The pieces I think that I've heard so far...

So here's what I think I have about my future so far after May... since I've almost died twice in the last 23 months... I think I'm entitled to a summer of fun. Dad might try to argue with me about being responsible and applying for jobs as soon as I graduate, which I will, but I think I'm only going to wait tables a night or two a week (at a much less stressful place, if a restaurant like that even exists!) and ENJOY Colorado since I really haven't since I started graduate school in 2008. By the time I graduate from Seminary, I'll have been in for 3.5 years. I know people who have gotten their doctorates in that amount of time. More power to them. I'm only finishing this degree since I'm freaking stubborn and I was told that I wouldn't. Since the doctors said I would never even go back to school, I think I'm going to live it up graduation and life after. So summer of fun... now accepting ideas!

5k. My lovely friend Brooke and her fiance asked me at my birthday/New Years what have I always wanted to do but dragged my feet about doing and should just do already? a 5k was the first thing that came to mind. I'm feeling good about it right now, but haven't really started training yet. When I do, I know I'll be grumbling, which is why I've enlisted a few friends (a wonderful housemate and a few FB buddies) to do it with me. Once I commit to a race- we're currently thinking "Homerun for the homeless" with the Colorado Rockies, but their website has yet to be updated- I know I'll be more serious about it. We really have to start training after my COMPS test (at the end of February) so for now I can live in lala land and just focus on studying. I know it will be a lot more of a mental game than a physical one, but I'm really out of shape. Like really bad. I think the last time I actually worked out was when I was in the hospital almost 2 years ago. That's just pathetic and I'm ashamed to admit it. I need discipline, and a 5k is just the start of that.

I think I still want to use my degree somehow, but how... that answer has yet to come to me. It's not like "understanding people" won't come in handy in other fields, but I don't think the box I've typically thought of therapy contained in even exists anymore. I'm just not sure doing WHAT. I would LOVE to do something combining my love for hospitality, baking, and talking to people somehow. Serving other medical anomalies has also been on my heart. I called United Way 2-1-1 phone service this morning (a non-profit that we use a lot at my internship), and the customer service representative on the other end of the phone said "I've just searched all of the counties that we serve, and there are no agencies to help you pay for your medical bills" Really? Denver is freaking big. And NO ONE is out there doing this? At all? Need? Yes. So God might be nudging my heart to do some sort of non-profit work with other medical anomalies and look into Government grants and entrepreneurs who believe in our cases and want to help out somehow. ow, I don't know yet, but still in that dreaming phase.

Indianapolis. Not sure how this fits into the equation at all, but that feeling I got in the pit of my stomach over Christmas time was surreal and I want more of it in my life. There's just something about that city. My friend Hilary put it as "comfortably familiar". Very wise words Hil. Love you. So yes, the sun may not ever shine, its in the middle of corn fields, is almost 4 hours from my parents and sister, has the amazing the Indianapolis Colts, has great doctors that I can actually PICK, the humidity is unbearable both in the summer and winter, and some acquaintances are still there, so I won't have to start completely over. A wonderful friend's mother said I could stay with them until I figure out what part of the city I want to live in. For free. Marie, you're amazing. Thank you oh so much! The idea of getting back on my feet in a part of the city that is familiar... yes. So pretty much it's comfortably familiar, is much closer to my family, has the Colts, and I feel God nudging me there. I wish I had the reason why, but apparently I'm not going to get that answer. 'Continue to wait' is all I hear. I want to protest that I don't like to wait and that He should know that... but all I get is stubborn silence. Apparently He's really good at that too.

A book. I want to write a book (and I believe I've put those ideas on here before and my caring bridge would be an excellent place to start). I've written some of my favorite techs from the hospitals and close friends and family near to me when it all happened to see if they would want to partner with me to do some sort of writing project together. I have NO IDEA what that is to look like yet, but just feel that nudging. You would think after almost 15 years with the Lord I would get scared of the nudges, but it feels like almost all that I get right now, so I actually look forward to them because then I know He's with me and about to do something wacky. So yes, there might be medical debt hanging over my head and no idea where the money for anything really is going to come from, but just continuing to trust that He has a plan. Scary stuff, but I think it's going to be worth it. No idea what's ahead and trying not to make plans and just learn to say "I think He's leaning toward..." about what I'm feeling because it doesn't really make much sense. A lot of this thing called life doesn't and we really like our answers. I'm learning to be OK with the ambiguity even if that's not how I tend to operate. So the next 4 months are going to be intense, filled with lot's of reading, studying, doctors appointments, and looking for what might lay ahead. And those are my thoughts for tonight. Thanks for continuing to follow along almost 23 months later. The 25th will never be a "normal" day for me. Love you all very much!
Love, Amy Christine

Medical bills & Cleaning

I can't stop crying. I feel like a basket case lately. Everything seems to send me over the edge, and it's driving me crazy! I don't have any idea how God will intercede in this right now. What does he have planned? WHY the medical crap to deal with? So, so many bills and not enough money. I feel like a charity case. I HATE having to submit myself to my community and friends and ask for rides. For someone who is INCREDIBLY independent, to constantly have to wait around for other people to be going to the same place I am, rearrange my schedule to make something happen, or pay lot's of extra money that I don't have to get something at a store because going to a cheaper one wasn't an option... Yeah, frustrated. I've emailed the dean at my school and my social worker at the hospital I was at to help me think outside of the box for COMPS and these bills... I just feel like I'm getting in over my head and I'm frustrated with our American system for health. If you read my previous post, I'm frustrated with many things, but bills for going to the hospital for something that IS NOT MY FAULT seems like an injustice. I don't know who should pay for it, but I certainly shouldn't go into debt for it.

The more I think about it, I know my medical woes upset the people who love me. I get it. When people tell me about something tragic that happens to them, I just want to DO something. I'm a fixer. It's so helpless when there is nothing you can fix or do. Just being there with them IN IT feels like you're not doing anything for them at all, but the discipline of presence does mean a lot to the person going through it and feels alone. But for now, I just cry out to God to provide for this crap if we're not getting any answers from the medical community. If I have to go through it, then provide for it as well. There's nothing that I can think of for others to do for me in all of this but pray for some mercy and money, or deal with the bills people so I can concentrate on studying for COMPS at the end of February. 4 months and I'll have my masters degree, be done with school, and start to deal with all of the stuff I'm putting aside now for the sake of time. And maybe start writing my book then too in the beauty of the Colorado Summer.

Amy Christine

I cleaned today (which is incredibly therapeutic for me) and listened to this song by Sara Baraeilles over and over. It seemed so poignant for today and what I'm going through right now. If you haven't heard her, look this song up. You won't be disappointed, promise. Thought I would share.

Many the Miles by Sara Baraeilles
There's too many things that I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets
I haven't seen
You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
You would've thought by now
I'd have learned something

I made up my mind when I was a young girl
I've been given this one world
I won't worry it away
But now and again I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then Love comes in

How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and I'll be happy to follow you Love

I do what I can wherever I end up
To keep giving my good love
And spreading it around
Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that

Sing how far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Send me the miles and I'll be happy to
Follow you Love

Red letter day and I'm in a blue mood
Wishing that blue would just carry me away
I've been talking to God don't know
If it's helping or not
But surely something has got to got to got to give
Cause I can't keep waiting to live

How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and I'll be happy to yeah
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
Been talking to God don't know if it's helping or not
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
Oh send me the miles and I'll be happy to
Follow you Love

There's too many things I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets I haven't seen

Frustrations

Life right now. Let me paint you a picture of my daily frustrations... I mean, daily life while I finish school. Dr. Millen (my neurologist) took me off ALL caffeine sources, so no Coffee, chocolates, colas, even Excedrin. I found out around May that High Fructose Corn Syrup (which, mind you, is in EVERYTHING, from ketchup to breads) is a trigger for my migraines. So I can have water and MAYBE some decaf teas. I have Cricket service for my phone, which has service in every state but isn't very well known. I don't have a contract with them, but now pay "one low fee" per month, but just got a new phone with them and haven't figured out how to make it silent when it charges without constantly being on vibrate. With the seizure last week, I haven't had the time to sit down and try to figure out how to make it quiet. May not seem like a big deal, but it has been for me. Just one more of the MANY things to deal with.

With the seizure last Sunday, my life has been taken back over by the fruitless search for the WHY's with the doctors, which, of course, I'm not getting any answers. Since I don't know who knows what, I just don't say anything, which the silence is frustrating in and of itself, because I just don't say anything and it's just the "untalked about" topic. It's also frustrating when my money for medical expenses is quickly fading. I had amazing people that gave money when I was in the hospital for all of these medical bills, but it's almost gone. I don't have the money or the time to continue to go to doctor upon doctor and try new medications or tests and hear "we don't know what's wrong with you". Awesome. Then can I have my co-pay back because you went to medical school for a decade but still can't give me any answers? I mean, that only seems fair, because you didn't do anything for me, so why should you get paid? Actually, can you pay me, because I gave you an hour or more of my time and I'm walking away with nothing except more frustrations?

Health insurance. I have to deal with them on a daily basis, and it seems if you're incompetent, then you can find a job with the health insurance companies. The company I was with during the stroke was AWESOME and dealt with things in a swift and quick manner. When I went back to work for Starbucks in the fall of '09, Starbucks switched companies and that's who I'm now paying COBRA with. After my SSDI checks each month, I can pay rent, COBRA, and then have about $390 to pay for gas, car insurance, phone, food... you know, the essentials of living in America. Talk about living creatively on a very tight budget. Now that I'm not driving, I got a return on my car insurance and no gas for a few months, but with my housemates giving me rides to all of the doctors appointments, I'm using the money that I budgeted for gas for coffee etc. to "pay" them. I've pretty much sold off all of the things that I don't really need, so I can't think of other things that I can sell. If my morals wouldn't hold me back from doing some illegal things, maybe it wouldn't be so tight. I have a blood disorder as well (one of the only productive doctors appointments since the stroke), otherwise I would probably at least give plasma.

Since Vocational Rehabilitation is paying for my school's tuition, books, and giving me a bus pass to go to school and my internship. Without it, that would be lot's of money that I don't have. When I get done with school, it will be great to just have to pay back the loans that I took out before the stroke. I realize that there are LOTS of blessings in disguise from the stroke for all of the complications and things that it has taken from me. Also, with the seizure, for some reason, my memory is back to what it was a year and a half ago. I can't remember anything again. In conversations, I find myself going "Did I already say that?" Talk about demeaning again. Hi, I know my license says that I'm 30, but I feel like I'm 5, so... Between having very few things that I can eat or drink, living very creatively on an extremely small budget, having to depend upon others when you're extremely independent, having a stupid cell phone carrier because you can't afford anything else, health insurance people that seem to enjoy running you in circles along with doctors, a few months until I finish school but several exams and hoops to jump through until then, looking for jobs back in Indianapolis but 1000 things to do before then... Good golly. I have a lot of crap to organize in life in the next few months, huh? I've thought of a 1000 things I could do- just drop out of school for the next few months and do the classes I still need over the summer or in the fall but I'm TWO classes away from being done when doctors said I would never go back. Both of my classes for the spring have weekly quizzes over the readings. I haven't had an intense book semester since the stroke, so this could be very interesting since my reading comprehension is now 3X less than what it used to be. I think I'm just too stubborn to not finish now. So like so many other things, I think I'm just going to deal with the crap and finish the next 4 months against the odds. Life the last two years, this will just be an opportunity for God to show up, right? I am cleaning houses for friends to make some extra money to make ends meet. Now with not being able to drive, we're going to have to be creative again. A friend of a friend had a stroke this week, probably late 30's. It's brought back a lot of raw emotions for me reflecting on the last two years for myself. Things that I NEVER thought would be a part of my own story. Ugh, frustrations. This isn't a "Oh, look at how hard my life is right now, feel sorry for me" post, it's a venting about what I'm having to do to accomplish what I'm thinking I'm being asked of in this season. And that's me venting about the crap that I have to wade through to finish school in this season.
Love,
Amy Christine

Seminary student with a stroke

To keep her anonymous, I won't tell you her name, but found out through a friend that another Seminary student just suffered from a stroke yesterday morning. Reading her story on her husbands blog has made 1000's of memories of my hard work from the last two years come flooding back. Hearing the horror stories of all of that her family is going through is bringing way too much back of my own story. All I've been able to do all night is cry. Just pray for her. I've had way too many close calls over the past two years to not be grateful for where God has brought me, and now I want that to be passed on to others too. So pray for her and her grieving family and friends that are watching her fight for her life at this moment. You're in my prayers. I have nothing else to say but been right where you and and know all too well what you need right now.
Love,
Amy Christine

Story at Church

I went to the church that I've been attending since the summer this morning, the Pearl in the Denver Tech Center, a church plant from Portland. There's a lot that the church does have, and things that it doesn't, but between the community I live in at the Downing House and attending Seminary, I get community and firm teaching at other places. I have just needed an authentic community of people who are going to love me and see me through the things that happen to me throughout my life right now in this season. Life's NOT easy right now, but having a community of people that are genuinely interested in what is going on for me and making my dreams a reality day by day has been very important currently. There have been some amazing "coincidences" that God has obviously put into place for me there at the Pearl. Last week Pastor Doug went long on his preaching, and if he hadn't, I probably would have had my seizure while driving, and therefore, probably unable to write this or still be alive.

For the last week, I've been pretty ticked off, and I feel like I have good reasons to be so. I have 5 more months of graduate school and had just gotten used to "this is what living with a TBI is going to mean for myself" and accepting my meager situation, and now I feel like I've been given a huge setback. I know that I have a lot to be grateful for right now, but that doesn't cancel out my anger for the crap that I have to deal with. I just want to be faithful with what I am dealing with. Today Pastor Doug was talking about Jesus is _____. He gave an illustration during his sermon, and I just cried through it. It was as if God used that illustration to wake me up from this pity party I've been in for the last week. He gave the illustration of someone who was selling their home, but vandals had come in it and ruined the beams and walls, and someone was ready to buy the home finally. The seller made promises to the buyer that he was going to fix X, Y, and Z before the buyer was going to take possession of the place. The buyer told the seller that those changes wouldn't be needed for him to take possession of the place after all--that he just wanted the site for the view and the land surrounding it, because he saw a bigger vision in the land the home was on. It was as though God was saying that to me. He doesn't want possession of my "land" because of something that the house has to offer, but wants me for the site, for the potential that the "site" has. The stroke and seizure have made "the home" worthless now, and that is something that Satan tells me daily, if not hourly. God doesn't want to take possession of my heart because of something I have to offer, but my potential and the worth of the site. I needed that today. A constant reminder since I've been a Christian is that I can do nothing to earn or deserve God's love. Today it was another reminder that there's nothing inherent within me that deserves God's love or plans, but He sees the potential within me for service and still has a plan for me... although Satan would love to discourage me in thinking that that's not true after all. I needed that analogy today. One thing that I'm learning in my faith right now is that God is big enough for me to be ticked at Him and still trust that there is a plan behind the chaos still. That's beautiful. I need a God that is that big. I needed that story today.
Love,
Amy Christine

Voice from the past

So many friends have come out with truth lately, and I've really needed the encouragement in this dark place. I feel so alone and forsaken. I know I'm not, but it's hard to remind myself of that when it feels to be true. Tonight, my best friend Tara shared with me some wisdom that I had written on an old blog of mine back in 2005, and I can't even remember writing it. I needed it tonight.

Unveil...

Voice of truth
calls out
Cuts through the years and depth of the lies that I have believed for too long
released
he was the father of lies, and he whispers at every chance he gets
through the betrayal of friends not coming through
through the media and all the pictures and images I will never be
through the lies of not being good enough in every sense of the word
You cut through
you beckon
you call out
invite me
in time, call me back to the truth
calling me back into ultimate reality
I love that you are Truth
you call me back into what really is
and show me who I really am
I am your daughter
regardless of how my relationship goes with my own father
you are my salvation
even on days when nothing goes right and even my own sanity is barely salvagable
you are my Abba
when I just need to be held
you are peace itself
even when my heart and mind refuse to shut off from thinking all the time
you wage war against my enemies
when I don't have the strength to fight any longer
You are eternal
when I can't even get out of bed to start my day
You are beautiful
which comes in handy when my mascara runs and I feel anything but
You are forever
and I can't imagine what my my life would look like without you every day
You pursue
when I push off my to do list yet again for tomorrow
You invite and ask me to come along
knowing that I have something of worth to offer even when I can't see what that is yet
You are relentless
when I want to throw in the towel yet again
You seek after my inner depths
when I try to bury it further to forget it's all there within
You cut through the chase and the lies
and reveal truth
reveal what you have made me to be
revealing my heart and beauty to offer to others
even when I don't feel like it
even when I try to hide it
You unveil
You pursue
You have captivated my attention and my baggage,
my wounds and my hurts
my joys and my sorrows
my past, present and future
you have redeemed my heart and chased down my soul
bought and won my desires from the battle and the enemy
what joy there is in being known
freed from within to be me
who you designed me to be
on this adventure you have planned for me
being used to speak out your truth and redemption
chosen to be your mouthpiece to tell of your good news
great news
awesome news
redemption
life really lived
peace
grace
freedom

Seizure

I can't stop crying. For those of you who don't know already from FB or an email, I had a Grand Mal seizure (my first ever, unprovoked) on Sunday at Church. I had a nurse sitting behind me and a surgeon sitting across the aisle from me. The last 100 hours have been the worst I've probably ever had to go through. I'm back even deeper into what it feels like to be a medical anomaly, and no longer driving either. Just what I want to do- walk to the bus stop in the snow! Stupid things bring on the tears lately- today it was a super thoughtful note from my roommate.

I had just gotten used to "this is how life is going to be with a TBI now" and then Sunday happened. I guess I was at church, and during prayer I ended up falling forward and convulsing. Reading the account from the Nurse who was sitting behind me was like reading about someone else. I didn't feel anything and have no recollection of the actual event. Maureen (my internship director who also goes to my church) and two wonderful friends (Marc and Maura) came with me to the hospital. They are wonderful! I had JUST gotten used to living with just a TBI, and now it feels like I have several obstacles to overcome again, and with only one semester left of graduate school, that feels like a huge obstacle. Knowing the money that it's going to cost to go see all of the doctors (that I don't have!) and figure out what's wrong with my head and why these things are effecting me so early in life is very much taking a toll on my body and mind. If I was 75, maybe it would be understandable... but 30? Really? I just want to be done with my master's degree! For now, I'll keep writing down all of my silly medical questions, advocating for myself in the appointments, and continue trying to plug along! I don't really have another choice. So this is it. If my family were here, probably not much would be different and wouldn't change anything although I know they would like to be near me. Their proximity wouldn't change anything unfortunately. So right now I'm in the middle of yet another waiting game. Graduation in May... please Lord Jesus, come quickly. And those are my emotional and raw thoughts for today.
Love,
Amy Christine