I want a Chrisitan Cowboy

It's decided. After the Darius Rucker concert this last weekend (and yes, I DID buy those tickets for one of the opening bands- and it was TOTALLY WORTH IT!) it's now official: I want myself a cowboy who loves Jesus. Not a boy who just wears a cowboy hat to "look cool" or line dances because it's in or something, but a real cowboy. Not a cowboy who just goes to church because he has to. Someone who's not afraid to be a man. Someone who is genuine and authentic. A man who's not afraid or intimidated to ask me out, hold my hand, share his emotions (yes, men do in fact have them), and challenge me to keep growing. I think those men are hard to find now a days, and most of them are wonderful and happily married to some of my best friends, and I love them for that- for treating my girlfriends like the princesses that they are! But I can't help but express that I want that for myself someday. I think I'm on the journey to find myself and maybe that someone else as well right now. As I search out what makes me who I am while I finish graduate school, I feel like that is a piece that God is stirring in my heart along the way. It honestly scares me to death, but learning how to Trust God has not been easy by any means, so add this to the ever-growing list of things that make me uncomfortable, but God simply asks me to "trust" along the way. That freaks me out. But that kind of man has been on my heart for years, and seemed to be articulated well at that concert for some reason. So I'm going to keep praying for him. I know there will be flaws in him just as there are with me (and Lord, Love him for accepting me and all my broken-pieces as well!) and he wont "complete me" or be my "savior"... but I just want someone to walk like with. Do the day's routine with, travel alongside, and challenge each other in some way. I had no idea what was going to happen to me a year and a half ago, so I'm sure this vision will be morphed and changed along the way. For right now, I just want a cowboy who has a heart for Him. Right now, that's the only image I have. And I'll let God design the rest.
Love,
Amy Christine

I never would have known.

Those have become my new favorite words. I hear them often from people that I meet that don't know about my last 19 months of misery, and it's incredibly validating. I went to a womens gathering at my church tonight and finally got to connect with our pastor's wife, Donna, and I've just loved her spirit from afar and wanted to connect and talk to her more. Tonight, I had the opportunity to do so. I've learned in the last 19 months how to read a conversation and gently tell parts of my story if/and when the opportunity should present itself. A woman shared part of her testimony tonight- that she gave birth to a beautiful little girl in 2006 but she had a rare disease and died the same day. She said something really profound that I think I'm going to adopt for myself. "I have tragedy in my past, but it does not define who I am". Very, very wise words. After the "gathering time", we got to mingle a little bit, and Donna approached us, and as we were talking, I just felt that I should share this part of my story gently with her. "Amy, I never would have known" was what she shared with me. For my friends who knew me pre-stroke, struggled with me over the last 19 months, and are still standing by my side- THANK YOU. Your presence means SO MUCH to have stuck with me over the long haul. Truly, I am grateful beyond words. But for these new wonderful people who I've been mutually blessed by knowing in the last year and a half, thank you, and thank you for the kind words of "I never would have known" That just means SO MUCH, because in my mind, I'm thinking "but how could you NOT notice _____?" I'm quickly figuring out that those are lies to keep me in bondage and not share the comfort and compassion that I have received from Above. There is going to be a purpose for all of this refining, right?
Love,
Amy Christine

For the shape I'm in

Today makes me somewhat reflective. When I had the stroke, it was two days before my first statistics exam. Even though that was 2-23-09, today was my two day away from that same exam again. Being back in that course makes me think a lot about what happened a year and a half ago. So I walked around thinking about that today. On my way home from school (getting tutored for statistics by the FABULOUS Rosie Smith), a song came on the radio (I listen to country- just love it and how God uses it to speak to me!) and heard the song "The Shape I'm in" by Joe Nichols. He talks about all of the crap that he's going through and how the little things are indeed making a difference for him. A line in the chorus sings: "... it ain't much, but it beats where I've been... I'm doing alright for the shape I'm in". That's my attitude right now. There's a lot of acceptance going on in my heart right now. I'm probably never going to get a medical explanation for my stroke. Everything takes me SO LONG and SO MUCH CONCENTRATION to do, and that requires a lot of energy that I simply don't have anymore. I live by a VERY meager budget, and most days, something goes incredibly wrong in "my plan" and I have to adjust at a moments notice. But that song has kept with me. Circumstances in my life might be less than ideal, and certainly not what I planned for or imagined ever playing out in my life. But I'm doing alright, for the shape I'm in...

I am just loving life right now!

I'm just loving this season right now. My internship is great (so perfect for me in this time and place), school is challenging me in ways that I enjoy learning (minus statistics but I have a great tutor!), and having the time to simply have graduate school be my world- I'm just thankful. (Remind me of that when it will probably all come crashing down again!)

Things are just good right now. Even with all of the crap that keeps getting thrown at me (tonight- I can't log into Moodle to take a quiz I've been studying all afternoon for!), but even in the midst of all that, I'm able to see that He's got it all under control. Phew. Because down here... it's not always feeling like that, but I'm having to look past the feelings and really feel out (in new and different ways) what He's doing in different ways- ways that have never been comfortable to me and in ways I haven't had to interpret before. I was spending time in the Word last night and a verse was shown on a video I showed the women of my grief and loss group on Tuesday nights, so I thought I would flip there to see what it had to say. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

The words compassion and comfort just flew off the page and took my breath away. THAT'S WHY THIS HAPPENED!!! Honesty, I didn't really live like I needed the Lord daily before my stroke. In the last 18.5 months, I've needed him EVERYDAY. It was as if He needed to do something DRASTIC to wake me up from my complacency, get my attention, heal me dramatically, learn to lean on Him every day with every little decision, never have any medical reasons for anything- and I'm just a walking miracle. People who find out are just amazed, but it's all to His credit. I don't deserve to still be here, but for some reason unbeknown to me yet, I'm still here, stubborn as ever, learning a lot, and living with a good rear-view mirror in place to see what happened on 2/25/09 but forging ahead still the same. I still tear up when I think back- I have sooo many reminders every day, but that's not the point. He is here WITH ME. This is for a purpose. It will be redeemed. What I have had to go through personally will be used for His glory in time. I can't think of a greater accomplishment. That's all I've wanted. I may not know medically why 2/25/09 happened, but for it to be redeemed eventually, that makes it worth it. And I need to remember that when things turn around and get ugly again. But for now, I'm going to memorize that verse and make it my new life verse. At least He's given me an eternal glimpse of a WHY. And that's better than anything a doctor could have given me.
Love,
Amy Christine

My glass is all full

My counselor shared with me a great little analogy last week during our session (and by the way, I know I have irrational thoughts and I'm not afraid to share that I'm going to a counselor for help- especially since that's what I'm in school for!). Anywhoo... she shared about a friend who left her bible study because "it was too negative". Another friend that stayed in the Bible study said "well, my glass is all full, just maybe with stuff she doesn't want to hear about". I feel like that's my life. My glass is all full, but maybe some people don't want to hear about the trials or things that go wrong. I'm sorry, I just can't "think positively" and make the bad stuff stop happening. If you don't want to hear the bad stuff too, then maybe I shouldn't share anything with you then if it's going to be too hard for you to hear what He's up to- the good and the bad. Having my mom out here was great and I loved having her here, but I asked her and she said that since my stroke, she had noticed that I tended to have a negative outlook on everything (and I know she'll be reading this too. Love You Mom!) My outlook isn't so much negative as it is a healthy all-encompassing view of life. It's not so much that I have a negative outlook or I'm waiting for bad things to happen, but they do happen and I'm going to speak about them the same way I do about the positive things. I can't just think positive thoughts when I have to buy 4 new tires for my car when I'm living off a VERY meager budget. Good thoughts aren't just going to make that money appear. Trust me- I've thought "good thoughts" for a sugar daddy to appear... and I'm still single.

Life is hard, especially when living the way that I am- nearing the end of graduate school, living among an amazing community, an intense internship, and living off of SSDI for income. It's humbling to say, but I really can't do it all on my own. Maybe that was one of God's reason's for bringing the stroke into my life- so I could admit that I can't do it alone and without Him. Maybe this was all for more reliance on Him, because I didn't really live like I needed Him before. If anything, the stroke has certainly taught me to live each day and look to him- financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally... it's all His. So I guess I'm healthily learning that my glass is ALL FULL- the good, the bad, and the ugly. It includes the things that we don't want to talk about or acknowledge. And those are my random thoughts for this morning :) Thanks for continuing to follow along 18.5 months later ;)
With Love,
Amy Christine

I still get emotional

Twice in the past 24 hours, I've been in conversations that have left me almost in tears. Ok, I'll admit it, I cried with the one later on my way home and cried with my professor today for the second one. Turns out I still get really emotional when telling my story. The past 18 months have been so trying, and for seemingly little point or purpose. Every day just leaves me with more questions. I can't give up hope because I've come too far, but my present circumstances leave me at a loss. "Why?" just has a new meaning now. I was in my statistics class today (with the same professor I had 18 months ago when I had the stroke), and I just bawled after class with him as he asked me to explain what had happened and how I'm different now from it. Turns out my Training and Mentoring contract from last semester (learning how to tell my story without it becoming a "bombshell" to myself or the person I was telling) is still a work in progress. I feel like my thoughts are always scattered and even my conversations... so I'm learning what it truly means to have grace with myself in it all. And those are my thoughts for tonight.
Love,
Amy Christine

Isn't that like what my grandpa might have?

I went for a walk last night with a friend that I've really only known in passing. It had been a long hard day with lots of frustrating news, and I didn't know how my of my past he knew, which he needed to know in order to understand why the day had sucked. So I just came out and said it. I've gotten used to people who haven't known my story not being able to tell that anything is "different" about me, because outwardly, I look "normal" (and what is normal anyway? I digress...). His reaction was sort of interesting. "A Stroke? Like what my grandpa might have?" Yes. And the medical field still has no idea why. Or why my headaches disappeared for awhile and then came back with a vengeance. I know outwardly I "look" fine, but cognitively and my memory and everything I have had to fight to gain back... that has been super hard. As I was telling him a little about the past 18 months, I had to fight back tears. It's so hard for me to admit how difficult the last 18 months have been, especially spiritually. To go 18 months without hearing from the Lord when I used to know Him so intimately... So hard for me, and hard for me to admit to him too. Maybe my view on "normal" is really the thing that I need to change my view on after all.