Comparision

Comparison is an ugly game, when I compare myself to others and to what I used to be capable of. I hate it. It's ugly. When I study or work in the library, it honestly sickens me to see people "Welp, that's done" when I haven't even STARTED the assignment. 1) It's probably not going to be nearly as good as theirs and 2) It makes me realize how far I've come from the stroke, and how far I have yet to go. That saddens me. There are so many things that I'm missing out on because I don't have the time or the energy anymore to keep up in the rat race, and I don't know that I want to either. I've defied all the odds. I get that. I shouldn't have even gone back to graduate school, and yet, here I am, studying day and night, losing sleep and having people I love write my flash cards and such just because that ONE more thing I don't have time to do. What would take an "able-bodied" person an hour to read takes me three. I can't make excuses about that. It's just the way it is. It's something I have to accept. I'm not who I once was, and I don't think I would want the old Amy back anyway. The friendships and relationships I lost because of the even show me the were not as close as I thought they were, and that's ok. My family doesn't bring up the stroke or the seizure, I'm assuming because they think it might make me angry or offend me somehow. I'm ok talking about it. It's one more testimony to what He has done in my life.

This week for my Professional Orientation class (Counseling Ethics) we had to read about multi-cultural counseling. Last spring I took our Social/Cultural counseling class, and had to come to terms that now I'm "disabled", even if that handicap is something you can't "see" with your naked eye necessarily. I'm cognitively disabled, and it's almost worse that way because people don't realize that they have to talk a little bit slower, or when a migraine is coming on, that the littlest things can set it off: smells, sounds, foods, movements... you name it, when I'm in that place, anything can push me over the edge of no return. As I was reading for this week, although our social/cultural book mentioned working with disabilities at least 100 times, our ethics book only mentioned it but went no further. I was offended. People with disabilities, even learning disabilities to handicaps requiring a wheelchair or something more extreme, was never mentioned in our ethics book. How are we supposed to treat people ethically if IT'S NEVER EVEN MENTIONED. 10 pages on working with people of another sexual orientation, which is going to be very important too, but NOTHING on handicaps. I think that's a shame. Honestly, we're going to come into contact with far more people with disabilities than gender identity issues probably. But don't tell us how to handle that, surely we'll figure it out, right? And these are the things I'm thinking about before class on Wednesday. I'll probably post again on my anxiety about COMPS on Saturday morning! I just have to keep reminding myself that all the people who graduated before me or took the COMPS before me think that I'll do great, so I'm believing in their belief in me. And I have anxiety pills too :)
Amy Christine