Negativity & such

A few key people (whom I love and will probably be offended that I've written this) have said that since my stroke, I've become more "negative". Maybe so, and maybe the assortment of drugs that the doctors have me on play a role in that too, but the way that Jolene put it the other day was awesome. My glass isn't half full or half empty, IT'S ALL FULL. It's just full of good things and bad things, and I call things like I see them now. It took me having a stroke to realize that LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL AND COMPLEX, which I think I knew cognitively beforehand, but now I've seen and tasted it for myself. Struggles that I thought I had before the stroke now seem like paper-cuts because I've seen and experienced what true hard work means (Thank you Donna for that lovely analogy!) If I see a beautiful sunset or majestic mountain view, I comment on it. If I see something tragic, like a friends father dying or I do horrible on a test, I comment on it. That's not me becoming negative, I just call things as they are and that filter of "Don't say this because it might be negatively portrayed" is gone now. Maybe the "ideal" of me even having it has also a figment of everyone elses' imagination of who they thought I was or wanted me to be. The filter is still somewhat in tact, and I notice it still being there when I hold my opinion if a friend looks chubby in her jeans or people are in-passing asking me about my day, I'll just say what they want to hear because they aren't really taking the time to listen to me anyway, which is beyond annoying. Don't ask unless you really want to hear it from me. I know that will upset some people in my life, but it's not negative to just call things as they are. Since when is that a crime?

Simple things for many people have turned into catastrophes for me. I had a meeting at 3pm on Monday. If I still had my car and was "able bodied", it might have taken 90 minutes. Instead, it took me 4 HOURS. How do you plan for that when you have to take the 12 bus to the F line train to the appointment and then the H line to the 30 bus to the ART bus... yeah, no one EVER tells you about those things. Yes, taking the bus means I can be independent and not rely on others. But it also means that I have to take away from time I could be studying or reading for classes to sit on the bus. Boo. Yes, I could be doing some of that on the busses, but carrying my books is a pain too. These are things you don't think of when you just have your car and can run your own errands and have your independence and dignity. Walking in the cold for 30 minutes tonight because I needed to be there at this supervision meeting to finish my internship and to be at without my gloves in the Colorado cold at night... Do I not have the right to be a little peeved? Sorry, I just needed to vent a little here. There are so many things where I have to do X to get Y in order to achieve Z and I'm just freaking tired of it all.

Many of you already know this about me, but God likes to speak to me through Country music. Not the twangy old stuff, but the Country hits from today. Sugarland, Darius Rucker, Brad Paisley... you know. And usually while I'm doing my cleaning at the Downing House or for the houses that I clean for in Littleton. Anywhoo, this song by Sugarland has been speaking to me a LOT lately. It's like they KNEW me and were singing it about me. There are so many lines where I'm like "Yup, that's me" Anyway, here it is. "Little Miss" by Sugarland.

Little Miss done on love,
Little Miss I give up,
Little Miss I'll get tough, don't you worry 'bout me anymore

Little Miss checkered dress,
Little Miss one big mess,
Little Miss I'll take less when I always knew so much more

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again

I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Little Miss do your best,
Little Miss never rest,
Little Miss, be my guest, I'll make more anytime it runs out

Little Miss you'll go far,
Little Miss hide your scars,
Little Miss who you are is so much more than you like to talk about

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again,
I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay

Hold on, hold on, you are loved, are loved

Little Miss brand new start,
Little Miss do your part,
Little Miss big ole heart beats wide open, she's ready now for love

It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
Yeah, sometimes ya gotta lose 'til ya win,
It's alright, it's alright, it's alright,
It'll be alright again, it'll be alright again
I'm okay, It'll be alright again, I'm okay (okay) It'll be alright again, I'm okay,
It'll be alright again

So negativity, being a fighter even when all the odds are stacked up against you, continuing to do the things that people said aren't possible, keeping going when all the other voices say stop... I feel like that is how life is for the next 4 months, and I'm slowly learning to accept it. I could not, but the next 4 months are going to happen whether I want them to or not. So bring it. Satan, I know you have tricks ready for me and I may not like where things are right now, but that acceptance piece has been huge for me right now. There might be a lot of things that I can't control, but letting life be what it is in this final season of graduate school is stinking tough. Probably the hardest things I have ever had to do yet. So the next four months will be tough. Ive already told my housemates that I'll see them again in May, and will be buried in books until then. But I think it will be worth it in the end. Push through.
Love,
Amy Christine