning. I'm GRATEFUL for my amazing recovery, but my brain is still disabled. I hate to admit that, but it's true. I've had MULTIPLE people who knew me earlier in life mention that they can't tell a difference in me or how I relate or interact with the world. It's there. Subconsciously, I keep people at a distance because I'm not sure who I can trust. "Are you just going to be another person who will hurt me?" A cognitive disability, even though I look "fine" on the outside, is almost worse. There's not a "flag to tell people "there might be someone who you need to talk slower with, be more careful with, that can't do all that she was doing before the before the stroke... Not that I want you to patronize me or talk down to me like I'm stupid, but I just can't take information in the way that I use to. All that I was doing before the stroke wasn't healthy either and I realize that now. It took having a stroke to really find myself, once and for all. I realize that will be an ever evolving process, and I'm terrified to share it with another person. Things seem so easy... just take the bus or arrange a ride when you need to go someplace. A guy in my community got to see what a grocery trip with me on the bus is like the other day. We left around 1:45 and got back from the store at 4:45. It's like an extreme sport. Pushing your way through crowds for what you want, and waiting for a long time to get your bus even if it shows up and if not, walking home... I think we walked at least 2.5 miles that day at least.
Reading. This week I have EIGHT chapters just in one class, but a chapter and a lecture in the other class, and I'm supposed to be preparing this intense paper called an IBS- an research paper where you're supposed to pick out key Biblical passages and do cultural studies, word studies, and get to know the passage and be able to explain your paper with sound Biblical supports, and study for an COMPS (our comprehensive exam testing us over all that we've learned in the 2+ years here. ALl my classmates are "reviewing", while I'm relearning. It pretty much SUCKS!) My Neurologist had said a couple of week ago to keep my stress levels down, and I wanted to laugh in her face. My last semester of graduate school, assignments and readings up the hoohoo to the point where I can't even read for fun, and I'm supposed to decrease my stress? What else can I cut out of my life? And my dad has the audacity to ask if I've sent out resumes yet? I don't even have time to pee, let alone look for jobs and apply for them... Love you very much and that's one of the main reasons I'm moving back to the Midwest (If you've been to Colorado, you know what I'm sacrificing...), But I feel like I've heard that itch and I need new start. So just because I look "normal" doesn't mean that I am. What takes you an hour to read takes me three. Add up the EIGHT chapters I have to read for one class, followed by the one and a lecture and studying for COMPS in two weeks, and preparing things for the IBS... yeah, I want to vomit. The math just simply DOESN'T work out. Not even for an "able-bodied person. I need about 9 hours of sleep to function each night or could trigger a migraine which doesn't add up at all. I got started on Anxiety pills last week to help me focus while trying to study, and hopefully they will. I just need understanding from other important people in my life that I just want to live a "normal life" now with a TBI. My passions have changed a bit. I've overcome HUGE obstacles and have no idea what's next. So give me some grace and back off. I'm trying the HARDEST I can right now. There is really nothing else I can cut out. I'm living off the bare minimum here. I have no room to budge. If I did, I would probably use it. This is what you get with me right now. Like it or not, this is me, at my wits end, trying to survive, getting close to graduation (89 days), and each day trying to make it. This is the best I can do with what I have. So back off- I'm trying my hardest, and if that's still not good enough, not my problem. What takes an able-bodied person an hour to do takes me three. Multiply that by how many things I have to read coming up, and there is simply not enough hours in the day to do it all, even though I desperately wish that there was. I wish things were back to the way that they used to be. They won't be, not matter how many people are thinking positively for me.
This is who I am now, take it or leave it. I'm happy with the new me, and it took having a severe stroke to find the me that was in there all along. Now I have a voice, I can speak my not-always PC mind. I question. My glass is ALL full, of the good and the bad. That upsets some of the very important people in my life, and I get it. I have new passions. Not that I'm not passionate about the injustices of this world, but I have new passions. Medical anomalies who have been told by the medical community over and over "we don't know what's wrong with you". That breaks my heart because I've been there myself, and I'm still there. That's an injustice, here in America. It shouldn't have to be that way at all. I think God is firing up a new and holy passion to be a voice for those who don't have one. No idea what that look like yet, but I know it's going to be big. Bigger than me, so that' how I know it's God and not some funny taco I ate yesterday. And that's what I'm thinking right now. Love you all, but am going to need some time to just sort things out in my life. Prayers, kinds words, and help with these assignments appreciated, along with money to pay for these incoming medical bills that I have no idea who to pay. Still praying for a miracle, but instead, playing the part of the ostrich and pretending its not happening, So far it's not working too well. Love you all very much. Pray for February 26, the day of COMPS. It's going to have to be all Jesus... I know I can;t do this on my own at all.
Love, Amy Christine
Reading. This week I have EIGHT chapters just in one class, but a chapter and a lecture in the other class, and I'm supposed to be preparing this intense paper called an IBS- an research paper where you're supposed to pick out key Biblical passages and do cultural studies, word studies, and get to know the passage and be able to explain your paper with sound Biblical supports, and study for an COMPS (our comprehensive exam testing us over all that we've learned in the 2+ years here. ALl my classmates are "reviewing", while I'm relearning. It pretty much SUCKS!) My Neurologist had said a couple of week ago to keep my stress levels down, and I wanted to laugh in her face. My last semester of graduate school, assignments and readings up the hoohoo to the point where I can't even read for fun, and I'm supposed to decrease my stress? What else can I cut out of my life? And my dad has the audacity to ask if I've sent out resumes yet? I don't even have time to pee, let alone look for jobs and apply for them... Love you very much and that's one of the main reasons I'm moving back to the Midwest (If you've been to Colorado, you know what I'm sacrificing...), But I feel like I've heard that itch and I need new start. So just because I look "normal" doesn't mean that I am. What takes you an hour to read takes me three. Add up the EIGHT chapters I have to read for one class, followed by the one and a lecture and studying for COMPS in two weeks, and preparing things for the IBS... yeah, I want to vomit. The math just simply DOESN'T work out. Not even for an "able-bodied person. I need about 9 hours of sleep to function each night or could trigger a migraine which doesn't add up at all. I got started on Anxiety pills last week to help me focus while trying to study, and hopefully they will. I just need understanding from other important people in my life that I just want to live a "normal life" now with a TBI. My passions have changed a bit. I've overcome HUGE obstacles and have no idea what's next. So give me some grace and back off. I'm trying the HARDEST I can right now. There is really nothing else I can cut out. I'm living off the bare minimum here. I have no room to budge. If I did, I would probably use it. This is what you get with me right now. Like it or not, this is me, at my wits end, trying to survive, getting close to graduation (89 days), and each day trying to make it. This is the best I can do with what I have. So back off- I'm trying my hardest, and if that's still not good enough, not my problem. What takes an able-bodied person an hour to do takes me three. Multiply that by how many things I have to read coming up, and there is simply not enough hours in the day to do it all, even though I desperately wish that there was. I wish things were back to the way that they used to be. They won't be, not matter how many people are thinking positively for me.
This is who I am now, take it or leave it. I'm happy with the new me, and it took having a severe stroke to find the me that was in there all along. Now I have a voice, I can speak my not-always PC mind. I question. My glass is ALL full, of the good and the bad. That upsets some of the very important people in my life, and I get it. I have new passions. Not that I'm not passionate about the injustices of this world, but I have new passions. Medical anomalies who have been told by the medical community over and over "we don't know what's wrong with you". That breaks my heart because I've been there myself, and I'm still there. That's an injustice, here in America. It shouldn't have to be that way at all. I think God is firing up a new and holy passion to be a voice for those who don't have one. No idea what that look like yet, but I know it's going to be big. Bigger than me, so that' how I know it's God and not some funny taco I ate yesterday. And that's what I'm thinking right now. Love you all, but am going to need some time to just sort things out in my life. Prayers, kinds words, and help with these assignments appreciated, along with money to pay for these incoming medical bills that I have no idea who to pay. Still praying for a miracle, but instead, playing the part of the ostrich and pretending its not happening, So far it's not working too well. Love you all very much. Pray for February 26, the day of COMPS. It's going to have to be all Jesus... I know I can;t do this on my own at all.
Love, Amy Christine
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Dreaming, COMPS stress, and Seminary testimony
I went out with my bestie, talked about her on here a lot, Tara Swanson. Pretty much, I get to dream when I'm with her. Hate not living in the same house anymore, but we make it a point to see each other at least once a week because we have a class together this semester. She's going to be a fabulous counselor when she's done with school because she's patient, understanding, and asks REALLY good questions. She's extremely insightful, and I believe that she has a gift of prophecy. She must get special insights from God. Just praying that what she says does come to pass some day ;) Anyway, tonight she asked me several really good questions. One of my favorite was when were talking about what life might look like if/when I move back to Indianapolis. I prefaced that with saying that since the stroke, I hold things a lot looser and more tentative, not wanting to say anything in an "affirmative" as if I'm banking on it. You learn to do that when you've almost died twice within 2 years. Things are still "well, I'd like this kind of job..." or "I'll be looking for this possibly". We're now thinking about some-sort of non-profit like the Ronald McDonald House... getting to be with aching families during crisis. I'm not afraid of strong emotions or grief... I've been there myself over and over, so I get it. I'm not afraid of the questions, because I've asked them myself, and somehow emerged with Hope without any of the medical answers to the whys.
Also, talked with my neurologist on Friday, and she said the best way to remove the possibility of another seizure in your life is to remove stresses from your life. Right. In a perfect world... I have 94 days until I walk at graduation, and 17 until COMPS (our comprehensive exam to finish the program at the Seminary). While my classmates are stressing to review 2+ years of information, I'm stressing to LEARN it. 3 years worth of information that I don't remember, and I get to learn it pretty much for the first time again. In 17 days. And staying on top of my daily assignments for these two classes that I have quizzes over each week. Right. Stress? right :) This is going to have to be Jesus. It's WAY bigger than me, and that's how I know that He's asking me to do it. It's way bigger than me alone. He asked me to go back and complete this degree, so He's going to have to equip me for the exam too. I met with my student adviser today, and she put some of my anxieties at ease after meeting and talking through my options. She said "Worst case scenario, you take it, fail, and have to take it again in the fall, but you'll be more prepared for it and know what to expect that time"
The Seminary approached me (Admissions) and asked if they could a sort-of documentary piece on my story of recovery for marketing. I was told I would never go back to school and was back within 6 months. My recovery and rehab are anything from typical or expected. I've defied all the odds, and it's all due to Jesus. I shouldn't still be here. I certainly shouldn't be about to finish my master's in counseling. They want some sort of piece on me sharing my story of being half-way through my degree, plagued with migraines for 8 years, and then having the stroke and now the seizure, and having no medical explanation for any of it. I'm a medical anomaly, and I've accepted that I'm probably not going to get any medical answers any time soon. I've had to overcome so many obstacles, and it's been an uphill battle just for everyday tasks to get basic decency and "normality" back... but to be about to finish this extremely intense program with a TBI... I realize it's been a huge fight, and just the masters aspect in and of itself is a big deal. I just need to tell myself that for the next 94 days. After completing school I think I want to write a book about my story of recovery and take some time to enjoy this beautiful state that I live in right now. I really haven't done that since I moved here in 2005. My housemates and I have started a "bucket-list" of things I want to do while I'm still here but before I move back to the midwest. It's going to be a bitter-sweet goodbye, but I need to be thinking about studying until I can really think about that. And here's to COMPS! I take the exam the 26th, and should know by mid-march if I passed or failed. Results to be announced on a blog near you in a few weeks;)
Love, Amy Christine
Also, talked with my neurologist on Friday, and she said the best way to remove the possibility of another seizure in your life is to remove stresses from your life. Right. In a perfect world... I have 94 days until I walk at graduation, and 17 until COMPS (our comprehensive exam to finish the program at the Seminary). While my classmates are stressing to review 2+ years of information, I'm stressing to LEARN it. 3 years worth of information that I don't remember, and I get to learn it pretty much for the first time again. In 17 days. And staying on top of my daily assignments for these two classes that I have quizzes over each week. Right. Stress? right :) This is going to have to be Jesus. It's WAY bigger than me, and that's how I know that He's asking me to do it. It's way bigger than me alone. He asked me to go back and complete this degree, so He's going to have to equip me for the exam too. I met with my student adviser today, and she put some of my anxieties at ease after meeting and talking through my options. She said "Worst case scenario, you take it, fail, and have to take it again in the fall, but you'll be more prepared for it and know what to expect that time"
The Seminary approached me (Admissions) and asked if they could a sort-of documentary piece on my story of recovery for marketing. I was told I would never go back to school and was back within 6 months. My recovery and rehab are anything from typical or expected. I've defied all the odds, and it's all due to Jesus. I shouldn't still be here. I certainly shouldn't be about to finish my master's in counseling. They want some sort of piece on me sharing my story of being half-way through my degree, plagued with migraines for 8 years, and then having the stroke and now the seizure, and having no medical explanation for any of it. I'm a medical anomaly, and I've accepted that I'm probably not going to get any medical answers any time soon. I've had to overcome so many obstacles, and it's been an uphill battle just for everyday tasks to get basic decency and "normality" back... but to be about to finish this extremely intense program with a TBI... I realize it's been a huge fight, and just the masters aspect in and of itself is a big deal. I just need to tell myself that for the next 94 days. After completing school I think I want to write a book about my story of recovery and take some time to enjoy this beautiful state that I live in right now. I really haven't done that since I moved here in 2005. My housemates and I have started a "bucket-list" of things I want to do while I'm still here but before I move back to the midwest. It's going to be a bitter-sweet goodbye, but I need to be thinking about studying until I can really think about that. And here's to COMPS! I take the exam the 26th, and should know by mid-march if I passed or failed. Results to be announced on a blog near you in a few weeks;)
Love, Amy Christine
Friday, February 4, 2011
Thoughts while cleaning
I was cleaning for the Atherton's today (one of the frequent places God talks to me) and it dawned on me... I have literally been through hell and back in the last 2 years. I'm no longer PC or filtered, and maybe I never was. Many people around me don't know how to bring it up so they think if they just don't mention it all, then we'll just gloss over the uncomfortablity of the moment by just not saying anything, and we ignore what occurred on Feb. 25, 2009. I'm OK with it and I can appreciate talking about it because I know that He was in control even then. My world was rocked. My theology was shaken. All that I knew and stood for was tested. I easily could have thrown in the towel and just said "Screw it". Where was God on that day? Why a stroke for me? Now seizures on top of the Migraines too? WHY? If He's Sovereign, then why not stop the pain from His children? I have a 100 more questions now. I've been through 2 deep depressions, cursed God and held Him responsible, had countless doctors appointments and multiple calls with insurances, tried way too many medications for everything that resulted from the stroke, and many friends and family have given me the advice that Job's friends offered him centuries ago- there's obviously something in your life that He's trying to fix, so curse God and move on.
Even when I was in the hospital, I would tell my family and friends that there had to be a purpose for what happened. That was a lot easier to believe when I thought I was going to get a medical explanation for what has forever changed my life and how I view the world. Yes, life would be a WHOLE lot simpler if it had never happened at all. I could still read as fast as I used to (I'm at least 3x slower now and have LOT'S more reading to do, so that's fun!), would probably be in a third world country doing work with girls that had been trafficked in the sex-slave trade, already completed my master's in counseling, would still have my license to drive, wouldn't be in medical debt... But I wouldn't have seen his vivid faithfulness when I'm beyond at the end of my rope and provisions when I didn't know how something was going to come through. He brought me into this amazing community of believers at the Downing House who have taught me so much about faith, hope, community, Jesus, depending on others and not being so stubbornly independent, trust... The list goes on. I have a lot to be thankful for amidst the crap of daily living with a TBI now. The blessings don't cancel out the crap unfortunately though.
I realize that all I have been given from the stroke is a gift, even the crappy stroke and all that it took from me. My recovery isn't due to amazing therapists (which I had many too!), "positive thinking", my stubborn-ness of not accepting the status quo or what the doctors were saying I would be able to get back, meditations, my hard work, encouragement and support (which I had plenty of thankfully!)... it was all because of Jesus. I'm a walking miracle. For my friends who don't believe yet, they can't explain my recovery at all. Neither can the medical community. 100's of tests, 1000's of dollars, and searches for answers, and nothing yet. I get to be a phenomenon that modern western medicine can't explain at all. I know the reason though, and not at all in a prideful way. He did this in me to bring glory to himself. I can be mad all I want. I can question or ask the why's, but I haven't gotten any answers to those things yet at all. He did this in my life to draw me closer to himself, experience Him in new ways, and be used to tell other people about Him. That's all I have ever wanted anyway... to be used by Him somehow. So it looks a little different after the last few years of trials and all that I thought I knew. School was delayed by a year, but doctors never thought I would go back again to graduate school. I'm going to use the degree in a totally different way now, and I'm OK with that. I've been privileged to meet and encourage so many already. And I feel like that is going to continue in my story somehow. Again, the details aren't clear yet, but I'm becoming more and more OK with the ambiguity of the unknowns. Again, something else that can only be attributed to Him. So maybe a book of my journey once I'm done with school in May. Who knows at this point. I'm afraid to make too many plans because I had no idea that migraine on 2/25/09 was going to change my life this way either. I guess when we get honest, we have no securities and we aren't promised anything but He will be with us regardless of what we go through, huh?
Love,
Amy Christine
Even when I was in the hospital, I would tell my family and friends that there had to be a purpose for what happened. That was a lot easier to believe when I thought I was going to get a medical explanation for what has forever changed my life and how I view the world. Yes, life would be a WHOLE lot simpler if it had never happened at all. I could still read as fast as I used to (I'm at least 3x slower now and have LOT'S more reading to do, so that's fun!), would probably be in a third world country doing work with girls that had been trafficked in the sex-slave trade, already completed my master's in counseling, would still have my license to drive, wouldn't be in medical debt... But I wouldn't have seen his vivid faithfulness when I'm beyond at the end of my rope and provisions when I didn't know how something was going to come through. He brought me into this amazing community of believers at the Downing House who have taught me so much about faith, hope, community, Jesus, depending on others and not being so stubbornly independent, trust... The list goes on. I have a lot to be thankful for amidst the crap of daily living with a TBI now. The blessings don't cancel out the crap unfortunately though.
I realize that all I have been given from the stroke is a gift, even the crappy stroke and all that it took from me. My recovery isn't due to amazing therapists (which I had many too!), "positive thinking", my stubborn-ness of not accepting the status quo or what the doctors were saying I would be able to get back, meditations, my hard work, encouragement and support (which I had plenty of thankfully!)... it was all because of Jesus. I'm a walking miracle. For my friends who don't believe yet, they can't explain my recovery at all. Neither can the medical community. 100's of tests, 1000's of dollars, and searches for answers, and nothing yet. I get to be a phenomenon that modern western medicine can't explain at all. I know the reason though, and not at all in a prideful way. He did this in me to bring glory to himself. I can be mad all I want. I can question or ask the why's, but I haven't gotten any answers to those things yet at all. He did this in my life to draw me closer to himself, experience Him in new ways, and be used to tell other people about Him. That's all I have ever wanted anyway... to be used by Him somehow. So it looks a little different after the last few years of trials and all that I thought I knew. School was delayed by a year, but doctors never thought I would go back again to graduate school. I'm going to use the degree in a totally different way now, and I'm OK with that. I've been privileged to meet and encourage so many already. And I feel like that is going to continue in my story somehow. Again, the details aren't clear yet, but I'm becoming more and more OK with the ambiguity of the unknowns. Again, something else that can only be attributed to Him. So maybe a book of my journey once I'm done with school in May. Who knows at this point. I'm afraid to make too many plans because I had no idea that migraine on 2/25/09 was going to change my life this way either. I guess when we get honest, we have no securities and we aren't promised anything but He will be with us regardless of what we go through, huh?
Love,
Amy Christine
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Only School
So it seems that God is trying to get me to just focus on school right now. I don't use my drivers license since the seizure, and probably won't be able to do so until April at the soonest. I only have one class on Campus this semester. Today was my last day at group supervision for my internship, so today was my last "required" day for Alternatives. They have been SO GRACIOUS to me to not come in anymore and just take care of me and my health. Hate it since I have just gotten comfortable with crisis counseling, but know that it is for the best right now too.
From today until Graduation May 14th, I have 100 days. I'm keeping "visible" track, so I can stay focused since I've had "senioritis" since May of last year when I was "supposed" to be done in the original plan when I started graduate school. So no more internship. No driving and having to beg for rides everywhere or having other people pick things up when they are out. God has pretty much eliminated everything from my life but school. I know what I'll be doing for the next 100 days. Books, books, and more books. You would think this would make me a disciplined student, but NO. I've been rebelling big time. REALLY good at procrastination. My friend Blake here in our community says that we would be PhD's if Procrastination was a subject you could study. So what do I do with all of this time that I should be studying? Watch Hulu, of course ;) Getting caught up with my TV boyfriend, Chuck. That's going to help me pass COMPS on the 26th of this month! Freaking out about that test and pretending it's not coming by playing the part of an ostrich... if I just hide my head in the sand, maybe it'll just go away? Probably not, but a girl can hope, right? This would be a great time for Jesus to come back... just saying!
Love,
Amy Christine
From today until Graduation May 14th, I have 100 days. I'm keeping "visible" track, so I can stay focused since I've had "senioritis" since May of last year when I was "supposed" to be done in the original plan when I started graduate school. So no more internship. No driving and having to beg for rides everywhere or having other people pick things up when they are out. God has pretty much eliminated everything from my life but school. I know what I'll be doing for the next 100 days. Books, books, and more books. You would think this would make me a disciplined student, but NO. I've been rebelling big time. REALLY good at procrastination. My friend Blake here in our community says that we would be PhD's if Procrastination was a subject you could study. So what do I do with all of this time that I should be studying? Watch Hulu, of course ;) Getting caught up with my TV boyfriend, Chuck. That's going to help me pass COMPS on the 26th of this month! Freaking out about that test and pretending it's not coming by playing the part of an ostrich... if I just hide my head in the sand, maybe it'll just go away? Probably not, but a girl can hope, right? This would be a great time for Jesus to come back... just saying!
Love,
Amy Christine
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