I was cleaning for the Atherton's today (one of the frequent places God talks to me) and it dawned on me... I have literally been through hell and back in the last 2 years. I'm no longer PC or filtered, and maybe I never was. Many people around me don't know how to bring it up so they think if they just don't mention it all, then we'll just gloss over the uncomfortablity of the moment by just not saying anything, and we ignore what occurred on Feb. 25, 2009. I'm OK with it and I can appreciate talking about it because I know that He was in control even then. My world was rocked. My theology was shaken. All that I knew and stood for was tested. I easily could have thrown in the towel and just said "Screw it". Where was God on that day? Why a stroke for me? Now seizures on top of the Migraines too? WHY? If He's Sovereign, then why not stop the pain from His children? I have a 100 more questions now. I've been through 2 deep depressions, cursed God and held Him responsible, had countless doctors appointments and multiple calls with insurances, tried way too many medications for everything that resulted from the stroke, and many friends and family have given me the advice that Job's friends offered him centuries ago- there's obviously something in your life that He's trying to fix, so curse God and move on.
Even when I was in the hospital, I would tell my family and friends that there had to be a purpose for what happened. That was a lot easier to believe when I thought I was going to get a medical explanation for what has forever changed my life and how I view the world. Yes, life would be a WHOLE lot simpler if it had never happened at all. I could still read as fast as I used to (I'm at least 3x slower now and have LOT'S more reading to do, so that's fun!), would probably be in a third world country doing work with girls that had been trafficked in the sex-slave trade, already completed my master's in counseling, would still have my license to drive, wouldn't be in medical debt... But I wouldn't have seen his vivid faithfulness when I'm beyond at the end of my rope and provisions when I didn't know how something was going to come through. He brought me into this amazing community of believers at the Downing House who have taught me so much about faith, hope, community, Jesus, depending on others and not being so stubbornly independent, trust... The list goes on. I have a lot to be thankful for amidst the crap of daily living with a TBI now. The blessings don't cancel out the crap unfortunately though.
I realize that all I have been given from the stroke is a gift, even the crappy stroke and all that it took from me. My recovery isn't due to amazing therapists (which I had many too!), "positive thinking", my stubborn-ness of not accepting the status quo or what the doctors were saying I would be able to get back, meditations, my hard work, encouragement and support (which I had plenty of thankfully!)... it was all because of Jesus. I'm a walking miracle. For my friends who don't believe yet, they can't explain my recovery at all. Neither can the medical community. 100's of tests, 1000's of dollars, and searches for answers, and nothing yet. I get to be a phenomenon that modern western medicine can't explain at all. I know the reason though, and not at all in a prideful way. He did this in me to bring glory to himself. I can be mad all I want. I can question or ask the why's, but I haven't gotten any answers to those things yet at all. He did this in my life to draw me closer to himself, experience Him in new ways, and be used to tell other people about Him. That's all I have ever wanted anyway... to be used by Him somehow. So it looks a little different after the last few years of trials and all that I thought I knew. School was delayed by a year, but doctors never thought I would go back again to graduate school. I'm going to use the degree in a totally different way now, and I'm OK with that. I've been privileged to meet and encourage so many already. And I feel like that is going to continue in my story somehow. Again, the details aren't clear yet, but I'm becoming more and more OK with the ambiguity of the unknowns. Again, something else that can only be attributed to Him. So maybe a book of my journey once I'm done with school in May. Who knows at this point. I'm afraid to make too many plans because I had no idea that migraine on 2/25/09 was going to change my life this way either. I guess when we get honest, we have no securities and we aren't promised anything but He will be with us regardless of what we go through, huh?
Love,
Amy Christine
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