He is so good to me!

Some amazing things have fallen into place in very divine ways lately. I'm still unsure of WHY, but I have to believe that there is a reason (or reasons) for me being at Children's Hospital in Highlands Ranch right now. As it opens. Without a background in healthcare at ALL... but simply a desire to learn and to want to be a part of that journey for other kids. When my new co-workers and I have swapped stories, I hear over and over that "I've been trying to get into Children's for 1,3, or 5+ years" and "I applied to 10, 12, even 50 positions before I got this one" and all I can do, with tears held back, is know that I DIDN'T get this job. I was hired off my resume and cover letter. I applied as a formality to get me in the system to be hired once an offer was going to be made. I cannot think of an "earthly" reason for me to get a job in the emergency department admissions... with my master's in counseling... But it's an amazing system to be a part of, I really like several of my co-workers, there are such great benefits, such room for growth, and I'm finally working my way off of the benefits that have been my bread&butter for WAY TOO LONG now. Not that I'm not thankful for what they've done, I'm just tired of living so strapped, and not being able to do much of anything. So to actually go shopping, and begin to pay bills that have been piling up or in forbearance... There are no words. The only one's that come close are "Oh, so this is life!" I've learned to live beyond bare-bone and without most luxuries (although I know I'm incredibly blessed!) but after living that way for almost 5 years... this is a nice change, to actually have a paycheck I could spend on more than just the bare necessities to hardly make it.

I had been praying since even before I got this job (and then all the more-so when I realized I had to be in Highlands Ranch at 6:30, and would have to leave before 5 to catch THREE buses, in the snow, to get there- hopefully on time). I knew that God had opened the doors for me to have this job, and that He was big enough to provide help with transportation there too. So a few weeks ago, I get a call from my friend Alicia, who I had staffed a retreat with a few months prior. This woman is amazing. I digress. "We have an extra mini-van that we have lent out to missionaries on furlough that you could use for awhile. The last people that borrowed it had it for 8 months. No cost." Tears. I couldn't contain my joy for the provision. I don't know WHY I doubt that God will come through in miraculous way... I am a WALKING MIRACLE now... but still. To have that tangible need met when the prayers had been silent... Amazing. I'm almost to my 4 month anniversary of living back in Denver, and in that time I've gotten an awesome opportunity to volunteer at the hospital that I relearned so much at, this great job (even if it still is so overwhelming and leaves me exhausted daily), a private apartment & room, a bed to sleep in that's not an air-mattress, a fantastic new church community to call home, great new friends and re-connecting with friends from my past, this van for awhile and a bus pass through my job, getting to work with Vocational Rehab & Craig Hospital again about job goals and them getting to advocate with me for what I need (it's still really hard to advocate for myself yet- I still feel like a burden with my TBI, although that's getting better daily as I grow more confident)... I'm blessed. He's looking out for me. I still have my good days and bad days, and in my more confident moments I can speak powerful truth and reminders to remember His faithfulness. I'm likely going to get a tattoo (for my 5th anniversary in February) on my wrist that says "Miracle" to remind me again on those days when it's not as clear.

Moving to Denver has been a HUGE leap of faith and lesson in believing. If He says it, He will follow through, Days, decisions, and life won't necessarily be without pain(s). But that doesn't change who God IS. If I call myself a believer, that I need to act like I BELIEVE. A line from a song on the radio recently came on and said something to the effect of "Is the man that I am lining up with the man you want me to be?" That's some soul searching. I have lot's of relationships that are curious about this Hope that I cling to, even in the midst of daily pain and circumstances that I wouldn't wish on anyone. My response is almost always the same. 'How could I not believe after witnessing all that He's done for me?' You don't have to, and that's your choice. However, for me, I've seen too much to not know He's real. And working. And so so good and faithful to me.
Love,
Amy Christine

Employed at CHCO

Such a big and exciting last week! I started orientation & training this last week for Children's hospital. I'm exhausted from not sleeping (my mind just can't seem to turn off yet!!) There is SO MUCH to learn, and SO MANY SYSTEMS AND ACRONYMS, but the potential for growth with this system continues to leave me speechless. I get misty eyed just thinking of the ways I've LONGED to connect with a good health system to offer redemption & hope to patients for the last 4.5 years... I've wanted to combine my own story of being a medical anomaly with my degree & my faith to offer some of the hope I've experienced myself. I've gotten glimpses of what that might look like and it's brought TEARS to my eyes along the way. I've had several set-backs and discouragements along the way... But the HOPE to SOMEDAY be doing something like what I currently am hired to do hasn't left... Oh. Such relief to see the potential finally here. To grow. To move around in a great system eventually.

The benefits of this company are amazing. I'm still in awe. I *may* have yelled out "A TO THE MEN" during all-staff orientation to something-not even sure what now! We get health benefits for part-time, a bus pass, a weight watchers program support, tons of discounts, and a concierge on STAFF who's there to run some of our errands like oil changes, dry cleaning, and mailing packages for their employees at no extra cost to us! So although there is much to still coordinate with my transportation and so much to learn and become familiar with (as with any new job!) it's been awesome so far to see God show up and help me recall things on very little sleep! That just continues to reassure me that I'm right where I'm supposed to be! It's also reassuring to hear from many of my coworkers that they applied for 10-50 positions... And know that I was selected "because of my cover letter and resume" and my process wasn't 1-3 years to get in, but rather a couple of weeks. Again, that's not ME. "I" didn't get me into this incredible system. Apparently, there is something that my passion, story & degree will do there. Tears for what it will continue to be. Years of praying for a position like this to grow into. A platform to offer hope and redemption. Something that has been so near and dear to my heart. Where I become alive and can SEE the deepest needs of people in crisis (as often only a medical crisis can bring out those existential questions, and I've learned how to personally handle the "gray" and not knowing the answers yet)... Ahhh. Alive. Blossoming. Growth. Sometimes painful and certainly not easy to continue to HOPE, but an amazing feeling to simply rest and know that I'm where I'm supposed to be right now. That HE IS GOING TO CONTINUE TO TAKE CARE OF ME! That has continued to be such an awesome truth to cling to in the deepest part of my being. Just to know that I know. It's not really something I can yet truly articulate, but just an assurance deep within my Spirit that probably looks delirious and crazy to the outside world. And that's ok. Faith rarely makes sense to others. I realize that much of my story doesn't make much "Earthly" sense. That's probably God's point in most of it.

I can't describe just how content life is right now. Sure, there is still a long list of things & needs that I'm wondering HOW God is going to show up and provide for. But I've SEEN HIM provide! It's been humbling, made me patient and seem stubborn I'm sure, but I'VE SEEN IT. Experienced it. Tasted it. I wouldn't trade this journey... Although there were many times when I questioned and would have pressed fast-forward or changed the HOW'S... But I'm more confident in my Faith and His Providence now. I've heard from so many friends that they would have brushed off my advice as a "simple Christian platitude" but they've known my past so they know and trust that I mean it. That's powerful. That's redemption. That makes the unexplainable 4.5 years more worth it. If only for the ways God has & is using those events. Deep hurts & brokenness. Yearning for a day to get OUT of the pit that I was in. Off the current roller coaster.

So, with much love and a content and confident soul at rest for the first time in a LONG time, I'm loving sharing my journey(s) with you all! I'm excited to see what lay ahead for me here and why this place. So stretching, but so good!
Love, Amy Christine

He was with me

Ahhh. Yesterday was beautiful. I went to my EMDR session (SUPER intense counseling for you non-counseling-speak friends) to deal with my stroke and my attack. I've KNOWN there is more baggage to deal with under there, even if I try and shove it away and "not deal with it". Since that in-turn affects my health... I've said it's finally worth the investment of digging some crap up. Let's face it- buried emotions are cancerous and eat at you, your health is one of the first things affected. People RARELY see that connection, and I'm becoming much more aware of how my health goes (food, emotions, weather- they ALL affect it!) So it's been time to deal with some of the stuff that I've KNOWN is still in there. Thankful for the resources of time to do so right now!

While at EMDR yesterday, my counselor had me imagine my Posey bed (literally a mesh tent thing that I was zipped into while in bed- at night and for naps) and imagine myself in that state with my eyes closed and holding these buzzing paddle things used in EMDR work. I was Frail. Broken. Without a voice. Scared. Having NO SAY of much of anything that was happening to me. I asked Jesus where He was in the midst of all of it. I started SOBBING when He showed me He was with me IN that zipped up tent, holding me. One of my favorite moments of the day was after a shower then was to be wrapped in a warm blanket (if I ever win the lottery, that's one of the FIRST things I'm buying. HEAVEN!) and He showed me He was even surrounding me with His presence IN those warm blankets. This wasn't a "I want some reassurance so I'm going to tell myself these things to make myself feel better move"; this was God SHOWING me- "Daughter, I WAS THERE. This is HOW. Seeing you in pain hurt me too. But I WAS THERE even in the midst of it, even when you couldn't see, feel, or acknowledge me. BUT I WAS THERE." Tears just streamed down my face. I needed that visualization. That reminder and picture of where He was. I KNEW He was in my heart, but seeing where He was during the crazy-up-in-the-air months made me relax and recall some of the good moments in the hospital and how He was IN THEM. Sigh. So many years and months fretting over how I thought I was alone. Tears when I realized I was NOT.

We'll get to the attack eventually- that'll probably be in a few weeks yet. It's amazing how things you've held on to for YEARS can be dropped in a moment after a revelation like that. I'm grateful for it's releasing from my body, mind and memory. It hasn't been good for my health, outlook, how I've seen myself, and continued to move through life! AHHH! I can breathe again!
Love,
Amy Christine

Women at the Cross & "Thin places" in Denver

Since I haven't written in a few weeks, I wanted to share about two really awesome things going on for me lately.

I got the privilege to staff at a women's conference this past weekend. AMAZING. One of my (many) favorite moments of the weekend was on Sunday morning during worship. If you've spent much time with me, you know I take responsibilities very seriously and can be not so nice to myself "if I fail". I had EVERYTHING set to go for our worship time- the power point, the worship set- all were checked ahead of time and set to go- I even reformatted a few slides to be viewed easier. And then it was time to hit play- and I realized that THEY WEREN'T THE SAME- the songs didn't match the slides?! My first thought was "these 75+ women aren't going to be able to worship BECAUSE I SCREWED UP MY JOB!" So through my tears and breaking down, I managed to find the right things and started the set- probably less than 10 seconds in reality but felt like AN ETERNITY of everyone watching me fumble... Alicia, who was overseeing me for the weekend in this role, came over and ran sound for the few songs while I cried and worshiped with our sweet prayer elder for the weekend, Elaine. I looked out at the women attending, and they were all meeting with Jesus- some crying, some face down, some kneeling, many with hands raised high... and God reminded me- 'I don't need you to have my way with my people'. It was maybe the best worship I have had in a LONG time... I could meet with God even through "my failing". My friend Melissa reminded me after that session that "I am not powerful enough to mess up what God is doing". That's soberingly beautiful!

One of my pastors in Indianapolis talked about the idea behind some Celtic theology- the idea of "thin places", or places on Earth that allow us to see God unlike other places. I can think of a few places like this in my walk 17 years with Jesus. New Georgia, Liberia; the decks on the Anastasias with Mercy Ships; the Downing House in Englewood; Smoky Mountains in Tennessee... and many others. Craig Hospital has over the last 4.5 years become a thin place for me. I can no longer walk the halls, interact with patients and doctors there, or be anywhere in that hospital and not remember what transpired 4.5 years ago in my life. If I am being totally transparent- the **** hit the fan, and the floor completely dropped out from under me. It's been incredibly sobering to have doctors tell you that you are a medical miracle, and you shouldn't be here or "this" recovered because of _____. Um, that doesn't happen. I never wanted to be a medical miracle or defy science- it's never been on my "to do" list... but now I can consider it an honor. For ALL that we know about the body, the brain, the neurological functions... my body didn't "play by the rules". I'd like to believe that God has something to do through me that He couldn't accomplish bringing me home to be with Him yet. So He intervened and made it so that it wasn't yet my time Feb. 25, 2009. I still am uncomfortable talking about it BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TALK ABOUT IT STILL. There's this tightrope I walk between coming off prideful or weak and not knowing how to deal with being a living-breathing miracle. We ALL are, but to become one again at 28 in some very surprising events... uh, I still stumble with the words so for now, I usually am tight lipped about it all. How do you talk about something this amazing when "there wasn't a reason to cause it" and you still don't have the words??

All of that supernatural intervention aside, Craig was the place that I got to first-hand SEE that transformation. I came in and couldn't swallow. Couldn't walk. Couldn't talk. Had no recolletion of anything. And I left 2.5 months later talking. Walking. Swallowing. Remembering (somewhat. Ok, this may be a stretch since much of that didn’t happen until like a year later). VERY MUCH still questioning WHAT just happened to me and HOW GOD allowed that to happen to ME (still sorting through that existential question, but in a MUCH healthier place of questioning it all now after counseling and having some dear friends walk with me and not rush me to have it figured out yet!!) Folks, Craig has come to symbolize this point in my life. Highlighting a thin place of so much healing for me. Where I could literally see the difference from coming in one way and leaving a completely different person. I get to be a part of that in other people's stories' now. It may just be volunteering yet, but this is where I want to be. Need to be. I needed someone then that was further along in their journey to give me hope then that there was going to be a day where a wheelchair wouldn't be my reality. Where I could go to the bathroom unattended. Where I could swallow and talk again- without thickeners and really eat foods again. That I would still accomplish things, even if the doctors were dampening my hopes for X,Y, and Z. I get to have a part in other's stories of regaining abilities again. This is a thin place for me now, where I can see God working in me, through me, and even in spite of me. I WANT to be a part of other peoples' wrestling with the very questions that I was asking 4.5 years ago, and still letting go of the not having answers. I've been there. I can get it. I want to be a part of other people asking those very questions, and wrestling through the finding the answers themselves. The struggle and journey as you question is beautiful, and I think many American's just 'want it to be done and over with' or 'just accept it and move on'. We don't deal well with grief, especially if we don't have any answers or platitudes to accompany it. So many withdrawl because it makes us uncomfortable to not know what to say in return, and we go to where we can "feel useful". I've become ok with the gray areas. The places that don't have answers. Where words fail. Where just being is enough.

So these are my thoughts from Women At The Cross and volunteering at Craig again. Things may not look at all like I thought they would in Denver, but He is providing and I am excited to see what else lay ahead!
Love,
Amy Christine

My Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde

Yes, I know that no one really likes the rain. And rarely do you feel productive when you just want to sit in front of a fire, drinking hot chocolate and reading a book. I get it. But I've noticed in the last few weeks since being back in Denver just what a DIFFERENCE it makes when it's nice out. Sun shining gives me hope and reminds of the great things around me. My perspective easily shifts. I'm hopeful about my future again. I can give voice to what God might be doing around me. I can recognize the many, many blessings that are around my life. I can speak of them with confidence. However, when the skies open and it will not stop raining, as it did for much of last week, I want to crawl and hide. My body physically takes so much effort to do the most basic of functions. I have no energy. I'm completely lethargic. My head and muscles aches and throb. I want to curl in a ball and hide, forever. My perspective is incredibly focused on self-preservation. I just want the pain inside to STOP.

On the outside, I "look" fine. I sometimes force myself to get dressed and participate in life, although that's rare. However, inside, I am hurting. And I get tired of talking about it. I've been asked "Well, why don't you just stay in bed then?" Deep breath. If I stayed in bed ALL THE TIME that I felt crappy, I would never leave. And after a few days of being bound to your bed, you go stir-crazy. So, I've mastered the art of continuing with much of life while in the midst of pain(s). Try going to graduate school with a constant headache that could just morph into a migraine whenever... I've learned some of my limits from my stroke, and will never again ignore all the signs leading up to that event. I'm now passionate about medical coverage, because I didn't think anything could happen to me either. Thank you Starbucks insurance. And now I can be thankful for the event for being more cogniszent to my own body and taking care of this temple that I dwell in on Earth for now.

All that to say, the Sun in shining again today, and my body is taking a deep breath of relief. Relaxing from the chaos that was last week, hiding in my bed, afraid to emerge. One of the things I am most excited about living in Denver again is that I get those days SO MUCH MORE OFTEN. I can be who I really was created to be. The person who emerges when it's rainy out is a shell of a person, drudging through life methodically, simply trying to survive until it's an acceptable time to return to Bed. I know that's not who God has created me to be. So I will stand tall and proud on these nice days out. And rejoice and sing of the New Creation that I am. I want to learn (with time) how to do that even when it's not so nice out, but that's a hurdle to get over next time it's rainy. For now, I will stand firm in the Sunshine, remembering all the good that He has done for me!
Love,
Amy Christine

Thankful & Content

I had a great day today. Things were relatively pain-free (at least not to the point of it distracting too much from what I was already doing) today, and that made me happy. I met with a woman I had met last weekend at church for coffee this morning, and then for lunch with a friend I haven't seen since high school. Both were fantastic, and felt so natural again. I'm just starting to come out of this victim mentality and constantly listening to lies- about who I am, what I'm capable of, what my future holds... I realize I went to a Seminary and have my master's degree in counseling, but after the crap I've been through in the last few years with my stroke, break-ups, constantly being a medical anomaly, and my assault- you start to believe the lies that are lobbed your direction. It hasn't been until recently that I've started to see them as false... but letting go of that baggage is a completely different story. Believing that you actually have something worth sharing with others... I haven't been able to see it because I've hidden in the dark, cowering, afraid. The musician(s) Jason Gray and Kari Jobe, along with a study I've recently done by Christina May Gibson on my Sufficiency in Christ have begun to shed light on some of the ways I've hidden in the lies and the fear. I know I have a powerful testimony, something I prayed for when I first became a Christian... I just didn't know I was going to have to endure things to GET THAT STORY. Somehow, I thought it would just be "handed" to me... oh no.

Today was beautiful. Meeting for coffee and then with my friend for lunch- I got glimpses of what life could be like with less pain and speaking with other women about Hope. Although we talked about what happened a few years ago in both conversations, it remained just a "yes, this happened to me. And..." I'm getting to the place where it's something God has brought me THROUGH and I can talk confidently about it. 4.5 years ago I never imagined this day would ever come- I just wanted to walk or swallow again. Being able to speak confidently of what GOD has done IN ME was NOT in the forefront of my mind then to be honest. I knew eventually He would, but I was preoccupied by daily life then to give it much attention. Now I'm beginning to see redemption. I'm tired of shrinking back into the shadows. I'm tired of listening to the lies, or believing that they have any truth. But if/when you have been victimized, you suddenly get it. You realize how much it's like a vortex that eventually you don't remember what the light looks like any longer. For months, that was this web of lies and shame that told me I had done something to deserve the pain(s) I was in, it was my own fault for the situations and consequences I was in, that there wouldn't be an end to them, that I was being punished for something... the lies got ugly and unfortunately I believed them. The silence of the one's around me (whom I often wouldn't let in anyway) reinforced these false belief's... that maybe I would have stopped believing sooner if I had. Thankfully, I have faith in the One who sees me differently than I have in the recent past. Thankfully, He has a purpose, yet TBD to my eyes. It's going to be awesome. He has restored my view of who He is and How He takes delight in me. That's pretty awesome.

I NEVER could have imagined that I would be used like this. By beginning to open up slightly. Helping to proclaim truth just by my miracle of a life. Remaining faithful during the not-knowing weeks to what I did know to be true. Choosing to leave all known comforts and stability behind on the Faith that life could be different from what I knew currently. Bypassing the details many fret over with my shoulders shrugged with a "I don't know. However, I trust" because I've learned not to squabble about the details. Not that they don't matter, but often we won't know with certainty until we get to Heaven anyway. So I'm relaxing my grip on what education or training I have had, and I'm getting back to what really matters- loving people well. Reclaiming myself in How God created me. Putting aside the polarizing politics and theologies. Stepping into the unknown(s) yet again. This is far from easy. But He is worth it. Abandoning myself to what may lay ahead is worth it. I don't know what lay ahead, but I'm trusting that He has a plan.
Love,
Amy Christine

What COULD have been

I've been reflecting as of late on how my life could have gone if just a detail or two were changed. It's scary, sobering, and awe-striking how many things could have changed, but I can honestly say now, that I'm thankful for the things that never materialized or came to be.

I realize that after several of my own circumstances, things could have played out VERY differently. I smile THANKFUL that none of my past relationships worked out actually now... because many of them we would probably now be divorced, with a few children and my ex-husband in jail. I'm still thankful to be MISS NIXON and not Mrs. _____. Most days at least. If I hadn't met the Lord in High School... well, a Christian undergrad to study YOUTH MINISTRY and a Master's degree from A SEMINARY wouldn't have even crossed my mind. I would have laughed at you for even mentioning such a thing. I would instead be a teacher or a nurse. If I hadn't crossed the ocean to go with Mercy Ships to West Africa (without knowing anyone before I went), I wouldn't have met some of my dearest friends that I still love to pray with and catch up today. Seeing some of the world's deepest povertys' and injustices would have not alarmed me as much to come back to the stark contrast we live with daily in America.

If my brain hadn't exploded (That's one of the times that I feel free to be graphic. Because it did.) then I wouldn't have SO MANY resources after at my disposal to help me try and navigate life now. Because, turns out, America isn't very friendly to someone with a traumatic-brain injury. Especially mine but then also achieving my master's degree in counseling, a profession based upon insight, discernment, and memory. If things had turned out differently, I wouldn't be here today, and would have died in my sleep. Try that line at a cocktail party :) If I hadn't moved back to the Midwest, I would have clung to the idea returning later to be closer to family once I had a family of my own. Trying handfuls of medication(s) to control my seasonal depression helped to show me that there isn't a quick fix for how depression presents in my body. Being sexually assaulted is a WHOLE mixed bag, and has been only slightly processed thus far still. His choice(s) resulted in his divorce and a criminal record, but those children will not daily live with thinking that it's OK to treat a woman the way that he did to me or his wife at the time. There was so much survivor guilt and shame (it's typical with assaults) but was compounded all the more so after my stroke, and recent relocation and grief of a break up. My chronic pain(s) have allowed me to have compassion on others who also have some sort of medical ailment, that the medical community has no idea what to do with. (Side note- it's incredibly frustrating to sit across from a doctor and have them tell you "We don't know why". My response is almost always internal of "then I shouldn't have to pay for today's visit, since you went to school for a dozen years and I still get to be a mystery" Ok, rant done.)

I know of a few people who have had a few similar circumstances in our lives, but we have reacted very differently to them. Usually, with most anything that I go through, I often meet someone with something similar around the same time. God often gives me the insight in interacting with them of "You know, it could have gone this way instead". This is not a "My way is right" post, but it is interesting to be able to see if I had made other choices- even in responding- to what has happened to me that has been out of my control, how things could be different. Both of the communities that I have gotten acquainted with from these two specific events- survivors of domestic abuse and strokes/neurological issues- I've had amazing insights since. Generally, those people are often still incredibly defensive, scared, wounded, shamed, and honestly- I think there may be a spiritual piece of control to the messages that keeps someone bound afterward. I'm grateful for God bringing along people that have patiently walked with me for the past 4.5 years and spoken TRUTH into my life instead and helped to correct the wrong beliefs I have held onto. Still, I realize that it's a spectrum and there is much that I still need to admit to and own up to, and more freedom to be attained yet.

As time enters the picture, giving me space from my traumatic events, I'm becoming more thankful for them. I always wanted "to be normal" (whatever that might be). Thoughts randomly pop up in comparison with others- 'well, what if SHE was fired, broken up with, assaulted, got a traumatic brain injury, were a medical anomaly, etc' then... This course of thinking is NEVER fruitful and just how Satan likes to distract me from the point of what I should be learning or responding. I didn't want to be different- for any reason or anything, even if it was a positive thing. Because I was gifted and smart. Because my brain was now rewired. Because I was a survivor of sexual assault. I don't want to flinch anytime I am alone with a man again. I don't want to be haunted by my past, afraid of those things happening again. But I'm thankful for the ticket to be able to enter in with people in similar situations and be able to proclaim hope instead. That it does get easier. That the night-terrors are real, but will diminish with time. That even though it doesn't feel like it now, you will be able to speak with power to proclaim freedom for others someday. That the fact that they have survived is a rarity in and of itself to be proud of. Many, if not most, sink, cower, and shrivel up. I'm not a victim. I am a survivor.

Both events took things from me that were out of my control. But I am still here. I'm still fighting. Temporarily knocked down, and forever changed, but I'm excited and energized to speak about some of those painful things now. Still in small groups or with individuals, because admitting what happened in any format that is larger still feels shameful. That's something I can dig at in a later time. This is a spectrum of acceptance, and I'll get there. But the freedom that I have begun to experience is amazing. Life changing. Invigorating. Not that I at all wanted these things to happen to me, but I'm becoming more thankful that I've been changed because of them. It's part of what makes me unique. An overcomer. Differences to take pride in now. I'm thankful to be able to see what has happened to me as opportunities for God to enter someone else's story that I get to interact with. To be that conduit of hope. I always said that I wanted a testimony I could be proud of and that would speak with power- I just didn't realize that I'd have to go THROUGH tough times to get THAT story. I still have healing to accept. To allow the change(s). I'm not anywhere where close to where I can speak confidently of the things that have happened to me with the power I know God will someday have in them. But that's OK. I'm beginning to embrace the journey to acceptance. And my story is not scripted as anyone else's either, so the comparison games are useless. And with that, I pack most of my things to move in to my new apartment in the morning. I know that this is going to be an exciting year with lot's to learn!
With love,
Amy Christine

Redemption :)

I’m tearful again as I write this, as I writing from the cafeteria of the hospital that has given so much back to me. I was at Craig Hospital after my stroke in 2009, and relearned how to walk, talk, swallow, and began to think critically again after my dissection. 3.5 months in the hospital, 5 weeks that I can’t recall any longer- just gone.

I had a meeting here earlier this morning, and I’m going to see one of my favorite OT’s this afternoon, so I’m sticking around. When I was a patient here, I couldn't remember my breakfast from that morning. That remained true for about another year or 1.5, even being in graduate school. Beyond humbling to have to re-learn how to learn and go back to school (which used to come easy) and have it take everything to remain alert enough to concentrate on school. Anywhoo… I’m sitting at a table in the cafeteria today and people are walking by AND I REMEMBER THEM. THEIR NAMES. WHAT WE DID 4 YEARS AGO TOGETHER. They may have just drawn my blood or been a receptionist that I would walk past as I was relearning stamina with my stride again, BUT I REMEMBER WHO THEY ARE. That’s a big deal. I’m going to celebrate it.

There is a verse in Genesis 50 that has come to mind so many times in the last 4.5 years. “You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good…” (Genesis 50:20a) It’s been humbling to talk with doctors that worked on me after my stroke or performed my surgeries and have them tell you “You should have died” or "If the stroke had happened even a fraction of a centimeter over here, you wouldn't be able to ____" That’s sobering. It has taken hearing it a few times of it for me to not sob when some medical professional says it to me again, usually while hold my scans of my brain. The scans that I have are truly a miracle. There are no other words. Even doctors who don't profess Christ tell me that. What Satan intended to harm me, has actually been utilized by God to turn around and let others see Him through my broken body. Again, humbling. Not how I would have done things. Not how I would have written the story. He’s using the broken and deep hurts within me to let others see Him at work.

Although there are bright spots of accomplishment over the last 4.5 years, it hasn’t been easy. At all. It’s been incredibly refining, humbling, and beyond hard. I've continued to push through- I'm not giving up since I've been given another chance at life itself. But little moments like being able to remember people at Craig today- that is totally needed as I’ve become weary with the chronic pains and my moves. I’m grasping for some stability in a land that often misunderstands what it is to live with a traumatic brain injury. I get the opportunity to live and prove their conceptions wrong. That's a big deal too. I don't take it lightly, but there are days when giving up seems like a much more viable option. But instead, I continue to ask God what else He would have me do. To let go of others' opinions and work for His approval instead. Just thought I would share the awesomeness of today's events with all of you! Much love from Denver :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Still needed...

So, this move to Denver has me un-nerved again. My very pragmatic friends are freaking out with my details still TBD (and honestly, it's hard to continue to resist going to those depths too). I've learned in the last 1.5 years of living in Indianapolis that GOD DOES PROVIDE. Even in the midst of "How is ____ going to come together?" Um, it has and it does, regardless of how it might feel. Or look. Or... doubts, worries, and my own weaknesses have lurked around every corner and every decision here. I know for many, they can't comprehend how or why I'm giving up trying... when my response is that I can't continue to live in this intense physical pain and depression that manifests itself physically and can't be treated with medication(s). I've tried. It didn't work. And going to a place where I don't feel some of the pains as intensely with many doors opening for me- I need to try it again. Most of my details still need to come together.

I have a roommate, but we're still looking for a place together (in the DU area of town likely).
I need transportation (I learned how to use the public transportation while I lived there before, and though it adds like an extra hour or two on to where you are going, it's probably the option I'm going with at first).
I need a job. I've applied and several places seem promising, but nothing has come together yet.
I'm not sure how I'm getting out there or even when. Most likely flying the middle of August and shipping my stuff separately.
I don't have a church yet that I'm going to go to. This is one of my biggest desires and I know God will provide a great family for me to plug into, but I just don't know where exactly yet.

So, the decision has been made- I'm moving. But living where, how I'm getting there, transportation around, where I'm working and worshiping... all of that still needs to come together. I still have plenty of social connections in the Denver area, and though they have changed with time, I'm excited to return and live life with them once again. I really wanted that here in Indy, but I could never get past the traumas that happened to me here to allow God to connect me with people to make this feel like home. That breaks my heart because I wanted it here.

So, if you have any connections for me- transportation, job(s), housing, churches... any of those details, could you pass them on please? Being on the edge of this cliff is un-nerving but I also know & trust that God will provide. And that's one thing I'm soliciting the help of my web friends to help me in this process of moving again. Love you all!! :)

Love,
Amy Christine

Moving to Denver

I'm under no delusions with this move back to Colorado. I KNOW things will be different with my friends- they & I have had almost two years apart and things have changed, Babies were had, marriages strengthened, school finished, jobs started and ended. I'm not going back into the Grad School bubble I had before or my Downing House community, which were both instant families. All I know is- my pain was less while I was there and with increasing doors closing in Indianapolis, I have to try someplace new... where I may not be in horrid pain all the time. I have accepted that I may always have SOME sort of pain (head, myalgia, food, allergies, whatever) and for many of them- I'm thankful. It's made me a much more compassionate and emphatic person to be able to enter in to prayer for my friends who are also plagued by mysterious ailments. (No, you don't have to have them to pray, but you do just understand a LOT more when you also have something that can't be figured out by modern medicine).

There are SO MANY mixed emotions going into this move. Feelings of failing- I tried moving here because I thought I was being called to Indy... But then I got here, went through a wretched heartbreak & shattered dreams and broken promises, then was assaulted, and got to try to pick up the pieces of my shattered self while managing PTSD & Seasonal depression while trying to navigate a new place and form new friendships. All of this while seeing myself as broken, a victim, completely abandoned, and the image I saw staring in the mirror when I would look at myself in the mirror was a shell of who I knew I was. I didn't realize the humidity would hate my body so much. I developed myalgia while here- where my joints would become arthritic and stiff, and found I had complicated food allergies (in a place where it's not hip yet to have them). There have been so many nights in tears wondering if I heard God wrong, why He would lead me into this dessert and valley, how He's going to redeem this time here. The last 4.5 years have been riddled with unfortune and loss. I most often feel as though my circumstances are a script to a daytime drama yet to be made. I'm tired of having to live out the DSM (after getting my degree in it, and being tempted often to self-diagnose). Although there have been some really sweet spots and friends and glimmers of hope throughout my time here (and it's NOT like I have tried and tried) I'm tired of striving. Of trying to make it myself here. The things that I thought would be here when I moved have disappeared, and left me disillusioned. So since it appears that my doors are closing in this city and opening in a place where my heart may have never left, I'm returning back to Denver. It's less running away from this place and more of a running TO a place that my heart still is. I'm going back with no car, no job yet, no church home, no doctors again, a roommate but no place just yet, and just the dreams of my pains being less intense and friends that have loved me even through my worst. This time I have a realistic view of what starting over may look like. The details are up to God to arrange for me. It's a scary transition but I have FAITH that God is opening all the doors I need to make this a reality! Lots of love and hope for a new start in a familiar city!
Love,
Amy Christine

Masterpiece strokes

She had me look only at the top left of the painting, which was blue, and try to tell her what it might all be of. Since it was sky, I said that, but it could have been sky for anything- a ball game, a house, a scene out of a book, and just the corner told me nothing. I admitted that only seeing the corner was not enough information for me to guess what the whole picture might be of. When I stood back and looked, the painting was of a seashore- some distant hills, the sandy beach, the sky with some clouds, two seaside white chairs to relax in, and rolling waves from the tide coming in. Although hotel art, the picture was beautiful. Having just that small segment of information, I would not have known all that the picture held. I only had a small glimpse. That woman was my counselor, and to be honest, Dawn has been used like a prophetess to speak into my life (and she probably has no idea. When we're honest, we have no idea what is used by God to tug at someone else's heart strings).

Right now, I see my life and what I have here in Indianapolis very much in part. I have NO IDEA why ANY of the things that have happened to me, or even what God is going to do with them. As Dawn pointed out yesterday, I've stopped asking WHY and turned it into a much healthier HOW focus, and begun to look for ways that I can grow from them. 4.5 years ago, my brain exploded, and I have cried buckets over how a stroke and someone with a traumatic brain injury could be used for God's glory now. I've viewed myself as very broken and bought into the lie that there is no possible way that someone "that" damaged could have a place in God's kingdom now, let alone a leader for others who are hurt to hear through them. 1.5 years ago, I was sexually assaulted by my employer. The PTSD, shame and fear that have ensued and the cocoon inside myself that I have run to "in order to stay safe" have almost killed me. Living in Indianapolis, the incredible depths of seasonal depression, mental health issues, loneliness, two broken hearts, living with the roller coaster weather & humidity that plays havoc on my body, longing to be back in Colorado (which I know would be running, but I've associated it in my brain as a place without pain now somehow)... well, it all scales in the painting for me to only see a small segmented corner. I wonder what the heck God might be up to IN ME. I used to ask and question 'WHY WOULD HE ALLOW THIS?' when I've started to search for 'HOW are you going to use this in the lives of others?'

Chronic pain (headaches and joints), migraines, a stroke and a sexual assault are ALL issues that I KNOW God can use and WILL use. I WANT THEM TO BE USED. All of those "sub-communities" need HOPE that there will BE A DAY WITH NO MORE TEARS, NO MORE PAIN, AND NO MORE FEARS. They need to know that God will make GOOD of what has happened to them, and THAT HE DID NOT CAUSE IT, but His allowing it does not equate Him to be Bad. Part of it needs to be that I come to a place where I can talk about what has happened to me without breaking down and sobbing because they were all tragic honestly. Part needs to be that I become healthier in accepting these parts of my story now, regardless of what the world tells me or the lies that Satan throws my way to get me distracted from God's end goal in them. I have to be able to admit what has happened and be able to discern what God might want to do or speak into someone else's life through me. That's what I've always wanted, and honestly what's NEEDED for someone with those wounds- but using my deepest wounds... couldn't their be a different or easier way? You really want to use these things that have been so incredibly hard for me, and want to tell others of your goodness through my deepest wounds?

I've recently been reading 'Hinds Feet on High Places' and so very much relate with the main character, Much Afraid. She gets paralyzed by fear over very small things, and I can very much relate. The journey the great shepherd takes her on to High Places seems grueling, and at one point she must trust the Shepherd and go completely out of view from the Mountains and trust him to lead her through the desert with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. I have felt much of what Much Afraid has felt since living in Indianapolis. I thought my life in Indy was going to look a certain way. Instead, almost every dream I had about coming here has been shattered, and I've had a lot of heart to hearts with God about my coming here or why I thought I was called here over tears. Ultimately, I have decided that He is good and He knows best. This life in Indianapolis is not even close to what I would have chosen for myself. I didn't want easy, but I had no idea staying here would be so incredibly hard to manage. So, as Dawn had me realize with the painting yesterday, I want my life to be viewed as a painting, in full. Even if I'm currently still working things out over the shame in one area, and that's likely the area that will be used (because I've seen God intervene in powerful ways through it). I'm a work in process, and becoming ok with the Mastermind's strokes to eventually make up the entire piece, even if it's incredibly painful in the making. He never promised this life would be easy. Only that He would never leave me or lead me astray. So I'm clinging to that today.
Love,
Amy Christine

The dreaded "dating" topic

I'm 32, and this is a well-known topic for me these days (unfortunately). I get that "dating" is awkward when first asking a girl out and all, but SHEESH. A few things have come up recently that I'd like to point out to anyone who might be reading.

- It can't be called "catching up over drinks" IF YOU HAVE NO PREVIOUS FRIENDSHIP TO PULL FROM. "Catching up" implies we've already had a connection...
- Stalking me days later through facebook just feels creepy. Especially if we didn't really have a connection in person, I'm not going to "friend" you in the cyber-sphere world. No. I want to say be more creative but I'm afraid I'll get a real-life stalker if I do.
- If it's a date that you're intending, CALL IT THAT. That way WE KNOW GOING INTO IT WHAT YOUR INTENTIONS ARE. I'm old enough to know better, be old enough to call it like it is please.
- If I'm out for a run, WITH MY HEADPHONES IN and dripping in sweat, I probably don't want to 1) talk to you 2) think that right now would be the prefect time to be asked out. Just no. Be more creative please. Find a different time, when I can actually TALK to you.

I'm not going to make this a lengthy post, but I don't get it. This realm still overwhelms me, and I'll admit that I've asked for blinders and that if God wants me to date, He's going to have to make it REALLY obvious. Until then, work on yourself, because I will be. Thanks ;)

Love,
Amy Christine

Even If...

Tears streamed down my face on my drive back to Indianapolis yesterday afternoon. One may think it was because I just left my family and beautiful little niece behind. Which was part of it. But this song (below) came on the radio. This song has played at many instrumental times in the last few years. As I was driving, this song echoed the cry of my heart. The lyrics are incredibly powerful. For someone who deals with multiple chronic pain(s) that have YET to find a resolution... this became my prayer & anthem as I drove back to Indianapolis. I could barely place my hands on the steering wheel because it literally felt like I had razor blades for bones covered by flesh. And I'm not being dramatic. And with our roller coaster weather, it also triggered amazing throbbing in my head. As it was down-pouring and I was *trying* to keep my car on the road with wipers that hardly work, I just let the tears come. I really AM usually a good driver- but this particular afternoon with all of these variables... I haven't had an episode that severe since I had a panic attack WHILE driving in college. Needless to say- I just thankful God was once again, watching over me.

Kutless- Even if
Sometimes all we have to hold on to
Is what we know is true of who You are
So when the heartache hits like a hurricane
That could never change who You are
And we trust in who You are

Even if the healing doesn't come
And life falls apart
And dreams are still undone
You are God You are good
Forever faithful One
Even if the healing
Even if the healing doesn't come

Lord we know your ways are not our ways
So we set our faith in who You are
Even though You reign high above us
You tenderly love us
We know Your heart
And we rest in who You are

You're still the Great and Mighty One
We trust You always
You're working all things for our good
We'll sing your praise

You are God and we will bless You
As the Good and Faithful One
You are God and we will bless You
Even if the healing doesn't come
Even if the healing doesn't come

That's SO HARD for me to swallow. THAT EVEN IF IT DOESN'T COME... He is still good. Somehow, He's more glorified IN MY PAIN than by somehow relieving it. If I'm being honest, that makes me angry and wonder an awful lot about God. Satan just needs me to doubt God's goodness even just a little. 12 years of migraines. 22+ years of chronic daily headaches. This horrific arthritis feeling since the fall, after I have had gluten or the barometric pressure drops. It makes me want to RIP my skin off, as though that might solve the aching. So instead I just pop more pills and feel more and more like a pharmacy. I lay in bed many days and just cry, because the tears are the only way I can find even a little release. It doesn't change the pain, but simply is the only way I've found to deal with it. The pills, the doctors visits, the question(s) that come with this... it feels like a broken record of whining. And I hate it. So I usually shut up because I hate hearing myself whine on about it, again. I "pretend" like all is fine. But it's not. And I hate talking about it because it makes me feel even more like a freak and anomaly. So I suffer in silence (except I can let it out on here because it doesn't feel as much like I'm complaining about it "since I'm not talking verbally about it all").

Even if. Regardless of how God CHOOSES to act in my life- healing or living with this all and then receiving my glorified Body someday (which I feel like I've earned it now!) does NOT change WHO GOD IS! Possibly this living in chronic pain has taught me to become more compassionate to those who live with chronic pain themselves, and to become more empathic to those suffering from "hidden illnesses". I can't say that I would have had this attitude years ago- even 4 years ago before my stroke, or before living in Indianapolis and becoming more mindful of the food I injest and it's affects upon me. We really are what we eat in so many ways. I'm thankful for the opportunity to start to realize how true that statement really can be. So for those of you who suffer with arthritis, migraines, or any other myriad of "hidden" ailments- I get an iota of what you may be experiencing daily. Maybe it takes getting something personally to experience the roller coaster of emotions that comes with having this to bear as well. So I'm stopping my pity party for myself in this and the maddening quest for answers, and realizing that what is currently is my reality. No offense, but I'll probably "brush you off" if you ask me to my face because that's become how I handle it all- pretend like it's not happening. If God chooses to super-naturally heal me, that would be awesome. However, it's been a maddening quest to try and find answers. So I'm dropping my quest and becoming ok with what is my current reality for now. That's not giving up, but rather peacefully accepting with the hand that I have at the moment to try and keep SOME sanity in my life currently. Just even having this outlet to write about some of my trials is a weight off of my shoulders to release it and start to process it. If you're still reading along after my processing of the not-so-pretty parts of my life, thank you. That means a whole lot!
Love,
Amy Christine

What's next?

So, some radical changes have come my way in the last week. I was terminated from my job last Monday. I'm scared of what is next, but I've also walked with God long enough to know He is always faithful. It just stinks when it was your dream job and something you had prayed from for so long to have it ripped away from you without warning. My physical health has been a nightmare again, and I've been in bed with pain in my muscles and joints to the point where even getting out of bed is a task, and the weather didn't help things last week either. I've gotten to reconnect with a few friends and a few to come yet that I'm really excited about because of what we shared, even 9 years ago- to watch that come back to life just over coffee again. Friendships that don't change are the stability that I need right now.

There's been something on my heart ever since I heard about it, and in talking things over with some of my pastors, think it could be a GREAT step in my faith. There is a 'Kingdom Living Training School' offered through our church, and it runs from August to May (9 months). It's part time, but it's all about learning to become intentional with a small group of people and learn to discern God's voice. There are about a half-dozen trips that are taken together as well.

I have "all the education"- I've been to a Christian university and Seminary- which I LOVED and grew so much in my faith because of. I've done a similar program before- Segue- aboard the Anastasias in West Africa with Mercy Ships (which was so challenging for me and helped me to pray more fervently for Missions efforts). However, I have not been stretched like this in several years. I had my stroke in 2009, and for a long time after, was trying to sort out what it meant to be a stroke victim. After some WISE people surrounded me, I substituted 'victim' for 'SURVIVOR' and began to shift how I viewed the event in my life. I was told that I should have died, but instead survived. That's sobering at 28. Then shortly after my move to Indiana, I was sexually assaulted. I carried all of those lies & shame around for weeks, thinking I had done something wrong or somehow to deserve it, very much a victim mentality. I've viewed myself as broken, wounded, in need of fixing... and while that is true to some extent, I've had to shift instead to a stance and belief in myself THAT I AM INSTEAD A SURVIVOR. That's not to say I wasn't victimized by what happened to me, and I frankly wish they had never been- I liked some of the road I thought I was headed on. However, it's a mind-shift of perspective to look at life and yourself differently, to be able to speak of what has happened to you with confidence, and not to think that you are somehow being singled out or forgotten. Somewhere, along the path of the last 4 years, I've lost 'who I really am' to hiding behind the labels and performance of pretending that life is OK.

I'm simply applying to this school, while also looking into other job leads and considering other options. I'm just being obedient in applying right now. However, so much needs to happen in order for me to do this. I'll need a flexible part-time job. A more dependable car (mine will not make it through another Midwest winter). A new place to live. And I'll need to raise $3,200 by August. If this actually happens, I'll continue to only make my monthly bills and such through God's sovereignty. Again, that's sobering when so much around us tells me that 'I should have something more stable by now' or 'if I appear this recovered, then surely I should be able to ____" I want a big girl job. I want to do what is in my heart to do for others. I know God has a purpose for sparing my life 4 years ago and will continue to use my story- all of it. However, I'm afraid to admit that I may have lost 'me' somewhere along the way. In many rational ways, going to this school may look like I'm taking a step backwards, after having my master's degree- getting a part-time job so that I can learn more about myself and God, and I would have to fund-raise again (which is nerve-racking for anyone living on support!) But I'm confident that God has put this on my heart for a reason, and maybe there are things that I need to learn about Him and myself before I can step more fully into what God might have for me here. There is so much about Indiana that I just want to run from and things that haven't worked out the way that I envisioned them, and retreating back to Colorado seem(ed) like my best option. However, running away from this would be continuing that victim mentality and continue to perpetuate it. I don't want that to be me and the life I live. If something opened up in Denver, I would totally pray about making the move, but I'm not actively looking for opportunities at this point anymore.

So that's my current update. I'm sorting and processing through a LOT, and trying to discern what might be next for me. Thankfully, I know Whose hands this all rests in. He will make it happen if I am supposed to be there come August of this year. Thanks for continuing to follow along and love me through the web friends :) You all are wonderful!
Love,
Amy Christine

Things I've learned from the elimination diet

So far, the lessons I've learned about myself on this elimination diet have not showed me much about my headaches, but A TON about other incredibly random things that are almost as debilitating. Here's just a few of my fun triggers:

Soy milk: large amounts makes me incredibly lethargic. Other soy products (like edamame) don't seem to have that affect on me.
Sweet Potato's, Banana's, and high fructose corn syrup: these spike my daily headache to become worse. In the first two, I think it's something to do with them being high in potassium. Already knew about the HFCS, so that's a fun* carry-over ;)
Gluten, in the form of bread: I become a 95 year old arthritic woman. No joke. Death becomes my joints, and I WHINE. It's not pretty.
Coffee: I had hints at this one before, but my entire body turns into this shriveled, aching mess with a headache. I don't like it.
Fake sugars: Not sure which one's really yet, and not sure I have the stamina to figure out which does what, but they make my muscles and joints just scream in pain. So I'm avoiding all of them.
Yogurt: Nausea like the day is long, and just wanting to snuggle in my bed. Started to feel a spike in my headaches as well? Even my co-worker (who sits like 15 feet away from my desk) said he could hear my tummy rumbling. Yeah, that's not embarrassing! So, letargy, gas & bloating, and trying to sort out what is what- if I'm just getting a headache because or if it was really something that I ate! Oh, the joys of being a human experiment and petri-dish!

So all these findings lead me to believe that I should have at least gone to medical school myself, since I have made my body my own experiment. If not medical school, at least I should have found employment as a detective. Advocate schmadvocate.

So, as I've flirted with adding things back into my diet again, after months of abstaining, I have been surprised at how my body has reacted, and how it has responded. It comes with an incredible amount of fear when you consume something you haven't in several months (Gluten free since October, All-out diet since Thanksgiving). I've learned that this diet is do-able, but incredibly expensive, restrictive, and takes tons of forethought and planning. I've become MUCH more mindful about what I consume. Processed foods that most American's consume (because it's cheap and easy) has it's toll long term. And I don't want that, for myself, my health, and who I'm becoming. I will not be mastered by food and what I consume. If I had infinite money, time, and energy to prepare things ahead of time... I could do it if I had to for longer. But no thanks.

I'm excited to experiment with adding other things back to my diet. It feels like forever since I've had "real" food, but I have had a good time with making up new recipes and trying new things. Turns out baking is still therapeutic, even if things don't turn out the way they are supposed to. And Gluten-Free baking is like 1000 times harder than normal backing, with the different flours and such. But I've found fun things like Teff- it's an Ethiopian grain, and it's yummy and full of protein. But before all this, I had never even heard of it! So now I can try new things and not be so afraid. Salads, stews, & stir-frys have been my go-to's of sanity for the last several months. And I'm also happy to report that GOD HAS BEEN FAITHFUL IN PROVIDING MY SUSTENANCE. Apparently I needed that reminder, even though I already knew that truth. When you have like 1,400 less options of what to eat and what you can cost's like 3times as much as what you used to pay... I've gotten worried- but God has showed up and taken care of all of it, and reminded me that HE IS IN CONTROL. And He knows what's best for me, and is with me as I learn more about what's keeping me trapped in pain. Great things to know first hand to be able to attest to. So with that, I can attest that He has been with me, He is good and my provider, and can go to bed and dream of a day with no more pain and no more tears. Until then, I will keep on praying for a earthly resolution to this pain, and trying to find ways to cope with it!
Love,
Amy Christine

Lessons learned from my facebook fast 2013

I had become all too dependent upon social media to both update me on the people I love lives, and to report my own happenings. However, for Lent, it became my discipline to just not turn to it- incoming or to go to it & post. At first, it was stupidly challenging. Thoughts came up like "But I wonder what _____ is doing today" or "Surely, I need to announce that I just ______". But like all things that you train yourself to do or not do, just like my taking on these silly diets for my health reasons or training for this 5k in a few weeks, you learn to live without and remind yourself that it's not an option.

I wasn't giving it up forever- it was 40 days (and just 5 years ago I didn't even have an account), but no one needs to know most of what I would have been posting anyway. There were certainly times that I just wanted to "cheat" and sign on to see what people were up to, post about a new fun gluten-free recipe that I perfected, my new and fabulous job (after praying and looking for 21 months!), starting to come out of this most recent ridiculous diet (hello fear- I'm now eating things and waiting to see if it gives me a headache... who does this voluntarily again?) or whatever I would post about before... I've learned that I can do without. Facebook is not my master. It serves its purpose and place in my life, but it's a place, not an idol, (which social media can EASILY slip into!) Just like any other fast, it was a choice and a discipline to not go to it, to abstain- and to do something more productive with my time. So I used that time to exercise and prepare myself for this 5k on April 13th (and my only goal is to not die. I know that sounds dramatic, but it's the truth); to volunteer more (a therapeutic riding program for kids with disabilities, Riley Children's Hospital, and Common Ground Church with their children's ministry); to get to know the people in my house church better and more intentionally; to pray and learn to listen for God's voice; to become better at knitting (I finished a baby blanket for my niece in a month and it is so soft and cute!);
and to not WORRY and consume my thoughts with the stupid 'What If' lies that Satan SO EASILY creeps in and whispers to me. Don't incorrectly assume that this fast has made me so much more spiritual now and I totally have all of the answers and have become yoda or somehow enlightened... But I have seen some of the ways that I would unhealthily run and escape to facebook, in my fears as if facebook could do something about my insecurities, pains, fears, ponderings, or those times when you need just a good laugh or are missing my distant friends- not that any of those things are necessarily bad in and of themselves, but they had become an idol for me, where I would run to facebook before God if I'm getting really honest. I hate that- it's painful and ugly, and not what I want to be about or the life I want to lead. So I'm sticking with facebook even with all of it's flaws, but I no longer need it the way that I did before. I'll be on every couple days to update and such, but I wont let it consume me the way that it before. So continue to email, text and call me as those will still be primary. And as always, thanks for continuing to follow along with the roller coaster that is my life currently!
Love, Amy Christine

I love my job!

I just may be privileged enough to have one of the best jobs out there. Something I had KNOWN would be out there, and after what I would consider way too much time, pain, searching and waiting FOR OVER FOUR YEARS, I am now an Youth Advocate for youth with disabilities at a Non-Profit here in Indianapolis called accessABILITY. There are many days when I still have to make sure that this is actually reality and pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming. I get the opportunity to advocate and teach people under 25 life skills- anything from cooking to finding a job. This could be becoming more independent within their own home with their parents (most likely) or possibly assisting someone in college or just finishing high school find accessible housing, a job, etc.

I told my executive director this last week that I think that by learning to advocate for others... that I'm actually going to learn to be such a better advocate for myself. That excites me and terrifies me at the same time. My direct boss showed me the curriculum that we will be using with the high school youth, and this is an excerpt:
“I am a unique and special person. I
am doing the best I can. If others put
me down I need to remember that I’m
OK…no matter what anyone else
thinks. I do not have to prove myself to
anyone. If I make a mistake that
doesn’t make me a bad person; it only
proves that I am human. I can make
good decisions for myself and take
responsibility of the results. I am
great.” -Riley Hospital Self Esteem Pledge

Tears welled up in my eyes when I read that statement. I get to FIGHT for others who cannot speak up for themselves or may not know how. I get to teach them, and show them how. But most of it comes by embracing what makes them unique and no one else could do. That's thrilling and terrifying when you stand back and think about it really. I've lived for 30+ years not knowing how to make good boundaries for myself, and since receiving my masters in counseling but then having some terrible things happen to me personally, I've retreated into myself for fear of getting hurt further. But now, with making decisions to getting myself to a healthier place personally in most areas- spiritually, physically, emotionally, financially, relationally... I'm trying to remain open to whatever may come. I've hid in fear and pain for far too long, locked behind a door of unknowns caging me in. I was talking at working to someone who even had made the comment "most people just don't get it. But I know that you do. You have really been to the depths and wrestled with some hard questions. You might not have all the answers yet, but you allow people to just sit where they are, while maybe challenging a thought or two, but simply listening to them and their struggles..." If anything, after the past 4 years, I have more questions. I don't have any conclusions- actually they usually detract, distract, and discount what's really going on actually. So my thoughts 4 years later... I'm wiser. I have perseverance. I wouldn't do anything of the last 4 years over per se... but I wouldn't take it away either now. I've become stronger. I couldn't say that about the Amy at 28. So now I get to do my dream job- combining my degree and my personal experience to somehow fight for the rights of others. And we'll see what that actually looks like once I'm out of training in a few weeks :) But I could be happier doing what I love and being on this journey right now!
Love,
Amy Christine

"I can't even tell"

Apparently, I worship a God who is a show-off. I always believed in that truth for others... but doubt it when it comes time to believe it for me. I had one of the best doctors appointments ever this morning. I think I see a doctor for SOMETHING like once a week. That makes me want to vomit. But I digress. I have been waiting to see this particular new neurologist for 8 MONTHS. Talk about anticipation. He showed me the scans I had on file from the Stroke (2009) and from this fall (2012) and although you can still see the stroke's effect on my cerebellum in both hemisphere's, he was amazed that it was the same person sitting next to him in his office. He told me that someone with a scan like that, with that kind of damage, SHOULD BE IN A WHEELCHAIR. He even made the comment to the resident intern in the room with us "I really can't tell by her gait (walk) that there was ANY NEUROLOGICAL DAMAGE". Um, what? I've been told for 4 years that I'm NOT NORMAL, and you're now implying that I am. Can you tell that to those others doctors who have doubted me please? Please, SHOUT THAT LOUDER.

If you only KNEW the lies and attacks that come with a TBI, migraines, joint pain, these constant headaches- I don't know what a life without pain would even look like. I can't even fathom that. But for you sir, who are a trained professional in this field, to have gone to school and have years of experience in this field, to say that... Tears. Unspeakable Joy. Relief. Not only has my hard work paid off, BUT HE HAS DONE A MIRACLE IN MY LIFE! HE REALLY IS A GOD WHO REDEEMS AND MAKES ALL THINGS NEW!? That isn't just something I can say, but now my life IS A LIVING TESTIMONY OF THAT! For my friends who aren't believers yet, that's fine and I love you, but I can't make sense of some of the things that have happened to me and God has literally done something else entirely with them. The evidence is too clear, and I'm not going to get into a theological debate at all with anyone (for we're all entitled to our own beliefs), but faith in the GOD WHO IS IN THE BUSINESS OF RESTORING ALL THINGS IS WHERE I AM PUTTING MY TRUST! These things don't make sense, even to the medical community. I'm beyond pumped today, to go to work and make coffee- for I have hope again. Hope that there will be a day. And that God is doing something big- in me, through me, and even in spite of me. So keep doing it Lord. I don't like the process but the stunned look from professionals is totally worth it. So keep doing what you do best.

Love, Amy Christine

Grateful

4 years ago my brain exploded. That word is so graphic, and I would cringe when my Dean of students would use it when referring to how my brain was now different after my stroke on 2/25/2009. I didn't like it because it was so graphic, but when you look at the situation, that is what happened. My brain exploded. There were probably many reasons leading up to my stroke (my obscene caffeine intake working at Starbucks, my perfectionist tendencies and the stress around me being in graduate school with constant headaches were only 3 that I can think of 'non-medically'). I'm not to the point where I can say 'Happy Anniversary', because although I am grateful for God intervening that fateful day and using it to make me into the person before you today, I'm not necessarily happy for it. Grateful, yes. Happy, no. Thankful to not be the person that I was before the stroke- so naive and having God in a box, trying to go overseas to do something with Sex-Trafficking... Not that those things aren't still important to me, but I feel a new burden State-side to work with people with a disability. This population is hard to reach because they are so defensive and many can approach life from a victim mentality. I know, because I have been there myself. Discounted and told all of the things you CANNOT do. And you believe the lies because they are coming from 'professionals'... after all, they went to school for this.

I am grateful that God saw a plan much bigger than myself or my desires, my needs, and cared more about reaching this population and wanted to use me first hand in telling them about the Hope and Redemption that only He can offer. He wanted me to have the knowledge of living out those trials myself first hand, AND getting a degree to help me on the more professional side of things. I have both. This is not how I would have done things... but there's a lot of responsibility that also comes with being God, so I'm just accepting that which is now. Yet, I'm also trying in many avenues to make the current me and future me better- in my health, spiritually, medically, physically, educationally, relationally, emotionally- in all of those areas I am pushing myself to grow and trying to surround myself with people that will help me to grow, even if it isn't "comfortable" (I mean, really- who likes to work out and train for a 5k?)

I very much am in this "not yet" season of life... I don't have yet the things that I thought I should have, but I'm not whining because I still believe they are coming. There are lessons I have to learn about myself and life before God can trust me with them. And I'm getting to a place when I can say that it's ok. You may have noticed a different 'Tone' in my blog lately. It's not a 'giving up' tone, but a grateful tone of becoming more thankful, even for small silly things. I am thankful that God is teaching me more about life and how to be thankful for the smaller things that turns out, aren't so insignificant after all. I'm doing the "Joy-Dare" (http://onethousandgifts.com/) by Ann Voskamp, and she challenges you to look at the life around you and each day, be thankful for 3 things, which usually seem insignificant at the time. 3 things that are white; 3 things- from your pantry, your kitchen, your bathroom; 3 things that are tin, wood, and glass- and I am finding that giving thanks for these smaller things is making me grateful for the things that are not yet. I'm needing to be in a place where I can actually receive the things that I have prayed for and to not see God as this omniscient vending machine- that if I just do these things a certain way, he'll reward me with what I have prayed for. Those things are blessings to help me on my journey, not destinations in and of themselves (as I could have been tempted to see them before if I'm being honest).

Thanks for continuing to follow my journey even 4 years later. It means a lot to know I still have people who love me and are reaching out, even in this 'Not Yet' space that I am in. I'm amazed at the person that stands before you today, and never would have thought this would be my journey. But I am thankful for where life has brought me and the lessons that I have learned along the way.
Love,
Amy Christine

A new job, and reflections on the last 4 years :)

I am so beyond excited to start MY NEW JOB! After over 21 months of the searching, interviewing, following up, dreaming and then getting let down in the process, I HAVE A BIG KID JOB! I will be the newest addition to the Access Ability staff helping to teach disabled youth life skills. Although I was 28 when I had my stroke, having to re-learn every day tasks like walking, swallowing, and speech are universal and really don't matter about age. They are humbling to relearn at any age really. I believe the job will be helping disabled youth learn more life skills like laundry and cooking, which again, I had to re-learn over the course of the last 4 years as well.

One thing that they asked me in the interview (and is still yet unknown to me) is how I'm going to align with a client with a more outward disability that I can personally relate to their disability, even though mine is not "apparent" when you first meet me or interact with me. My honest answer was "I don't know yet". I don't know if I can say without a doubt "this is my answer of how I will approach all clients" because they are still an individual person, disability or no. On many levels, especially with my 4th year anniversary this Sunday and a currently the up and downs of these stupid headaches (this time because of the weather changes this week)... I wish on so many levels I did not have chronic pain or the stroke and it's effects on my life to manage as well. It's debilitating to say the least and very few people can even fathom what it's like to live with a TBI, chronic pains, the aftermath(s) of multiple traumas, mental health issues that cannot be battled with medications, or living at a fraction of the poverty level. I know there are several of my friends that deal with one or two of these, but all of them combined make me feel like a hot mess and a burden. However, I've had to stand back and consider myself BLESSED for these things to manage. Apparently there is someone that wants to walk with me THROUGH these things. He even wants TO USE ME THROUGH THEM. Although I hate that on many levels, it does comfort me to know that I have a Comforter that promises to be WITH ME through it all. I would not have the level of compassion that I have nor the desire to work with kids with disabilities IF IT WAS NOT FOR THE THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME. There is a line in a song that has been on repeat in my head lately that says "YOU WORK ALL THINGS, TOGETHER FOR MY GOOD"... which honestly, is BAFFLING. I am still astonished that God not only ALLOWED these things to happen to me, and HE WILL USE THEM FOR GOOD IN MY LIFE. All of them. I don't want to deal with them, I would much rather attempt to "clean" myself up to then be used... but apparently that is not His plan.

So I start this new job on March 4. This sounds like an amazing opportunity to walk beside kids under 25 to speak hope into their lives and remind them that even WITH their disability that there is a plan. They can still do what they or others around them deam "impossible"... That was honestly one of my favorite things to hear from others and THEN prove them wrong. Walking, talking, swallowing, going back and completing my masters degree, driving again, living independently... I've heard the gamet- from the medical community and others 'who thought they knew what they were talking about', and yet, silenced the speakers by accomplishing what they said I could not do. So, on my 4th anniversary this weekend, I thank them. Thanks for doubting my abilities so that God could instead have the glory for doing what you had deemed impossible. Thank you. Thanks for allowing God to show up and do what He does best in my life, and being silenced instead. He knows best. Even in choosing me to live THIS WAY and have compassion and personal empathy with those that the world might discard and tell them that they cannot _____. I am excited to instead speak hope into their lives and be a different voice, one of a different tone. I consider it a blessing. This job is going to challenge so many things about my life, but I am so excited for that growth! What an honor 4 years after my own stroke for me to have this kind of job working with others in a like position to attempt to navigate life together. So these are my thoughts as I have my 4th anniversary and start this new job!
Love, Amy Christine

Hello again Memory!!

My memory. It's a very, very puzzling thing to live life, but not really be able to recall it, like many of the people I'm surrounded by. That's not a pity party for myself, I've just accepted this as the way I'm wired now. The fact I passed my comp's in May 2011 (an exam over the entirety of ALL of my grad school classes in one day, like 25 books and 12 classes and multiple weeks of preparation) continues to be testimony to God ALONE who allowed me to pass that. Actually, MOST of the last almost 4 years have been a testimony to His Grace. Even my chronic pain(s) now continue to allow me to keep things in proper perspective that I'm broken, finite, and have allowed me to become even more compassionate with those who also suffer with hidden or undiagnosed illnesses. Anywhoo...

So today at Starbucks two amazing events happened. For someone without memory problems or a TBI, this may not be a big deal, but I'm still BEAMING from what happened! First scenario, a customer walked in that I had been introduced to several days ago, and I still remembered his name and what drink we had been trying to get him to try, and those were my FIRST words out to him. Even as the words left my mouth I simply smiled at God with a smirk and said [in my mind] THANK YOU FOR THAT JESUS!? Second: About an hour later, a regular customer at my old store walked in to my new store, and even without having seen him IN MONTHS, I remembered his name! 2 years ago I could remember my breakfast. Today I could remember a man from months ago. That customer couldn't remember my name, and then said "Wow, I'm really impressed that you remembered me! You must be good with remembering people" ...If YOU ONLY KNEW DUDE. Funny thing about that... but I kept my mouth shut for today, and maybe someday I'll say something if the time is right.

However, today it was just a smile between God and I. About where I've come and what HE has now allowed me to do. I WOULD NOT HAVE CHOSEN ANY OF THESE OBSTACLES THAT I HAVE HAD TO ENDURE FOR THE LAST FOUR YEARS! You have to be kidding me. My life is better than a soap opera. So, I may not be curing cancer with my work. I make coffee and I babysit kids. I certainly didn't think that 8 months later, I would still be at Starbucks. However, it's a good job for now. And it allows me to connect with people that I may not be able to if I was working someplace else (where I might actually have to utilize my degree and education for my work with my clients). And that's ok. For now, God is providing, and little glimmers like today remind me again that He is GOOD. He has the best plan laid out for me. For months now, I've been kicking and screaming about where I am. ("But why haven't you answered my prayers for______" like a whiny 3 year old) Recently, I've calmed down and accepted it. He hasn't provided a way out of this. So apparently HERE is right where He wants me. A temper-tantrum only tires me out when I don't really have extra energy and/or resources to spare. So I've accepted it and asked for things to remind me that He is still here with me. Not in a 'giving up' manner, but rather in an acceptance of what I DO have. And it may not be what people around me have- of monetary wealth or families of their own, but I am blessed. It just may not be on the same time-table as others. My worth does not come from others though. At the end of this life, they aren't the ones I will give an account to. So for now, I continue to ask for the grace to make it through another day, to be a blessing to those around me, to offer hope to those who need it, to remind them of His grace and redemption, and to be an agent of change somehow in their lives. Even if it's 'just coffee'. Turns out it can be so much more, and I'm thankful for those days like today to remind me that I am blessed, even right now. A to the men.
Love, Amy Christine

A way to see in the dark

My pain. It's a constant. It's something that I've simply tried to accept, even with ALL OF THE MONEY and things I've tried to a) make it disappear b) lessen in intensity and frequency. I smile so often because I hate to talk about, and hope that this will just leave people believing all is well with me instead. Those who really know me no longer believe this, and know it's part of my "pretend all is well game". Migraines and daily headaches have been with me for 12+ years. I lamented online earlier this week about this, and a super wise friend who has suffered for 13 years pointed out that if it WASN'T for my chronic pain, I would not know the depths that others can suffer themselves. It's opened me up to a level of compassion and empathy for others that can't be faked. I have become SO MUCH more understanding of other's who deal with chronic pain. It's an empathy that really only can come from dealing with that refining fire yourself.

This is NOT something I would have asked for (but, then again, do we ever ASK for things that are hard?) God has been, and continues to be glorified, through this. It's all I can ask from it really. I've asked for healing and somehow a "cure"... and I still sit here, 12+ years later. Nothing has changed other than they have grown more intense (much more even post-stroke), and I've grown weary and tired with trying thing after thing that makes me think that they could really be gone. And yet... they are still here. No cure or miraculous healing yet. Daily headaches and migraines a couple of times a week. Fear with any "abnormal" one's since that is how my stroke presented itself, and I try not to give in to the hysterics that can overwhelm in the moment of "It's going to happen again". I've almost become a paranoid hypochondriac. Some might say for good reason, but others might call me looney. So I stay hidden in my cocoon and avoid talking about my pain or fears, and burrow my head further into despair. I've lost the hope that things might actually get better, and yet, it just makes me yearn for my glorified body. A world with tears, pain, or fears. It is coming. And to that hope I cling.

I've recently become mildly obsessed with a song writer named Jason Gray. He is real, authentic, and expresses what I'm dying to scream through his music. It's somewhat creepy and erie how right on he has been. I have listened to this album on constant repeat in my car, with many of the songs becoming anthems that I sing out to Jesus (it's a good thing I usually drive alone!) Somehow the words seem somewhat more removed since they were 'authored' by someone else, regardless of how they capture my own emotions. There is one song in particular (video and lyrics below) that has just resonated with me lately. It makes me tear up most of the time. Because of it's honesty. I know there will be a day when I'm not stuck in this valley, but for now, these words just come from a deep place of hurt within and have become my prayer back to God. I almost forget days without deep heartache and chronic pain, and of restful sleep and a more fulfilling job. Most of my days now are filled with creatively dreaming about how to make the most of the meagerness I have currently, and longing for a world without my present circumstances.

I told my pastor last week that I'm coming to accept that God has placed me here in Indiana. I've asked for something different- a different location, job, life... and yet, He hasn't opened the avenues to get me anywhere else. So, I'm doing the "Joy Dare" by Ann Voskamp (Her Book: 1000 Gifts; http://www.aholyexperience.com/joy-dares/) to become grateful for the life I have RIGHT NOW. Not my dreams. Not my wants. My right now. It's been GREAT. 3 times a day she asks you to ask the Lord for 3 gifts/insights, and then I journal at night about what I see around me from that. It's been amazing. From the outside, this isn't even the part of the city that I wanted to be in. This is NOT the life I would have chosen or written. At All. And yet, I'm here in my house until the end of July. So, Lord, show me things THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN ME that I can praise you for. Amen.

So the song below is the song "Without Running Away" by Jason Gray. Many days, to be honest, I WANT TO BOLT FROM THIS PLACE. As if all of my problems are because I am residing in Indianapolis. False. This song depicts the internal battle for me well right now. The pain. The anger. The searching for meaning in a world that simply doesn't make a lot of sense to me anymore. Maybe it never has. And that's ok.



I've spent some days looking
For a length of rope
And a place to hang it
From the end of my hope
Where I thought hope had ended
I always find a little bit more

It's not like I'm trying
To be optimistic
If the truth be told
I'd rather dismiss it
Be free of the burden
Of living that hoping requires

To bring my heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away

Jesus is speaking
But it's so hard to hear
When disciples with swords
Are cutting off ears
Broken and bleeding
Waiting for healing to come

But wounded's a part
That I've learn to play well
But the wound may run deeper
Than I know how to tell
Where pain's an addiction
That keeps me buried alive
When it's all that I know
I'm afraid to leave it behind

And bring my heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away

My heart is not lifted up
My eyes are not lifted up
But calm and quiet is my soul
Like a child with it's mother is my soul

After a while in the dark
Your eyes will adjust
And the shadows you'll find
A hand you can trust
The still small voice
That calls like the rising sun

Come, bring your heart
To everyday
And run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away
You must run the risk of fearlessly loving
Without running away

The life I thought I was to have...

So, I just turned 32, pretty uneventfully (thank goodness). Several things have been on my mind from this year's Christmas-Birthday-New Year roller coaster of emotions and reflections that always seem to hit me. I think the biggest thing that I have been mulling over are the live(s) that I thought I was going to lead, and yet, the story that I see unfolding before me that I NEVER could have dreamt up, even in my wildest imaginations. If you had told me even 4 years ago that THIS was going to be my life right now, I would have told you that you were hallucinating.

Varying from a Southern belle married to a youth pastor with a thriving inner-city ministry; to a missionary living overseas to a powerful attorney for the sex-slavery industry; to a Midwest wife trying to balance so many complications... I let all of 'what is not' go. So here I sit, as I write these thoughts today. I am a single woman at 32, and the life of being a wife and a mother to 7 boys has yet to materialize. Just the absurdity of that thought now gives me a headache. I live on the Near East Side of downtown Indianapolis, and with the majority of gray days that this state has, it makes my depression and mental health even more to battle. I so often feel abandoned by God in this humid and flat state [which against the backdrop of the Rockies, often feels like a sick joke]. It is one that I have to force myself to cling to the Hope of the 'Not Yet' in the Promises of God. I still deal with chronic pain in my joints, my head, all over really, and I don't have the finances to go after the journeys toward health that I would like. And yet, I have tried so very many avenues to feel better, including chiropractic, working out strategies, wacky diets, dozens of western medicines, and healing prayers. This is nothing like I had imagined for myself. Still, I await my glorified body. Maybe that is what these aches and pains are meant to remind me of... a life without pain that I have yet to live.

Still, God has been good, and He has given me opportunities to live with families to try to see what my life could be like if those 'dreams' had happened after all. I shudder at the thought of it having actually happened. God truly does know what's best for me... and although I believe He is sovereign enough to make all things work together for good because I would be seeking Him through it... Apparently, this is actually the most Glorified that God can be right now. Apparently, He sees that a woman who's overcome all of the odds thrown at her after a severe stroke and now living with a traumatic brain injury with all of my health complications is the best way to live. This chronic pain, these migraines, this super stretched budget, all of these 'Not Yet's' surrounding me... I would have written it differently though. But He never asked my opinion on that.

But daily, I ask for God to open my eyes to ways that I can be His light. If I was being honest... I don't want this life. I KNOW my life is a miracle, but everything that has come with my life now post-stroke... It's hard to say that I'm grateful for the roller coaster. But I WANT to want it. I'm asking for ways of God showing me that what I have right now IS GOOD, and I wouldn't want what it is that I have thought God has been answering my prayers in the lives of my friends instead. So I'm choosing ways of making things intentional- with my family, my friends, my church, my job, what I spend my money on, etc. I'm seeking counseling and it has been incredible for me. Dawn has been like a prophetess in my life, being able to speak tenderly to me and I can hear the voice of the Lord when we are together. She has quickly earned my trust, and I am excited for what we are going to learn together in the coming weeks. I don't like talking, but with her, because she is so wise to discern and listen- it comes rather easily. She has a rare gift to be present and to truly hear. I've needed that. And I have a few key friends, that are patient with me and can remind me to just have fun and not be so serious all the time. I don't like serious Amy all that much, so it's nice when they encourage 'Silly Amy' to come out and play. I think that's why I like baby-sitting so much- because I get to be reminded of how carefree life can be! So, I joyfully rejoice with my friends who are getting married or having babies, because I can see God's outpouring of blessings in that for them. But I just know that for me, it is a 'Not Yet' answer. Not a No, but a 'Not Yet', for there are still things that I need to learn to appreciate about myself for any of that to happen for me yet. So for now, I am being intentional and trying to remain open for what God may be up to, even if I don't understand it all yet. And that is okay.
Love,
Amy Christine