smaller support

When I first had the stroke, there was support from literally all over the world. Notes, cards, wall-posts with prayers, people following my story from every where. Now, two years out, it's much different. Maybe it's because I look "better" so people assume that "she must not need the support any longer". But I do. Yes, I'm living in an incredible community of Christians who have been AWESOME to me right now, but have only known me post-stroke. People who knew me from before the stroke either never answer their phone, have gotten married or had babies, have moved away, or moved on with their lives. And I don't blame them at all. The stroke was two years ago, talking about something that serious makes many Americans uncomfortable, so maybe I should "just get over it" and move on.

I'm different now though. I like this "new Amy", she moves much slower, can't do as much, is much more realistic, has a more balanced view of life, is almost done with graduate school (a feat in and of itself, especially when I consider that we were told by the medical community that I would never even go back to school). This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. Learning to re-walk, swallow and talk seem much easy now in comparison. Feeling like I have 62 days of graduate school left and I'm pretty much having to do it alone... there are no words. It's lonely here. I'm almost done with Seminary but it's lonely. My "classmates" are mostly out of school already, so that's incredibly isolating and Satan loves to have a field day with that one. I've tried reaching out but all I hear are excuses. Fine. I'll take the bus alone and continue to try and to do this by myself, which is the only way I know how. Stubborn and alone. Maybe that's why I'm still single. I don't know how to accept help, from willing friends that want in to participate somehow, but that's the thing- I don't even now how right now if someone were to ask. Clean my room for me since I haven't had time this semester? Make convenient meals for me on the go all the time or pay some of my medical bills from the seizure that are going to leave me bankrupt? Take me places because the doctors don't trust me behind the wheel yet? Get the next 62 days and all it's work done for me (4 papers and 3 hard tests, plus one more re-do Comps section in 2 weeks?). I just want the next 62 days to go by quickly. Then I can move on to more fun things to do. Like hike, read for fun, shopping at thrift stores, paint and make cards, vacation with my family someplace warm, look for jobs in Indianapolis, train for a 5k here with some former barista friends from Starbucks, and watch a bunch of movies I've been keeping track of on our cupboards. Those are some of the things I'm looking forward to after May 14. Here goes a lot to get done between now and then!
Love, Amy Christine