I went to what was supposed to be my neurologist appointment today, and actually found out that when I had called and asked for something SOONER than April 6, the receptionist made the appointment for APRIL 28th. So I get to wait an entire extra month to drive. I've cried all day when I should be reading for my research paper due next Monday. I'm miffed. Really? How do you make a mistake like that? Earlier= several weeks LATER? In what world? A mistake? Really? How about YOU trading places with me then? So several more weeks of walking, waiting for my friends for rides, depending on them to pick stuff up for me at the store, and public transportation. So through the tears I'm going to read these articles for my research paper. Not loving life a lot right now, nor seeing the silver lining in this. And maybe I don't want to either. Maybe I just want to be mad. Yes, my neurologist called me back and I get to wean off one medication and up one and talk about coming off of a third at our next appointment (yes, I realize I am a pharmacy). So I'm just going to be ticked and eat a macaroon (my family is emotional eaters, what of it?) and try and comfort myself as I read these articles for this paper. Goal= have them read by Wednesday to start the rough draft then. A lot to do in the next few days. Go.
Love,
Amy Christine
Monday, March 28, 2011
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Damn the stroke
I bawled today at our library. Correction: I bawled in a stahl in the bathroom in the library because I didn't want everyone to see me getting all worked up over something like this. I don't remember how to exegete passages of scripture anymore. "What would you need to do for that anyway?" you might be asking. It's the first class you take at Seminary, to learn the original language the passage was written in (Hebrew, Greek, and sometimes Aramaic), other uses of the word, the circumstances for the writing (what's going on contextually for these people that the author is addressing it to them now, in this way...), etc. I have a paper due in two weeks from yesterday, on: Paul’s world was a community- and group-oriented collection of cultures, much more so than in our individualized modern Western world. Whether for formal counseling settings or just for healthy Christian relationships, what can we learn from Paul about how mature Christians interact with each other, both encouraging and holding one another accountable?
So, although it won't be as intense as some of the other students who aren't doing it over the psychology of Paul (because I'm a counseling student), I still need to know the other uses of the words, the historical/cultural context of the word here, etc. So I looked at 2 Corinthians 5:11-15, where Paul is telling the Corinthians that Christ's love compels us. I started looking things up in the lexicons, dictionaries, etc. and that's when I had my meltdown. I can remember many people from my past now (watched home videos over break and made the comment to my mom about a birthday party- "wasn't that Lindley? Didn't she move away soon after that?" Awesome feeling!). I can remember circumstances and some of my feelings then. My handwriting and math came back to me, and God Bless my parents for dealing with me for months going.... "Uh, um, yeah, no idea..." or my handwriting literally looking like a little kid. If it had been in crayon, it would have been even better. My spelling came back and typing skills, with the help of spell check :) My affect came back, very slowly, and after I got off the anti-depressant I was very much back to my 'Old Self"- waterfalls at almost everything. But the one thing to not come back- how to do this essential task for this &#$@ paper. I hate swearing about Scripture, but I think God understands. Yes, I could have started when the professor said I should have, but then I probably would have failed comps... so...
I'm a ball of emotions today. Got to see great and encouraging friends today and their precious 7 month old. Love Kaylee Mae. Then I went to the Library and started in on this mess. I think I have enough resources to at least read tonight and maybe start a different paper (I'm actually CHOOSING my ethics paper over this IBS. That's how much I'm looking forward to it!). So if anyone wants to volunteer their time and re-teach me how to do that background study on 2 Corinthians 5:11-15, Galatians 5:13-15, or 1 Corinthians 12:12-31... I'm all ears for the next two weeks. This too shall pass. Hate having to use that in the context of Seminary, but I'm right now it's not helping me grow at all, I'm just becoming cynical. Never thought this day would come but it has, and I hate it. 53 days. I just need to pass.
So, although it won't be as intense as some of the other students who aren't doing it over the psychology of Paul (because I'm a counseling student), I still need to know the other uses of the words, the historical/cultural context of the word here, etc. So I looked at 2 Corinthians 5:11-15, where Paul is telling the Corinthians that Christ's love compels us. I started looking things up in the lexicons, dictionaries, etc. and that's when I had my meltdown. I can remember many people from my past now (watched home videos over break and made the comment to my mom about a birthday party- "wasn't that Lindley? Didn't she move away soon after that?" Awesome feeling!). I can remember circumstances and some of my feelings then. My handwriting and math came back to me, and God Bless my parents for dealing with me for months going.... "Uh, um, yeah, no idea..." or my handwriting literally looking like a little kid. If it had been in crayon, it would have been even better. My spelling came back and typing skills, with the help of spell check :) My affect came back, very slowly, and after I got off the anti-depressant I was very much back to my 'Old Self"- waterfalls at almost everything. But the one thing to not come back- how to do this essential task for this &#$@ paper. I hate swearing about Scripture, but I think God understands. Yes, I could have started when the professor said I should have, but then I probably would have failed comps... so...
I'm a ball of emotions today. Got to see great and encouraging friends today and their precious 7 month old. Love Kaylee Mae. Then I went to the Library and started in on this mess. I think I have enough resources to at least read tonight and maybe start a different paper (I'm actually CHOOSING my ethics paper over this IBS. That's how much I'm looking forward to it!). So if anyone wants to volunteer their time and re-teach me how to do that background study on 2 Corinthians 5:11-15, Galatians 5:13-15, or 1 Corinthians 12:12-31... I'm all ears for the next two weeks. This too shall pass. Hate having to use that in the context of Seminary, but I'm right now it's not helping me grow at all, I'm just becoming cynical. Never thought this day would come but it has, and I hate it. 53 days. I just need to pass.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Temptation is like Fly Fishing
I went to The Pearl Church today (like most Sunday's now- even the Sunday that I had the seizure and God made the service go long and a nurse and surgeon be there and it was supposed to be my "last day"... I continue to see that God knows a lot more than I do! You would think after 30 years I would get it by now!). Anywhoo... Today, as we were going through James 1:13-15, apparently James was using fishing language to give the illustration about temptation and testing. Testing usually comes in the middle of a process... which just makes me want to yell- WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TEST ME IN RIGHT NOW? The last few years have been far from a picnic and I could certainly say it's been a process, one that I'm apparently not catching on to very quickly. The tests can come in the forms of sensuality, worldly pleasures, or fear, and I would say mine right now are fear based.
What will happen in Indianapolis? What happens in 55 days (54 in the morning) when school is done? All the "what-ifs" are driving me CRAZY, but I am trusting that there is a plan. A plan for me not driving now and getting to have quality time with my community and get to ride the bus more often, which on any given day may or may not be something I am looking forward to, usually the later. Pastor Doug said something really profound today (well, he does most Sundays, but today this stayed with me). "Its the Adamic Nature within us that tries to tempt us to run from His Destiny" I'm not (nor have I ever been) a "There's only one perfect soul mate out there for you" kind of person, or a "There is only one certain task that you're here for" and I know that God could and would use me in a variety of different places for different people. After the stroke, I WANT to work with other stroke survivors. I've never had "normal" callings... working with junior high kids, The "inner city", a third-world country to combat the sex-slave trade, and now stroke survivors. All of them make me realize I didn't make this up. It's not "normal". I get that. But the fear of the "what-ifs" is not going to get me this time. I won't let it. I've come too far and fought too hard to get back my mind, what's still left of my health, my not-so-graceful self... most of it is back. Each day is a reliance on Him because I literally can't do it on my own. I don't think we were ever meant to do it as such. I think that's a lie Satan has warped and made us believe that we could. In the name of Jesus I call that lie out for what it is. There is no longer any power with it then when you call it out into the light.
I don't know what the next 6 months or so are going to hold. I certainly didn't see the last 2 and its events coming either. So I have my Comps retake, then 2 massive papers (which I'll be spending quality time in the library reading for ethics and my IBS for NT if you want to come visit me!), but I will not be ruled by the fear of the what-ifs. Then 2 final exams and then I walk at Graduation. What a glorious day. 2.5 years after the doctors said I would never achieve this... and then I get my degree. Take that. I know He has this. None of this caught Him by surprise. There is a plan, even if most days I can't see any logical connections. Thanks for still following along with my rants, even if on most days it doesn't make much sense. 55 wake-ups to go. In the words of Hilary "Shoo... I got this."
Love,
Amy Christine
What will happen in Indianapolis? What happens in 55 days (54 in the morning) when school is done? All the "what-ifs" are driving me CRAZY, but I am trusting that there is a plan. A plan for me not driving now and getting to have quality time with my community and get to ride the bus more often, which on any given day may or may not be something I am looking forward to, usually the later. Pastor Doug said something really profound today (well, he does most Sundays, but today this stayed with me). "Its the Adamic Nature within us that tries to tempt us to run from His Destiny" I'm not (nor have I ever been) a "There's only one perfect soul mate out there for you" kind of person, or a "There is only one certain task that you're here for" and I know that God could and would use me in a variety of different places for different people. After the stroke, I WANT to work with other stroke survivors. I've never had "normal" callings... working with junior high kids, The "inner city", a third-world country to combat the sex-slave trade, and now stroke survivors. All of them make me realize I didn't make this up. It's not "normal". I get that. But the fear of the "what-ifs" is not going to get me this time. I won't let it. I've come too far and fought too hard to get back my mind, what's still left of my health, my not-so-graceful self... most of it is back. Each day is a reliance on Him because I literally can't do it on my own. I don't think we were ever meant to do it as such. I think that's a lie Satan has warped and made us believe that we could. In the name of Jesus I call that lie out for what it is. There is no longer any power with it then when you call it out into the light.
I don't know what the next 6 months or so are going to hold. I certainly didn't see the last 2 and its events coming either. So I have my Comps retake, then 2 massive papers (which I'll be spending quality time in the library reading for ethics and my IBS for NT if you want to come visit me!), but I will not be ruled by the fear of the what-ifs. Then 2 final exams and then I walk at Graduation. What a glorious day. 2.5 years after the doctors said I would never achieve this... and then I get my degree. Take that. I know He has this. None of this caught Him by surprise. There is a plan, even if most days I can't see any logical connections. Thanks for still following along with my rants, even if on most days it doesn't make much sense. 55 wake-ups to go. In the words of Hilary "Shoo... I got this."
Love,
Amy Christine
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Comps
For those of you who asked (and the many who prayed!) I PASSED Comps! I didn't pass one section, so I get to rewrite that on April 1, and find out how I did finally on April 15. Gosh, this last semester is full of anticipation and waiting! We'll know for sure in just a few weeks though!
smaller support
When I first had the stroke, there was support from literally all over the world. Notes, cards, wall-posts with prayers, people following my story from every where. Now, two years out, it's much different. Maybe it's because I look "better" so people assume that "she must not need the support any longer". But I do. Yes, I'm living in an incredible community of Christians who have been AWESOME to me right now, but have only known me post-stroke. People who knew me from before the stroke either never answer their phone, have gotten married or had babies, have moved away, or moved on with their lives. And I don't blame them at all. The stroke was two years ago, talking about something that serious makes many Americans uncomfortable, so maybe I should "just get over it" and move on.
I'm different now though. I like this "new Amy", she moves much slower, can't do as much, is much more realistic, has a more balanced view of life, is almost done with graduate school (a feat in and of itself, especially when I consider that we were told by the medical community that I would never even go back to school). This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. Learning to re-walk, swallow and talk seem much easy now in comparison. Feeling like I have 62 days of graduate school left and I'm pretty much having to do it alone... there are no words. It's lonely here. I'm almost done with Seminary but it's lonely. My "classmates" are mostly out of school already, so that's incredibly isolating and Satan loves to have a field day with that one. I've tried reaching out but all I hear are excuses. Fine. I'll take the bus alone and continue to try and to do this by myself, which is the only way I know how. Stubborn and alone. Maybe that's why I'm still single. I don't know how to accept help, from willing friends that want in to participate somehow, but that's the thing- I don't even now how right now if someone were to ask. Clean my room for me since I haven't had time this semester? Make convenient meals for me on the go all the time or pay some of my medical bills from the seizure that are going to leave me bankrupt? Take me places because the doctors don't trust me behind the wheel yet? Get the next 62 days and all it's work done for me (4 papers and 3 hard tests, plus one more re-do Comps section in 2 weeks?). I just want the next 62 days to go by quickly. Then I can move on to more fun things to do. Like hike, read for fun, shopping at thrift stores, paint and make cards, vacation with my family someplace warm, look for jobs in Indianapolis, train for a 5k here with some former barista friends from Starbucks, and watch a bunch of movies I've been keeping track of on our cupboards. Those are some of the things I'm looking forward to after May 14. Here goes a lot to get done between now and then!
Love, Amy Christine
I'm different now though. I like this "new Amy", she moves much slower, can't do as much, is much more realistic, has a more balanced view of life, is almost done with graduate school (a feat in and of itself, especially when I consider that we were told by the medical community that I would never even go back to school). This is by far the hardest thing I've ever done. Learning to re-walk, swallow and talk seem much easy now in comparison. Feeling like I have 62 days of graduate school left and I'm pretty much having to do it alone... there are no words. It's lonely here. I'm almost done with Seminary but it's lonely. My "classmates" are mostly out of school already, so that's incredibly isolating and Satan loves to have a field day with that one. I've tried reaching out but all I hear are excuses. Fine. I'll take the bus alone and continue to try and to do this by myself, which is the only way I know how. Stubborn and alone. Maybe that's why I'm still single. I don't know how to accept help, from willing friends that want in to participate somehow, but that's the thing- I don't even now how right now if someone were to ask. Clean my room for me since I haven't had time this semester? Make convenient meals for me on the go all the time or pay some of my medical bills from the seizure that are going to leave me bankrupt? Take me places because the doctors don't trust me behind the wheel yet? Get the next 62 days and all it's work done for me (4 papers and 3 hard tests, plus one more re-do Comps section in 2 weeks?). I just want the next 62 days to go by quickly. Then I can move on to more fun things to do. Like hike, read for fun, shopping at thrift stores, paint and make cards, vacation with my family someplace warm, look for jobs in Indianapolis, train for a 5k here with some former barista friends from Starbucks, and watch a bunch of movies I've been keeping track of on our cupboards. Those are some of the things I'm looking forward to after May 14. Here goes a lot to get done between now and then!
Love, Amy Christine
Friday, March 11, 2011
Red Tape
Red Tape. It's been MY LIFE for the past two years. Any time I call some place they tell me "No, you actually need to talk to Shana over in Department X" and then you talk to Shana, and she tells you "No, it was actually the first department you talked with that could have handled this, but I can take care of it for you" I'm sure this happens to A LOT of people without traumatic brain injuries, but it's just become more and more aggravating to me post-TBI. I have memory issues people. Most days I can't remember what I ate for breakfast. And now you want me to remember to call person X on X day at such and such a time to deal with something I DIDN'T EVEN CAUSE! Awesome.
Today I got a letter in the mail (Yes, paperwork, oh, my best friend) asking me to prove what I did from January 2010 to December 2010. I WAS IN GRADUATE SCHOOL PEOPLE, and it'd be A LOT easier to complete my LAST semester if I didn't have to continue to fill out paperwork. Honestly. Who does the government think I am? I know you're paying for my tuition and all, but if this is the price, I don't know if I'm down for that if this is what it is going to cost me anymore. Especially since your jumble of legalese makes it sound like I could loose my firstborn if I check the wrong box. And my "Guardian" lives 2,000 miles away. And my counselor at the hospital I was at only works part-time, and all the other one's have retired, left, or never been replaced. Way to leave me hanging. So here I sit, in my room, bawling my eyes out, thinking about everything they could possibly come after. I just want to finish graduate school people. Is that so much to ask? 64 days and I'll be done. This weekend I find out if I passed COMPS (Dear Jesus, after everything I've been through in the last two years, please have mercy on me and pass me please!), and then I should have 64 days left of graduate school. Dear God, if I've had to deal with a stroke, migraines, and a seizure, please just get me out of graduate school now. When I think about what the government must be thinking when they send these letters out to people, it just seems asinine to ask someone IN SCHOOL to fill out more paperwork. Really? That's the best use of our tax payer's money and my time? Really?
So this weekend I find out how I did on my comprehensive exams. I've had A LOT of people praying for me, and a strange peace that no matter what happens, He's going to be with me even as He has in the past two years. Amen. That freaks me out a little, but my family mentioned a family vacation for the 5 of us to someplace WARM and it must include water. That was Kelli (my little sister) and I's requirements. So options are being thrown out and we'll see. For right now, I need to finish my NT assignment for the week, take a quiz for the class, and start on a paper. Just the ideal Friday night, right? ;)
Love,
Amy Christine
Today I got a letter in the mail (Yes, paperwork, oh, my best friend) asking me to prove what I did from January 2010 to December 2010. I WAS IN GRADUATE SCHOOL PEOPLE, and it'd be A LOT easier to complete my LAST semester if I didn't have to continue to fill out paperwork. Honestly. Who does the government think I am? I know you're paying for my tuition and all, but if this is the price, I don't know if I'm down for that if this is what it is going to cost me anymore. Especially since your jumble of legalese makes it sound like I could loose my firstborn if I check the wrong box. And my "Guardian" lives 2,000 miles away. And my counselor at the hospital I was at only works part-time, and all the other one's have retired, left, or never been replaced. Way to leave me hanging. So here I sit, in my room, bawling my eyes out, thinking about everything they could possibly come after. I just want to finish graduate school people. Is that so much to ask? 64 days and I'll be done. This weekend I find out if I passed COMPS (Dear Jesus, after everything I've been through in the last two years, please have mercy on me and pass me please!), and then I should have 64 days left of graduate school. Dear God, if I've had to deal with a stroke, migraines, and a seizure, please just get me out of graduate school now. When I think about what the government must be thinking when they send these letters out to people, it just seems asinine to ask someone IN SCHOOL to fill out more paperwork. Really? That's the best use of our tax payer's money and my time? Really?
So this weekend I find out how I did on my comprehensive exams. I've had A LOT of people praying for me, and a strange peace that no matter what happens, He's going to be with me even as He has in the past two years. Amen. That freaks me out a little, but my family mentioned a family vacation for the 5 of us to someplace WARM and it must include water. That was Kelli (my little sister) and I's requirements. So options are being thrown out and we'll see. For right now, I need to finish my NT assignment for the week, take a quiz for the class, and start on a paper. Just the ideal Friday night, right? ;)
Love,
Amy Christine
Thursday, March 3, 2011
God as we "determine"
It's become very to clear to over the past several days and weeks in taking to people that it's really easy to follow after a god that we design. How can that be hard? He doesn't really ask us to do hard things or challenge us in any sort of way, because, after all, we created him. We can add in some New-Age ideas, or Oprah, or Dr. Phil, or whoever is convenient at the time. Not that those are bad people by any means, but taken as gospel truth... well, that's where things get sort of funny. We might even call him "Jesus", because Christianity or going to church is what our friends do, and we wouldn't want to do something that they are doing or rock the boat, right? I think before the stroke, the "god" that I had created for myself was still Jesus, but a convenient Jesus. Almost like a vending machine. He would give me what I wanted, because after all, I had twisted the truth to fit my liking. "Pre-Stroke God" was something I had twisted and made up, full of half-truths that were convenient for me. He could be full of compassion or Mercy, we could even paste a few bible verses on him to make it "seem" like we knew what we were talking about (I was in "Seminary" after all, right?) but that's not the point and it wasn't true of HIM either. Following after him wasn't hard though, I really believe that I moved out to Denver and had clearly heard his true voice when I was in Africa or even starting Seminary, but somewhere along the line, I felt "entitled" to things. Like I had "earned" it.
It ROCKED my world to have a Sovereign God stand by and watch the stroke take place in my life. It has shattered my theology. It's taken two years to rebuild that, and I don't think I will ever be fully done here on Earth with answers to those questions. I don't think I even want them. Yes, they would be nice, but I don't need them. I'm holding the "Yes, you're a stroke survivor" in tension with "I was there, watching, and will use even this, I'm big enough" with "I'm still good and GOD". That shakes a person up.
One of my great friends Meg said the other day "You tend to bring conversations back to your stoke". Yes, I do. It was an important event for me. I'm different now. I see the world through "stroke-colored" glasses. I'll never again be the Amy pre-February 25, 2009. It's rocked my world and changed how I relate with the world around me. I'm a stroke survivor. Yes, I have LOT'S of baggage now (Doctors appointments, pills, medical debts, loss of memory), but from the outside looking in, you wouldn't see any of that really. It took having a STROKE for me to enjoy being by myself and come to terms with ME. And I don't think I would even want pre-stroke Amy or that God back now either. Even though it's WAY more difficult now, I like me. And I'm CHOOSING to follow the real God. The one who requires ALL of me. Not letting me twist His sayings into half-truths or pervert ministry with those ideas. It's been hard work. But it is (and will continue to be) worth it. Thank you for shaking me from my half-truths of what I was trying to consider you as my god. Thank you for seeing me as worthy enough to be used in your kingdom to tell others about THE REAL you and stripping me of those false beliefs. You are the only one I will worship.
Love,
Amy Christine
It ROCKED my world to have a Sovereign God stand by and watch the stroke take place in my life. It has shattered my theology. It's taken two years to rebuild that, and I don't think I will ever be fully done here on Earth with answers to those questions. I don't think I even want them. Yes, they would be nice, but I don't need them. I'm holding the "Yes, you're a stroke survivor" in tension with "I was there, watching, and will use even this, I'm big enough" with "I'm still good and GOD". That shakes a person up.
One of my great friends Meg said the other day "You tend to bring conversations back to your stoke". Yes, I do. It was an important event for me. I'm different now. I see the world through "stroke-colored" glasses. I'll never again be the Amy pre-February 25, 2009. It's rocked my world and changed how I relate with the world around me. I'm a stroke survivor. Yes, I have LOT'S of baggage now (Doctors appointments, pills, medical debts, loss of memory), but from the outside looking in, you wouldn't see any of that really. It took having a STROKE for me to enjoy being by myself and come to terms with ME. And I don't think I would even want pre-stroke Amy or that God back now either. Even though it's WAY more difficult now, I like me. And I'm CHOOSING to follow the real God. The one who requires ALL of me. Not letting me twist His sayings into half-truths or pervert ministry with those ideas. It's been hard work. But it is (and will continue to be) worth it. Thank you for shaking me from my half-truths of what I was trying to consider you as my god. Thank you for seeing me as worthy enough to be used in your kingdom to tell others about THE REAL you and stripping me of those false beliefs. You are the only one I will worship.
Love,
Amy Christine
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