God as we "determine"

It's become very to clear to over the past several days and weeks in taking to people that it's really easy to follow after a god that we design. How can that be hard? He doesn't really ask us to do hard things or challenge us in any sort of way, because, after all, we created him. We can add in some New-Age ideas, or Oprah, or Dr. Phil, or whoever is convenient at the time. Not that those are bad people by any means, but taken as gospel truth... well, that's where things get sort of funny. We might even call him "Jesus", because Christianity or going to church is what our friends do, and we wouldn't want to do something that they are doing or rock the boat, right? I think before the stroke, the "god" that I had created for myself was still Jesus, but a convenient Jesus. Almost like a vending machine. He would give me what I wanted, because after all, I had twisted the truth to fit my liking. "Pre-Stroke God" was something I had twisted and made up, full of half-truths that were convenient for me. He could be full of compassion or Mercy, we could even paste a few bible verses on him to make it "seem" like we knew what we were talking about (I was in "Seminary" after all, right?) but that's not the point and it wasn't true of HIM either. Following after him wasn't hard though, I really believe that I moved out to Denver and had clearly heard his true voice when I was in Africa or even starting Seminary, but somewhere along the line, I felt "entitled" to things. Like I had "earned" it.

It ROCKED my world to have a Sovereign God stand by and watch the stroke take place in my life. It has shattered my theology. It's taken two years to rebuild that, and I don't think I will ever be fully done here on Earth with answers to those questions. I don't think I even want them. Yes, they would be nice, but I don't need them. I'm holding the "Yes, you're a stroke survivor" in tension with "I was there, watching, and will use even this, I'm big enough" with "I'm still good and GOD". That shakes a person up.

One of my great friends Meg said the other day "You tend to bring conversations back to your stoke". Yes, I do. It was an important event for me. I'm different now. I see the world through "stroke-colored" glasses. I'll never again be the Amy pre-February 25, 2009. It's rocked my world and changed how I relate with the world around me. I'm a stroke survivor. Yes, I have LOT'S of baggage now (Doctors appointments, pills, medical debts, loss of memory), but from the outside looking in, you wouldn't see any of that really. It took having a STROKE for me to enjoy being by myself and come to terms with ME. And I don't think I would even want pre-stroke Amy or that God back now either. Even though it's WAY more difficult now, I like me. And I'm CHOOSING to follow the real God. The one who requires ALL of me. Not letting me twist His sayings into half-truths or pervert ministry with those ideas. It's been hard work. But it is (and will continue to be) worth it. Thank you for shaking me from my half-truths of what I was trying to consider you as my god. Thank you for seeing me as worthy enough to be used in your kingdom to tell others about THE REAL you and stripping me of those false beliefs. You are the only one I will worship.
Love,
Amy Christine