Fear and Anger

I am now in a relationship with Danny Roberts back in Indianapolis. We have been friends for 8 years, and because our relationship is between us, I will keep the details off of here, although he is wonderful and patient with me :) Being with Danny has opened up years of emotions that I have stuffed for years, because, unfortunately, that is how I "best" deal with them (or have dealt with them for 30 years)... to stuff them and pretend they are not there. Unless it was a positive emotion like happiness, I assumed it wasn't good and therefore wasn't supposed to be seen outwardly. Through my degree in counseling and going through counseling myself, I have learned that anger and fear are not bad emotions, they simply make us aware of things. Anger let's us know that something has hurt us, and it is what we do with the anger that is a sin, not the emotion itself. Fear let's us know that a boundary has been crossed and violated.

Now that Danny is in my life, he has mentioned "where on earth are these emotions coming from? I've never seen these come out before!" That's right. I do a really good job of keeping them under wraps, unfortunately, and usually to my own and to others detriment. People need to know when they have hurt me, and instead, I just stuff it and pretend like all is OK. I'm starting to learn how to be OK with carefully expressing those emotions, and to others, it might seem easy, but for someone who has lived as if the emotions do not exist for 30 years, it is the hardest thing to be cognizant of them and careful to not become Mt. Vesuvio and erupt and let the emotions run all over me or the other person. I don't want to live in bondage to the fear or anger. I know I have been set free from these emotions. Being with Danny has been great, but I also hate that he gets to see the unearthing of them firsthand because they are scary, especially to someone who has just stuffed them for 3 decades. So I am learning what it means to have these emotions and to harness them under the control and captivity of Christ, while taking them captive to Him first. That means a lot that Jesus has provided freedom to me from them, because the emotions themselves are scary. So the move to Indianapolis is going to be a giant leap of faith for me- God, I believe you are there with me leading the way for me to move closer to my family and closer to Danny, will you also pave the way for me with a job, a church, with relationships, and with my heart as well? These emotions are scary, can you please help me to navigate them? Help me to see you more clearly through them Father.

Love,
Amy Christine

My video & Journey

So a few amazing things happened yesterday. I announced on Facebook that Danny and I are official, and even though I think that's a somewhat lame way what to do it and all, I realize that we have friends all over the world virtually making it impossible to tell them all, but he's literally so fantastic and SO SWEET to me. I really like this one and he is beyond an answer to prayer. He spoils me rotten and I like that so far :) I know moving to the same city (we'll only be 20 minutes away from each other in 32 days! Thank you Jesus!) will change the dynamics, but I'm ready to take that step. If I want the other things that come from a relationship, I need to be willing to take risks, which is something I have NEVER wanted to do before, hence, why I'm still single at 30, and why it's taken a man who is patient and kind to give me the freedom and time to wait it out. That freedom makes me believe that we can make it. The spiritual attacks that come make me know that Satan is not happy about this, and God must have something in store for us as well, even if it is just me stepping out from fear.

Also, I've been doing a mini-documentary about my stroke and the journey that I've been on for the last 2.5 years since with God, and the unlearning of everything that I thought I knew about Him and life. This video is amazing, and the video credit should all go to Aaron Johnson at the Seminary. Really though, this story isn't about me at all, something that I have become painfully aware of in the last 2.5 years especially. I've never wanted it to be about me, and when I get in the way, I get hurt. I want it to be about Jesus, plain and simple. He should get all the glory. I'm doing everything I'm doing today because HE saw fit to restore me and because HE saw fit to put this stubborn drive within me to gain functioning back. It's not that I did anything, I was just a fighter and didn't want to stay in a wheelchair or with my parents any longer than I had to. So I uploaded the video to Facebook yesterday. And the response has been great. I realize that most of my followers on here are also my friends on there, but I thought I would put it on here too just in case there wasn't overlap. This is all for Him. To HIM be the GLORY. Thanks for still following!
Love,
Amy Christine

REMEMBER that time when?

This is a huge blog entry. It may not seem like a big deal to many, but when you live with as many quirks as I do now, little milestones each day are a big deal and cause for celebration. I still have to write everything down. I probably always will have to. That's part of my TBI and part of my "J" personality, for better or for worse. It is what it is. So I've written things down two days in a row and then lost the list. Incredibly frustrating to someone who pretty much depends on those lists to be her brain when her brain turns to Swiss Cheese or mush. However, and HUGE praise, I REMEMBERED what was on the lists yesterday when I went to the grocery store anyway. Butter, Brown Sugar, and Flour. Not a huge grocery list and not a lot to remember, but for someone who only a few months ago who couldn't remember what I had had for breakfast, to walk to the back of the store and get what I needed, I felt elated. What a natural high when the things that I thought were totally gone return?

I've been going up to Craig Hospital to volunteer, and to be able to walk through the halls and remember, "oh, that's Jim" or whoever, is so stinking awesome. That wasn't a very high point in my life, and something I don't try to remember often. There's no real reason to do so. But remembering the people who made my recovery possible to have made to to where I am today... that's stinking awesome. I like that part. I think volunteering back at Craig is great for me to not only get experience with the medical side of things like I want for my life now, but it's really good for me to get to see a different side of things other than the patients vantage point. It's been really good for me to get out of the little box that I had myself in, and even people with "disabilities" in... It's been a great experience for the last several weeks and precisely what I want to do but paid in Indianapolis when I move in a few weeks. I'll be on the look out for this kind of position- I know God will open up the doors to use me if He's put this in my heart! Thanks for continuing to follow along! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

running

I want to train for a 5k in the middle of October. That might not sound like that big of a deal to many, but for someone desperately out of shape and for one of the last things I do in Colorado before I leave, it is to me. Especially living in the land of everyone here doing 10k's and marathons... the guilt pretty much lands on you when you step outside. I'm unfortunately not one of those people. I've even tried looking at my motivation behind why I want to run a 5k, and I guess the biggest thing is, I just want to be in shape again and want some discipline in my life. I hate that I'm not in shape. I hate that other things have become more important. I don't want anything to have mastery over me. I hate that already other things dictate my time, my energy, my money... I just want to be a runner. I want to have discipline. I want to be fit. I want to eat what's in front of me and know I can just run it off later! (ok, that's probably the bigger motivation here!) :) So here's where Brooke and I will be doing the 5k: http://action.lungusa.org/site/TR/Events/ALASW_Southwest/1349008588?pg=entry&fr_id=3541 I'd love donations if you feel so inclined, because then I wouldn't have to pay as much either, but we haven't registered yet either! Details! ha! This morning's run was rough. I know the first run will be, but I literally felt like a turtle could have passed me, and I had to stop and walk like every two minutes because I couldn't do it. I hate the mental game. That's the majority of the battle for me, and not having someone in South Denver to actually physically work out with right now. I know I will the day of the 5k and to push myself to keep going to the end of a song, etc., but it's just so stinking hard. I enrolled for a HMO plan with Medicare, and one of the benefits with that is that I get access to 24hour fitness centers once my card arrives. Jill, one of my neighbors upstairs, has said that she would like to go to some classes with me, and hopefully yoga and kick boxing will get me in somewhat of shape to start doing a little running, maybe? Any other ideas?
Love,
Amy Christine

Wanted it to work out differently

Living in Colorado for the last 6 years and having SO MANY unexpected ups and downs... I can't help but looking back on my time out here and wishing that things were different somehow. I've made incredible friendships that are certain to last the test of time. I have been blessed beyond measure in so many areas that I never expected. I have a good church now. I have a masters degree after I was told I would never return to graduate school. I have been beyond blessed, and do not know why, and may never know. I spent time earlier this week with my friend Elizabeth out in Grand Junction (Western Slope of CO), and it's absolutely beautiful over there. Even though our lives look very different now, we have both gone though similar circumstances of loneliness. Maybe mine is best described as loneliness while surrounded by people. There have been people around me, but not people who wanted to walk with me through the stuff I was going through, almost making the circumstances themselves even more difficult to deal with. That's not a blame statement, it is just what it has been. As I prepare my heart to leave this gorgeous sunshine, mountain state, I leave behind the dreams I had that were never fulfilled either. Through living in Boulder especially, I really wanted the "I bike to work, my boyfriend and I jog mountains, we eat organically" lifestyle, but I leave after 6 years never having gotten into that. I could have, I just never had the money or the time. Other things always just remained more important to me, and that's where I invested my time, my energy, my money, etc. This isn't a "woe is me" entry, it is just a remembrance of the unanswered prayers that never came to fruition here. I wanted them, but I guess maybe not enough. I think God is leading me to move on from here to a pace of life where things haven't been quite as hard. Not that things won't be hard in Indy, and for sure the lack of sunshine and humidity will be an adjustment, but the new start and focus on community life and being closer to my family if I need them will be nice for my heart once again. I really wanted Colorado to be a better fit for me, as it has been for so many of my friends. One thing that I have learned in the last few years is that I can wish and long for things to be different but things as they ARE in the present and accepting them as such is powerful. I can not change how other people respond, but I can only handle how I respond to a situation. Freaking out or longing for things to be different is not going to do anything to change your circumstances.

I wanted things to be different in Colorado, both in Boulder and Denver. They both had heartache, for very different reasons. Things haven't been easy for me in my 30 years so far, but I haven't let that stop what God has planned for me or my life either. I always said that I wanted my life to speak for itself, I guess I just didn't understand what it was going to take to allow that to happen in me. So it is with a wise sadness that I write this, and a hope that even though things did not turn out like I had once pictured them in my head for this state at one time, and has it has for many of my friends in Colorado thus far. Hopefully moving to Indianapolis in several weeks will make things different, not that I am running from my problems, but rather getting a new start. I'm ready for the new lease on life, I think, at least I'm doing everything in my power in the here and now to prepare myself for the change of scenery.
Love,
Amy Christine