Frustrations

Life right now. Let me paint you a picture of my daily frustrations... I mean, daily life while I finish school. Dr. Millen (my neurologist) took me off ALL caffeine sources, so no Coffee, chocolates, colas, even Excedrin. I found out around May that High Fructose Corn Syrup (which, mind you, is in EVERYTHING, from ketchup to breads) is a trigger for my migraines. So I can have water and MAYBE some decaf teas. I have Cricket service for my phone, which has service in every state but isn't very well known. I don't have a contract with them, but now pay "one low fee" per month, but just got a new phone with them and haven't figured out how to make it silent when it charges without constantly being on vibrate. With the seizure last week, I haven't had the time to sit down and try to figure out how to make it quiet. May not seem like a big deal, but it has been for me. Just one more of the MANY things to deal with.

With the seizure last Sunday, my life has been taken back over by the fruitless search for the WHY's with the doctors, which, of course, I'm not getting any answers. Since I don't know who knows what, I just don't say anything, which the silence is frustrating in and of itself, because I just don't say anything and it's just the "untalked about" topic. It's also frustrating when my money for medical expenses is quickly fading. I had amazing people that gave money when I was in the hospital for all of these medical bills, but it's almost gone. I don't have the money or the time to continue to go to doctor upon doctor and try new medications or tests and hear "we don't know what's wrong with you". Awesome. Then can I have my co-pay back because you went to medical school for a decade but still can't give me any answers? I mean, that only seems fair, because you didn't do anything for me, so why should you get paid? Actually, can you pay me, because I gave you an hour or more of my time and I'm walking away with nothing except more frustrations?

Health insurance. I have to deal with them on a daily basis, and it seems if you're incompetent, then you can find a job with the health insurance companies. The company I was with during the stroke was AWESOME and dealt with things in a swift and quick manner. When I went back to work for Starbucks in the fall of '09, Starbucks switched companies and that's who I'm now paying COBRA with. After my SSDI checks each month, I can pay rent, COBRA, and then have about $390 to pay for gas, car insurance, phone, food... you know, the essentials of living in America. Talk about living creatively on a very tight budget. Now that I'm not driving, I got a return on my car insurance and no gas for a few months, but with my housemates giving me rides to all of the doctors appointments, I'm using the money that I budgeted for gas for coffee etc. to "pay" them. I've pretty much sold off all of the things that I don't really need, so I can't think of other things that I can sell. If my morals wouldn't hold me back from doing some illegal things, maybe it wouldn't be so tight. I have a blood disorder as well (one of the only productive doctors appointments since the stroke), otherwise I would probably at least give plasma.

Since Vocational Rehabilitation is paying for my school's tuition, books, and giving me a bus pass to go to school and my internship. Without it, that would be lot's of money that I don't have. When I get done with school, it will be great to just have to pay back the loans that I took out before the stroke. I realize that there are LOTS of blessings in disguise from the stroke for all of the complications and things that it has taken from me. Also, with the seizure, for some reason, my memory is back to what it was a year and a half ago. I can't remember anything again. In conversations, I find myself going "Did I already say that?" Talk about demeaning again. Hi, I know my license says that I'm 30, but I feel like I'm 5, so... Between having very few things that I can eat or drink, living very creatively on an extremely small budget, having to depend upon others when you're extremely independent, having a stupid cell phone carrier because you can't afford anything else, health insurance people that seem to enjoy running you in circles along with doctors, a few months until I finish school but several exams and hoops to jump through until then, looking for jobs back in Indianapolis but 1000 things to do before then... Good golly. I have a lot of crap to organize in life in the next few months, huh? I've thought of a 1000 things I could do- just drop out of school for the next few months and do the classes I still need over the summer or in the fall but I'm TWO classes away from being done when doctors said I would never go back. Both of my classes for the spring have weekly quizzes over the readings. I haven't had an intense book semester since the stroke, so this could be very interesting since my reading comprehension is now 3X less than what it used to be. I think I'm just too stubborn to not finish now. So like so many other things, I think I'm just going to deal with the crap and finish the next 4 months against the odds. Life the last two years, this will just be an opportunity for God to show up, right? I am cleaning houses for friends to make some extra money to make ends meet. Now with not being able to drive, we're going to have to be creative again. A friend of a friend had a stroke this week, probably late 30's. It's brought back a lot of raw emotions for me reflecting on the last two years for myself. Things that I NEVER thought would be a part of my own story. Ugh, frustrations. This isn't a "Oh, look at how hard my life is right now, feel sorry for me" post, it's a venting about what I'm having to do to accomplish what I'm thinking I'm being asked of in this season. And that's me venting about the crap that I have to wade through to finish school in this season.
Love,
Amy Christine