Beginning to love and cherish ME

I turn 32 at the end of the month. This last week of December has always been something I've dreaded (and would rather just wake up after Christmas a year older and in a New Year) just because there is SO MUCH anticipation & hype from Hollywood about what those days are "to mean", and they never are, and I'm let down again, so I've stopped hoping for more. After 31 years, I'm stopping the cycle of secretly wishing for more, and being let down, yet again.

I've started to see a new counselor, Dawn. She's amazing. Today she had me in tears within 10 minutes. Crying is not the sign of a great counselor, but she has an almost prophetic gift. She has earned my trust, and I'm not afraid to open up to her, like I am most of the outside world. So today we discussed what has now become a personal challenge that I'm not going to back down from. (I've said it on here- so you get to hold me to it too!)

I've learned after trauma and trauma just to dig a hole deep and turn away from anything that might possibly be an outside resource to help me get out of what I'm currently in, which only in turn only feeds my depression. It's a MADDENING CYCLE, and I realize, it doesn't probably make any sense. I would strongly rebuke anyone for the self-talk I have with myself... but somehow think that I'm the exception, and it's somehow ok. It's not. I've put everyone else's needs far above my own for far too long now. It's exhausting to internalize my own projections of what others may think of me and have that fight internally in myself of "you're not doing it right" or "they are all confirming what they already think about you". I know those are lies. I try to rebuke them in Jesus name, and still, I'm tormented with that self-talk that kicks me while I'm down. I am my own worst enemy. I am not nice to myself, and wonder why anyone could ever be nice to me in return, ever.

I see myself only through the trauma's that have happened to me and the negative things around me, and have become a pessimist because I cannot imagine a life without the circumstances I am currently in. For WEEKS I have been angry and perplexed at God- "why didn't you hear my cries over the past 19+ months and give me a job where I could really give to others and not have to be so needy?" And now I see... this time is a gift. My needs, although tight, are provided for each day. Even with the CRAZY elimination diet's that my Russian doctor has me do (organic & practically Vegan and Gluten-Free and low sugar... yes, through the Holidays...) God has not abandoned me. He has given me the flexibility of a retail job to 1)provide for my daily needs and 2) still connect with some awesome people at my job, BUT 3) STILL very much need Him to intervene DAILY. I need Him to show me that actually, He is in charge and not a vending machine, where if I am "good enough" and "play by the rules" then He will give me what I have asked for. Who would have thought that my prayers would be answered by "not yet my Child". I've had some WACKED OUT MISPERCEPTIONS of who God is over the past 17+ years, and on the other side I always say to myself- "Really? You held that truth for how long? How was that serving anyone?" I have two Bible degree's but I'm so special still in how I sometimes view God. At the end of the day, He loves me just because He loves me. I don't have to earn it or deserve it. I love that I can keep coming back to that truth.

I read through the entire Bible a few weeks ago (well, the Jesus Storybook Bible for Kids) and I LOVE that they put God's love for us this way: "GOD LOVES US WITH A NEVER STOPPING, NEVER GIVING UP, UNBREAKING, ALWAYS". Even with two advanced degrees, I learned more about God in that book than I ever did in my classrooms. Because it was real truth that is meeting a raw heart ready to receive it finally. To change me. It's no longer about getting a degree or earning anything. So I'm not "starting over", but I'm giving myself permission to love me first. What I've been doing isn't changing anything, and I need to be whole before I can ever even entertain the idea of being in a relationship or really loving others well. I know that I need to learn how to love ME before I could ever really give anything away that’s genuine. So I'm calming myself down as everyone amps up around me for Christmas, and trying to remind them of the real reason for this season that we gather and celebrate. I am joyous this Christmas that HOPE was birthed. He has come. The one that never TIRES of my incessant whining delights in me. As is. And I am excited to throw off the conventions of the things around me that tell me I have to be or act --- way... Nope. So several of the things I thought I had already learned are coming back around. Self-care. Learning to listen to MY NEEDS (beyond just what I listen to for a headache). Saying that I AM worth it, from the food that I buy to how I take care of things that I own, etc. So this blog is morphing more into those insights. Of what I'm learning as I go.

Oh, and today's lesson at Zumba- I have the sculpted shoulders that could compete with a line-backer (they really are spectacular and I've done nothing). However, I also have the grace of a wild Rhino in a china shop. Always known this, but it was painfully clear tonight. So, I need to get out of my comfort zone and try new things... but with the grace of loved ones who will still love me even with that image.

This was another extremely long post (I'll try to post more often so they are not as lengthy in the future!) but here's to 2013 and my 32 years-- of learning to love and appreciate ME. Take care of me, and put my needs out there to be heard. To know that I am worth it. To learn to carry myself that way. And here is A SMALL BUT SO WORTHY SHOUT-OUT to my friends, family, and those around me that have already challenged me with these insightful thoughts and will continue to do so over the coming weeks. You don't know how MUCH that means to a weary soul like mine. Thank you for continuing to show me the love of Jesus in all that you do- with me, for me, and even in spite of me- know that it's appreciated. That is the hands and feet of Jesus in action. I learn from you all daily. Thank you! And with those lessons fresh on my heart, I am going to bed- for a day of beginning to settle into these new realities :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Grieving & Accepting

It's been over 19 months of searching for, applying, interviewing, and following up for jobs. I've applied to several jobs that even in the descriptions for them, I could see myself being very good at them. However, none of them have panned out. At all. I want to be an advocate for others. I went through a medically traumatic event, and was told that I might not live, then it was doubts if I would walk again, let alone do several of the things that I have surpassed and accomplished. Going back to school and getting my master's degree was 'out of the question' for the medical professionals I saw at the time of my stroke. Being able to go back, re-learn how to learn, and graduate- that was really difficult, but I finished. I am proud of the things that I have overcome and surpassed the 'knowledge' of those who thought they knew my future :)

I believed God wanted to use my story and my degree to give others hope that they too could accomplish things that the medical community was telling them they could not now do. On the outside looking in, this seems bizarre as a calling, but it get's me fired up and wanting to work on behalf of others. However, after over 19 months of the process and seeming to go anywhere but forward, I have not lost hope, but I'm giving up the process of searching for a while. It's exhausting. My body cannot take it anymore. Maybe I'm just in the 'not yet' stage apparently.

One friend put it as it's almost 're-traumatizing' to stay in the process and never hear back. So I'm putting 'my search' on hold. Maybe I should have a long time ago. Other friends have pointed out that because this fall has been so hard on me physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and adjusting to learning this new diet, that 1) I probably wouldn't still have a job because no one would want to employ someone who's in bed 2-3 days a week with a migraine; 2)I've needed something 'lower stress' to adjust to this new lifestyle; and 3) having something as flexible as Starbucks, where I can ask a co-worker to cover and work later for them has been the perfect solution for these up and down days. So I'm grieving the loss of all the ideas of what I thought I knew about myself and God, and accepting that this is where I am. He has chosen to not heal me yet, and to not remove me from this place. Accepting that this very place is where God is most glorified, in my struggles and even in spite of them.

The sermon this last week at church was precisely about that topic, about how God spoke to the people of Israel in captivity to accept to this place of exile that they found themselves in during 587bc (Jeremiah 33). Jim called it the 587 moment. Through the combination of many friends advice and my own prayers, I'm holding off on searching for another job for awhile, and learning to let go of my anger at God for allowing different things in my life. I can't receive from Him if I'm really angry at him instead. I hate to even admit that, but it's the truth.

I talked with a good friend last evening some about this, and he pointed out Romans 9:20 (it was a divine conversation)"But who are you, a human being, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to the one who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’” I've had so many of those moments, about so many things. 'Why migraines and headaches? Why food allergies? Why the stroke and a TBI to now deal with? Why the sexual assault? Why several broken hearts and now living in the Midwest again? Why here? Why now?' I know I must sound like a whiney child, and grateful that he hasn't grown tired of my coming to him with these questions yet, but this verse served as a great reminder of my rightful position. I am not God. I do not understand His will. He has not forgotten me or made any mistakes. He will redeem all of this and even use it for His own glory. My counselor and I were talking yesterday about hating the winter, and she pointed out that even when it looks like nothing is going on, during the winter it is when the roots of the trees grow deeper, so it can withstand the wind and rains that come. So I am being obedient to the limited understanding I have of Him, and trying to remain open to where He might use me. All I know if for now, I surrender and I'm trying to remain moveable if He chooses to utilize me in that way. To all of that, I say Amen, and let it be. I'll try to be obedient.
Love,
Amy Christine

Allergies

A week and a half ago I had some intense blood panel work done to see what I might be allergic to. I know I probably won't entirely get rid of my headaches, but if I could solve some of them with what I'm eating, then I wanted to at least try. If in a few months, I wasn't feeling any better, then we could try something else. I wasn't prepared for my answers today though. If it was a tumor- I could have dealt with that. This... the jury is still out. TBD. Up until an hour ago, I thought it was much worse than it actually was until my beautiful roommate (quite possibly the smartest woman I know) was able to explain the results to me. Brittany, you are amazing. FYI. In case you weren't already aware. If you need reminding ever, just knock on my door =)

Turns out that I'm allergic to Gluten (which I went Gluten-Free about 3 weeks ago), wheat (seems to go hand-in-hand with the Gluten), eggs, corn, and cow's milk. My mind immediately jumped to all of the things I cannot have any longer, and mourned for the holiday season and all of the things I would have to give up. Today hasn't been a good day, mentally or emotionally, for those aspects, because I've been in "the end-zone" of the 'I'm never again going to be able to____" or "I can't afford this, by any means" There has been a lot of grief. A lot of "are you kidding me right now?" and asking "So, now what?"

I'm getting a lot better at asking God that last one. There has been a lot of crap that has been thrown my way in recent years. It feels like a really rotten deal when I look at it objectively, or through the world's eyes. One more thing to deal with and manage. I know life happens to all of us and I'm not alone in that, but with the depression; headaches; PTSD; living again in the tundra that is the Mid-west and it's gray skies, bugs, humidity; trying to find a more manageable occupation... today just felt like a low-blow to add on to what I'm already trying to manage on an extremely small budget by American standards. And as some very wise people have told me "No, it's not fair. But God must have some really amazing things that He's preparing for you in spite of these circumstances" So that's my prayer each day. God, open my eyes. Help me be thankful that I could have the blood panels done and know some of the reasons that I feel the way I do, and meet the needs I have, financially and will-power mainly, to make this work. He knows I'm very weak in both areas and I can't do this without Him.

Maybe that's another reason why He has enlightened me to my allergies to these things. I'm scared. Because it's going to mean a radical shift in the way that I've done things. I guess that's a good thing- to be rid of what's toxic inside of you and replace it with things that are beneficial. I'm just OVER being a guinea pig. I have to do part of the cleanse while fighting a yeast infection I have all over my body with homeopathic dropper medication that I have to buy online. My body is too sensitive to typical "Western" medications... I love my doctor, but some of the random things she has me do just make me want to scream. So starting Monday, my beautiful friend Amanda is going to start this cleanse and elimination diet with me. The love she declared by saying she would do it with me speaks volumes. So Sunday will be our day to shop together (and I'll probably cry of frustration in the grocery store, I'll try to remember to bring my xanax in case)... But I will do this because I want to feel better. Because this isn't abundant life, and I know it's out there. I'll keep striving to eliminate a few of these things if it means I can live with less pain, because I've realized there will probably always be some to manage. And that's ok. I just need to find my own go-to: something I can still have AND want that is on the approved list. And any receipes, websites, or tips are appreciated in this time too :) I need them!! Thank you all for still reading along, with my valleys and mountain tops =) I know I write mostly about the valley's lately, but they ARE blessings intermixed, and I will keep that praise coming too!

Love,
Amy Christine

If you're curious, this is the diet we are about to do:
http://www.functionalmedicine.org/content_management/files/ifm_Comp_Elim_Diet_091503.pdf

Beginning to be good to myself

I've ALWAYS tried to look for ways to bless other people. For almost 32 years, that's been what I've tried to be about. But when that is turned on me and putting my needs first, I stammer, I clam up, I feel awkward, I make excuses that I can't afford it, whatever. One of the very best things I learned at Seminary while getting my Master's degree in Counseling was that if I'm not in a healthy place, then I may not be "helping" anyway. Today has been ALL ABOUT self-care. I went shopping with my dear friend Sarah to use some of my gift-cards at the Outlet malls, and let myself buy cute clothes. I haven't bought clothes in YEARS unless they were at a thrift store. We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant, and I didn't think the entire time about my lack of funds. I went and had a massage (granted, yes, had a coupon). I went to a comedy show tonight with some friends from my house church. These are all great strides and diversions in forgetting my job-search or my doctors appointment this week to find out some test results (side note- don't appreciate VM's saying your doctor wants to see you about your results instead of just leaving them on your VM while at work on Friday evening. Awesome. Stew on that for the weekend).

I usually have no qualms about paying money for other people {within reason of course}. When it comes to my own health, I've paid my fair penny's in the last few years. However, to actually think of myself, my needs, what I want to do or would enjoy.... that is never on the agenda. Or budget. Today was a beginning of trying to reclaim a small segment of that for myself. Moving to downtown Indianapolis and basically starting over here in downtown Indy has been difficult. I make no claims to say it has been anything other than that. However, I'm learning some cheaper alternatives to begin to put myself first as I live here. To begin to turn that around. To start thinking of me included in the plan as an active voice and participant. It's sad that it's taken almost 32 years and a few close calls with death itself to start actually listening to my own voice. But I've begun to enjoy the time I spend with myself and discovering what I do have to bring to the table. I may have gone about it all in some atypical manners, but I don't really have any regrets about who I am today. I may have things that I would do over again or in another way, but I have a unique perspective to bring to the world, and I'm starting to catch a glimpse of just how God might want to use my voice and this/His story in light of His grand scheme here in Indianapolis. That gets me hyper with anticipation. But it starts with learning how to take care of me in the process. Tonight, I'm thankful for the gift of beginning to appreciate me. And with those thoughts, I am off to enjoy another beautiful hour of sleep tonight! Thank you for that present Sweet Baby Jesus =)
Love,
Amy Christine

"Permission"

Ever since my stroke, I have acted like I didn't want it to happen to me, change my world, or what happen(s) to me. Partly because I don't really have any "outward" differences now, the people around me (and even myself) truth be told, "forget" that I'm different now. EVERYTHING takes energy from me. My counselor back in Colorado described it as I now have a checking account. Every day tasks, like showering, going to the grocery store, talking on the phone, etc- all "cost" something. But sleep "refuels" most people. That's not the case for me anymore. So, what might be considered debits of every day stuff for most people and they get to refuel each night with restful sleep, I no longer get that luxury.

I was reminded of this painful metaphor to explain the why's behind why I am so tired day after day, and without at least 8 hours of sleep a night, I can barely function. I met Heather for lunch the other day. Heather was in the hospital for a rare fungal infection last year about this time for 2 1/2 months. She too, almost died. I KNOW God has something incredible for her as well. We worked at Spring Hill camps in Michigan together several years ago, but now she lives in Carmel, IN. Looking at Heather, you would never know anything had happened. Praise God.

However, listening to her story, I was painfully remind of my own journey of recovery. What I often dismiss to "get on with life now". How I'm forever "different" now. I think because I've "healed" enough on the outside, it's often a forgotten idea. Not that I WANT sympathy or an excuse, but just an understanding that, when I get a migraine and I'm stuck in bed (which, I seem to be here like 2-3 times a week these days), that it's understood that I'm here because my brain can't handle all of the input of the world around me. Maybe all of the frequent migraines are my brains' response to all of the input. I HATE admitting that there are things I can't do. Especially for something I HAD NO CONTROL OVER. Something that other people can do. Seemingly effortlessly. I just CAN'T anymore. It takes SO MUCH effort just to do "the basics" of the day. Add in trying to find a more meaningful job, juggling doctors appointments and my health, dealing with all of the things that are basically keeping me afloat right now (like SSDI and Medicare), working out to take care of my physical body, going to the chiropractor, trying to plug in with my church (I'm doing the welcoming team and serving in the nursery), and sorting through new diets (right now I've gone gluten-free to see if that's the part of the reason for my migraines, at least something I can control)...

Much of my life right now seems misunderstood, and I'm tired of being looked at as though I could do more. Having a part-time job and keeping these balls organized and in the air is well, about all that I can handle. Although I desperately want a more fulfilling job that actually uses my master's degree in counseling, I'm afraid that if I actually had a less flexible job right now, I won't be able to handle days like today, when I'm stuck in my bed, yet again. Maybe these days in bed are partially a reminder that I don't have it all together yet. I probably never will. That I still have healing going on. That I still need to ask others to help me with the daily tasks of life. Trouble is, I'm REALLY independent, so I won't ask. Which makes it all the more hard. But I know that I need help with things since I'm barely making it right now. So if you're good at an area that you see me struggling in, ask if you could do it for me or with me. I won't ask probably, but I'll try to be gracious in letting you offer to help me with it.

I'm thankful that Heather voiced that the common things that others take for granted are things that put her down for a few days. I've wanted to pretend that I'm more healed than that, and yet, it's the best explanation to what's going on with me right now. So that conversation acted like much more of a catalyst and "permission" of sorts to explain the why's behind why I'm tired so often. Thank you Heather for giving me words to explain it all. You are a God-send in my life!
Love,
Amy Christine

I'm getting things back!

{cue music for sappy Celene Dion 'All coming back to me'} The last few weeks something WONDERFUL has been happening, in my memory specifically. So, for the last three and a half years, I haven't been able to remember a lot. Explaining that issue to someone who has a normal functioning brain, is, well, odd, and I sound even crazier than I must normally sound. At least I am aware that it might sound far-fetched/convenient when I "forget" something. 'No, really, it fell in that Swiss Cheese hole and the Invisible Duct Tape that tries to hold this re-wired brain together...' There are memories that are in my long-term that just aren't there anymore, and other's that are crystal clear. For the longest time, I couldn't even remember what I had had for breakfast... let alone what I had done earlier in the week. That's enough anxiety to make anyone go crazy!

HOWEVER, [and this is where I become like a giddy 4 year old on Christmas Morning] lately, things have been coming back to me!? I can REMEMBER people's name's and drinks at Starbucks. Yes, I may only be slinging coffee right now, but for 2 minutes in someone's day, I CAN REMEMBER THEIR NAMES AND DRINK AND HAVE IT STARTED WHEN THEY COME IN! If nothing else, maybe this job has been something of a treat from God to say " You can do this. I'm giving you pieces of redemption in being able to work with others, even with the frustrations that come with it, and you will see me at work here" I well up with tears to think what used to be missing is now coming back. That's beyond huge. So it might just "look" like I'm able to remember a Decaf Venti 4 pump Mocha for Brian... but it is so much more. It's pieces of what I once had, and then didn't, but now are returning. He is good. I may not have chosen this road, but He has lined it with treasures along the way with blessings that I could never have imagined or dreamed. No one else may understand that who hasn't had to live with a traumatic brain injury daily... but this is a big thing for someone who has to navigate the daily up's and down's of life with those deficits as well. But praise to the One who can do something about it all! THANK YOU FOR REDEEMING MY MIND AND GIVING ME BACK THE ABILITY TO REMEMBER SOME THINGS LORD!
Love,
Amy Christine

The ability to dream again...

I am so on a high right now. I was pretty sure that I felt like God had said to me, once I returned to school, that He would still use the degree in Counseling and my stroke to talk with others who have been affected by a medical event that TOTALLY changes the trajectory of where they thought their lives were headed. You've all heard me RANT about 'and I've had to deal with ___ too' (which, I'm sure, is riveting reading on my blog!) Lately, I've had a LOT of depressing and sad news, which partly comes with my seasonal depression, constant pains, PTSD symptoms that flare with no warning, and living with a TBI. I know most people can't relate to one of those events, and I've just accepted that. Dealing with all of them... yeah, it's unique, and I get that. One of my Shifts at work (who's also a pastor) made a comment the other night that was so poignant 'There must be something that really threatens Satan about you to attack you this hard' I'm still not sure what that is... but I REFUSE to let Satan win any more of my story. It will be used for God's glory. It's all His doing anyway.

However, I've had several interesting job leads lately, and I had 2 today and 1 again tomorrow. They couldn't be for more different jobs- a local missions organization, an organization that work with the disabled, and a financial planning firm as a recruiter. I totally could see myself continuing to do "traditional" ministry with the missions organization, and tomorrow I interview with a financial firm to become a recruiter (a left field opportunity that I NEVER considered for myself!?). Today however, it seemed as though the very things that I have become passionate about and want to combine about who I am now, my degree, and wanting to be an advocate on behalf of others... I wanted to cry after the interview in joy. Could this really be why I moved to Indianapolis? Why the stroke was allowed in my life? Why I've been a complete medical anomaly to anyone in the medical community who looks at my history? I know no matter where I work I can be used, and God will continue to provide for me (He's been so good and faithful to me and I feel like I have so little to give!) But right now, I'm just pumped with dreaming about the future. Sometimes all we need is inspiration to dream about a life not at all like the one we are currently living.

Yes, I know working with others with disabilities will bring up my own recovery steps, but hopefully I can be a sounding board for their struggles and find them something meaningful to apply themselves to. I've been working out again and diving into the Word... and it's amazing the clarity that comes with learning to take care of yourself. I can love others better when I'm not focused on me, my own personal set-backs, how I would like things to be different, etc. The ability to dream again. I'm in love with the anticipation and hope that comes on the cliff of expectation of something new.

Love,
Amy Christine

The view from my bed

I write this post from my bed. Again. I feel like I'm here more than most anywhere. This time it's because I'm sick and it's come with intense fatigue, and it takes even energy to get up out of my lofted bed and go to the bathroom. This is despair. I'm trying to do daily life with the constant pain of a headache, depression, a traumatic-brain injury and PTSD, and right now a broken heart and terrible pains & pressure in my chest. My "to-do" list is long, but I don't even have the energy to attempt any of them. I know this is a momentary set-back, but it feels like an eternity.

What feels almost immobilizing to me is that my body has become a personal battle-ground for Satan and God to duke it out, and that for some reason, Satan finds me a threat to the kingdom. I wish I could see the other side and know WHY. So I lay here in pain and pray for those around me to try and keep my mind off of myself. This is not who I want to be. I'm still fighting (when I have the energy) to become the person I do want to become. I want to be a person so wise in the Word and physically fit. I feel ineffective for the kingdom in my bed, so I pray for those who are out there getting to do the work in some way to join forces. But I want to be doing more. I know all the verses about letting myself get to this point, and know that only Jesus can pull me out of this and that there is nothing I can do on my own to change it right now, but I'm still saddened. My heart aches. For so many reasons.

This is not a pity party post, nor do I want your sympathy. Just pray that the season of loneliness is quick, and that some of the doors in the distance begin to open. I can see them, and it hurts that I don't see them opening yet. So I wait. And I pray. I try to be effective "out there" when I do have the energy- which seems to be seldom these days, but I refuse to push off until tomorrow when I can do today. Or use my commute to work or any other "excuse" from getting me to where I want to go. Yes, I have been dealt some slight cards. But I want to make the most of them and push into the pain to learn what I'm supposed to from this time. My circumstances do not change who God is, his goodness, his Holiness, his provision for me, even when I have so little to give back. I just need to remember all that as I lay in bed in pain. And that is my view from my bed today.
Love,
Amy Christine

Life at the end of September 2012

It's been a rough few weeks in the world of Amy. I say that only because there seem to be few silver linings these days, and I often feel alone in it all. That's not a pity party, but just the way things feel. After ending things with my best friend a month ago, I feel like things have also gone away with that stability. I'm going hard after my dreams and what I want these days, but can't help feeling for every step that I try to take forward, I end up taking a few behind me instead.

I had a dream interview for a place I've been looking at for 1.5 years on Monday, but felt like I botched it in many aspects, which was really discouraging after all that I prepared for it. I went afterwards to run off my frustrations and clear my head. I've been experiencing random numbness and tingling, usually on the left side of my body. About 15 minutes into my run, my right leg went numb. When 3 years ago you had a dissection that you could have died from that presented as a migraine headache... it's hard to not become scared when "bizarre" things happen, that the medical community just calls "a complicated migraine" (as if my everyday migraines aren't...) I felt in that moment that I didn't even have running any longer. I'm TRYING to move forward with what I WANT my life to be about... and trying to find the motivation to workout and then even that taken away... well, discouraging isn't quite the word but it's close.

I know my friends here are frustrated and "just want me to get on with life already" (um, just to be clear, I would like that too)... but it's hard when the hits feel like they keep coming. Hard. I'm living on a 1/3 of the poverty rate, BUT every month, my bills get paid, I have food in my stomach, and I get new women to pour into, and a new life around me to discover and find out what I AM about, with no one else to immediately attend to. For the first time in a long time, it's me calling the shots. That's terrifying and yet freeing at the same time. God, where do you want me? What do you want me to be about? I'm NOT leaving this state just because things here are hard and I miss Colorado so much. I'm pressing into this loneliness because I know it will lead to fruit and that you are with me, in, through, and in spite of what I perceive as pain. You have led me to this place, and thank GOD for the faithful friends around me that aren't scared off by the things that continue to happen to me. I know it must be tough to continue to walk with me through more, but it truly means a lot right now. I love each of you for your steadfastness in this all. And Lord willing- I will learn more about me in it all and will look back fondly of these few months, knowing that I met God here, my R-rated prayers, endless tears and frank talks with God, knowing that He met me here, as He always does. I just want these lessons to go quickly so that I can move forward and feel something other than grief. Those emotions do exist, it's just been quite awhile since I've had the chance to feel them. And I will again. In that I have faith. It's just learning to be present that I'm not very good at, and maybe that's why it keeps coming up. So I'm learning to blossom where I'm planted (right now, that's Indianapolis), and make my life what I want it to be 5 years from now by laying the foundations for it and beginning the hard work of going after those things for myself and the life that I want and I believe that God has called me to here.

Carpe Diem

So I write this from my new porch swing, on a very a-typical gorgeous Indiana fall afternoon. I know I've been absent from the blog world for several months, and a LOT has happened since. I fell in love with an awesome man, Tony, but we broke up at the end of last month. I'm heartbroken, but we both know that its for the best. Again, I'm going to keep that all off of here for our privacy.

Our deciding to end things has made me face some of my issues head on that have been bubbling for sometime, only now being alone is giving me time to actually DO something about them. Tony was the FIRST person who knew about the events of my past, but didn't see me as them-my trauma's. Cognitively, I KNOW those things aren't true about who I AM, but believing in that reality... well... not yet. That's what this season is about becoming confident in. Who I REALLY am. Believing that I have worth, outside of what has happened to be or what I do. Between the trauma's that have happened TO ME that I had nothing to do with, namely, the stroke and assault last December. I became preoccupied with viewing myself as a stroke survivor or an assault survivor. Those those are things that happened TO ME, but not who I AM. I can't change what has happened to me, but I am taking this time to be alone and find out WHO I AM.

Again, like most trials, I wouldn't have chosen this, and easily could have taken a different road, said that it wasn't worth it, and just gotten a Mrs. label or ran some other way. Not that everyone who is married doesn't already know or want to know themselves as an individual... but I'm not just going to put off this off for a time that was "more convenient" (which, I don't really know when that would be...) I've seen far too many people around them distract themselves with their work, family, commutes, drugs, whatever- and I haven't wanted any of those things to be true about me.

I know that the true Amy Christine is in there, and I've seen glimpses of her at times or in situations, and she makes me happy. This season feels like an Ear of Corn being shucked. There is a lot of striping of things that were comfortable. I feel like God is removing the things around me that have been weighing me down or distracting me from discovering things to love about myself. I have a part time job and I'm still on SSDI. I'm at like a 1/3 of the poverty rate, and yet, each month, I'm surprisingly making it by. He is faithful indeed and beyond good to me. I have TIME right now to address these issues in my life and learn to become comfortable in my own skin. So I have a mentor and a counselor who are asking me some hard, reflective questions; I'm doing intentional Bible study and I'm starting to work out again. For months, I've made excuses about why I can't afford it, don't have time, whatever. I don't know if I had the true desire to do this hard work. Because it's NOT easy, and that's probably WHY so many people avoid it!? I don't want to be alone, but I know this is for a season, and I have to learn who I really am with nothing else buffering me from seeing those things within me. So if it's worth it, and I believe that it is, then I'm doing the work.

I'm living with some great new girls and I'm plugging in deeper with my church, and I'm finding who in my life I can trust to walk with me. That's again another place that I would run to, because I often found more security in God's people than even with Him... but I'm taking it upon myself not to RUN (figuratively) right now. If the issue is within ME, it's still going to be there, even if I'm in Guam. Honestly, I'd love to go back to Colorado- it was probably where I was happiest, but God has me here right now. With new fun roommates. In a fun part of town. So yes, maybe a lot of unhappy things have happened to me since being here for almost 11 months, but I'm deciding to see what GOD wants to teach me in and through these "trials". He has me here, so I want to find out why, and I'm deciding to apply myself for what I really want from life. I applied to my dream job and have an interview on Monday, and applied to another that is similar today. I'm working out, I'm diving into the Word (For I know that only HE CAN TELL ME WHO I AM). I'm working out because it improves how I feel about myself and helps my seasonal depression. I love to serve, so I'm serving at my church on the Welcoming team and in the nursery still. I love to bake, so I'm baking for my house-church every now and again. I'm investing in the relationships around me that are important and do add value to who I am- today and as I grow. I'm not going to run from the things that happen to me, but meet those events with a knowledge that God can use even pain to sculpt beautiful things... and I'm starting to see how He has used painful things of the past for my GOOD even if the events themselves were icky.

I think I operated under the belief that if God called me here, He was just going to drop the perfect job, and XYZ that I wanted here as well. Certainly not PTSD & an assault, 10 months of endless job searches to find meaning, two failed relationships and a broken heart, and continuing to have medical dramas to deal with. Life has not been "easy" here, but I'm choosing that tomorrow is worth it, and this hard work within me will be met with the answers that I seek. I have a reason for being here. Even though Indiana has not yet been all that I thought it might entail, He has been here, even in spite of the trials that have accompanied my new start. So this is a year I'm choosing each day to praise God for the good around me, and to live each day to its potential, offering myself to Him to use me as He sees fit. That's hard, but I know that it's worth it. I always said that I wanted to have a life story with meaning, but I didn't know it was going to require me to go through that pain if I was going to speak with any authority. So after a very much over due entry and update, I am going inside my house to cook dinner with my new fun roommate, Brittany. Continue to look for blessings around you each day- I am. There is a purpose for you being where you're at.

Love/Hate relationship with pills

I'm so very frustrated. It's been a very low few couple of weeks honestly, and I hate admitting it. After taking the 4th, YES, THE 4th anti-depressant that has made me suicidal in the last year. At first I was ashamed to even speak of it. But why are we so afraid to talk about mental health and suicide? They've become this taboo topic in our society because we're afraid of the ramifications. Would this be the same issue if I said I was diabetic but thought I could just do it without drugs... anywhoo. I disgress.

I know I don't play by the rules. Usual medication side effects don't really apply to me, and the things that might typically happen to someone have never worked for me. Muscle Relaxers made me have insomnia when they usually make anyone else super drowsy. I have been on SO MUCH medication in the last few years. I'm just SO TIRED of feeling like I've frustrated the medical community so they just throw more pills at me. I feel like replying back "You think I CHOSE THIS? DO YOU THINK LIVING IN CHRONIC PAIN IS FUN? I'm sorry to be a medical anomaly, but try taking more than 2 minutes in your visit with me, since I AM PAYING FOR IT, and get out of your Medical School thinking and listen to what is going on with me please!" I'm not just making this stuff up for fun. I promise that I always have pain of some sorts. I usually don't let it show because I hate talking about it. It's not something I enjoy talking about- i hate to talk about me regardless. I just don't want "to be that girl". I think being on allllll of this medication is what is keeping my pain as bad as it is. I'm just too compliant to actually object to someone in a lab coat and I take their pills because I I still have hope that the pills might DO SOMETHING for me after all. I can't go back to the original prescribing doctors, as they are back in Colorado. So I need a doctor in Indiana who IS CONFIDENT to slowly start taking me off one medication and see what happens. Not all at once. I'm tired of being an anomaly. One of the greatest things that I have heard in the last 3 years was when Dr. Fox said to me "You're not a medical anomaly. You're just a puzzle." Thank you. It was as if she gave me a new identity in all of this, because there is no user manual of "now here's how to live with a TBI" (which I may attempt someday at writing someday).Sweet freedom. I've certainly done most everything else that I was told couldn't be done after a stroke. Most people who find out that it's part of my past now are now very surprised, to which I am very grateful, and honestly never imagined would happen because I never thought that day would come WHERE YOU COULDN'T see the effects of the stroke in me. I've said that I don't want to be defined by the stroke, but I also have very select memories (without reason) from before the stroke as well,so even describing pre-stroke Amy is difficult on most days unfortunately. I'm a mixed bag and I'm becoming not afraid to admit it.

So there is this guilt of knowing that I am a miracle and but also living in chronic pain and wanting to end my life, and feeling guilty because I don't want my life to end that way either. It's a maddening cycle really. And there's not a "magic pill" to fix it and make it all better, and God hasn't healed me yet and made the pain stop, so right now, I live in tension of the life "not yet glorified". I want my glorified body SO BADLY I can taste it. A life without pain seems almost impossible to possibly imagine. So for right now, I know that as much as I hate them, I need them. I've attempted to ween off some of them, and in that process, some of my doctors have actually tried to add more pills to my routine. No, I don't need any more than what I already have. Please no. My mental health and pocket book are way too important to me to sacrifice right now. Having a voice is not something I have ever excelled in having, so when I actually use it Mr. doctor, please listen to it, and don't add medications as that just increases my frustrations with you and your vocation. ANd those are my frustrated and random thoughts for the day.
Love,
Amy Christine

Hard day. Again.

Life continues to be hard in Indianapolis. And I continue to be misunderstood here too for a variety of reasons. I think it's one of the reasons that I just want to pack up in the night and return back to Colorado, without even saying goodbye. No, things weren't "easy" there either, but at least I knew the trials that could maybe come. I hated being known by my stroke, having that be my legacy or how I was known, but the resources were more accessible. Now that I had a job (well, I stepped down as a therapist this morning without a back-up plan yet and moving forward is still TBD) freaks me out. I hate this place of "unknown" again. I don't sit well. Living with a TBI is SO HARD. And to find someone else with a TBI that's higher functioning and young... yeah, doesn't happen often. It's not like something you can explain to people, but because I do "look normal" now on the outside, I have to remind the people that are closest to me that... sorry, my brain doesn't play by your rules. I know you find that frustrating, but trust me, it's about 20x more frustrating to know that there used to be stuff I could easily do and now it's simply not there. That still brings me to tears.

I met with a new friend the other night with a TBI that I had met after church when my video had played at church, and as we both cried together, we both admitted that even though our brains sometimes malfunction with a headache, we still have brains and are still here by God's grace. That's a sobering thought. PRAISE GOD for even sending her my way though!? I did have a stress-induced migraine on Friday, and many people can't understand why I would walk away from the only door that God seemed to open after 4 long months. When they can't understand what it is to live with chronic pain, on social security disability, riddled with anxiety, a thorn to the medical system, and over half of what you made last year going to medical expenses of your way below poverty... well, yes, it's a hard thing to explain to others why I would walk away. My brain just can't learn the way that they were trying to train me (with videos). I still want to work with people with disabilities somehow, and loved BACA for giving me the grace and opportunity to try. They even told me that they didn't see anything within me that was anything that wouldn't be true of any new therapist (which was SO AFFIRMING). I found I have a lot more in common with those autistic kids. We both need structure. We both crave people to see us for our abilities and what we can do and not at all for our disability. Our disabilities were not our fault, and we should never be treated any different for them. Although they needed some help with life and social skills, I realized that we are a lot more alike. That's stuff I had to relearn after my stroke too. It didn't just naturally come back. Thanks to my gracious friends and family for helping me with my blunders along the way, and helping me with my little hiccups, and sorry to anyone that I offended and never got the chance to apologize to. My filter was off for a long time, and many days still it is barely hanging on.

These were also kids that the school systems couldn't work with. I was also told I wouldn't return to school. Within 6 months, I was back pursuing my master's degree. When I realize it's been 3 years since my Stroke, that's a long time, and in many other ways, it seems like yesterday. There is a lot more that my new friend is aware of that I'm not yet- of knowing that she can't face the window because the constant people passing is too distracting for her, and she wore little earplugs that I didn't notice were even in. I need to find these little tricks for myself yet. And I need the grace of the people that are around me to allow me to do those things, even when it might seem weird when I request the seat facing away from the window. I think that's the biggest thing I need here in Indiana to make me feel understood in all this as I search for a job again, just for the grace to just be. Not to be enabled, or a hand-out, but just the grace TO BE moving forward. I think that's what I'm longing for and feel like I don't have right now somehow. Life, to even get out of bed and pretend that all is OK just takes so much energy, and I just need the space & grace to not pretend for awhile if that makes any sense. So those are my thoughts today, through the tears and not really knowing what's next. I think God likes me all vulnerable like this, even though I find it crazy and asinine.
Love,
Amy Christine

Reclaiming hope

Within 24 hours this last week, I went to 2 different doctors that I had been looking forward to seeing for months, a general practioner that came recommended to me a few months ago during my EEG, and a neuro-psychologist to talk about my stroke with. Both left me in tears, and were fantastic. For over three years, I've lived with WAY MORE questions than answers, and gotten used to doctors just throwing pills at me because they don't know what else to do with me since my body won't play by the rules they were taught in school...

So Monday I met with Dr. Fox. Loved her. I had already sort of established myself with a doctor in Carmel, but something still told me to go get a second opinion on everything yet. I think when I had lived in Indianapolis in 2003-2005 I had seen someone in the 'Community' network, so she was able to she my prior notes from then as well, including my immunization records from when I went to Africa in 2005. When I had the stroke in 2009, I was on birth control, but can't even remember the name of it now, and it was only to help with the cramps I had every month. They never put me back on anything, and when I have to return to something someday when I'm married, they'll put me on an hormone-free IUD. I guess there are risks associated with them. Again, I should have gone to medical school for all that I've had to pro-actively learn myself in the last few years. She actually asked me questions about my family, the medications I was taking then and now. Though she didn't come out and say anything definitive and still wants to do further blood work, she hypothetezied that maybe my liver couldn't fully process the medications I was on and with the immunizations my immune system was weakened, with the history of cancers in my family there might be something more genetic to look for, and the combination of it all especially with the migraine medications just became the perfect storm in my body. I broke down. A 31 year old woman crying in a doctors office.

I have had weekly doctors appointments, and added it up yesterday for taxes, and just last year alone, spent over about $7,500 in medical crap. That is absolutely ridiculous. I'm relatively healthy, but come ON!? The relief that she offered me with just a hypothesis of what it could have been was... I can't even express it in words. Sure, it won't change anything now, it happened, but just to know WHY. I trust God. I do. But I still want a medical explanation of why it happened and why I'm always in pain. She looked at my sinuses and I told her that I've had chronic sinus problems and headaches since 3rd grade. She said they were inflamed and it could be due to dairy. Since I've done radical diets before and I'm in such pain all the time, I asked how long it would be until I noticed a difference, thinking she'd say a few weeks. 3 MONTHS. Middle to end of June. No creamer. No cheese. No milk. No ice cream. Back to reading labels for everything. Dr. Fox gave me hope in telling me and shifting my focus from something I've seen myself as over the last 3 years and told me a new truth- YOU ARE NOT A MEDICAL ANOMALY. YOU A JUST A PUZZLE. I can deal with that. A puzzle can be solved. I walked out of her office for the first time in three years with HOPE. I cannot express how GOOD that feels. So I'll do this dairy-free diet until the end of June if it means less pain.

24 hours later, I was sitting with Dr. Bigelow in her office, the neuro-psychologist. She looked at the scans that I had done a few months ago here in Indiana. She pointed to her screen and the picture of my brain and pointed to the section of frontal lobe that is now missing and said "if they had removed the section just a few centimenters over, you would have no speech. If it was over here, you would have no comprehension." Instantly bawling again. The pain and reality of the last three years have sucked. Royally. Getting my migraines and daily chronic headaches back in the fall of 2009 was one of the worst days of my life because the fear of "seriously, I have to deal with THIS again?" Looking at that screen with her was a small glimpse into the sovereignty of God. It was if He was saying, yes, I know this was not something you would have chosen for yourself. But even in that, I made sure that you were taken care of. She also said to me "for you to have made this much recovery so quickly is truly remarkable". All I could say in response was that there was someone looking out for me in this. So I feel like I have Hope again. So we'll see what happens with all of this. Hoping and praying for more answers from these new doctors, and feeling like they are a God-send right now. Sorry this was mostly a doctor-ish update, but that has mostly been my life for the last three years, so here's a glimpse into my life for real :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Shame

I know I've acted like I'm tough before, but today was a hard day, for so many reasons. I had to tell my bosses at work (2 of 3) about my stroke and chronic headache pain, and even though "I did nothing wrong", there is still SO MUCH SHAME that comes with it. It's unexplainable. For the last 3+ years, I've lived with SO MANY lies and doubts over SO MANY things, thinking that I was inadequate and that I somehow did something wrong or to deserve some of the things that have happened to me... well, it just becomes an old, broken, worn out record after awhile. I hate it.

Doctors and their appointments, medications, living as a medical anomaly, living in a cage behind a mind that seems to malfunction and just yearning for your glorified body already, constantly feeling misunderstood by everyone that surround you... well, you tend to doubt yourself. A lot. Even if you try to portray yourself as a confident, single 31 year old female. Nope, most days, just a facade. I'm afraid. I feel like a shell of what I used to be or even my potential, and I'm yearning to get back to that person. I will not live as a victim, but I have been victimized, yes. Which is why I don't let anyone get close to me. I hide. I cower. I stay busy to try and not think about it all. Now with my intense job in every area, I can't focus on me and my own mess, which has it's own pros and cons. So I'm learning to take care of me in the midst of a world that doesn't make sense today, and I'm not sure when it will again. I refuse to give up Hope because that's all I have left, so I am clinging to it for dear life. With this new job, I need to start working out or having a place for all of my pent up aggression and frustrations to go, since working with Autistic children makes so little sense to me yet. And this entry probably made little sense, but those are my thoughts tonight, or emotional vomit if you will. Thanks for still following along :)
Love,
Amy Christine

My mess is in process of becoming my message

I have been going to a sexual assault survivors group that meets on Wednesday nights, and it has been incredibly healing for me. To find other people that have also had to live through trauma's that they didn't ask to deal with and for an hour and a half, have a safe place to come, cry, scream, whatever- and not feel like I'm burdening people by talking about my baggage... well, it's truly freeing. There is a couple that both went through childhood trauma's, and they shared this quote last week and it brought me to tears. I think for so long I HAVE LET MY PAST DEFINE ME that to have the world as my oyster now and to, in many senses, create new opportunities for myself, well, it's scary and freeing and so many things. This quote is thought provoking and I hope it makes you think just the way it did for me last week =)

Your past doesn't define your present or imprison your future. What happened then doesn't have to happen now. You decide today what your life is going to be. Your present and future are in your hands and your hands alone. Don't let whatever happened in the past hold you back from living your life now or later on. Let it go. Those scars, nightmares, and traumas that hurt you so badly, don't give them anymore power to hurt you. You are stronger than they ever could be. You are so much more than they could ever be. Please don't let them overshadow your beauty or your right to a better now. We all have things in the past that haunt us, but we have to choose to let it go and move on because we deserve to live in the now. We are worthy of a bright future. Run towards it and never look back.

It's rare, but every now and then, I'll get in a conversation and actually allow myself to not be the listening ear and answer some of the questions, which is beyond hard for me. I don't like the answers that I give because I'm still figuring out how to answer them and not have it be a total shock "since I look normal" (whatever that even means). Guess what. Even "normal looking" people have crap to deal with. We all do. it's part of being human. Move on.
I just loved that quote and wanted to share!
Love,
Amy Christine

My "Evangelism" plan...

I had coffee with my friend Lindsay on Friday, and she is becoming a dear friend here in Indianapolis. In College (as a ministry major) I thought I had things all figured out and had an "Evangelism Plan" all mapped out. And then life happened and my idea of God had to radically shift and I found out that the God that I thought that I knew and the plan that I was leading people to didn't quite fit the God of my experience. Not that I shouldn't HAVE an evangelism plan. I would desperately LOVE if I could use my story in people lives to tell them the amazing news of what God has done IN ME AND THROUGH ME. But I realize now that even a walking miracle and medical anomaly that my Evangelism plan sounds a lot more like I'm talking about the Easter bunny and all I can say is "Welp, He is real. I shouldn't be here. That's what I know to be true. I wish you could experience that for yourself." I wish that life made a lot more sense. It hasn't for me, and at the end of the day, even with my advanced degrees and religious training, I have a lot more questions than I do answers, and I've had to rest assured that God is OK with my questions. In fact, He is big enough to welcome and encourage them. He made me with these wrestlings and although I WANT answers, I want to know Him more. So I've had to become OK with maybe not getting answers for now, at least in this season, time, or maybe even this life. If someone could explain to me an Evangelism plan using my story that would make sense for others to hear and present them with the Trust in a non-hokey way, that would be awesome. For right now, I have nothing, other than what I've said above and simply loving them in their process of wrestling too and trusting God with the details of everything else. Maybe that's all that we're really meant to do anyway. Sometimes I think we get so focused on "Salvation" and "being in or out" that we miss the point of the relationship altogether, which really should be the point. Maybe all my education was just to remind me that I need to unlearn who I thought was in control and the "neat" formulas of having it all figured out anyway. Life is A LOT more gray than I used to believe, that is for certain.
Love,
Amy Christine

Learning in the stillness

Jesus Calling, February 16:
"Thank me for the conditions that are requiring you to be still. Do not spoil these quiet hours by wishing them away, waiting impatiently to be active again. Some of the greatest works in my kingdom have been done from from sick beds and prison cells. Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the midst of these very circumstances. Limitations can be liberating when your strongest desire is living close to me.
Quietness and trust enhance your awareness of My Presence with you. Do not despise these simple ways of serving Me. Although you feel cut off from the activity of the world, your quiet trust makes a powerful statement in spiritual realms. My Strength and Power show themselves most effective in weakness."

I've been sick since Friday. I accepted a full-time job on Friday morning, and got to celebrate by being in bed sick all weekend. Not only do I live in chronic, daily pain and put on a smile and hide behind it to not answer questions of "How is it today" but I was bed ridden with a not only a migraine but a sore throat and fever (and we'll find out if there was more at 1:30 after going to the doctor) since Thursday night. I'm super stubborn, but to lay out and watch nothing but TV and sleep because I had no energy was super hard. I was a few days behind on my devotions and read this last night. I was floored to say the least. I shouldn't be amazed anymore, but I still am. I still can't believe that God actually wants to USE ME in my "broken" state. It seems so counter-intuitive. I have a million excuses, and must sound a lot like many of the bible characters that we Hero-ize for their acts of faith, like Moses when he stuttered up to God his excuses... God wants to use me when I'm broken and don't have my act together. I LOVED the line "Instead of resenting the limitations of a weakened body, search for My way in the Midst of these very circumstances" Really? You have a plan in this mess? In my migraines? With my sore throat and fever this weekend? You want to use me like this? When I only see myself as an invalid and I'm bed-ridden? Teach me more of what that looks like then! Because I'm like that pretty often! Teach me what that heart of prayer looks like and I will gladly offer it Lord! You know this life is yours, so do with it what you want Lord!
Love,
Amy Christine

Ruminations...

Since the stroke, my mind gets "stuck" on stuff, kind of like a old record player would when it would repeat the same line of a song over and over again. Sometimes that's OK, like on a Christian song or on Scripture and I don't mind the repeating over and over so much. Sometimes it a little more disturbing, like lately-- I've been having very vivid nightmares- I get into an accident in my car, and my air bag explodes, and my coffee mug goes through lip and dismantles my face. That's not exactly the image you want replaying 40 times a day. After my break-up, over and over, my mind was stuck on "what could I have done, said, or been to have made him stay?" See, these are the things that no one can "see" because to the outside world, I "look just fine" now. My mind stays fixated on something, anything, until something is done about it. I may have to write it down to get it out of my mind (temporarily), try and rationalize with myself about why or why not it is the right time for that to happen, why or why not I can or can not afford it, yadi yadi... But NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT LIVING WITH THESE THOUGHTS IS LIKE. My memory goes one of two ways- either I remember things ALL TOO WELL or not at all. And I never know which its going to be, nor does it have any rhyme or reason. Living with the remnants of this TBI isn't something that is easily explainable to someone else, especially because "I LOOK NORMAL", probably the worst curse of it all. That helps people not ask, not know what to say, not... fill in the blank. So I suffer in silence. Isolated with this. Alone to deal with it.

This week's rumination: get a job. Maybe I shouldn't get one in the mental health field after all, but rather something more like Chase Bank or Target or something- something I could more or less just "leave there" at the end of the day. I've been working so dang hard for almost 4 months trying to find a job "in my field" and can get interviews, follow up with them after, and then I get blown off. To say it's frustrating is an understatement. I have my masters degree and I sell cupcakes. I'm trying to be graceful and realize there are factors outside of my control here, but at the end of the day, I still just sell cupcakes right now and live off of the graces of the government and their social systems. Even to someone with an "able-bodied brain" that is frustrating. I'm seeing my neurologist and a psychiatrist on Monday and getting a recommendation of a neureopsychologist to maybe help give some idea to why physically my brain can't help but stay "fixated" to these stupid topics. There has to be a "medical" reason why I simply CAN'T move on no matter HOW HARD I TRY. It's not normal and it drives me insane, especially when it's about something negative. I try to move on, but physically, mentally, and spiritually, I'm not able to. I've prayed to be released. It seems God has some purpose, just as He did in the Stroke itself, of not taking this from me. So for now, I wait without an answer and still selling cupcakes and praying for something more. I know it's out there and I'm just praying in the meantime that I am available when the opportunity arises. Until then, I will sell cupcakes joyfully.
Love,
Amy Christine

Right on the money

Yesterday was a hard day. I sat on hold for a long time and then finally gave up and just sent them what I needed by mail, drove up to Noblesville (about 20 minutes away) for a meeting that I thought started then but doesn't in fact start until next week, my faxes wouldn't go through at social security at all, my doctors office's lab was closed and I had to get the labs drawn at the hospital and had to wait extremely long but then they forgot one and made me late to meet a friend and I have been late on her already twice this week, and still haven't heard back from any of the places I've interviewed- making me feel extremely inadequate and worried about finances... It was like that "terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day" story from our childhood to say the least. And that was just some of the day, the parts that I can recall. I kept looking for a silver lining but none was there to be found. I sat down last night to have my quiet time and just felt like I needed to read from my little devotional book, and was BLOWN AWAY at how spot on the reading was:

I am above all things: your problems, your pain, and the swirling events in this ever-changing world. When you behold My Face, you rise above circumstances and rest with Me in heavenly realms. This is the way of Peace, living in the Light of My Presence. I guarantee that you will always have problems in this life, but they must NOT BECOME YOUR FOCUS. When you feel yourself sinking in the sea of circumstances, say, "Help me, Jesus!" and I will draw you back to me. If you have to say that a thousands of times daily, don't be discouraged. I know your weakness, and I meet you in that very place. [February 8, Jesus Calling, Sarah Young]

I SHOULDN'T be surprised when Jesus speaks directly into my life, but I'm still astonished every time, going- Really? You saw that? You see my needs? You're here with me? In the last few months, I've had every right to throw up my hands in protest and anger and say "Screw it then" or "You've allowed this to happen. Fine. I'm walking away then" And I'm not saying this to then say 'Oh, look, I've made the Holier choice', but I haven't. I haven't walked away, but tried to walk closer with Him, looking for some purpose in it all. I've been really tempted to just walk away, but again, God has surrounded me with great people that have reminded me that this too, will become part of my message. I want that to just begin already, and am tired of the forming process to get where He wants me to be at.

Love,
Amy Christine

Changes in my feelings of circumstances

Things have changed for me lately. Not necessarily in my actual circumstances, but in my outlook. I've had to come to a place of accepting that this is how things are right now, and though not how I would like them to be, but God has provided things for me, even if things feel financially "tight". I started working at a cupcake shop as a manager, and it's nothing that is going to make me rich overnight, but I get to work with highschool kids and sweets, while being creative. So I'm not using my degree yet- it's only temporary, probably for a few more weeks, but it's a Christian business and hearing Christian music has helped change how I've looked at my circumstances. I started doing the KLove 30 day challenge, where I would only listen to nothing but Christian music for 30 days, and it honestly has made a difference because my mind stays fixated on a line or lyric for hours, so I remain content and repeating scriptures usually all day. I've had several promising interviews, and they all feel like something could happen with each and I would be content serving and working there for awhile.

The middle boy that I live with, Noah, has become one of my favorite people right now, has been doing something that I LOVE. Almost every day, he intentially asks what my high and my low was for the day. He's three. And he's genuinely interested in knowing about those things in my days. Usually, I have to make my language something that is comprehensible to a 3-year-old, but I love that God has uses the questions of a little man to show me that "Amy, I care about you, and this is just one of the ways of how." I love that Noah has this super sweet heart that already just caring to nurture and be present with people. That's one of my favorite things about him. And his giggle. Really, the entire Clark family has become this huge blessing to me as I restructure my life here in Indiana, finding new doctors, applying and interviewing for jobs, beginning to get plugged into and involved at my church, and finding my niche here in Indianapolis. My circumstances may not have changed, but my outlook and attitude towards things that are going has. I'm taking a pro-active approach to actively making my life here the best it can be with what I have right now. I'm surrounding myself with some fantastic people that lift me up and encourage me- with church, with work and leads, with doctors and my various tests (within a week I've had an EEG, a CT scan, and an MRI of my head for my massive migraines- I should get some results tomorrow when I go in. I've gone in to the ER twice this week already, and I'm now on steroids and getting trigger point injections tomorrow.) Taking charge of my life and independence for how I want my life to look here in Indianapolis while I am here, for however long that may be. Although I would love to have a full-time job already, I realize with one, I wouldn't be able to go to the ER or BMV or the other various errands that I've had to do in the last few weeks. Social Security Disability, Medicare, and now Medicaid have been beyond confusing, but sure have been a blessing to not have to be too stressed about some of my bills being paid. God has provided. And for that, I am grateful.
Love,
Amy Christine

Child Life =)

I think I have found what I want to do "when I grow up" (yes, mind you, I am 31 now, and have a masters degree... details). I went in for a tour of the Child Life Department at Riley Hospital for Children in Downtown Indianapolis yesterday, and have been smiling ever since. I loved it. Ever since I was in school and getting my masters degree and first heard about being a child life specialist- I thought "This would be a super job for me"... being able to see it firsthand yesterday sealed the deal for me. When a child gets a diagnosis and has to be in the hospital long-term for something, say, cancer, they need someone to help "normalize" the events in the hospital for them and distract them from all procedures as well. The Child Life Specialist brought her iPad and played music for patients, did a few crafts with them, and would help explain things as best as she knew how to the families. It was one of those surreal days yesterday where I found myself united with this dream of knowing that this is what I wanted to do someday, and kept beaming from ear to ear about it. Unfortunately, there aren't any openings right now at the hospital for it as an assistant, and to get into the actual Child Life department, I would have to wait until the fall to do an internship and then also sit for another exam. But I contacted the people I did the visit with, and I can volunteer in the department now, and that is at least an in for now, so it's a start! I am all about any opportunity that gets me closer to these dreams now!

I am reading this wonderful book called "Bittersweet" by Shauna Niequist, and I've so been challenged by a quote from it. "It's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard, she said, is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things that you really care about" (p.54) What am I willing to give up? What am I willing to sacrifice? What are good things that I still might have to lay down because they are not the best? That's a super hard question, and it does not have any easy answer. I'm still pondering that myself, and thankfully I have a few wise people in my life that also ask me some hard questions and I'm alone some in the car right now commuting to places to interview or volunteer that I have time to reflect on these things. I think I need to intentially make space around me to have the time to reflect on what is going on- writing in my journal, praying, or simply talking to a friend on the phone that I love. I need those things to fill up my bucket, otherwise I run on empty and I am no good for anyone around me, which I hate. For now, life is somewhat quieting down, which I say hesitantly, almost not wanting to speak it and acknowledge it, for fear that it might not last... Sure, I know it won't last long once I have full-time employment soon, but for now, I am relishing the quietness of it all, between volunteering, making time for the sweet family I live with, my wonderful house church and getting to know them each better, and plug in more at my church. They are wonderful things around me here in Indianapolis, and I just need to be on the look out for the blessings in my every day life and to be ready to see what God is doing. It is my attitude and perspective that changes where I am going to go, and to God be the glory. Amen and Amen.
Love,
Amy Christine

Chronic Pain

Living with chronic pain. I don't talk about it much because I hate it and it sounds like whining. People ask why I don't just stay in bed when it hurts. Well, because I would never get out of bed, and there are things that I would like to do... like live life. Trust me, I've sought help for this. I've tried several avenues. I've gotten scans, been to dozens of doctors, gotten massages, and taken I don't know how many medications... Nothing so far seems to help. I have chronic headaches. My high school youth leader has fibromailgia now, but you would never know it. We talk about living with chronic pain sometimes. It's a completely mysterious world to someone not familiar- they think "well, just take 2 Advil and move on". Unfortunately, it's not that simple.

We talked a few weeks ago about it, and she was going to an event at her church, where very few people know about it for her. She would act like her "normal" self, but be on the couch for at least 4 hours in pain the following day because it took so much out out of her. It seems to be if you are extroverted and deal with chronic pain that you don't know how to talk to others about the issue, because you aren't sure how they are going to react really. So instead, I just keep silent, isolating myself in pain further. There are very few people who understand because I've found very few people dealing with chronic pain as well. This last week, my doctor started me on Cymbalta to try to get my pain under control. This isn't a "woe is me" entry, but just a "there's got to be some relief out there besides becoming an addict..." and I want to live a healthier life than that with other alternatives. I'm willing to look for alternatives certainly, and feel like I've already tried most of the things that are out there, and I really want to get healthy and better, but I feel I'm out of options that I know of, and am looking for additional help and ideas. Being in a new place is making my headaches even present differently, so I'm starting to note how that is so. Living with chronic pain is not a clean cut issue unfortunately, and makes for some dicey issues to deal with. Thankfully, I am getting some new doctors with new ideas on approaching the situation and I am writing down what has been tried before and how it has effected me. Hopefully that will make a difference as I move forward. I just needed to get that out!
Love,
Amy Christine

Bringing up my own stuff

I am about to volunteer at Rehabilitation Hospital of Indiana with the Stroke Survivors there, but really have zero idea of what I am getting into so far, as when I started out, the volunteer coordinator resigned on the same day. When I volunteered at Craig Hospital in Denver, it was by far, the best experience I have ever had. So far, being at RHI- although much smaller than Craig, allows me to dream of what if we could make RHI like a Craig, a place where rehab takes place in peoples’ lives and transforms them. As I am reading about the differences in strokes, and much of the information I already knew because I did a presentation on them in my “Grief and Loss" class in graduate school, my own crap is coming up. I’m realizing that I don’t have things as worked through and ironed out as I would like to believe or even let on. I wish there was someone I could take these thoughts to and ask them, but even the people who have been by my side since the stroke have varied as well as my doctors, counselors, etc- so it’s not like I can just call up someone and say, “Hey, have I always been this way post-stroke?” I hate that my life is now even determined and categorized like that. In a way, it’s something to be proud of. But Satan loves to discourage me and remind me of how much further along I should be by now. I love the way that Jolene, my counselor back in Colorado put it when I was training for the 5k- ‘just tell that voice, ‘hey, remember when a few years ago we couldn’t walk? So shut up, we’re going for a run today.” So I know I want to volunteer and offer some hope to other Stroke Survivors because I know how hopeless it feels, but even preparing to do this feels daunting. So I sit here and cry as I read the manual of different kinds of strokes. I find myself getting angry whenever I see the "risk factors" for a stroke, because I didn't have any. God allowed this to happen, but it's not His fault. I am changed forever, and will stop looking for the reasons why it happened to me but be a offering of hope to someone else looking for redemption. Lord, I want to be your instrument for change, regardless of how hard it is for me in the mean time. Help me to accept that and be willing.
Love,
Amy Christine