Medical bills & Cleaning

I can't stop crying. I feel like a basket case lately. Everything seems to send me over the edge, and it's driving me crazy! I don't have any idea how God will intercede in this right now. What does he have planned? WHY the medical crap to deal with? So, so many bills and not enough money. I feel like a charity case. I HATE having to submit myself to my community and friends and ask for rides. For someone who is INCREDIBLY independent, to constantly have to wait around for other people to be going to the same place I am, rearrange my schedule to make something happen, or pay lot's of extra money that I don't have to get something at a store because going to a cheaper one wasn't an option... Yeah, frustrated. I've emailed the dean at my school and my social worker at the hospital I was at to help me think outside of the box for COMPS and these bills... I just feel like I'm getting in over my head and I'm frustrated with our American system for health. If you read my previous post, I'm frustrated with many things, but bills for going to the hospital for something that IS NOT MY FAULT seems like an injustice. I don't know who should pay for it, but I certainly shouldn't go into debt for it.

The more I think about it, I know my medical woes upset the people who love me. I get it. When people tell me about something tragic that happens to them, I just want to DO something. I'm a fixer. It's so helpless when there is nothing you can fix or do. Just being there with them IN IT feels like you're not doing anything for them at all, but the discipline of presence does mean a lot to the person going through it and feels alone. But for now, I just cry out to God to provide for this crap if we're not getting any answers from the medical community. If I have to go through it, then provide for it as well. There's nothing that I can think of for others to do for me in all of this but pray for some mercy and money, or deal with the bills people so I can concentrate on studying for COMPS at the end of February. 4 months and I'll have my masters degree, be done with school, and start to deal with all of the stuff I'm putting aside now for the sake of time. And maybe start writing my book then too in the beauty of the Colorado Summer.

Amy Christine

I cleaned today (which is incredibly therapeutic for me) and listened to this song by Sara Baraeilles over and over. It seemed so poignant for today and what I'm going through right now. If you haven't heard her, look this song up. You won't be disappointed, promise. Thought I would share.

Many the Miles by Sara Baraeilles
There's too many things that I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets
I haven't seen
You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
You would've thought by now
I'd have learned something

I made up my mind when I was a young girl
I've been given this one world
I won't worry it away
But now and again I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then Love comes in

How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and I'll be happy to follow you Love

I do what I can wherever I end up
To keep giving my good love
And spreading it around
Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that

Sing how far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Send me the miles and I'll be happy to
Follow you Love

Red letter day and I'm in a blue mood
Wishing that blue would just carry me away
I've been talking to God don't know
If it's helping or not
But surely something has got to got to got to give
Cause I can't keep waiting to live

How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and I'll be happy to yeah
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
Been talking to God don't know if it's helping or not
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
Oh send me the miles and I'll be happy to
Follow you Love

There's too many things I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets I haven't seen