Fear and Anger

I am now in a relationship with Danny Roberts back in Indianapolis. We have been friends for 8 years, and because our relationship is between us, I will keep the details off of here, although he is wonderful and patient with me :) Being with Danny has opened up years of emotions that I have stuffed for years, because, unfortunately, that is how I "best" deal with them (or have dealt with them for 30 years)... to stuff them and pretend they are not there. Unless it was a positive emotion like happiness, I assumed it wasn't good and therefore wasn't supposed to be seen outwardly. Through my degree in counseling and going through counseling myself, I have learned that anger and fear are not bad emotions, they simply make us aware of things. Anger let's us know that something has hurt us, and it is what we do with the anger that is a sin, not the emotion itself. Fear let's us know that a boundary has been crossed and violated.

Now that Danny is in my life, he has mentioned "where on earth are these emotions coming from? I've never seen these come out before!" That's right. I do a really good job of keeping them under wraps, unfortunately, and usually to my own and to others detriment. People need to know when they have hurt me, and instead, I just stuff it and pretend like all is OK. I'm starting to learn how to be OK with carefully expressing those emotions, and to others, it might seem easy, but for someone who has lived as if the emotions do not exist for 30 years, it is the hardest thing to be cognizant of them and careful to not become Mt. Vesuvio and erupt and let the emotions run all over me or the other person. I don't want to live in bondage to the fear or anger. I know I have been set free from these emotions. Being with Danny has been great, but I also hate that he gets to see the unearthing of them firsthand because they are scary, especially to someone who has just stuffed them for 3 decades. So I am learning what it means to have these emotions and to harness them under the control and captivity of Christ, while taking them captive to Him first. That means a lot that Jesus has provided freedom to me from them, because the emotions themselves are scary. So the move to Indianapolis is going to be a giant leap of faith for me- God, I believe you are there with me leading the way for me to move closer to my family and closer to Danny, will you also pave the way for me with a job, a church, with relationships, and with my heart as well? These emotions are scary, can you please help me to navigate them? Help me to see you more clearly through them Father.

Love,
Amy Christine