Carthartic Tears

It's been a rough few weeks. I've started as a nanny for friends of the people I'm living with, and although it's only part-time, it's extreme hours when I am there, like 6am to 9:30 pm. So although on "paper" it might seem like I would have plenty of time to look for another job, I end up putting in over 40-45 hours a week with these little girls. While I look for something more permanent, and we both know that it is only temporary. It makes ends meet for the meantime while I look for something more permanent, and I have already made some connections with people where I would like to be working, so that is cool to see those things happening in the meantime, even if it's not as "quick" as I (or others) would like it. God is meeting my needs right now, and that is a testimony in and of itself that this move was the right decision. I know not having a "traditional" 8-5 with benefits makes some people nervous, and I am looking and applying, but it takes time, and my needs are being met in the meantime.

It's been amazing to move back to a city that was familiar and have things come back to my memory, especially when just a few months ago I couldn't remember my breakfast. LOVING that my long term memory is still working and the recall is there still, and my dad got my GPS to work again, so when I don't know where I'm going (which is daily), I can use it! I've returned to Common Ground Christian Church for several reasons, and God has shown up, mostly so far through the preaching and community that I'm finding there. I've needed both, even when I "say" I don't...

I was dating someone from Indianapolis and really started to lean on Danny in ways that weren't healthy for either of us right now, and won't go into the details since that's our business and not something for this blog. We broke up a few weeks after my arrival here, and all of the things that I had imagined or believed about us being together with my new start here were then shattered with his cold turkey cutoff. I've been able to connect with a few fantastic women, even before our break up, and seeing God speak through them and into my life through the chaos and pain, well, it's great. I've needed that so badly right now, but most of all, I need to sit in God's presence and see if He will say anything about why He brought me back to this place that was familiar for right now.

Maybe all of these things are happening in my life right now to make me direct myself and my posture to God's feet and presence and cling to him, because ultimately, He's the only who can do anything anyway. I've been really angry for a long time, and for good reason- I've had many reasons to be angry, but I'm realizing that they weren't God's FAULT but He allowed them to happen in my life so that I could be USED with others who are going through something similar, a hell on Earth, themselves. I get it now. I always said that I wanted to minster to this population... I just didn't know it was going to happen in MY LIFE first for it to happen (though it does make sense when you take a step back and look at it)!? So for Thanksgiving, I drove up to Michigan to see my family in Lansing, and had about a 4 hour drive both directions, and cried with Jesus both ways. These songs mean so much to me right now. The first song was one that I heard last week and sobbed to... gives a whole to meaning to "blessings". The second was one that God used in my life after the stroke, but has new meaning now too. Life in the now sometimes feels like Acid Rain. It hurts. It's incredibly fragile and painful. Daily. I am constantly asking WHY about the things that happen. Life is hard here, and it's not what I was used to in Colorado, which is both good and bad. But through it all, I'm going to keep seeking Him. From the outside and without faith, that might not make sense.... Through my tears, I will keep pressing in to see what He is doing, and maybe the why's... Call it my stubbornness, call it my refusal to give up without a fight, call it what you will, I want to look back on these first few months of living in Indianapolis and know that this is where I met with God, even when it wasn't easy. So I will continue to seek Him first, even through my tears. May they be an offering to Him, or as Erin says (my roommate)-- an offering of worship unto the Lord. So even when it isn't easy, may I strive to meet with you Lord.

Love,
Amy Christine

Laura Story. "Blessings"
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Mercy Me. "Bring the Rain"
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Forgetting things

Friday was a frustrating day. When I look back and reflect upon all that God has done over the last 2 years and 8 months, I really am shocked and grateful, which makes days like that one all the more hard to deal with since they have become “out of the norm” for me in my usual routine. I arrived safe, sound, yet very exhausted last Saturday mid-day, and then met Danny’s parents and they were super kind and let me shower and nap at their place (Hope I could offer the same hospitality to my sons girlfriend after a cross-country drive!) It seems I cannot catch up enough on sleep-- I feel like I am always sleeping, but I realize it’s going to be an adjustment period for a few weeks yet. I LOVE the family that I am staying with-- Brian and Erin Clark and their 3 children have welcomed me into their space, and I have my own area, an “in-law” apartment, that is somewhat separate, but I love being with a family again, especially one’s that understand ministry and all that I have to transition to here-- they have been fabulous!
So Friday. Living with a Traumatic Brain Injury is never “cut and dry” or self-explanatory. There is not a textbook manual on how to deal with what “may” happen since the injuries can be from such a spectrum, and for those living closest to me, like Danny, the Clarks, my parents, friends, my future employers, etc.- I sort of wish that there was. Maybe I will attempt to write one someday, at least from one TBI’s perspective on living with it. Some days I “just feel slow and stupid” (and Danny would say that’s an agreement, but that’s the only way to articulate it right now); some days, even with writing things down, things are still forgotten. I drove all the way to a Goodwill today and went there without my purse. Sigh. I do keep cash on hand in the car just in case, but still. Tonight for dinner, I burned what I was cooking, FROM A BOX, while I was in the kitchen and not even a foot away from it. My poor husband someday is going to starve if I actually get married someday. Then when I was coming home at night, I continue to get lost in this neighborhood. Once daylight is out, it seems to take me much longer to get home, so when I pulled into the driveway, I just started crying. I know God has called me to be back in the Midwest again. That thrills and terrifies me at the same time. I am so looking forward to finding out some of the why’s behind my coming back here, and why that couldn’t be achieved in Denver. Already, being able to drive around and remember ‘there should be a _____ over there” and there IS from over 7 years ago… for someone who a few months ago couldn’t remember her own breakfast, that’s a pretty big deal. Just the self-efficacy that comes with knowing-- I have what it takes to live on my own and to make it here and do this myself is pretty huge, so making that hurdle already has been great. So Indianapolis might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s feeling more and more like home to me day by day. I’m excited to see what God has in store in this place and through these relationships. Although I wouldn’t trade anything that comes with living with a TBI and the effects of the stroke on my life, it does mean more medical attention now, being hyper-aware of many things, taking tons of medications, but it also means having days like Friday as a downside. I will take the occasional frustrating day, although there are moments like that every day, to deal with in the midst of life now post-stroke. That is simply how I view the world now, and most days, I am grateful for that perspective. I just need to remember that in the midst of the tears of frustration like Friday evening. For now, I am just grateful I have someone like Danny who is patient with me and reminds me, “Babe, you had a stroke, it’s ok that you forget things, I forget things all the time and I have no excuse. Don’t be so hard on yourself” God really has given me someone so incredibly kind to remind me that I need to remain nicer to myself in the midst of all of the stuff going on. Danny is a wonderful reminder of that in the midst of all of the chaos of transition to life back in the Midwest again. Danny, if you are reading this, Thank You.
Love,
Amy Christine

So bittersweet

So I'm still packing, and it's taking me like eons extra time because I'm having to do most of it myself, and since my place flooded earlier this summer-- I'm having to go through most of that stuff too. I thought I already had gone through a lot of it, but I guess not enough. I've been throwing and giving stuff away for days, and selling things. I got a trailer hitch installed on my car the other day, and I pick up the trailer tomorrow after I volunteer at Craig Hospital for the last time (in which I will probably be a hot mess. I have learned to love that place so much over the last two months!) Picking up the trailer will probably be a moment of finality for me. That this is really happening. I've said many, many goodbyes already, to so many great friends. I know through technology I won't have to really say "goodbye", and Danny has already promised that we can come back and vacation here, because I have learned to love this state so much. It has grown on me so much. One thing that I have dreamed about and contemplated in the last few weeks is just how much growth I am going to go through in the next few weeks. Every time I have stepped out in faith, especially to a place where I have felt God leading me and without a job, He has provided for me immensely... a job, friends, a church, community, a sense of belonging. So yes, it's going to be hard. But my experience has told me before that God has provided in the past, and will continue to provide again. Yes, it's scary. But HE IS FAITHFUL. If I feel Him leading me to Indianapolis, then I also have to take Him at His word and Believe He is going to provide for me, in all of those areas that feel uncomfortable. So no, when people ask me, I don't have a job yet, or a church, or anything really other than my boyfriend and a place to live, but I also know that God is a God of miracles and things are in place for Him to work. I have things in place and have been in contact with people to get things lined up, but I'm still scared. My experience tells me I shouldn't be, and yet, I am. So Danny arrives on Wednesday night after almost 6 weeks apart, sees my life here in Colorado on Thursday and then we drive through the night on Thursday night and most of the day Friday. So theoretically we should arrive sometime late on Friday. I still can't believe that this is happening, but it is. I think it will be more real once I have the trailer and Danny is here. For now, I just know that within a week, all of life that I know as "normal" right now will be totally different, and I think I am ready for that now, as hard as it will be. I'm ready for this new chapter I think.
Love,
Amy Christine

Volunteering at Craig Hospital

As my time volunteering at Craig Hospital comes to a close (I only have three times left there before I move to Indiana), I continue to be amazed by the love, sacrifice and compassion that flows from the people that care for the patients there. A friend that I had met while I was in inpatient care there a few years ago posted this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQY4dIxY1H4&ob=av2e), and it still brings me to tears. When I see the husbands, girlfriends, children, wives, fiancees, etc- caring for their loved one's in wheelchairs and in horrific circumstances because of car accidents, some rare illness, strokes, skiing accidents... I can't even get through this blog post because I am crying so hard. I don't know why this has become such an emotional topic for me, maybe it's just because I've had 4 months of my life already taken away by the hospital and don't want anymore to be taken away.

I want a love that's strong enough to withstand whatever comes my way, not just someone who's going to bail on me because something happened and has made life no longer convenient. I met a guy who's wife divorced him after his stroke. There had to be more going on beyond just that incident, but the idea devastates me. I look back on the pictures from when it happened to me, and I hate it. I hate my smile. I hate how much weight I lost in the hospital. I hate how out of control everything was for me, and how my care was up to other people FOR MONTHS. Not having control freaks me out, and it's been something I've been working on personally. I want to grow in this area. But most of all, I want a love that is strong enough to not even question when something happens, but it just takes over into care-giving. I know that's not an easy task that I'm asking for or looking for by any means, but it's become important to me because of recent events in my life. Who knows what could happen. I certainly didn't anticipate a stroke at age 28. Who knows what could happen tomorrow. I don't want to live my life in fear, but at the same time, I want to know that I would be ok if anything was ever to happen to me or the people that I love. And those are my thoughts on this emotional day of Autumn as I pack to move to Indianapolis. I can't believe with all of my preparation that is really next week now! Crazy! I love you all!
Love,
Amy Christine

Creature of Habit

I'm a creature of habit. I've said it and I'll admit it. It throws me off when I go to the gym and the locker I normally use is already in use, or the machines I usually use are being taken. Really, it was a lot to even get myself INTO a routine, and now that's being taken away from me... I have to park in the same areas at stores because if I don't, then when I leave, I wander aimlessly in the parking lot and that's beyond embarrassing. So these are the habits that I've learned to make my life now with a TBI now more manageable. Living with a color-coded planner to remember everything and to-do lists every day might sound like torture to some. It's life to keep me in line now, It's what keeps the holes of my "Swiss Cheese" Brain somewhat manageable. I sometimes get teased for that rigidity. Not that I don't have flexibility or spontaneity, and can somewhat go with the flows of what happens, but I prefer things to be somewhat more planned if I have the choice. I believe it's the routines and plans that can keep me somewhat sane. So I like the same "predictable"ish days, patterns of routines that makes sense and flow, somewhat structured, somewhat more manageable. How that will play out in the next month as I move to Indianapolis and start this new chapter over, I'm leaving up to God, but He knows this part of my heart too, and my desire for structure and routine. Come what may, but I just felt like sharing that desire and slice of my heart.

Love,
Amy Christine

Forever Reign

The season I've been in lately, at least for the past several weeks, has been great. I love to think about this time as learning freedom. It's not something that has just come natural for me unfortunately. It's been a complete opposite from the beginning of the summer. I am anticipating my move to Indianapolis in a few weeks, and though it's a very bittersweet time for me of leaving behind some very important memories and friendships, I know that those are not things I have to leave altogether. Rather, I can take the memories with me to Indianapolis and with how I stay connected with facebook and email, I think this transition will be okay. Hard, but do-able. I know there will be a lot in Colorado that I will miss, especially close knit relationships and community. I've been volunteering up at Craig Hospital, and I think the time that I have given to the patients and the staff there has been 10-fold anything I could ever have "given". I have learned so much. I want my job in Indianapolis to be in the Hospital setting somehow, and want more to put on a resume than "I was a patient once", although having both perspectives certainly won't hurt my chances of being employed at a hospital too!

This morning at church, this song seemed to captivate my attention, and illustrates this time very poignantly. We've sung it before, but the Spirit seemed to hover this morning with this song especially. Pretty much, I am in love with this song now and it sums up what is going on with much of my life right now. The having to leave Colorado and all of the uncertainty in Indiana that awaits me. Here it is, and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRBQtIEEkrU

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost it's sting

Oh, I'm running to your arms,
I'm running to arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I'm running to your arms
I'm running to arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I'm running to your arms
I'm running to arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

Love,
Amy Christine

Fear and Anger

I am now in a relationship with Danny Roberts back in Indianapolis. We have been friends for 8 years, and because our relationship is between us, I will keep the details off of here, although he is wonderful and patient with me :) Being with Danny has opened up years of emotions that I have stuffed for years, because, unfortunately, that is how I "best" deal with them (or have dealt with them for 30 years)... to stuff them and pretend they are not there. Unless it was a positive emotion like happiness, I assumed it wasn't good and therefore wasn't supposed to be seen outwardly. Through my degree in counseling and going through counseling myself, I have learned that anger and fear are not bad emotions, they simply make us aware of things. Anger let's us know that something has hurt us, and it is what we do with the anger that is a sin, not the emotion itself. Fear let's us know that a boundary has been crossed and violated.

Now that Danny is in my life, he has mentioned "where on earth are these emotions coming from? I've never seen these come out before!" That's right. I do a really good job of keeping them under wraps, unfortunately, and usually to my own and to others detriment. People need to know when they have hurt me, and instead, I just stuff it and pretend like all is OK. I'm starting to learn how to be OK with carefully expressing those emotions, and to others, it might seem easy, but for someone who has lived as if the emotions do not exist for 30 years, it is the hardest thing to be cognizant of them and careful to not become Mt. Vesuvio and erupt and let the emotions run all over me or the other person. I don't want to live in bondage to the fear or anger. I know I have been set free from these emotions. Being with Danny has been great, but I also hate that he gets to see the unearthing of them firsthand because they are scary, especially to someone who has just stuffed them for 3 decades. So I am learning what it means to have these emotions and to harness them under the control and captivity of Christ, while taking them captive to Him first. That means a lot that Jesus has provided freedom to me from them, because the emotions themselves are scary. So the move to Indianapolis is going to be a giant leap of faith for me- God, I believe you are there with me leading the way for me to move closer to my family and closer to Danny, will you also pave the way for me with a job, a church, with relationships, and with my heart as well? These emotions are scary, can you please help me to navigate them? Help me to see you more clearly through them Father.

Love,
Amy Christine