My pain. It's a constant. It's something that I've simply tried to accept, even with ALL OF THE MONEY and things I've tried to a) make it disappear b) lessen in intensity and frequency. I smile so often because I hate to talk about, and hope that this will just leave people believing all is well with me instead. Those who really know me no longer believe this, and know it's part of my "pretend all is well game". Migraines and daily headaches have been with me for 12+ years. I lamented online earlier this week about this, and a super wise friend who has suffered for 13 years pointed out that if it WASN'T for my chronic pain, I would not know the depths that others can suffer themselves. It's opened me up to a level of compassion and empathy for others that can't be faked. I have become SO MUCH more understanding of other's who deal with chronic pain. It's an empathy that really only can come from dealing with that refining fire yourself.
This is NOT something I would have asked for (but, then again, do we ever ASK for things that are hard?) God has been, and continues to be glorified, through this. It's all I can ask from it really. I've asked for healing and somehow a "cure"... and I still sit here, 12+ years later. Nothing has changed other than they have grown more intense (much more even post-stroke), and I've grown weary and tired with trying thing after thing that makes me think that they could really be gone. And yet... they are still here. No cure or miraculous healing yet. Daily headaches and migraines a couple of times a week. Fear with any "abnormal" one's since that is how my stroke presented itself, and I try not to give in to the hysterics that can overwhelm in the moment of "It's going to happen again". I've almost become a paranoid hypochondriac. Some might say for good reason, but others might call me looney. So I stay hidden in my cocoon and avoid talking about my pain or fears, and burrow my head further into despair. I've lost the hope that things might actually get better, and yet, it just makes me yearn for my glorified body. A world with tears, pain, or fears. It is coming. And to that hope I cling.
I've recently become mildly obsessed with a song writer named Jason Gray. He is real, authentic, and expresses what I'm dying to scream through his music. It's somewhat creepy and erie how right on he has been. I have listened to this album on constant repeat in my car, with many of the songs becoming anthems that I sing out to Jesus (it's a good thing I usually drive alone!) Somehow the words seem somewhat more removed since they were 'authored' by someone else, regardless of how they capture my own emotions. There is one song in particular (video and lyrics below) that has just resonated with me lately. It makes me tear up most of the time. Because of it's honesty. I know there will be a day when I'm not stuck in this valley, but for now, these words just come from a deep place of hurt within and have become my prayer back to God. I almost forget days without deep heartache and chronic pain, and of restful sleep and a more fulfilling job. Most of my days now are filled with creatively dreaming about how to make the most of the meagerness I have currently, and longing for a world without my present circumstances.
I told my pastor last week that I'm coming to accept that God has placed me here in Indiana. I've asked for something different- a different location, job, life... and yet, He hasn't opened the avenues to get me anywhere else. So, I'm doing the "Joy Dare" by Ann Voskamp (Her Book: 1000 Gifts; http://www.aholyexperience.com/joy-dares/) to become grateful for the life I have RIGHT NOW. Not my dreams. Not my wants. My right now. It's been GREAT. 3 times a day she asks you to ask the Lord for 3 gifts/insights, and then I journal at night about what I see around me from that. It's been amazing. From the outside, this isn't even the part of the city that I wanted to be in. This is NOT the life I would have chosen or written. At All. And yet, I'm here in my house until the end of July. So, Lord, show me things THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME that I can praise you for. Amen.
So the song below is the song "Without Running Away" by Jason Gray. Many days, to be honest, I WANT TO BOLT FROM THIS PLACE. As if all of my problems are because I am residing in Indianapolis. False. This song depicts the internal battle for me well right now. The pain. The anger. The searching for meaning in a world that simply doesn't make a lot of sense to me anymore. Maybe it never has. And that's ok.
I've spent some days looking
For a length of rope
And a place to hang it
From the end of my hope
Where I thought hope had ended
I always find a little bit more
It's not like I'm trying
To be optimistic
If the truth be told
I'd rather dismiss it
Be free of the burden
Of living that hoping requires
To bring my heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
Jesus is speaking
But it's so hard to hear
When disciples with swords
Are cutting off ears
Broken and bleeding
Waiting for healing to come
But wounded's a part
That I've learn to play well
But the wound may run deeper
Than I know how to tell
Where pain's an addiction
That keeps me buried alive
When it's all that I know
I'm afraid to leave it behind
And bring my heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
My heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not lifted up
But calm and quiet is my soul
Like a child with it's mother is my soul
After a while in the dark
Your eyes will adjust
And the shadows you'll find
A hand you can trust
The still small voice
That calls like the rising sun
Come, bring your heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
You must run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
The life I thought I was to have...
So, I just turned 32, pretty uneventfully (thank goodness). Several things have been on my mind from this year's Christmas-Birthday-New Year roller coaster of emotions and reflections that always seem to hit me. I think the biggest thing that I have been mulling over are the live(s) that I thought I was going to lead, and yet, the story that I see unfolding before me that I NEVER could have dreamt up, even in my wildest imaginations. If you had told me even 4 years ago that THIS was going to be my life right now, I would have told you that you were hallucinating.
Varying from a Southern belle married to a youth pastor with a thriving inner-city ministry; to a missionary living overseas to a powerful attorney for the sex-slavery industry; to a Midwest wife trying to balance so many complications... I let all of 'what is not' go. So here I sit, as I write these thoughts today. I am a single woman at 32, and the life of being a wife and a mother to 7 boys has yet to materialize. Just the absurdity of that thought now gives me a headache. I live on the Near East Side of downtown Indianapolis, and with the majority of gray days that this state has, it makes my depression and mental health even more to battle. I so often feel abandoned by God in this humid and flat state [which against the backdrop of the Rockies, often feels like a sick joke]. It is one that I have to force myself to cling to the Hope of the 'Not Yet' in the Promises of God. I still deal with chronic pain in my joints, my head, all over really, and I don't have the finances to go after the journeys toward health that I would like. And yet, I have tried so very many avenues to feel better, including chiropractic, working out strategies, wacky diets, dozens of western medicines, and healing prayers. This is nothing like I had imagined for myself. Still, I await my glorified body. Maybe that is what these aches and pains are meant to remind me of... a life without pain that I have yet to live.
Still, God has been good, and He has given me opportunities to live with families to try to see what my life could be like if those 'dreams' had happened after all. I shudder at the thought of it having actually happened. God truly does know what's best for me... and although I believe He is sovereign enough to make all things work together for good because I would be seeking Him through it... Apparently, this is actually the most Glorified that God can be right now. Apparently, He sees that a woman who's overcome all of the odds thrown at her after a severe stroke and now living with a traumatic brain injury with all of my health complications is the best way to live. This chronic pain, these migraines, this super stretched budget, all of these 'Not Yet's' surrounding me... I would have written it differently though. But He never asked my opinion on that.
But daily, I ask for God to open my eyes to ways that I can be His light. If I was being honest... I don't want this life. I KNOW my life is a miracle, but everything that has come with my life now post-stroke... It's hard to say that I'm grateful for the roller coaster. But I WANT to want it. I'm asking for ways of God showing me that what I have right now IS GOOD, and I wouldn't want what it is that I have thought God has been answering my prayers in the lives of my friends instead. So I'm choosing ways of making things intentional- with my family, my friends, my church, my job, what I spend my money on, etc. I'm seeking counseling and it has been incredible for me. Dawn has been like a prophetess in my life, being able to speak tenderly to me and I can hear the voice of the Lord when we are together. She has quickly earned my trust, and I am excited for what we are going to learn together in the coming weeks. I don't like talking, but with her, because she is so wise to discern and listen- it comes rather easily. She has a rare gift to be present and to truly hear. I've needed that. And I have a few key friends, that are patient with me and can remind me to just have fun and not be so serious all the time. I don't like serious Amy all that much, so it's nice when they encourage 'Silly Amy' to come out and play. I think that's why I like baby-sitting so much- because I get to be reminded of how carefree life can be! So, I joyfully rejoice with my friends who are getting married or having babies, because I can see God's outpouring of blessings in that for them. But I just know that for me, it is a 'Not Yet' answer. Not a No, but a 'Not Yet', for there are still things that I need to learn to appreciate about myself for any of that to happen for me yet. So for now, I am being intentional and trying to remain open for what God may be up to, even if I don't understand it all yet. And that is okay.
Love,
Amy Christine
Varying from a Southern belle married to a youth pastor with a thriving inner-city ministry; to a missionary living overseas to a powerful attorney for the sex-slavery industry; to a Midwest wife trying to balance so many complications... I let all of 'what is not' go. So here I sit, as I write these thoughts today. I am a single woman at 32, and the life of being a wife and a mother to 7 boys has yet to materialize. Just the absurdity of that thought now gives me a headache. I live on the Near East Side of downtown Indianapolis, and with the majority of gray days that this state has, it makes my depression and mental health even more to battle. I so often feel abandoned by God in this humid and flat state [which against the backdrop of the Rockies, often feels like a sick joke]. It is one that I have to force myself to cling to the Hope of the 'Not Yet' in the Promises of God. I still deal with chronic pain in my joints, my head, all over really, and I don't have the finances to go after the journeys toward health that I would like. And yet, I have tried so very many avenues to feel better, including chiropractic, working out strategies, wacky diets, dozens of western medicines, and healing prayers. This is nothing like I had imagined for myself. Still, I await my glorified body. Maybe that is what these aches and pains are meant to remind me of... a life without pain that I have yet to live.
Still, God has been good, and He has given me opportunities to live with families to try to see what my life could be like if those 'dreams' had happened after all. I shudder at the thought of it having actually happened. God truly does know what's best for me... and although I believe He is sovereign enough to make all things work together for good because I would be seeking Him through it... Apparently, this is actually the most Glorified that God can be right now. Apparently, He sees that a woman who's overcome all of the odds thrown at her after a severe stroke and now living with a traumatic brain injury with all of my health complications is the best way to live. This chronic pain, these migraines, this super stretched budget, all of these 'Not Yet's' surrounding me... I would have written it differently though. But He never asked my opinion on that.
But daily, I ask for God to open my eyes to ways that I can be His light. If I was being honest... I don't want this life. I KNOW my life is a miracle, but everything that has come with my life now post-stroke... It's hard to say that I'm grateful for the roller coaster. But I WANT to want it. I'm asking for ways of God showing me that what I have right now IS GOOD, and I wouldn't want what it is that I have thought God has been answering my prayers in the lives of my friends instead. So I'm choosing ways of making things intentional- with my family, my friends, my church, my job, what I spend my money on, etc. I'm seeking counseling and it has been incredible for me. Dawn has been like a prophetess in my life, being able to speak tenderly to me and I can hear the voice of the Lord when we are together. She has quickly earned my trust, and I am excited for what we are going to learn together in the coming weeks. I don't like talking, but with her, because she is so wise to discern and listen- it comes rather easily. She has a rare gift to be present and to truly hear. I've needed that. And I have a few key friends, that are patient with me and can remind me to just have fun and not be so serious all the time. I don't like serious Amy all that much, so it's nice when they encourage 'Silly Amy' to come out and play. I think that's why I like baby-sitting so much- because I get to be reminded of how carefree life can be! So, I joyfully rejoice with my friends who are getting married or having babies, because I can see God's outpouring of blessings in that for them. But I just know that for me, it is a 'Not Yet' answer. Not a No, but a 'Not Yet', for there are still things that I need to learn to appreciate about myself for any of that to happen for me yet. So for now, I am being intentional and trying to remain open for what God may be up to, even if I don't understand it all yet. And that is okay.
Love,
Amy Christine
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
Beginning to love and cherish ME
I turn 32 at the end of the month. This last week of December has always been something I've dreaded (and would rather just wake up after Christmas a year older and in a New Year) just because there is SO MUCH anticipation & hype from Hollywood about what those days are "to mean", and they never are, and I'm let down again, so I've stopped hoping for more. After 31 years, I'm stopping the cycle of secretly wishing for more, and being let down, yet again.
I've started to see a new counselor, Dawn. She's amazing. Today she had me in tears within 10 minutes. Crying is not the sign of a great counselor, but she has an almost prophetic gift. She has earned my trust, and I'm not afraid to open up to her, like I am most of the outside world. So today we discussed what has now become a personal challenge that I'm not going to back down from. (I've said it on here- so you get to hold me to it too!)
I've learned after trauma and trauma just to dig a hole deep and turn away from anything that might possibly be an outside resource to help me get out of what I'm currently in, which only in turn only feeds my depression. It's a MADDENING CYCLE, and I realize, it doesn't probably make any sense. I would strongly rebuke anyone for the self-talk I have with myself... but somehow think that I'm the exception, and it's somehow ok. It's not. I've put everyone else's needs far above my own for far too long now. It's exhausting to internalize my own projections of what others may think of me and have that fight internally in myself of "you're not doing it right" or "they are all confirming what they already think about you". I know those are lies. I try to rebuke them in Jesus name, and still, I'm tormented with that self-talk that kicks me while I'm down. I am my own worst enemy. I am not nice to myself, and wonder why anyone could ever be nice to me in return, ever.
I see myself only through the trauma's that have happened to me and the negative things around me, and have become a pessimist because I cannot imagine a life without the circumstances I am currently in. For WEEKS I have been angry and perplexed at God- "why didn't you hear my cries over the past 19+ months and give me a job where I could really give to others and not have to be so needy?" And now I see... this time is a gift. My needs, although tight, are provided for each day. Even with the CRAZY elimination diet's that my Russian doctor has me do (organic & practically Vegan and Gluten-Free and low sugar... yes, through the Holidays...) God has not abandoned me. He has given me the flexibility of a retail job to 1)provide for my daily needs and 2) still connect with some awesome people at my job, BUT 3) STILL very much need Him to intervene DAILY. I need Him to show me that actually, He is in charge and not a vending machine, where if I am "good enough" and "play by the rules" then He will give me what I have asked for. Who would have thought that my prayers would be answered by "not yet my Child". I've had some WACKED OUT MISPERCEPTIONS of who God is over the past 17+ years, and on the other side I always say to myself- "Really? You held that truth for how long? How was that serving anyone?" I have two Bible degree's but I'm so special still in how I sometimes view God. At the end of the day, He loves me just because He loves me. I don't have to earn it or deserve it. I love that I can keep coming back to that truth.
I read through the entire Bible a few weeks ago (well, the Jesus Storybook Bible for Kids) and I LOVE that they put God's love for us this way: "GOD LOVES US WITH A NEVER STOPPING, NEVER GIVING UP, UNBREAKING, ALWAYS". Even with two advanced degrees, I learned more about God in that book than I ever did in my classrooms. Because it was real truth that is meeting a raw heart ready to receive it finally. To change me. It's no longer about getting a degree or earning anything. So I'm not "starting over", but I'm giving myself permission to love me first. What I've been doing isn't changing anything, and I need to be whole before I can ever even entertain the idea of being in a relationship or really loving others well. I know that I need to learn how to love ME before I could ever really give anything away that’s genuine. So I'm calming myself down as everyone amps up around me for Christmas, and trying to remind them of the real reason for this season that we gather and celebrate. I am joyous this Christmas that HOPE was birthed. He has come. The one that never TIRES of my incessant whining delights in me. As is. And I am excited to throw off the conventions of the things around me that tell me I have to be or act --- way... Nope. So several of the things I thought I had already learned are coming back around. Self-care. Learning to listen to MY NEEDS (beyond just what I listen to for a headache). Saying that I AM worth it, from the food that I buy to how I take care of things that I own, etc. So this blog is morphing more into those insights. Of what I'm learning as I go.
Oh, and today's lesson at Zumba- I have the sculpted shoulders that could compete with a line-backer (they really are spectacular and I've done nothing). However, I also have the grace of a wild Rhino in a china shop. Always known this, but it was painfully clear tonight. So, I need to get out of my comfort zone and try new things... but with the grace of loved ones who will still love me even with that image.
This was another extremely long post (I'll try to post more often so they are not as lengthy in the future!) but here's to 2013 and my 32 years-- of learning to love and appreciate ME. Take care of me, and put my needs out there to be heard. To know that I am worth it. To learn to carry myself that way. And here is A SMALL BUT SO WORTHY SHOUT-OUT to my friends, family, and those around me that have already challenged me with these insightful thoughts and will continue to do so over the coming weeks. You don't know how MUCH that means to a weary soul like mine. Thank you for continuing to show me the love of Jesus in all that you do- with me, for me, and even in spite of me- know that it's appreciated. That is the hands and feet of Jesus in action. I learn from you all daily. Thank you! And with those lessons fresh on my heart, I am going to bed- for a day of beginning to settle into these new realities :)
Love,
Amy Christine
I've started to see a new counselor, Dawn. She's amazing. Today she had me in tears within 10 minutes. Crying is not the sign of a great counselor, but she has an almost prophetic gift. She has earned my trust, and I'm not afraid to open up to her, like I am most of the outside world. So today we discussed what has now become a personal challenge that I'm not going to back down from. (I've said it on here- so you get to hold me to it too!)
I've learned after trauma and trauma just to dig a hole deep and turn away from anything that might possibly be an outside resource to help me get out of what I'm currently in, which only in turn only feeds my depression. It's a MADDENING CYCLE, and I realize, it doesn't probably make any sense. I would strongly rebuke anyone for the self-talk I have with myself... but somehow think that I'm the exception, and it's somehow ok. It's not. I've put everyone else's needs far above my own for far too long now. It's exhausting to internalize my own projections of what others may think of me and have that fight internally in myself of "you're not doing it right" or "they are all confirming what they already think about you". I know those are lies. I try to rebuke them in Jesus name, and still, I'm tormented with that self-talk that kicks me while I'm down. I am my own worst enemy. I am not nice to myself, and wonder why anyone could ever be nice to me in return, ever.
I see myself only through the trauma's that have happened to me and the negative things around me, and have become a pessimist because I cannot imagine a life without the circumstances I am currently in. For WEEKS I have been angry and perplexed at God- "why didn't you hear my cries over the past 19+ months and give me a job where I could really give to others and not have to be so needy?" And now I see... this time is a gift. My needs, although tight, are provided for each day. Even with the CRAZY elimination diet's that my Russian doctor has me do (organic & practically Vegan and Gluten-Free and low sugar... yes, through the Holidays...) God has not abandoned me. He has given me the flexibility of a retail job to 1)provide for my daily needs and 2) still connect with some awesome people at my job, BUT 3) STILL very much need Him to intervene DAILY. I need Him to show me that actually, He is in charge and not a vending machine, where if I am "good enough" and "play by the rules" then He will give me what I have asked for. Who would have thought that my prayers would be answered by "not yet my Child". I've had some WACKED OUT MISPERCEPTIONS of who God is over the past 17+ years, and on the other side I always say to myself- "Really? You held that truth for how long? How was that serving anyone?" I have two Bible degree's but I'm so special still in how I sometimes view God. At the end of the day, He loves me just because He loves me. I don't have to earn it or deserve it. I love that I can keep coming back to that truth.
I read through the entire Bible a few weeks ago (well, the Jesus Storybook Bible for Kids) and I LOVE that they put God's love for us this way: "GOD LOVES US WITH A NEVER STOPPING, NEVER GIVING UP, UNBREAKING, ALWAYS". Even with two advanced degrees, I learned more about God in that book than I ever did in my classrooms. Because it was real truth that is meeting a raw heart ready to receive it finally. To change me. It's no longer about getting a degree or earning anything. So I'm not "starting over", but I'm giving myself permission to love me first. What I've been doing isn't changing anything, and I need to be whole before I can ever even entertain the idea of being in a relationship or really loving others well. I know that I need to learn how to love ME before I could ever really give anything away that’s genuine. So I'm calming myself down as everyone amps up around me for Christmas, and trying to remind them of the real reason for this season that we gather and celebrate. I am joyous this Christmas that HOPE was birthed. He has come. The one that never TIRES of my incessant whining delights in me. As is. And I am excited to throw off the conventions of the things around me that tell me I have to be or act --- way... Nope. So several of the things I thought I had already learned are coming back around. Self-care. Learning to listen to MY NEEDS (beyond just what I listen to for a headache). Saying that I AM worth it, from the food that I buy to how I take care of things that I own, etc. So this blog is morphing more into those insights. Of what I'm learning as I go.
Oh, and today's lesson at Zumba- I have the sculpted shoulders that could compete with a line-backer (they really are spectacular and I've done nothing). However, I also have the grace of a wild Rhino in a china shop. Always known this, but it was painfully clear tonight. So, I need to get out of my comfort zone and try new things... but with the grace of loved ones who will still love me even with that image.
This was another extremely long post (I'll try to post more often so they are not as lengthy in the future!) but here's to 2013 and my 32 years-- of learning to love and appreciate ME. Take care of me, and put my needs out there to be heard. To know that I am worth it. To learn to carry myself that way. And here is A SMALL BUT SO WORTHY SHOUT-OUT to my friends, family, and those around me that have already challenged me with these insightful thoughts and will continue to do so over the coming weeks. You don't know how MUCH that means to a weary soul like mine. Thank you for continuing to show me the love of Jesus in all that you do- with me, for me, and even in spite of me- know that it's appreciated. That is the hands and feet of Jesus in action. I learn from you all daily. Thank you! And with those lessons fresh on my heart, I am going to bed- for a day of beginning to settle into these new realities :)
Love,
Amy Christine
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Grieving & Accepting
It's been over 19 months of searching for, applying, interviewing, and following up for jobs. I've applied to several jobs that even in the descriptions for them, I could see myself being very good at them. However, none of them have panned out. At all. I want to be an advocate for others. I went through a medically traumatic event, and was told that I might not live, then it was doubts if I would walk again, let alone do several of the things that I have surpassed and accomplished. Going back to school and getting my master's degree was 'out of the question' for the medical professionals I saw at the time of my stroke. Being able to go back, re-learn how to learn, and graduate- that was really difficult, but I finished. I am proud of the things that I have overcome and surpassed the 'knowledge' of those who thought they knew my future :)
I believed God wanted to use my story and my degree to give others hope that they too could accomplish things that the medical community was telling them they could not now do. On the outside looking in, this seems bizarre as a calling, but it get's me fired up and wanting to work on behalf of others. However, after over 19 months of the process and seeming to go anywhere but forward, I have not lost hope, but I'm giving up the process of searching for a while. It's exhausting. My body cannot take it anymore. Maybe I'm just in the 'not yet' stage apparently.
One friend put it as it's almost 're-traumatizing' to stay in the process and never hear back. So I'm putting 'my search' on hold. Maybe I should have a long time ago. Other friends have pointed out that because this fall has been so hard on me physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and adjusting to learning this new diet, that 1) I probably wouldn't still have a job because no one would want to employ someone who's in bed 2-3 days a week with a migraine; 2)I've needed something 'lower stress' to adjust to this new lifestyle; and 3) having something as flexible as Starbucks, where I can ask a co-worker to cover and work later for them has been the perfect solution for these up and down days. So I'm grieving the loss of all the ideas of what I thought I knew about myself and God, and accepting that this is where I am. He has chosen to not heal me yet, and to not remove me from this place. Accepting that this very place is where God is most glorified, in my struggles and even in spite of them.
The sermon this last week at church was precisely about that topic, about how God spoke to the people of Israel in captivity to accept to this place of exile that they found themselves in during 587bc (Jeremiah 33). Jim called it the 587 moment. Through the combination of many friends advice and my own prayers, I'm holding off on searching for another job for awhile, and learning to let go of my anger at God for allowing different things in my life. I can't receive from Him if I'm really angry at him instead. I hate to even admit that, but it's the truth.
I talked with a good friend last evening some about this, and he pointed out Romans 9:20 (it was a divine conversation)"But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” I've had so many of those moments, about so many things. 'Why migraines and headaches? Why food allergies? Why the stroke and a TBI to now deal with? Why the sexual assault? Why several broken hearts and now living in the Midwest again? Why here? Why now?' I know I must sound like a whiney child, and grateful that he hasn't grown tired of my coming to him with these questions yet, but this verse served as a great reminder of my rightful position. I am not God. I do not understand His will. He has not forgotten me or made any mistakes. He will redeem all of this and even use it for His own glory. My counselor and I were talking yesterday about hating the winter, and she pointed out that even when it looks like nothing is going on, during the winter it is when the roots of the trees grow deeper, so it can withstand the wind and rains that come. So I am being obedient to the limited understanding I have of Him, and trying to remain open to where He might use me. All I know if for now, I surrender and I'm trying to remain moveable if He chooses to utilize me in that way. To all of that, I say Amen, and let it be. I'll try to be obedient.
Love,
Amy Christine
I believed God wanted to use my story and my degree to give others hope that they too could accomplish things that the medical community was telling them they could not now do. On the outside looking in, this seems bizarre as a calling, but it get's me fired up and wanting to work on behalf of others. However, after over 19 months of the process and seeming to go anywhere but forward, I have not lost hope, but I'm giving up the process of searching for a while. It's exhausting. My body cannot take it anymore. Maybe I'm just in the 'not yet' stage apparently.
One friend put it as it's almost 're-traumatizing' to stay in the process and never hear back. So I'm putting 'my search' on hold. Maybe I should have a long time ago. Other friends have pointed out that because this fall has been so hard on me physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and adjusting to learning this new diet, that 1) I probably wouldn't still have a job because no one would want to employ someone who's in bed 2-3 days a week with a migraine; 2)I've needed something 'lower stress' to adjust to this new lifestyle; and 3) having something as flexible as Starbucks, where I can ask a co-worker to cover and work later for them has been the perfect solution for these up and down days. So I'm grieving the loss of all the ideas of what I thought I knew about myself and God, and accepting that this is where I am. He has chosen to not heal me yet, and to not remove me from this place. Accepting that this very place is where God is most glorified, in my struggles and even in spite of them.
The sermon this last week at church was precisely about that topic, about how God spoke to the people of Israel in captivity to accept to this place of exile that they found themselves in during 587bc (Jeremiah 33). Jim called it the 587 moment. Through the combination of many friends advice and my own prayers, I'm holding off on searching for another job for awhile, and learning to let go of my anger at God for allowing different things in my life. I can't receive from Him if I'm really angry at him instead. I hate to even admit that, but it's the truth.
I talked with a good friend last evening some about this, and he pointed out Romans 9:20 (it was a divine conversation)"But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” I've had so many of those moments, about so many things. 'Why migraines and headaches? Why food allergies? Why the stroke and a TBI to now deal with? Why the sexual assault? Why several broken hearts and now living in the Midwest again? Why here? Why now?' I know I must sound like a whiney child, and grateful that he hasn't grown tired of my coming to him with these questions yet, but this verse served as a great reminder of my rightful position. I am not God. I do not understand His will. He has not forgotten me or made any mistakes. He will redeem all of this and even use it for His own glory. My counselor and I were talking yesterday about hating the winter, and she pointed out that even when it looks like nothing is going on, during the winter it is when the roots of the trees grow deeper, so it can withstand the wind and rains that come. So I am being obedient to the limited understanding I have of Him, and trying to remain open to where He might use me. All I know if for now, I surrender and I'm trying to remain moveable if He chooses to utilize me in that way. To all of that, I say Amen, and let it be. I'll try to be obedient.
Love,
Amy Christine
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Allergies
A week and a half ago I had some intense blood panel work done to see what I might be allergic to. I know I probably won't entirely get rid of my headaches, but if I could solve some of them with what I'm eating, then I wanted to at least try. If in a few months, I wasn't feeling any better, then we could try something else. I wasn't prepared for my answers today though. If it was a tumor- I could have dealt with that. This... the jury is still out. TBD. Up until an hour ago, I thought it was much worse than it actually was until my beautiful roommate (quite possibly the smartest woman I know) was able to explain the results to me. Brittany, you are amazing. FYI. In case you weren't already aware. If you need reminding ever, just knock on my door =)
Turns out that I'm allergic to Gluten (which I went Gluten-Free about 3 weeks ago), wheat (seems to go hand-in-hand with the Gluten), eggs, corn, and cow's milk. My mind immediately jumped to all of the things I cannot have any longer, and mourned for the holiday season and all of the things I would have to give up. Today hasn't been a good day, mentally or emotionally, for those aspects, because I've been in "the end-zone" of the 'I'm never again going to be able to____" or "I can't afford this, by any means" There has been a lot of grief. A lot of "are you kidding me right now?" and asking "So, now what?"
I'm getting a lot better at asking God that last one. There has been a lot of crap that has been thrown my way in recent years. It feels like a really rotten deal when I look at it objectively, or through the world's eyes. One more thing to deal with and manage. I know life happens to all of us and I'm not alone in that, but with the depression; headaches; PTSD; living again in the tundra that is the Mid-west and it's gray skies, bugs, humidity; trying to find a more manageable occupation... today just felt like a low-blow to add on to what I'm already trying to manage on an extremely small budget by American standards. And as some very wise people have told me "No, it's not fair. But God must have some really amazing things that He's preparing for you in spite of these circumstances" So that's my prayer each day. God, open my eyes. Help me be thankful that I could have the blood panels done and know some of the reasons that I feel the way I do, and meet the needs I have, financially and will-power mainly, to make this work. He knows I'm very weak in both areas and I can't do this without Him.
Maybe that's another reason why He has enlightened me to my allergies to these things. I'm scared. Because it's going to mean a radical shift in the way that I've done things. I guess that's a good thing- to be rid of what's toxic inside of you and replace it with things that are beneficial. I'm just OVER being a guinea pig. I have to do part of the cleanse while fighting a yeast infection I have all over my body with homeopathic dropper medication that I have to buy online. My body is too sensitive to typical "Western" medications... I love my doctor, but some of the random things she has me do just make me want to scream. So starting Monday, my beautiful friend Amanda is going to start this cleanse and elimination diet with me. The love she declared by saying she would do it with me speaks volumes. So Sunday will be our day to shop together (and I'll probably cry of frustration in the grocery store, I'll try to remember to bring my xanax in case)... But I will do this because I want to feel better. Because this isn't abundant life, and I know it's out there. I'll keep striving to eliminate a few of these things if it means I can live with less pain, because I've realized there will probably always be some to manage. And that's ok. I just need to find my own go-to: something I can still have AND want that is on the approved list. And any receipes, websites, or tips are appreciated in this time too :) I need them!! Thank you all for still reading along, with my valleys and mountain tops =) I know I write mostly about the valley's lately, but they ARE blessings intermixed, and I will keep that praise coming too!
Love,
Amy Christine
If you're curious, this is the diet we are about to do:
http://www.functionalmedicine.org/content_management/files/ifm_Comp_Elim_Diet_091503.pdf
Turns out that I'm allergic to Gluten (which I went Gluten-Free about 3 weeks ago), wheat (seems to go hand-in-hand with the Gluten), eggs, corn, and cow's milk. My mind immediately jumped to all of the things I cannot have any longer, and mourned for the holiday season and all of the things I would have to give up. Today hasn't been a good day, mentally or emotionally, for those aspects, because I've been in "the end-zone" of the 'I'm never again going to be able to____" or "I can't afford this, by any means" There has been a lot of grief. A lot of "are you kidding me right now?" and asking "So, now what?"
I'm getting a lot better at asking God that last one. There has been a lot of crap that has been thrown my way in recent years. It feels like a really rotten deal when I look at it objectively, or through the world's eyes. One more thing to deal with and manage. I know life happens to all of us and I'm not alone in that, but with the depression; headaches; PTSD; living again in the tundra that is the Mid-west and it's gray skies, bugs, humidity; trying to find a more manageable occupation... today just felt like a low-blow to add on to what I'm already trying to manage on an extremely small budget by American standards. And as some very wise people have told me "No, it's not fair. But God must have some really amazing things that He's preparing for you in spite of these circumstances" So that's my prayer each day. God, open my eyes. Help me be thankful that I could have the blood panels done and know some of the reasons that I feel the way I do, and meet the needs I have, financially and will-power mainly, to make this work. He knows I'm very weak in both areas and I can't do this without Him.
Maybe that's another reason why He has enlightened me to my allergies to these things. I'm scared. Because it's going to mean a radical shift in the way that I've done things. I guess that's a good thing- to be rid of what's toxic inside of you and replace it with things that are beneficial. I'm just OVER being a guinea pig. I have to do part of the cleanse while fighting a yeast infection I have all over my body with homeopathic dropper medication that I have to buy online. My body is too sensitive to typical "Western" medications... I love my doctor, but some of the random things she has me do just make me want to scream. So starting Monday, my beautiful friend Amanda is going to start this cleanse and elimination diet with me. The love she declared by saying she would do it with me speaks volumes. So Sunday will be our day to shop together (and I'll probably cry of frustration in the grocery store, I'll try to remember to bring my xanax in case)... But I will do this because I want to feel better. Because this isn't abundant life, and I know it's out there. I'll keep striving to eliminate a few of these things if it means I can live with less pain, because I've realized there will probably always be some to manage. And that's ok. I just need to find my own go-to: something I can still have AND want that is on the approved list. And any receipes, websites, or tips are appreciated in this time too :) I need them!! Thank you all for still reading along, with my valleys and mountain tops =) I know I write mostly about the valley's lately, but they ARE blessings intermixed, and I will keep that praise coming too!
Love,
Amy Christine
If you're curious, this is the diet we are about to do:
http://www.functionalmedicine.org/content_management/files/ifm_Comp_Elim_Diet_091503.pdf
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Beginning to be good to myself
I've ALWAYS tried to look for ways to bless other people. For almost 32 years, that's been what I've tried to be about. But when that is turned on me and putting my needs first, I stammer, I clam up, I feel awkward, I make excuses that I can't afford it, whatever. One of the very best things I learned at Seminary while getting my Master's degree in Counseling was that if I'm not in a healthy place, then I may not be "helping" anyway. Today has been ALL ABOUT self-care. I went shopping with my dear friend Sarah to use some of my gift-cards at the Outlet malls, and let myself buy cute clothes. I haven't bought clothes in YEARS unless they were at a thrift store. We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant, and I didn't think the entire time about my lack of funds. I went and had a massage (granted, yes, had a coupon). I went to a comedy show tonight with some friends from my house church. These are all great strides and diversions in forgetting my job-search or my doctors appointment this week to find out some test results (side note- don't appreciate VM's saying your doctor wants to see you about your results instead of just leaving them on your VM while at work on Friday evening. Awesome. Stew on that for the weekend).
I usually have no qualms about paying money for other people {within reason of course}. When it comes to my own health, I've paid my fair penny's in the last few years. However, to actually think of myself, my needs, what I want to do or would enjoy.... that is never on the agenda. Or budget. Today was a beginning of trying to reclaim a small segment of that for myself. Moving to downtown Indianapolis and basically starting over here in downtown Indy has been difficult. I make no claims to say it has been anything other than that. However, I'm learning some cheaper alternatives to begin to put myself first as I live here. To begin to turn that around. To start thinking of me included in the plan as an active voice and participant. It's sad that it's taken almost 32 years and a few close calls with death itself to start actually listening to my own voice. But I've begun to enjoy the time I spend with myself and discovering what I do have to bring to the table. I may have gone about it all in some atypical manners, but I don't really have any regrets about who I am today. I may have things that I would do over again or in another way, but I have a unique perspective to bring to the world, and I'm starting to catch a glimpse of just how God might want to use my voice and this/His story in light of His grand scheme here in Indianapolis. That gets me hyper with anticipation. But it starts with learning how to take care of me in the process. Tonight, I'm thankful for the gift of beginning to appreciate me. And with those thoughts, I am off to enjoy another beautiful hour of sleep tonight! Thank you for that present Sweet Baby Jesus =)
Love,
Amy Christine
I usually have no qualms about paying money for other people {within reason of course}. When it comes to my own health, I've paid my fair penny's in the last few years. However, to actually think of myself, my needs, what I want to do or would enjoy.... that is never on the agenda. Or budget. Today was a beginning of trying to reclaim a small segment of that for myself. Moving to downtown Indianapolis and basically starting over here in downtown Indy has been difficult. I make no claims to say it has been anything other than that. However, I'm learning some cheaper alternatives to begin to put myself first as I live here. To begin to turn that around. To start thinking of me included in the plan as an active voice and participant. It's sad that it's taken almost 32 years and a few close calls with death itself to start actually listening to my own voice. But I've begun to enjoy the time I spend with myself and discovering what I do have to bring to the table. I may have gone about it all in some atypical manners, but I don't really have any regrets about who I am today. I may have things that I would do over again or in another way, but I have a unique perspective to bring to the world, and I'm starting to catch a glimpse of just how God might want to use my voice and this/His story in light of His grand scheme here in Indianapolis. That gets me hyper with anticipation. But it starts with learning how to take care of me in the process. Tonight, I'm thankful for the gift of beginning to appreciate me. And with those thoughts, I am off to enjoy another beautiful hour of sleep tonight! Thank you for that present Sweet Baby Jesus =)
Love,
Amy Christine
Sunday, October 28, 2012
"Permission"
Ever since my stroke, I have acted like I didn't want it to happen to me, change my world, or what happen(s) to me. Partly because I don't really have any "outward" differences now, the people around me (and even myself) truth be told, "forget" that I'm different now. EVERYTHING takes energy from me. My counselor back in Colorado described it as I now have a checking account. Every day tasks, like showering, going to the grocery store, talking on the phone, etc- all "cost" something. But sleep "refuels" most people. That's not the case for me anymore. So, what might be considered debits of every day stuff for most people and they get to refuel each night with restful sleep, I no longer get that luxury.
I was reminded of this painful metaphor to explain the why's behind why I am so tired day after day, and without at least 8 hours of sleep a night, I can barely function. I met Heather for lunch the other day. Heather was in the hospital for a rare fungal infection last year about this time for 2 1/2 months. She too, almost died. I KNOW God has something incredible for her as well. We worked at Spring Hill camps in Michigan together several years ago, but now she lives in Carmel, IN. Looking at Heather, you would never know anything had happened. Praise God.
However, listening to her story, I was painfully remind of my own journey of recovery. What I often dismiss to "get on with life now". How I'm forever "different" now. I think because I've "healed" enough on the outside, it's often a forgotten idea. Not that I WANT sympathy or an excuse, but just an understanding that, when I get a migraine and I'm stuck in bed (which, I seem to be here like 2-3 times a week these days), that it's understood that I'm here because my brain can't handle all of the input of the world around me. Maybe all of the frequent migraines are my brains' response to all of the input. I HATE admitting that there are things I can't do. Especially for something I HAD NO CONTROL OVER. Something that other people can do. Seemingly effortlessly. I just CAN'T anymore. It takes SO MUCH effort just to do "the basics" of the day. Add in trying to find a more meaningful job, juggling doctors appointments and my health, dealing with all of the things that are basically keeping me afloat right now (like SSDI and Medicare), working out to take care of my physical body, going to the chiropractor, trying to plug in with my church (I'm doing the welcoming team and serving in the nursery), and sorting through new diets (right now I've gone gluten-free to see if that's the part of the reason for my migraines, at least something I can control)...
Much of my life right now seems misunderstood, and I'm tired of being looked at as though I could do more. Having a part-time job and keeping these balls organized and in the air is well, about all that I can handle. Although I desperately want a more fulfilling job that actually uses my master's degree in counseling, I'm afraid that if I actually had a less flexible job right now, I won't be able to handle days like today, when I'm stuck in my bed, yet again. Maybe these days in bed are partially a reminder that I don't have it all together yet. I probably never will. That I still have healing going on. That I still need to ask others to help me with the daily tasks of life. Trouble is, I'm REALLY independent, so I won't ask. Which makes it all the more hard. But I know that I need help with things since I'm barely making it right now. So if you're good at an area that you see me struggling in, ask if you could do it for me or with me. I won't ask probably, but I'll try to be gracious in letting you offer to help me with it.
I'm thankful that Heather voiced that the common things that others take for granted are things that put her down for a few days. I've wanted to pretend that I'm more healed than that, and yet, it's the best explanation to what's going on with me right now. So that conversation acted like much more of a catalyst and "permission" of sorts to explain the why's behind why I'm tired so often. Thank you Heather for giving me words to explain it all. You are a God-send in my life!
Love,
Amy Christine
I was reminded of this painful metaphor to explain the why's behind why I am so tired day after day, and without at least 8 hours of sleep a night, I can barely function. I met Heather for lunch the other day. Heather was in the hospital for a rare fungal infection last year about this time for 2 1/2 months. She too, almost died. I KNOW God has something incredible for her as well. We worked at Spring Hill camps in Michigan together several years ago, but now she lives in Carmel, IN. Looking at Heather, you would never know anything had happened. Praise God.
However, listening to her story, I was painfully remind of my own journey of recovery. What I often dismiss to "get on with life now". How I'm forever "different" now. I think because I've "healed" enough on the outside, it's often a forgotten idea. Not that I WANT sympathy or an excuse, but just an understanding that, when I get a migraine and I'm stuck in bed (which, I seem to be here like 2-3 times a week these days), that it's understood that I'm here because my brain can't handle all of the input of the world around me. Maybe all of the frequent migraines are my brains' response to all of the input. I HATE admitting that there are things I can't do. Especially for something I HAD NO CONTROL OVER. Something that other people can do. Seemingly effortlessly. I just CAN'T anymore. It takes SO MUCH effort just to do "the basics" of the day. Add in trying to find a more meaningful job, juggling doctors appointments and my health, dealing with all of the things that are basically keeping me afloat right now (like SSDI and Medicare), working out to take care of my physical body, going to the chiropractor, trying to plug in with my church (I'm doing the welcoming team and serving in the nursery), and sorting through new diets (right now I've gone gluten-free to see if that's the part of the reason for my migraines, at least something I can control)...
Much of my life right now seems misunderstood, and I'm tired of being looked at as though I could do more. Having a part-time job and keeping these balls organized and in the air is well, about all that I can handle. Although I desperately want a more fulfilling job that actually uses my master's degree in counseling, I'm afraid that if I actually had a less flexible job right now, I won't be able to handle days like today, when I'm stuck in my bed, yet again. Maybe these days in bed are partially a reminder that I don't have it all together yet. I probably never will. That I still have healing going on. That I still need to ask others to help me with the daily tasks of life. Trouble is, I'm REALLY independent, so I won't ask. Which makes it all the more hard. But I know that I need help with things since I'm barely making it right now. So if you're good at an area that you see me struggling in, ask if you could do it for me or with me. I won't ask probably, but I'll try to be gracious in letting you offer to help me with it.
I'm thankful that Heather voiced that the common things that others take for granted are things that put her down for a few days. I've wanted to pretend that I'm more healed than that, and yet, it's the best explanation to what's going on with me right now. So that conversation acted like much more of a catalyst and "permission" of sorts to explain the why's behind why I'm tired so often. Thank you Heather for giving me words to explain it all. You are a God-send in my life!
Love,
Amy Christine
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