Starting to become more of an introvert

Today we had a huge downing house picnic and got to put the name of a lot of people that I've heard of with their faces. Then I went to city park to meet my old PT and hear "Jazz in the park". I used to be an off the charts extrovert, and now- people just tax me and take energy that I don't have. That totally didn't used to be me, and it's hard for me to say "I need to go home and go to bed" because I want to be with the people- I just don't have the mental energy to be there with them anymore. That feels selfish to me, especially since I'm going to school for counseling but I've been realizing, if I'm not healthy and putting me first- then I won't be able to concentrate on my clients or their issues, so in a back-handed sort of way, it's for my career as a helping professional to learn to take care of me as I journey through school. Friends of mine have asked- is this 'fatigue' thing new? No, I think it's been there since the stroke, but I'm just learning the words to put with the feeling. For so many years I just pushed through my migraine pain because of school or whatever, but I'm learning to live with a brain injury is totally different, and as I get this degree, I not only want to apply the classroom learning but the life learning that comes along with it to how I live out my personal life. So, no, it's not new, I'm just learning to put the words that I've been learning about into practice in my own life. The fancy term for it is 'self-care', and that's never been something I've been good at, but it's something I want to get better at. So taking a lighter load with courses and really applying myself in my courses is important for me. And those are my thoughts for this evening. And I'm going to apply this to my life by going to bed now! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Reflections after meeting with Jolene and unpacking

I met with my wonderful counselor earlier this week, Jolene, and every time, she just kicks me in the butt. In a good and healthy way. In a way I can receive it, hear the words, apply the message, and have it make sense. It's so great to be with someone who GETS IT (the brain injury thing) and I don't have to work at explaining why I haven't been drinking but I'm slurring my words at 3pm in the afternoon. She's also had a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and is single later in life, so we just get each others mindset in a lot of ways. It's really refreshing to have her explain her perspective and take on me before my stroke and what it is like being in my presence now. It's incredibly validating to have someone else notice the leaps and bounds of progress I'm (trying and attempting) to make along this journey. We both agree that this Amy has always been here, but a lot of the defense mechanisms that I used to use with other people to have them agree with me or try to outsmart them are diminished now, so I get easily flustered and frustrated. This typically happens when I can't get someone to follow my logic to see why they are in the wrong or why my way of doing something is easier or better for example. Take anything that a normal person does: it takes me twice as long to do. Take that book that you read before bed last night- twice as long. That paper- also twice or three times as long. I'm incredibly grateful to still be here, but when I get honest, I don't even want a remedy or a healing- I just want a cure, as if this hadn't had happened at all. It's so incredibly frustrating to have to sleep so much, fail tests in school, be pushed aside by friends, and deal with so much red tape and pain on a daily basis and then looked at like no one understands because they don't. It's incredibly isolating, especially alone. Not that having someone else with me here would make this easier, but at least there would be someone else in the process to go through it with me.

I unpacked some stuff last night from a challenge Jolene gave me, and since I had lived out of boxes for over a year, I really didn't think it had much merit. I was wrong. My head can think better. I actually have a place where I can come back to and call HOME. It's been 17 MONTHS since I could say that. Gosh, I've missed that feeling. She was right. I needed to unpack some things and actually have a place to come back and write papers and BE MYSELF at. Pictures and stuff aren't fully up yet, but I purchased the stuff today and I'm hoping to do that tomorrow after I help throw a baby shower for my friend Tara and read for a class.

love,

Amy Christine

Stupid Fatigue

When I get honest, the hardest thing for me to grapple with right now is finding the balance between being a diligent student and what God has called of me in that arena, and learning to take the cues from my body- which has NEVER been my strong suit. Ever. For years, I've just pushed through the pain of my migraines and said- oh well that I have pain- I have __ test or __ paper to write, so that needs to come first as a priority. In learning to take care of myself and as our school's program has deemed it "self-care"- I need to be able to read my body and take a nap (and not feel guilty) when I need the rest. That is incredibly beyond humbling for me because of the 1000 other things that I should be doing instead eat at me while I try and lay down and it is incredibly frustrating. To try and turn your over-active brain off to sleep in the middle of the afternoon because your body is just craving sleep because of over-stimulation is beyond difficult. Now that I'm not drinking caffeine (headache specialist's orders) it has become all the more important to learn to read those cues. I just got up from a nap when I should have been studying for a theology final (which I need to be studying for now and take this evening) and trying to push those thoughts of not doing the right thing by sleeping this afternoon is so hard. This trying to live in the balance and find this path in the tension on my own in the dark is so incredibly hard and I wish there were words to better describe what it has been like. Frustrating and difficult start to come close but aren't quite there.

I've gone to a support group on Tuesday nights of other Young Stroke Survivors (20-40's) and I've loved going, but I'm humbled that I'm one of the better progressed survivors there without anything visible from the outside that anything is wrong. Last week I admitted to them that I wanted a wheelchair or a "flag" that would make people know that something is different about her. Not having a flag is something that I daily have to contend with in struggling to let others know what is going on with me or what is different about me now. Just another thing to add to the list of things that are different about me now, and I'm learning to be OK with that. This is the New Me, take it or leave it- it can't easily change anymore.

Brain Map, Decisions, and maybe moving back to the Midwest?

I had a map of my brain, an EEG, done with a Naturalist a few weeks ago. I got back her results yesterday and read them during a break in my class today. It was really interesting, and I was shocked that she could tell that much about me just by what certain waves were or weren't doing in my brain. One thing I have certainly learned firsthand in the last year is that the brain is an incredible organ, and for only using about 10% of it, we don't know very much yet. Which leads me to another thing that I have been considering- what to do from here. The Naturalist (Dr. Alba) has been having me take some natural supplements, which are really expensive, and I haven't felt much different on them. I went to see this naturalist, and I feel really comfortable with her (I feel like she has been reading my mail- she knows so much about me already!), but I really like the chiropractors that I went to see too. I don't have enough money in my "HSA" to do both, which they are about the same amount- if I was to continue with the naturalist Neuro-integration work from here or continue seeing the chiropractors. The Chiropractors were really interesting- they don't do the "normal" chiropractic work- like bone cracking- on their patients, but Network Spinal Analysis (which is more holistic). They are quite a ways away from me (about 30 minutes one way), so either option has its positive and negatives. My mom made a great point a few weeks ago- so I'm trying them each one by one and then seeing if I notice an improvement or change. So far, I haven't really. Although the super-restricted diet has made my migraines less intense and less frequent than normal, I still have them (now about every two weeks instead), and still have my daily headaches.

Moving back to the Downing House has been great- and I have really missed this community of believers here. My one house-mate went on vacation for over a week, so I have the place to myself, and I'm loving it. Although I've been having to get up early, the time to be by myself has been replenishing me. Since the stroke I'm a lot more at peace being alone, which before the stroke, I would do anything to not be alone. Even my counselor, Jolene, has said that one of the blessings to come out of the stroke is me coming to terms with my limits in a healthy manner and learning to take care of myself in the process. This next semester of school I'm going to create a learning contract focused on learn self-care as I finish my degree.

I'd like to get a new computer. The one I have I bought in October online, and I thought it was the one I had been checking out in the store. Since I didn't have my drivers license back yet, I ordered it online to not have to ask anyone to take me up to the store. It wasn't the same one, and it is huge, bulky, and heavy to lug to school and back everyday. They only take returns for 14 days, so now I'm stuck with it since it's the end of June. So I think I'm going to get a different and not as heavy one, but I think I'm going to have to get random jobs or something over the summer to pay for it (because although I have money tucked away in savings, a new computer probably wouldn't be a wise move at this point unfortunately).

I want to be closer to my family as they grow older and I hate the idea of my sister having to care for my parents as they age with just her and my brother-in-law. I'd also like to be around to see my niece's or nephews (no- Kelli's not pregnant), but with time, I'd like to be closer. I'm having to weigh my options of dealing with worse allergies, handling the humidity, not having the majestic mountain view around me all the time, but being closer to my family. If I'd be honest with myself, there's really not much that is keeping me out here besides my school. If I would drop out now, I'd have to start again in the new program (which would be more work) and Vocational Rehabilitation wouldn't be paying for it- so since I'm 75% done, I've decided to finish and I'll be done in May, even if I'm not sure of how I'll use it (or even if I will, formally) yet. Colorado hasn't really been what I thought it was going to be- God called me here, and then my best friend's child died during childbirth, the church plant was really hard on me, I started graduate school, had a stroke, had to fight to get my independence back, and everything seems to be up in the air again 5 years later. I've made some great friendships and grown a lot, but it hasn't been easy on me by any stretch of the imagination. So I'm considering moving back to Indianapolis after graduation in May. There are a lot of factors surrounding my decision, but I wouldn't have to re-learn another city since I lived there after college. I still have a few acquaintances that live there, so I wouldn't really have to start over as much as if I moved to a random place for a job or something. Again, LOT'S of decisions in my life right now, from doctors, to where and what to do after graduation, maybe a new computer, and everything in between. I'm coming to grips that it's the way my life goes, and I'm slowly coming to terms with that fact. I'm learning that's just life :) And those are my random thoughts for the evening! Thanks for continuing to follow my progress and story!
Love,
Amy Christine

I'm tired

I'm simply tired. I'm tired of pursuing my friends and getting no response- un-returned emails, voicemails, texts... I just don't have that much energy to give anyway, so when it goes un-returned, it makes me feel even more rejected and alone- which let's be honest, is the last thing I need right now. So I'm using that time instead to focus on my studies, unpack more boxes, and settle back in to the Downing House. It's great being back- I've really missed this community of people and believers- they're so wonderful and supportive through everything! It still adds up to more change and ambiguity through it all though. I miss the family I was living with, but I know we'll still see each other.

My neurologist is re-submitting more paperwork to the Mayo Clinic to try and get me in there, but it feels like a long shot. I see a headache specialist here in Denver in a few weeks, so it's not that I'm putting all of my eggs in that basket, but at least she specializes in these. I got another message yesterday (we've been playing phone tag for almost a month) with the driving department here at Craig Hospital- and I'll probably have to wait until August to get that last restriction (driving at night) taken off of my license. Trying to not be bitter about waiting another 2 MONTHS when I've already had to wait a year and a half (for the convenience of others in the driving dept to not have to come into work at 9pm)- but this whole process just seems silly! I know there has to be a silver lining in this situation somehow, it's just hard to see right now. My friend Sheri (from the family I was living with) has started to do a gratitude journal, and I think I'm going to start one as well to not get negative about these sucky things that keep happening to me. There's a lot to be thankful for, and I need to focus on that instead through it all.
Love,
Amy Christine

Young, Enthusiastic, Stroke Survivors

Tonight, I went to a stroke survivor support group with Tara Swanson - and they had to ask- "which of you is the survivor'? It's a good and bad thing that from the outset- you wouldn't know that I have any sort of impairment. I have much to be thankful for, that's for sure. For all of the frustrations that I've gone through in the last 16 months, it's nice to know it's not obvious from the outward like some other people in the group- which I guess could be good and bad. Sometimes I want the limp or the chair just so others would know that there is something different about me- but other times, I kind-of like the anonymity. It was a bitter-sweet night with them, but I think we'll go back again in two weeks when they meet again.
Love,
Amy Christine

Wrestling...

I'm at such a cross-roads of belief, searching, not knowing what to do after I graduate in a year, if I'll even use this degree in any sort of capacity (but if I don't finish it now, I'd have to do the new program which is more work), where I'll even be living- everything is just up in the air and open for debate. The doctors said I would probably never return to graduate school- and I was back within 6 months. They didn't realize how stubborn I was, and how badly I wanted to finish my degree that I was over halfway done with. So not only have I had to fight to get "normal functioning" back (swallowing, walking, talking, etc), but now I'm fighting to finish my degree (which I have no idea how I'll use in the end now), fighting to comprehend my readings and studying- all of the things that used to come so second nature to me in this program. Not that it was ever easy by any stretch, but it just takes sooo much more work now. I hate having to use my "accommodations" on my account (extra time on papers, tests, etc)- because I'm in graduate school and should be able to do this. Even for someone without a TBI, the reading is incredibly dense and a lot to wade through. I think those voices that I can't handle it are just attacks of the Enemy wanting me to give up, but it's so hard and discouraging when it doesn't come easy to me anymore. So not only am I having to re-acclimate to a place I lived earlier this year and new apartment-mates, being back in the classroom for this Theology class, living sudo-independently again, learning about my new internship- but my whole life and future seems to be up in the air too. My life currently gives new meaning to wrestling and figuring things out, and I'm pretty much doing it alone. When I was desiring independence last year when I was in the hospital, doing things alone wasn't really what I had in mind- not that I wanted someone to hold my hand through it all either.

I've going to a support group tomorrow with my friend Tara for people who are young that have had strokes called YESS- Young, Enthusiastic, Stroke Survivors. I've wanted to go since I got out out the hospital last June. I think it will be really good for me to find other people who are like me that their brains have turned against them and they're questioning a lot. I'm looking forward to meeting other people that have had to endure a lot and forming friendships with others that have had to overcome these obstacles or similar ones. Things are just incredibly complicated and there isn't one clear cut answer I'm finding as I mature and figure out this thing called "life".
love,
Amy Christine