My "Evangelism" plan...

I had coffee with my friend Lindsay on Friday, and she is becoming a dear friend here in Indianapolis. In College (as a ministry major) I thought I had things all figured out and had an "Evangelism Plan" all mapped out. And then life happened and my idea of God had to radically shift and I found out that the God that I thought that I knew and the plan that I was leading people to didn't quite fit the God of my experience. Not that I shouldn't HAVE an evangelism plan. I would desperately LOVE if I could use my story in people lives to tell them the amazing news of what God has done IN ME AND THROUGH ME. But I realize now that even a walking miracle and medical anomaly that my Evangelism plan sounds a lot more like I'm talking about the Easter bunny and all I can say is "Welp, He is real. I shouldn't be here. That's what I know to be true. I wish you could experience that for yourself." I wish that life made a lot more sense. It hasn't for me, and at the end of the day, even with my advanced degrees and religious training, I have a lot more questions than I do answers, and I've had to rest assured that God is OK with my questions. In fact, He is big enough to welcome and encourage them. He made me with these wrestlings and although I WANT answers, I want to know Him more. So I've had to become OK with maybe not getting answers for now, at least in this season, time, or maybe even this life. If someone could explain to me an Evangelism plan using my story that would make sense for others to hear and present them with the Trust in a non-hokey way, that would be awesome. For right now, I have nothing, other than what I've said above and simply loving them in their process of wrestling too and trusting God with the details of everything else. Maybe that's all that we're really meant to do anyway. Sometimes I think we get so focused on "Salvation" and "being in or out" that we miss the point of the relationship altogether, which really should be the point. Maybe all my education was just to remind me that I need to unlearn who I thought was in control and the "neat" formulas of having it all figured out anyway. Life is A LOT more gray than I used to believe, that is for certain.
Love,
Amy Christine

Learning in the stillness

Jesus Calling, February 16:
"Thank me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in my kingdom have been done from from sick beds and prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to me.
Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms. My Strength and Power show themselves most effective in weakness."

I've been sick since Friday. I accepted a full-time job on Friday morning, and got to celebrate by being in bed sick all weekend. Not only do I live in chronic, daily pain and put on a smile and hide behind it to not answer questions of "How is it today" but I was bed ridden with a not only a migraine but a sore throat and fever (and we'll find out if there was more at 1:30 after going to the doctor) since Thursday night. I'm super stubborn, but to lay out and watch nothing but TV and sleep because I had no energy was super hard. I was a few days behind on my devotions and read this last night. I was floored to say the least. I shouldn't be amazed anymore, but I still am. I still can't believe that God actually wants to USE ME in my "broken" state. It seems so counter-intuitive. I have a million excuses, and must sound a lot like many of the bible characters that we Hero-ize for their acts of faith, like Moses when he stuttered up to God his excuses... God wants to use me when I'm broken and don't have my act together. I LOVED the line "Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the Midst of these very circumstances" Really? You have a plan in this mess? In my migraines? With my sore throat and fever this weekend? You want to use me like this? When I only see myself as an invalid and I'm bed-ridden? Teach me more of what that looks like then! Because I'm like that pretty often! Teach me what that heart of prayer looks like and I will gladly offer it Lord! You know this life is yours, so do with it what you want Lord!
Love,
Amy Christine

Ruminations...

Since the stroke, my mind gets "stuck" on stuff, kind of like a old record player would when it would repeat the same line of a song over and over again. Sometimes that's OK, like on a Christian song or on Scripture and I don't mind the repeating over and over so much. Sometimes it a little more disturbing, like lately-- I've been having very vivid nightmares- I get into an accident in my car, and my air bag explodes, and my coffee mug goes through lip and dismantles my face. That's not exactly the image you want replaying 40 times a day. After my break-up, over and over, my mind was stuck on "what could I have done, said, or been to have made him stay?" See, these are the things that no one can "see" because to the outside world, I "look just fine" now. My mind stays fixated on something, anything, until something is done about it. I may have to write it down to get it out of my mind (temporarily), try and rationalize with myself about why or why not it is the right time for that to happen, why or why not I can or can not afford it, yadi yadi... But NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT LIVING WITH THESE THOUGHTS IS LIKE. My memory goes one of two ways- either I remember things ALL TOO WELL or not at all. And I never know which its going to be, nor does it have any rhyme or reason. Living with the remnants of this TBI isn't something that is easily explainable to someone else, especially because "I LOOK NORMAL", probably the worst curse of it all. That helps people not ask, not know what to say, not... fill in the blank. So I suffer in silence. Isolated with this. Alone to deal with it.

This week's rumination: get a job. Maybe I shouldn't get one in the mental health field after all, but rather something more like Chase Bank or Target or something- something I could more or less just "leave there" at the end of the day. I've been working so dang hard for almost 4 months trying to find a job "in my field" and can get interviews, follow up with them after, and then I get blown off. To say it's frustrating is an understatement. I have my masters degree and I sell cupcakes. I'm trying to be graceful and realize there are factors outside of my control here, but at the end of the day, I still just sell cupcakes right now and live off of the graces of the government and their social systems. Even to someone with an "able-bodied brain" that is frustrating. I'm seeing my neurologist and a psychiatrist on Monday and getting a recommendation of a neureopsychologist to maybe help give some idea to why physically my brain can't help but stay "fixated" to these stupid topics. There has to be a "medical" reason why I simply CAN'T move on no matter HOW HARD I TRY. It's not normal and it drives me insane, especially when it's about something negative. I try to move on, but physically, mentally, and spiritually, I'm not able to. I've prayed to be released. It seems God has some purpose, just as He did in the Stroke itself, of not taking this from me. So for now, I wait without an answer and still selling cupcakes and praying for something more. I know it's out there and I'm just praying in the meantime that I am available when the opportunity arises. Until then, I will sell cupcakes joyfully.
Love,
Amy Christine

Right on the money

Yesterday was a hard day. I sat on hold for a long time and then finally gave up and just sent them what I needed by mail, drove up to Noblesville (about 20 minutes away) for a meeting that I thought started then but doesn't in fact start until next week, my faxes wouldn't go through at social security at all, my doctors office's lab was closed and I had to get the labs drawn at the hospital and had to wait extremely long but then they forgot one and made me late to meet a friend and I have been late on her already twice this week, and still haven't heard back from any of the places I've interviewed- making me feel extremely inadequate and worried about finances... It was like that "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" story from our childhood to say the least. And that was just some of the day, the parts that I can recall. I kept looking for a silver lining but none was there to be found. I sat down last night to have my quiet time and just felt like I needed to read from my little devotional book, and was BLOWN AWAY at how spot on the reading was:

I am above all things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly realms. This is the way of Peace, living in the Light of My Presence. I guarantee that you will always have problems in this life, but they must NOT BECOME YOUR FOCUS. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say, "Help me, Jesus!" and I will draw you back to me. If you have to say that a thousands of times daily, don't be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place. [February 8, Jesus Calling, Sarah Young]

I SHOULDN'T be surprised when Jesus speaks directly into my life, but I'm still astonished every time, going- Really? You saw that? You see my needs? You're here with me? In the last few months, I've had every right to throw up my hands in protest and anger and say "Screw it then" or "You've allowed this to happen. Fine. I'm walking away then" And I'm not saying this to then say 'Oh, look, I've made the Holier choice', but I haven't. I haven't walked away, but tried to walk closer with Him, looking for some purpose in it all. I've been really tempted to just walk away, but again, God has surrounded me with great people that have reminded me that this too, will become part of my message. I want that to just begin already, and am tired of the forming process to get where He wants me to be at.

Love,
Amy Christine

Changes in my feelings of circumstances

Things have changed for me lately. Not necessarily in my actual circumstances, but in my outlook. I've had to come to a place of accepting that this is how things are right now, and though not how I would like them to be, but God has provided things for me, even if things feel financially "tight". I started working at a cupcake shop as a manager, and it's nothing that is going to make me rich overnight, but I get to work with highschool kids and sweets, while being creative. So I'm not using my degree yet- it's only temporary, probably for a few more weeks, but it's a Christian business and hearing Christian music has helped change how I've looked at my circumstances. I started doing the KLove 30 day challenge, where I would only listen to nothing but Christian music for 30 days, and it honestly has made a difference because my mind stays fixated on a line or lyric for hours, so I remain content and repeating scriptures usually all day. I've had several promising interviews, and they all feel like something could happen with each and I would be content serving and working there for awhile.

The middle boy that I live with, Noah, has become one of my favorite people right now, has been doing something that I LOVE. Almost every day, he intentially asks what my high and my low was for the day. He's three. And he's genuinely interested in knowing about those things in my days. Usually, I have to make my language something that is comprehensible to a 3-year-old, but I love that God has uses the questions of a little man to show me that "Amy, I care about you, and this is just one of the ways of how." I love that Noah has this super sweet heart that already just caring to nurture and be present with people. That's one of my favorite things about him. And his giggle. Really, the entire Clark family has become this huge blessing to me as I restructure my life here in Indiana, finding new doctors, applying and interviewing for jobs, beginning to get plugged into and involved at my church, and finding my niche here in Indianapolis. My circumstances may not have changed, but my outlook and attitude towards things that are going has. I'm taking a pro-active approach to actively making my life here the best it can be with what I have right now. I'm surrounding myself with some fantastic people that lift me up and encourage me- with church, with work and leads, with doctors and my various tests (within a week I've had an EEG, a CT scan, and an MRI of my head for my massive migraines- I should get some results tomorrow when I go in. I've gone in to the ER twice this week already, and I'm now on steroids and getting trigger point injections tomorrow.) Taking charge of my life and independence for how I want my life to look here in Indianapolis while I am here, for however long that may be. Although I would love to have a full-time job already, I realize with one, I wouldn't be able to go to the ER or BMV or the other various errands that I've had to do in the last few weeks. Social Security Disability, Medicare, and now Medicaid have been beyond confusing, but sure have been a blessing to not have to be too stressed about some of my bills being paid. God has provided. And for that, I am grateful.
Love,
Amy Christine

Child Life =)

I think I have found what I want to do "when I grow up" (yes, mind you, I am 31 now, and have a masters degree... details). I went in for a tour of the Child Life Department at Riley Hospital for Children in Downtown Indianapolis yesterday, and have been smiling ever since. I loved it. Ever since I was in school and getting my masters degree and first heard about being a child life specialist- I thought "This would be a super job for me"... being able to see it firsthand yesterday sealed the deal for me. When a child gets a diagnosis and has to be in the hospital long-term for something, say, cancer, they need someone to help "normalize" the events in the hospital for them and distract them from all procedures as well. The Child Life Specialist brought her iPad and played music for patients, did a few crafts with them, and would help explain things as best as she knew how to the families. It was one of those surreal days yesterday where I found myself united with this dream of knowing that this is what I wanted to do someday, and kept beaming from ear to ear about it. Unfortunately, there aren't any openings right now at the hospital for it as an assistant, and to get into the actual Child Life department, I would have to wait until the fall to do an internship and then also sit for another exam. But I contacted the people I did the visit with, and I can volunteer in the department now, and that is at least an in for now, so it's a start! I am all about any opportunity that gets me closer to these dreams now!

I am reading this wonderful book called "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist, and I've so been challenged by a quote from it. "It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard, she said, is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things that you really care about" (p.54) What am I willing to give up? What am I willing to sacrifice? What are good things that I still might have to lay down because they are not the best? That's a super hard question, and it does not have any easy answer. I'm still pondering that myself, and thankfully I have a few wise people in my life that also ask me some hard questions and I'm alone some in the car right now commuting to places to interview or volunteer that I have time to reflect on these things. I think I need to intentially make space around me to have the time to reflect on what is going on- writing in my journal, praying, or simply talking to a friend on the phone that I love. I need those things to fill up my bucket, otherwise I run on empty and I am no good for anyone around me, which I hate. For now, life is somewhat quieting down, which I say hesitantly, almost not wanting to speak it and acknowledge it, for fear that it might not last... Sure, I know it won't last long once I have full-time employment soon, but for now, I am relishing the quietness of it all, between volunteering, making time for the sweet family I live with, my wonderful house church and getting to know them each better, and plug in more at my church. They are wonderful things around me here in Indianapolis, and I just need to be on the look out for the blessings in my every day life and to be ready to see what God is doing. It is my attitude and perspective that changes where I am going to go, and to God be the glory. Amen and Amen.
Love,
Amy Christine

Chronic Pain

Living with chronic pain. I don't talk about it much because I hate it and it sounds like whining. People ask why I don't just stay in bed when it hurts. Well, because I would never get out of bed, and there are things that I would like to do... like live life. Trust me, I've sought help for this. I've tried several avenues. I've gotten scans, been to dozens of doctors, gotten massages, and taken I don't know how many medications... Nothing so far seems to help. I have chronic headaches. My high school youth leader has fibromailgia now, but you would never know it. We talk about living with chronic pain sometimes. It's a completely mysterious world to someone not familiar- they think "well, just take 2 Advil and move on". Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

We talked a few weeks ago about it, and she was going to an event at her church, where very few people know about it for her. She would act like her "normal" self, but be on the couch for at least 4 hours in pain the following day because it took so much out out of her. It seems to be if you are extroverted and deal with chronic pain that you don't know how to talk to others about the issue, because you aren't sure how they are going to react really. So instead, I just keep silent, isolating myself in pain further. There are very few people who understand because I've found very few people dealing with chronic pain as well. This last week, my doctor started me on Cymbalta to try to get my pain under control. This isn't a "woe is me" entry, but just a "there's got to be some relief out there besides becoming an addict..." and I want to live a healthier life than that with other alternatives. I'm willing to look for alternatives certainly, and feel like I've already tried most of the things that are out there, and I really want to get healthy and better, but I feel I'm out of options that I know of, and am looking for additional help and ideas. Being in a new place is making my headaches even present differently, so I'm starting to note how that is so. Living with chronic pain is not a clean cut issue unfortunately, and makes for some dicey issues to deal with. Thankfully, I am getting some new doctors with new ideas on approaching the situation and I am writing down what has been tried before and how it has effected me. Hopefully that will make a difference as I move forward. I just needed to get that out!
Love,
Amy Christine