Indianapolis

I should be writing a paper for my class on Wednesday right now, but instead, I'm blogging. This has become quite routine for me lately. Something important to do for class= put it off and procrastinate by doing something that COULD wait and do that instead. So I'm blogging and journaling and crying to get it all out and process it all tonight. I started to write something else here instead, but decided to just journal about that. Here, I'll talk about something else that is tearing me up lately.

Indianapolis has been on my heart for about a year and a half and there just feels like something is unfinished there (I lived there after my undergraduate experience for 1.5 years). It's closer to my family, and if I was going to move and resettle after Seminary come May, it would make a lot of sense. Closer drive to my family (unlike the 18+ hours now), not fighting with 100-200+ people for a job in the mental health field job, a new start, old acquaintances, a city that (used) to be familiar, and a nagging feeling in my stomach that there is something to still attend to there. BUT, as I've started to get pieces of my independence back, there has been something beautiful that has awakened in me. Maybe it has been living in community. Possibly learning self-care for myself personally and professionally. Maybe my internship. Possibly getting pieces of my independence back. Something has risen up within me in the last few months especially that I am not ready to let go of, and honestly, I'm afraid if I leave Denver in May, it will somehow nullify all of the growth that has occurred in me since moving out here 5 years ago.

Who could have known what would come my way when I made that decision? My heart broken, several times for several reasons. Starting graduate school, and all of the hours I have lost to studying and being a hermit for school. A unexplained and unexpected stroke that made me fight for all of my independence back and has left devastating effects after to still daily deal with, even if they can't outwardly be seen by others or explained. Continual migraines. I thought they might get better with the altitude but they haven't. More medical mysteries. I still am a medical anomaly and so beyond tired of not getting any answers or explanations beyond "We just don't know". Really, because you went to Medical School for about a decade, so one of us should have answers. Just saying... Oops, looks like my frustrations are coming out again. So I'm torn. Think of me December 20-22, that's when I'll be visiting Indianapolis, figuring out what might be next. I need guidance. I know a lot of people will have their advice or what I should do, but there's really only One person's opinion that really matters in all of this. And those are my thoughts right now instead of writing that paper. :)
Love,
Amy Christine

My cross to bear

I was joking around with Sheri on Text messages yesterday about having a migraine (we rotate having them daily) and about how I want a new cross to bear. This just isn't fair. Some days it might be terrible, and others just be awful, but either way, the pain is always there. I can't even imagine a life without the pain anymore. So I was joking and saying that I wanted to have a new cross. Sheri made the great point (as always) that maybe I don't want to trade this in. For as inconvenient as the pain is for me and the ways it disrupts my life at the most in-opportune times, I know what to expect with them. I have learned how to deal with it. If it's a medium grade migraine, I can usually just take my abortive pills and a nap, and then be OK within a few hours. As not so fun as going to the hospital is, I've gone 4 times this past year. Partly because they still don't know why I had the stroke and partly because I just need some sort of relief, I need an IV to stop the pain. The migraines that don't follow any sort of pattern freak me out because that's why I went to the hospital last year in February. As much as I want something different to have to deal with and as miserable as the migraines are when they come on, they are at least manageable in what I have to do to deal with them. So once again Sheri wins for best advice and making me see that maybe this trial isn't as bad as I think they could be when I get a migraine (typing this with the pain this morning). I'll see her tonight for Thanksgiving at her house to share a meal of gratefulness with her family and part of my adopted Colorado family. For as many trials as I have thrown my way, it sure is laced with things to be grateful for along the way. Thank you for both Lord.
Love,
Amy Christine

Statistics

I had my 4th emotional breakdown in 4 weeks over statistics today. I feel like an emotional basket case. Before my stroke, I wasn't any good with computations. Since the stroke, it's literally like they just removed that part of my brain. SO FRUSTRATING to be doing the exact right formula but still not get the right answer because of my chubby fingers and the calculator, or my brain for not understanding what the heck is going on. Z scores, correlation coefficients, your mom scores... I'm being tutored in this class by a wonderful friend Rosie who actually understands the material (and without her, I don't even want to think of where I would be right now), but I sit there with her and just cry when my math doesn't come out right. So humbling! My brain and what I am able to remember or not remember since the stroke continues to get me teary-eyed because I remember how well I used to remember things. Now if it's not written down, I won't remember it. Period. That's probably one of the biggest struggles that I've had post-stroke is trying to survive in a world that revolves around the memory, and to have those deficits. To try and explain it to other people who still have their memory is useless, so I've stopped trying. When I broke down today with my instructor for the class, he was super empathetic and understanding. It was still humbling to be with my professor and explain to him that I don't grasp the concepts now (and I don't know that I would have pre-stroke either!). 4 more weeks of this class left, one of our thanksgiving break, 2 for the actual class, and then our final exam. This isn't a pitty post of "look at how hard I have to work now", but rather just a venting of my life and it's struggles now. This is my normal. Everything is a struggle, and nothing is something that I take for granted anymore because I've had to work so hard at gaining back. And that's my random thoughts for tonight!
Love,
Amy Christine

Loving my internship!

I had another wonderful day at my internship downtown at Alternatives Pregnancy Center. I know all days won't be as wonderful as today by any means, but they sure are great every now and again. I had only a couple of clients today, and my last one moved me to tears. Without divulging too much for confidentiality reasons, she was a high risk pregnancy. Her tears during the ultrasound didn't come from fear but rather from praise that their even was a heartbeat. She says that she's not religious, but "spiritual", but continues to come across people who are just loving her and telling her that they are praying for her, and she's beginning to see something divine throughout this pregnancy. I'm still in awe. I know that I have picked the right field when I just get energized to come and go from this internship. I am in the midst of something amazing, and I am very grateful to be walking alongside of these women throughout their crises. Thank you God for using my pain and suffering to be a blessing unto other women. That's all I have wanted out of the last two years. Thank you for the redemption in my life and that I am able to see it in others too.

Heal the wound but leave the scar

We're going to use a song next week for our group, and I've already listened to it about 100 times tonight alone. I usually don't like Christian music anymore, mostly because I've been able to connect with other forms of music that I feel as though God uses to minister to my spirit, and they are usually pretty cheesy. That said, when my supervisor told me who sang this song, I cringed and wrote it off. But it actually turned out to be awesome. I just continue to be amazed at how coinciding the post-abortion experiences of grief and my own story go together. This song is SO APPLICABLE to my own story of grief.

Point of Grace-- Heal the Wound
I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I used to hate my scars. They represent so much pain, they are ugly, so much shame, and represent horrible memories in my past. I've hidden them, not wanting anyone to notice them. Connecting with my scars again and being proud of them and who they represent now seems like a distant dream, and yet, somehow attainable. It won't be easy, but that has been the last 20+ months. I have a picture framed in my room of when I was in a coma in the ICU with all the tubes and life support. A friend questioned the morbidity of it, but it is actually a reminder to me of His merciful provision in my life specifically. Thank you for sticking with me Lord and not giving up on me, through all of the ups and downs we have had together. Leave the scars after all. Make me proud of them somehow.
Love,
Amy Christine

Stand Beside Me

For the second night in a row, I'm writing a blog posted instead of attending to my paper which is due on Wednesday. I've always been a procrastinator, but this paper is just not coming together for me. Eh well. I was cleaning today and listening to country music, which has always spoken to my soul. I love it. Anywhoo, the song "Stand Beside Me" by Jo Dee Messina came on, and tonight it really rang true within me. My roommate and I were talking earlier about still being single in our late twenties (my birthday will be right after Christmas and I won't be able to say that anymore, so I am for as long as I can!) Here are the Lyrics:

He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder
He said he had to find himself out on the road
I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong

So I worked two jobs
And I moved three times
I ended up south of Memphis, workin' down in Riverside
I may not be so lucky in love
But the one thing I'm sure of

I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart
Stand beside me
Be true, don't tell lies to me
I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man that who stands beside me

I didn't expect to see him, one hot July morning
His hair was longer but his eyes were the same old blue
He said, "I've missed you for so long. Oh baby, what can I do?"
I said, "I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart."

It's hard to
Tell him, "No" when I want him so bad
But I've got to be true to my heart
This time

I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man who stands beside me
I want a man
Who stands beside me

Stand beside me........
Stand beside me........

I just want a man to stand beside me. Not in front of or behind me, like some of my Ex's have done, and obviously, it didn't work out. I've had my heart ripped out and trampled on, and I don't want to live from that fear or hesitations anymore. I don't have huge expectations for him, but I want him to journey with me through life. The ups and downs. Do it together. Being single has allowed me to do some pretty awesome things, like travel to Africa and Japan, plant a church in Boulder because I felt like it was the next thing for me to do, and go to graduate school. If I had had someone by my side, I may not have been able to do those things. And I'm thankful that I have had the chance to do them all. Seeing how hard having a stroke and recovering has been on a good friend of mine and her family has made me appreciate that he hasn't been here yet. Yet, I think I'm becoming more ready. And that scares me. I have plenty of beautiful friends who have gotten married later in life and their spouses are spectacular. That gives me hope. I don't know where he is, but I'm getting the feeling it will be quick and I will be caught off guard. There are a lot of things that have caught me off guard in the last two years. And I'm becoming more ok with that ambiguity and life lived between the lines. So wherever he is, I want you to stand beside me. I'll keep praying for you in the meantime.
Love,
Amy Christine

Gratitude

We've been doing a series at the Downing House on Gratitude, and though I'm being tutored for Statistics when it goes on, it has made me reflective of the things that I am grateful for. Last year's events have changed me and my outlook, so I don't think I could not be so now. Here are some of the things that I am grateful for in life right now:

-My Downing House Community. I love living in community. I can be social when I want, and then come home and shut my door and write a paper (like I should be doing now...) It really is a great balance for me in this season of life. Each of their personalities, passions, and encouragement mean so much to me. They have helped me heal more than they will ever know or words could even describe.

-My internship. I love being there with the women in crisis. Granted, it's not a glamorous job, but to see these women wrestle with really hard decisions is beautiful. I feel honored and blessed to walk alongside of them during this time. I am learning so much- professionally and personally.

-Being almost done with school. 4 years ago, I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. I just knew Denver Seminary had a good reputation. Apparently, there was something more for me to learn in the midst of it all. Even my "elective" classes that I have taken "just for me to learn and grow" have been used already to aid my friends who are hurting and healing in this time. But to be looking at the finish line finally in May... wow. I've worked really, really hard at this.

-Independence. I have my independence back. People who knew me before the stroke knew that I was very independent, almost to my on detriment. Part of the stroke broke that within me and MADE ME depend on others, and I learned that I need others to do things. Having my license fully back without restrictions has given me my freedom back, but I can do things in a balanced way now. I can go to the store when I want and not have to depend on someone else to get me there. That's beautiful. But I've realized the importance of being in a community and letting others help you out, even when it's hard for me to accept it or I'd rather do it on my own.

-Not working right now. Although my SSDI checks are barely enough to survive on, I am thankful that I don't have to work right now and can just focus on finishing school. It's a blessing to be living in poverty, because I can really focus on what is important to me right now- finishing school. Never thought I would be able to say that, but I can and I am.

-Support, even if it's very spread out around the country and comes at random times. People and relationships have always meant a lot to me, but even more so since last February.

-Random blessings. I sometimes get to babysit for the Athertons, and I joke with Brianna and Aaron that their son Chase is my boyfriend since he's precious and is one of the many reasons that I am still here. He will never know what his birth has allowed. If it wasn't for the kindness of relationships with key people from the stroke, I wouldn't be the person that I am today without them.

-Cleaning and Baking. I had no idea how therapeutic these two tasks were to me, but they have become incredibly forces for me in the last two years. They are times that I can think, be creative, cry, provide for others, and heal. Who knew. They have helped me to be able to process so many things by myself, and I am incredibly grateful for the provision of time to process and think in the midst of everything right now.

-Groups to process things in. One of the many beautiful things within my program at Seminary is the ability to "process" things within various groups, and sometimes I almost feel "over-processed". I have a group supervision- which is my peers who are doing internship as well that we can talk about the things that our clients have brought up in us as therapists. My Training and Mentoring group is a few other students that come together to talk about our learning contracts and what we are learning from them. Those women are beautiful. Every Thursday our community gets together for breakfast, and every other Sunday for dinner. We just share what is going on in our lives with each other and get to lift each other up. Every Tuesday night, I lead a Post-Abortion group for a few women for my internship. They are also very beautiful, and it's wonderful to watch them deal with the grief and loss that has come from their decisions. Our grief stories coincide in so many ways, and I am very thankful that I have a group that is as hard-working as they are for my first group as a therapist. There are probably other groups that I get to talk about certain things with, but those are the main ones that come to mind.

-Starbucks. I may not have worked there for almost 11 months now, and there are several new faces every time I drop by, but they still treat me like family. I love that and need that right now.

-The Pearl Church. This church will be 1 year old tomorrow, and I get to be there to celebrate it with them. Through the encouragement of a good friend, Maura, I have found a community that I can heal with and be transparent. They have no idea what a place to know others and be known is like for me right now. I am able to connect with the Lord again, and that is so healing.

So I'm grateful and thankful. For a lot. God has given me a lot of goodness to celebrate with others in. And I want that to come forward in the way that I present myself to others, the ways that I counsel, how I act at school with almost being done, and just who I am as a Christian. I have a lot to be thankful for. And those are my random thoughts for tonight. Thanks for reading along. And I'm thankful for each of you who takes time to read about my journey as well. Thank you for letting me put my thoughts out here and reading along!:)

Love,
Amy Christine

Starting to get my memory back!

Usually, I can't remember what I did yesterday or had for breakfast in the morning. I'm sure the questions get old with the people I was with all day of "what did we do today?" I've HATED not having my memory. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends and family that can remind me "Remember, we were at the mall" or whatever, and usually, the memories come back to me. They have all been so gracious and loving to me throughout this time of not being able to remember even simple things. Last Sunday after a lovely service at church, I couldn't remember where I had parked my car. I had driven around for a spot at the hotel for about 20 minutes (very rare) but couldn't remember how I had actually gotten into the church that morning. One of my lovely friends took me in her car and drove me around until we found my car so I could go over to her place for lunch. Again, lovely and wonderful friends to love me through this. Although I have been warned by the doctors about my memory being very sporadic and possibly never coming back, a few things in the past month have left me SPEECHLESS. A few weeks ago, I remembered a guys name who was only a friend of a friend on Friday mornings at the DH from the Friday that I met him until the next week. I hadn't seen him since the previous Friday when we met, but he walked into the house and I said "Hi Paul". As his name came out of my mouth I almost started to cry. That may not seem like a big milestone to anyone else, but the event was HUGE for me. I remembered a guy's name! Thinking back to the event now, I still tear up. My memory is coming back!

One of the biggest blessings of the stroke in retrospect has actually been my loss of memory when it comes to clients. Not being able to remember the details of their horrific stories has become a blessing to me because I don't feel like I am taking them home with me. What (was) looked at as a curse before has become a blessing. A couple of weeks ago, I was remembering the details of a clients story well on to later that evening and the next day. She only had flip flops for footwear. That might not seem like such a big deal, but as a woman living in a city that is about to get very cold and who has lots of shoes, it was disturbing to me to still be thinking about it much later. As I reflect back, why is this one client sticking with me above and beyond the rest? What am I supposed to do for her that we haven't already done? The only answer I've come up with thus far is to pray. I can't do anything other than intercede for her, knowing that God has to do something for her instead. That's incredibly humbling. It's not my job to fix it. Although there is a human element to her story that I just want to do something, it's not my role as her counselor to "fix" anything. That's just another place where I have to swallow my pride, knowing that God wants to meet her needs some other way. Apparently, my role in her life now is just as an intercessor. But the fact that I can remember parts of her story still now makes me rejoice that I'm getting my memory back. What has been seen as a curse and ill-effect of the stroke has become a blessing that it is returning. Now that my memory is returning, I have to find a way of adjusting remembering the clients and their stories to a way of remembering them, but not taking them home with me and letting it effect me later. This is going to be very hard work, and maybe much harder than not remembering. So stay tuned for updates on that as well in coming weeks!
Love,
Amy Christine