Lessons learned from my facebook fast 2013

I had become all too dependent upon social media to both update me on the people I love lives, and to report my own happenings. However, for Lent, it became my discipline to just not turn to it- incoming or to go to it & post. At first, it was stupidly challenging. Thoughts came up like "But I wonder what _____ is doing today" or "Surely, I need to announce that I just ______". But like all things that you train yourself to do or not do, just like my taking on these silly diets for my health reasons or training for this 5k in a few weeks, you learn to live without and remind yourself that it's not an option.

I wasn't giving it up forever- it was 40 days (and just 5 years ago I didn't even have an account), but no one needs to know most of what I would have been posting anyway. There were certainly times that I just wanted to "cheat" and sign on to see what people were up to, post about a new fun gluten-free recipe that I perfected, my new and fabulous job (after praying and looking for 21 months!), starting to come out of this most recent ridiculous diet (hello fear- I'm now eating things and waiting to see if it gives me a headache... who does this voluntarily again?) or whatever I would post about before... I've learned that I can do without. Facebook is not my master. It serves its purpose and place in my life, but it's a place, not an idol, (which social media can EASILY slip into!) Just like any other fast, it was a choice and a discipline to not go to it, to abstain- and to do something more productive with my time. So I used that time to exercise and prepare myself for this 5k on April 13th (and my only goal is to not die. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the truth); to volunteer more (a therapeutic riding program for kids with disabilities, Riley Children's Hospital, and Common Ground Church with their children's ministry); to get to know the people in my house church better and more intentionally; to pray and learn to listen for God's voice; to become better at knitting (I finished a baby blanket for my niece in a month and it is so soft and cute!);
and to not WORRY and consume my thoughts with the stupid 'What If' lies that Satan SO EASILY creeps in and whispers to me. Don't incorrectly assume that this fast has made me so much more spiritual now and I totally have all of the answers and have become yoda or somehow enlightened... But I have seen some of the ways that I would unhealthily run and escape to facebook, in my fears as if facebook could do something about my insecurities, pains, fears, ponderings, or those times when you need just a good laugh or are missing my distant friends- not that any of those things are necessarily bad in and of themselves, but they had become an idol for me, where I would run to facebook before God if I'm getting really honest. I hate that- it's painful and ugly, and not what I want to be about or the life I want to lead. So I'm sticking with facebook even with all of it's flaws, but I no longer need it the way that I did before. I'll be on every couple days to update and such, but I wont let it consume me the way that it before. So continue to email, text and call me as those will still be primary. And as always, thanks for continuing to follow along with the roller coaster that is my life currently!
Love, Amy Christine

I love my job!

I just may be privileged enough to have one of the best jobs out there. Something I had KNOWN would be out there, and after what I would consider way too much time, pain, searching and waiting FOR OVER FOUR YEARS, I am now an Youth Advocate for youth with disabilities at a Non-Profit here in Indianapolis called accessABILITY. There are many days when I still have to make sure that this is actually reality and pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. I get the opportunity to advocate and teach people under 25 life skills- anything from cooking to finding a job. This could be becoming more independent within their own home with their parents (most likely) or possibly assisting someone in college or just finishing high school find accessible housing, a job, etc.

I told my executive director this last week that I think that by learning to advocate for others... that I'm actually going to learn to be such a better advocate for myself. That excites me and terrifies me at the same time. My direct boss showed me the curriculum that we will be using with the high school youth, and this is an excerpt:
“I am a unique and special person. I
am doing the best I can. If others put
me down I need to remember that I’m
OK…no matter what anyone else
thinks. I do not have to prove myself to
anyone. If I make a mistake that
doesn’t make me a bad person; it only
proves that I am human. I can make
good decisions for myself and take
responsibility of the results. I am
great.” -Riley Hospital Self Esteem Pledge

Tears welled up in my eyes when I read that statement. I get to FIGHT for others who cannot speak up for themselves or may not know how. I get to teach them, and show them how. But most of it comes by embracing what makes them unique and no one else could do. That's thrilling and terrifying when you stand back and think about it really. I've lived for 30+ years not knowing how to make good boundaries for myself, and since receiving my masters in counseling but then having some terrible things happen to me personally, I've retreated into myself for fear of getting hurt further. But now, with making decisions to getting myself to a healthier place personally in most areas- spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially, relationally... I'm trying to remain open to whatever may come. I've hid in fear and pain for far too long, locked behind a door of unknowns caging me in. I was talking at working to someone who even had made the comment "most people just don't get it. But I know that you do. You have really been to the depths and wrestled with some hard questions. You might not have all the answers yet, but you allow people to just sit where they are, while maybe challenging a thought or two, but simply listening to them and their struggles..." If anything, after the past 4 years, I have more questions. I don't have any conclusions- actually they usually detract, distract, and discount what's really going on actually. So my thoughts 4 years later... I'm wiser. I have perseverance. I wouldn't do anything of the last 4 years over per se... but I wouldn't take it away either now. I've become stronger. I couldn't say that about the Amy at 28. So now I get to do my dream job- combining my degree and my personal experience to somehow fight for the rights of others. And we'll see what that actually looks like once I'm out of training in a few weeks :) But I could be happier doing what I love and being on this journey right now!
Love,
Amy Christine

"I can't even tell"

Apparently, I worship a God who is a show-off. I always believed in that truth for others... but doubt it when it comes time to believe it for me. I had one of the best doctors appointments ever this morning. I think I see a doctor for SOMETHING like once a week. That makes me want to vomit. But I digress. I have been waiting to see this particular new neurologist for 8 MONTHS. Talk about anticipation. He showed me the scans I had on file from the Stroke (2009) and from this fall (2012) and although you can still see the stroke's effect on my cerebellum in both hemisphere's, he was amazed that it was the same person sitting next to him in his office. He told me that someone with a scan like that, with that kind of damage, SHOULD BE IN A WHEELCHAIR. He even made the comment to the resident intern in the room with us "I really can't tell by her gait (walk) that there was ANY NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE". Um, what? I've been told for 4 years that I'm NOT NORMAL, and you're now implying that I am. Can you tell that to those others doctors who have doubted me please? Please, SHOUT THAT LOUDER.

If you only KNEW the lies and attacks that come with a TBI, migraines, joint pain, these constant headaches- I don't know what a life without pain would even look like. I can't even fathom that. But for you sir, who are a trained professional in this field, to have gone to school and have years of experience in this field, to say that... Tears. Unspeakable Joy. Relief. Not only has my hard work paid off, BUT HE HAS DONE A MIRACLE IN MY LIFE! HE REALLY IS A GOD WHO REDEEMS AND MAKES ALL THINGS NEW!? That isn't just something I can say, but now my life IS A LIVING TESTIMONY OF THAT! For my friends who aren't believers yet, that's fine and I love you, but I can't make sense of some of the things that have happened to me and God has literally done something else entirely with them. The evidence is too clear, and I'm not going to get into a theological debate at all with anyone (for we're all entitled to our own beliefs), but faith in the GOD WHO IS IN THE BUSINESS OF RESTORING ALL THINGS IS WHERE I AM PUTTING MY TRUST! These things don't make sense, even to the medical community. I'm beyond pumped today, to go to work and make coffee- for I have hope again. Hope that there will be a day. And that God is doing something big- in me, through me, and even in spite of me. So keep doing it Lord. I don't like the process but the stunned look from professionals is totally worth it. So keep doing what you do best.

Love, Amy Christine

Grateful

4 years ago my brain exploded. That word is so graphic, and I would cringe when my Dean of students would use it when referring to how my brain was now different after my stroke on 2/25/2009. I didn't like it because it was so graphic, but when you look at the situation, that is what happened. My brain exploded. There were probably many reasons leading up to my stroke (my obscene caffeine intake working at Starbucks, my perfectionist tendencies and the stress around me being in graduate school with constant headaches were only 3 that I can think of 'non-medically'). I'm not to the point where I can say 'Happy Anniversary', because although I am grateful for God intervening that fateful day and using it to make me into the person before you today, I'm not necessarily happy for it. Grateful, yes. Happy, no. Thankful to not be the person that I was before the stroke- so naive and having God in a box, trying to go overseas to do something with Sex-Trafficking... Not that those things aren't still important to me, but I feel a new burden State-side to work with people with a disability. This population is hard to reach because they are so defensive and many can approach life from a victim mentality. I know, because I have been there myself. Discounted and told all of the things you CANNOT do. And you believe the lies because they are coming from 'professionals'... after all, they went to school for this.

I am grateful that God saw a plan much bigger than myself or my desires, my needs, and cared more about reaching this population and wanted to use me first hand in telling them about the Hope and Redemption that only He can offer. He wanted me to have the knowledge of living out those trials myself first hand, AND getting a degree to help me on the more professional side of things. I have both. This is not how I would have done things... but there's a lot of responsibility that also comes with being God, so I'm just accepting that which is now. Yet, I'm also trying in many avenues to make the current me and future me better- in my health, spiritually, medically, physically, educationally, relationally, emotionally- in all of those areas I am pushing myself to grow and trying to surround myself with people that will help me to grow, even if it isn't "comfortable" (I mean, really- who likes to work out and train for a 5k?)

I very much am in this "not yet" season of life... I don't have yet the things that I thought I should have, but I'm not whining because I still believe they are coming. There are lessons I have to learn about myself and life before God can trust me with them. And I'm getting to a place when I can say that it's ok. You may have noticed a different 'Tone' in my blog lately. It's not a 'giving up' tone, but a grateful tone of becoming more thankful, even for small silly things. I am thankful that God is teaching me more about life and how to be thankful for the smaller things that turns out, aren't so insignificant after all. I'm doing the "Joy-Dare" (http://onethousandgifts.com/) by Ann Voskamp, and she challenges you to look at the life around you and each day, be thankful for 3 things, which usually seem insignificant at the time. 3 things that are white; 3 things- from your pantry, your kitchen, your bathroom; 3 things that are tin, wood, and glass- and I am finding that giving thanks for these smaller things is making me grateful for the things that are not yet. I'm needing to be in a place where I can actually receive the things that I have prayed for and to not see God as this omniscient vending machine- that if I just do these things a certain way, he'll reward me with what I have prayed for. Those things are blessings to help me on my journey, not destinations in and of themselves (as I could have been tempted to see them before if I'm being honest).

Thanks for continuing to follow my journey even 4 years later. It means a lot to know I still have people who love me and are reaching out, even in this 'Not Yet' space that I am in. I'm amazed at the person that stands before you today, and never would have thought this would be my journey. But I am thankful for where life has brought me and the lessons that I have learned along the way.
Love,
Amy Christine

A new job, and reflections on the last 4 years :)

I am so beyond excited to start MY NEW JOB! After over 21 months of the searching, interviewing, following up, dreaming and then getting let down in the process, I HAVE A BIG KID JOB! I will be the newest addition to the Access Ability staff helping to teach disabled youth life skills. Although I was 28 when I had my stroke, having to re-learn every day tasks like walking, swallowing, and speech are universal and really don't matter about age. They are humbling to relearn at any age really. I believe the job will be helping disabled youth learn more life skills like laundry and cooking, which again, I had to re-learn over the course of the last 4 years as well.

One thing that they asked me in the interview (and is still yet unknown to me) is how I'm going to align with a client with a more outward disability that I can personally relate to their disability, even though mine is not "apparent" when you first meet me or interact with me. My honest answer was "I don't know yet". I don't know if I can say without a doubt "this is my answer of how I will approach all clients" because they are still an individual person, disability or no. On many levels, especially with my 4th year anniversary this Sunday and a currently the up and downs of these stupid headaches (this time because of the weather changes this week)... I wish on so many levels I did not have chronic pain or the stroke and it's effects on my life to manage as well. It's debilitating to say the least and very few people can even fathom what it's like to live with a TBI, chronic pains, the aftermath(s) of multiple traumas, mental health issues that cannot be battled with medications, or living at a fraction of the poverty level. I know there are several of my friends that deal with one or two of these, but all of them combined make me feel like a hot mess and a burden. However, I've had to stand back and consider myself BLESSED for these things to manage. Apparently there is someone that wants to walk with me THROUGH these things. He even wants TO USE ME THROUGH THEM. Although I hate that on many levels, it does comfort me to know that I have a Comforter that promises to be WITH ME through it all. I would not have the level of compassion that I have nor the desire to work with kids with disabilities IF IT WAS NOT FOR THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME. There is a line in a song that has been on repeat in my head lately that says "YOU WORK ALL THINGS, TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD"... which honestly, is BAFFLING. I am still astonished that God not only ALLOWED these things to happen to me, and HE WILL USE THEM FOR GOOD IN MY LIFE. All of them. I don't want to deal with them, I would much rather attempt to "clean" myself up to then be used... but apparently that is not His plan.

So I start this new job on March 4. This sounds like an amazing opportunity to walk beside kids under 25 to speak hope into their lives and remind them that even WITH their disability that there is a plan. They can still do what they or others around them deam "impossible"... That was honestly one of my favorite things to hear from others and THEN prove them wrong. Walking, talking, swallowing, going back and completing my masters degree, driving again, living independently... I've heard the gamet- from the medical community and others 'who thought they knew what they were talking about', and yet, silenced the speakers by accomplishing what they said I could not do. So, on my 4th anniversary this weekend, I thank them. Thanks for doubting my abilities so that God could instead have the glory for doing what you had deemed impossible. Thank you. Thanks for allowing God to show up and do what He does best in my life, and being silenced instead. He knows best. Even in choosing me to live THIS WAY and have compassion and personal empathy with those that the world might discard and tell them that they cannot _____. I am excited to instead speak hope into their lives and be a different voice, one of a different tone. I consider it a blessing. This job is going to challenge so many things about my life, but I am so excited for that growth! What an honor 4 years after my own stroke for me to have this kind of job working with others in a like position to attempt to navigate life together. So these are my thoughts as I have my 4th anniversary and start this new job!
Love, Amy Christine

Hello again Memory!!

My memory. It's a very, very puzzling thing to live life, but not really be able to recall it, like many of the people I'm surrounded by. That's not a pity party for myself, I've just accepted this as the way I'm wired now. The fact I passed my comp's in May 2011 (an exam over the entirety of ALL of my grad school classes in one day, like 25 books and 12 classes and multiple weeks of preparation) continues to be testimony to God ALONE who allowed me to pass that. Actually, MOST of the last almost 4 years have been a testimony to His Grace. Even my chronic pain(s) now continue to allow me to keep things in proper perspective that I'm broken, finite, and have allowed me to become even more compassionate with those who also suffer with hidden or undiagnosed illnesses. Anywhoo...

So today at Starbucks two amazing events happened. For someone without memory problems or a TBI, this may not be a big deal, but I'm still BEAMING from what happened! First scenario, a customer walked in that I had been introduced to several days ago, and I still remembered his name and what drink we had been trying to get him to try, and those were my FIRST words out to him. Even as the words left my mouth I simply smiled at God with a smirk and said [in my mind] THANK YOU FOR THAT JESUS!? Second: About an hour later, a regular customer at my old store walked in to my new store, and even without having seen him IN MONTHS, I remembered his name! 2 years ago I could remember my breakfast. Today I could remember a man from months ago. That customer couldn't remember my name, and then said "Wow, I'm really impressed that you remembered me! You must be good with remembering people" ...If YOU ONLY KNEW DUDE. Funny thing about that... but I kept my mouth shut for today, and maybe someday I'll say something if the time is right.

However, today it was just a smile between God and I. About where I've come and what HE has now allowed me to do. I WOULD NOT HAVE CHOSEN ANY OF THESE OBSTACLES THAT I HAVE HAD TO ENDURE FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS! You have to be kidding me. My life is better than a soap opera. So, I may not be curing cancer with my work. I make coffee and I babysit kids. I certainly didn't think that 8 months later, I would still be at Starbucks. However, it's a good job for now. And it allows me to connect with people that I may not be able to if I was working someplace else (where I might actually have to utilize my degree and education for my work with my clients). And that's ok. For now, God is providing, and little glimmers like today remind me again that He is GOOD. He has the best plan laid out for me. For months now, I've been kicking and screaming about where I am. ("But why haven't you answered my prayers for______" like a whiny 3 year old) Recently, I've calmed down and accepted it. He hasn't provided a way out of this. So apparently HERE is right where He wants me. A temper-tantrum only tires me out when I don't really have extra energy and/or resources to spare. So I've accepted it and asked for things to remind me that He is still here with me. Not in a 'giving up' manner, but rather in an acceptance of what I DO have. And it may not be what people around me have- of monetary wealth or families of their own, but I am blessed. It just may not be on the same time-table as others. My worth does not come from others though. At the end of this life, they aren't the ones I will give an account to. So for now, I continue to ask for the grace to make it through another day, to be a blessing to those around me, to offer hope to those who need it, to remind them of His grace and redemption, and to be an agent of change somehow in their lives. Even if it's 'just coffee'. Turns out it can be so much more, and I'm thankful for those days like today to remind me that I am blessed, even right now. A to the men.
Love, Amy Christine

A way to see in the dark

My pain. It's a constant. It's something that I've simply tried to accept, even with ALL OF THE MONEY and things I've tried to a) make it disappear b) lessen in intensity and frequency. I smile so often because I hate to talk about, and hope that this will just leave people believing all is well with me instead. Those who really know me no longer believe this, and know it's part of my "pretend all is well game". Migraines and daily headaches have been with me for 12+ years. I lamented online earlier this week about this, and a super wise friend who has suffered for 13 years pointed out that if it WASN'T for my chronic pain, I would not know the depths that others can suffer themselves. It's opened me up to a level of compassion and empathy for others that can't be faked. I have become SO MUCH more understanding of other's who deal with chronic pain. It's an empathy that really only can come from dealing with that refining fire yourself.

This is NOT something I would have asked for (but, then again, do we ever ASK for things that are hard?) God has been, and continues to be glorified, through this. It's all I can ask from it really. I've asked for healing and somehow a "cure"... and I still sit here, 12+ years later. Nothing has changed other than they have grown more intense (much more even post-stroke), and I've grown weary and tired with trying thing after thing that makes me think that they could really be gone. And yet... they are still here. No cure or miraculous healing yet. Daily headaches and migraines a couple of times a week. Fear with any "abnormal" one's since that is how my stroke presented itself, and I try not to give in to the hysterics that can overwhelm in the moment of "It's going to happen again". I've almost become a paranoid hypochondriac. Some might say for good reason, but others might call me looney. So I stay hidden in my cocoon and avoid talking about my pain or fears, and burrow my head further into despair. I've lost the hope that things might actually get better, and yet, it just makes me yearn for my glorified body. A world with tears, pain, or fears. It is coming. And to that hope I cling.

I've recently become mildly obsessed with a song writer named Jason Gray. He is real, authentic, and expresses what I'm dying to scream through his music. It's somewhat creepy and erie how right on he has been. I have listened to this album on constant repeat in my car, with many of the songs becoming anthems that I sing out to Jesus (it's a good thing I usually drive alone!) Somehow the words seem somewhat more removed since they were 'authored' by someone else, regardless of how they capture my own emotions. There is one song in particular (video and lyrics below) that has just resonated with me lately. It makes me tear up most of the time. Because of it's honesty. I know there will be a day when I'm not stuck in this valley, but for now, these words just come from a deep place of hurt within and have become my prayer back to God. I almost forget days without deep heartache and chronic pain, and of restful sleep and a more fulfilling job. Most of my days now are filled with creatively dreaming about how to make the most of the meagerness I have currently, and longing for a world without my present circumstances.

I told my pastor last week that I'm coming to accept that God has placed me here in Indiana. I've asked for something different- a different location, job, life... and yet, He hasn't opened the avenues to get me anywhere else. So, I'm doing the "Joy Dare" by Ann Voskamp (Her Book: 1000 Gifts; http://www.aholyexperience.com/joy-dares/) to become grateful for the life I have RIGHT NOW. Not my dreams. Not my wants. My right now. It's been GREAT. 3 times a day she asks you to ask the Lord for 3 gifts/insights, and then I journal at night about what I see around me from that. It's been amazing. From the outside, this isn't even the part of the city that I wanted to be in. This is NOT the life I would have chosen or written. At All. And yet, I'm here in my house until the end of July. So, Lord, show me things THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME that I can praise you for. Amen.

So the song below is the song "Without Running Away" by Jason Gray. Many days, to be honest, I WANT TO BOLT FROM THIS PLACE. As if all of my problems are because I am residing in Indianapolis. False. This song depicts the internal battle for me well right now. The pain. The anger. The searching for meaning in a world that simply doesn't make a lot of sense to me anymore. Maybe it never has. And that's ok.



I've spent some days looking
For a length of rope
And a place to hang it
From the end of my hope
Where I thought hope had ended
I always find a little bit more

It's not like I'm trying
To be optimistic
If the truth be told
I'd rather dismiss it
Be free of the burden
Of living that hoping requires

To bring my heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away

Jesus is speaking
But it's so hard to hear
When disciples with swords
Are cutting off ears
Broken and bleeding
Waiting for healing to come

But wounded's a part
That I've learn to play well
But the wound may run deeper
Than I know how to tell
Where pain's an addiction
That keeps me buried alive
When it's all that I know
I'm afraid to leave it behind

And bring my heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away

My heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not lifted up
But calm and quiet is my soul
Like a child with it's mother is my soul

After a while in the dark
Your eyes will adjust
And the shadows you'll find
A hand you can trust
The still small voice
That calls like the rising sun

Come, bring your heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
You must run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away