caffeine

No wonder I had a stroke. I hadn't had caffeine in almost 8 months, and yesterday after talking on the phone with my neurologist about why she had me give it up, we decided to "challenge" it by taking 2 Excedrin (they have caffeine in the tablets, in the two capsules it was 130mg), and I took it about 4:30 in the afternoon. My intake before the stroke was at least 2 or 3 cups of coffee a day, sometimes at most up to almost 1,500 mg of caffeine a day, I figured out once after the stroke. And I wonder now why I had the stroke... Looking back I just shake my head and realize that just because the coffee was "free" because I worked at Starbucks didn't mean I had to drink it all at one time! Oh, If only Post-Stroke Amy could have a talk with Pre-Stroke Amy (Jolene and I are calling her PSA, for pre-stroke). My resting heart-rate last night was 108 (yes, that's Tachycardia. Again, should have gone to Medical school). I couldn't fall asleep without the help of THREE sleeping pills, and am now DRAGGING today, wondering how I ever did this. Oh, I just would have another cup of coffee when this feeling came up, that's right... WHY!? Can you see me beating myself up over this? All that to say I am going to finish reading for my New Testament class tonight and watch some of the Office with Michael's last appearance and probably hit the hay because last night wasn't any fun!

Personal Life

Once again, had another awesome time with Jolene this week. That woman has been like the Lord's megaphone for me over the last year and a half. Love her. Yesterday, she said several profound things to me, but one of which I simply had to write down. One thing she is worried about after I graduate is my being a workaholic, which I could definitely see within myself to have the propensity for. I think somewhere along the line, I got it in my head that "shallow" friendships aren't worth having... and everything has to be "deep"... Not sure where that thinking has come from, but I think my drive to recover has come from it too, so it's not "all bad" necessarily. Jolene said something while we were talking about this that was very deep though, and it went like this "Its your personal life that is the core. Have One" I think that goes for a lot in life. If I don't take care of ME, actual self-care, after I graduate, I can work myself to death, easily. I know I have the drive to do that. When I do something, I do it 110%. So in 17 days when I graduate, I am going to play it up. Enjoy Colorado. I've been writing down places I want to go or see for weeks now, especially if I am going to be leaving to go back to the Midwest at the end of the summer. I'm going to take back my life since it's been taken over by books, exams, papers, and the like for 3.5 years. I deserve some fun now. So before I leave, I'm going to experience Colorado and it's beauty. Especially since gas prices have been so high, I'm going to hike a lot and bike ride to enjoy it too :) Anywhere special that I should go or see? Suggestions welcome!

Bruise

Yesterday I went into the emergency room for a migraine headache, and I think I've talked about them on here before-- how there are different levels of them, well, yesterday was at the worst. I couldn't get any relief whatsoever from my pills at home, and knew the only course of treatment when it gets that bad was to seek medical help, ie- the ER. Oh Joy. I had slowly diddled my way down all day of things I was not going to do, like going to class or reading, until I finally said that the pain was not going to leave unless I got IV drugs in me. So with tears in my eyes I admitted to one of my roommates that I needed one of them to take my up the street to the ER at the hospital. Yes, I could have walked there myself, but I knew that I should probably have someone with me or else I would get yelled at later for being too stubborn ;)

So I went up there with my friend Nathan from the community and they tried to insert an IV, but the tech who did it literally FISHED around in my arm for 15 minutes to find a good vein. Granted, I have excellent veins. I have phlebotomist friends (blood tech's) who have said they could draw my blood, blind, and in the dark-- that's how good my friends and my veins are. Not one to brag, but come on. So as the fisherman was there trying to stick me and find my vein and I'm squirming and trying not to 1) hurl because I'm nauseous from the migraine 2) scream because it hurts so bad in my left arm! 3) punch the fisherman because of reason 1 & 2!!

I now have the gnarliest bruise on my arm from yesterday, and feel like a 5yr old little boy showing off my bruise. I just want to show it off. It's kind-of a battle wound. Not cool to have to go into the ER for a migraine at all, but kind-of cool to get to have this to show for it! So I've sent pictures of it to a few people who aren't nearby to see it just because it's cool, you know :) That's how I roll! :)
Love, Amy Christine

Music Within

I just watched one of the most amazing movies of all time, and if you haven't watched it yet, make time for it. Worth it. It has it's depressing moments for sure, but I felt as though I was watching the story of my life playing on the TV screen. At one point the main character's mentor says to him "You don't need to change people's mind's about disabilities; you need to help them change their minds about themselves". I think that is what God is doing in me, through me, in spite of me, and somehow raising up a righteous and Holy fire to speak up for other people with disabilities somehow. What that looks like still has yet to be determined, but God knows. The movie "Music Within" was well worth it, and will be giving me things to be thinking about for quite some time now. I am going into this next week inspired, prayerful, rested, and thinking of lot's of things. 28 days left to the semester. Less than 1 month from now I'll be able to relax finally!! YAY!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BM5uXgbg4QM

A to the Men

This week has been blessed. Most weeks are, but this week has had several shining moments that are worth highlighting. It has been an emotional ROLLER coaster of a week. Laughing, crying, snow falling, not sure what else the weather is going to do outside and making havoc with my head (which is always so fun when you battle with migraines...)

I got to defend my answer for my Comps re-write this week and found out that in 30 days, I CAN GRADUATE from this program. 4 years of working my tail off for this degree, and now it's coming to an end and feels SO GOOD. Then I got to turn in my LAST graduate school paper. LAST paper. Last night I got to discuss one of my favorite authors of all time, Viktor Frankl (Man's search for meaning, seriously, check it out. Has changed my life!)

First I had my license but constant migraine pain when I started grad school in 2008, then I had the stroke in 2009 and had to relearn how to do everything and had no license (among other things), then I got the license back but with restrictions, then all the restrictions taken away, then the seizure and no license and back to the begging for rides and taking the bus everywhere, and today then I go my neurologists appointment, and she gives me the go ahead to get to driving again! With gas being like $3.50 a gallon, I probably will still be taking the bus as much as I can to save on the $$ since I still have no job and all, but the idea of not being a shut in and having freedom right now is breathtaking. Seriously, I couldn't have done this week especially without the love, prayers, and encouragement of my family, friends, and Downing House Community. So blessed. I said it to my friend Blake last night as we were talking about what I was going to share for my testimony when it's my turn to share my testimony for the group, and I'll say it again now because it bears repeating. GOD HAS CONTINUED TO PUT ME INTO CHRISTIAN COMMUNITIES TO RECEIVE HIS LOVE. Not that I don't love being a nurturer, encouraging, praying and baking... but I really think that part of His grand design in all of this for the past 14+ years of us walking together has been to keep me in community to see HIM at work through others, as frustrating and human and broken as that can be sometimes with fallen humanity. But I love it. It's helped me to keep the faith and remember that there WILL be a purpose for this, even if I can't even see a glimpse of it right now. And that's okay. So with those great notes, I am off with my new insurance policy to pick up pills from the store and buy myself some ice cream. Because I'm worth it.
Love,
Amy Christine

I am part hummingbird

My latest obsession (and these come weekly mind you, so next week it will probably be something different) is putting Colorado honey in warm-ish water to dilute it, and then adding enough cold water to make it taste "normal" in temperature. I love how hummingbirds like sweet water, and it's something that I'm craving lately too. And it helps with my Colorado allergies... so it helps me drink more water, stay full of my water (we deplete it so fast here in Colorado at this altitude!), and I like it. A lot. I just need to find a place that sells it in bulk. Which would probably be easier if I actually had a drivers license right now. Details. And those are the things I think about after a few very emotional days of being on a roller coaster, crying one minute and laughing the next! Welcome to the life of Amy having her affect back!
Love,
Amy Chrisitine

I passed COMPS!

Something I have been worried about since starting this program is how I would do on this massive end exam we shorten to "Comps" for "Comprehensive Exams", because who even talks like that anyway? Anywhoo, so after the stroke when my memory was REALLY affected and I could barely on most days tell you what I ate for breakfast, the idea of RE-LEARNING 4 years worth of information in about a month, was well, daunting. It made me nauseous to be honest. Not that I love studying to begin with, but re-studying things that I had already learned because they were literally lost after 2 brain surgeries... yeah, vomit.

So then I learned a few weeks ago that I PASSED all but one section and had to retake it, and it was the Social/Cultural Foundations of counseling that I had to re-write. And I had to clarify a few of my answers to the person grading it as well today. So today I learned THAT I PASSED. God must have had favor on me (which, for some reason, not really sure why that same reasoning hasn't worked for the last 25+ months...), so in 32 days from today, I get to walk across that stage with my friends (many of them walk last May already, or have moved away), but I get to celebrate all that I have worked for for the last 4 years! And I turned in my LAST PAPER of my grad school career as well today, so I'm feeling pretty good right now.

You have got to be kidding me

You know what I love? I love finding rides and waiting for the rides that I DO find to show up. My ride on Wednesdays to school has been Nathan, and that has worked out perfectly because he has had Hebrew in the mornings and I have just done work in the library while he's in class. However, Friday is his last day, so I'm stuck without a ride to campus, again. I took this class to have a ride home with Tara, and then she dropped the class. Now Nathan is done with the class too, and I can't drive until the end of the month at the earliest. Everyone else that I know of lives down near the Seminary. So I think it's going to be the bus or light rail and walking for the rest of the month for me, which makes me overflow with joy, I can hardly contain myself. If you could see me right now and the expression on my face, you would know just how much I'm looking right now! :)

Happy

Ever since I was in the ICU, I have had this to go to bed with. He has been with me on several trips to MI and MN, and maybe a few others, but this memory is a little faulty these days. Through many fights, battles, tears, moments where I did not know what choice to make, days like today where I snuggled back into bed for a Sunday nap because it's snowing in April (mind you- I had flip flops on yesterday... this Colorado weather can't make up it's mind!), Happy has been there for me. I'm 30 years old, and still have a stuffed Zebra from my good friends Emily and Jenn all because the first hospital I was in wouldn't let us have flowers. Ever since, Happy has been by my side. It has a pierced ear now from the second hospital because I had a nurse who was about 5 foot tall as well and said that all good things come in short packages, so it's a little angel from her, and then one of the girls in the family that I lived with last year gave me a necklace so I gave it to Happy. Happy's stomach ripped open at some time, so I think my mom had to do "surgery". We've been through A LOT together, and anyone who says that a 30yr old needs to give up their stuff animals can shove it. That's what I have to say about that. You don't know the ---- I've been through. Happy provides me with a little comfort, which is more than I can say about just about anything else, and it's not causing anybody harm, like alcohol or drugs or something, so let me have my stuffed zebra. So Happy, this one goes out to you. I love you very much. Thanks for making all of the moves with me and sticking by my side (granted, I know, you didn't have a choice in the matter, but eh!). Can they make a 30 year old male version of you please now?

Like a wind-up toy

Jolene (my counselor) made a GREAT analogy on Tuesday (in case you haven't noticed by my mentioning of her on here, I like her. A lot. She's been a GOD SEND) She said Graduate school (specifically here at Seminary) is a lot like a wind-up toy. We sit in classrooms and listen to lectures and get wound up some. We attend chapels and listens to some great preaching, and continue to get wound-up some more. We read books- more winding. We write papers- more winding. We study for and take comprehensive exams, and get wound-up some more. We do all this work and put all this money into a piece of paper or a plaque on our walls that says that we're "competent" to be doing what we're doing, and even then, we could get sued (thank you ethics class). Just because we want to help others or we felt "called" into this. 43 days from now, I'm going to walk across a stage and get my MA in counseling. Never have I worked so hard at something. I know I've said that a lot, but seriously, the nights, the tears, the hours, the books, the money, 4 YEARS of my life gone to get a degree to help others because I know what it is to hurt too. It may be a different population that I want to work with now from what I originally intended when I started the program, but I believe God in His providence knew what was going to happen and had that all lined up for a purpose. I don't need an MA in counseling to prove that I know what it is to hurt, but to apply for jobs come this summer in Indy, I will. I'm scared to death. 4 years of winding up and I'm about to be let free. I haven't known "freedom" since George W. was in office, and even then, I don't think I really knew what I had.

Some of you already know and have walked with me through the decision to say yes when they asked, but the Seminary asked if they could do a mini-documentary on my story of recovery. I'm terrified. I hate talking about myself. It's probably one of the leading reasons that I'll probably just elope. Just saying. Anywhoo. So they asked if I would share my story of what God has done in my life in the last two years. After some prayer and counsel, I said yes. I felt like God had been pushing me to share my story for awhile anyway. No idea what that meant, and then this came up. I think they are related. God is good. So the "shoot" date keeps getting moved back, but right now it's looking like the end of April, and they have already interviewed one of my doctors. It will also probably consist of my Mom, another doctor, one of my really close friends and possibly a few more, and I've asked a few of the nurses but they have yet to get back to me yet. So it will probably be three minutes of interviews of those people who were there in the thick of it for those intense few months and myself.

Last night I saw a trailer for the movie "Music Within" about a Vietnam Vet who became deaf in the war and ended up changing congress and governmental agencies to hire the disabled and not discriminate... and I feel like that might be what God might be stirring in me right now. I might not "look" like I have a disability even, but I can be a voice for those who can not speak up for themselves with my education. Maybe that is what my degree is for. Anyways, excited to see this movie, make this documentary for the school, and learn to unwind. 43 days. Finished the draft of a paper that I will get to turn in for real on Monday. So now back to reading. And for a change, back to Ethics, since I haven't done that in over a week.
Love,
Amy Christine