He is still with me

My fabulous roommate Erin had posters up for my birthday, coffee cake with a candle, her son Noah (3) sang 'happy birthday', I danced with Laney- her 14 month old, and she gave me a devotional (Jesus Calling by Sarah Young) that I've stolen several times and has been on track every single time. She has been a fantastic friend to me since I have moved- the entire Clark family has been really. So this is what I read this morning, and it was a little too real right now:

December 30: I am leading you along a way that is uniquely right for you. The closer to Me you grow, the more fully you become your true self- the one I designed you to be. Because you are one of a kind, the path are traveling with Me diverges increasingly from that of other people. However, in My mysterious wisdom and ways, I enable you to follow this solitary path in close contact with others. In fact, the more completely you devote yourself to Me, the More freely you can love people.
Marvel at the beauty of a life intertwined with My Presence. Rejoice as we journey together in intimate communion. Enjoy the adventure of finding yourself through losing yourself in Me.

There is SO MUCH that I could be angry at God for that has happened to me, and as I look back, I see those places where I could have given up and said "Um, for allowing that in my life, I'm out now" I refuse to be bitter about where I'm at. Maybe that's my stubbornness. Maybe it's my German blood. I know it's the determination that gave me the drive and determination for getting back most of what I've gained back from the stroke, and done what the medical staff said I would never accomplish.

When I was still in college, I had life at 31 pegged MUCH differently. I'd be living in the south, married to a Youth Pastor, raising 3 boys, driving an SUV, maybe working part-time and going on short-term missions trips. Instead, I have my Masters degree in counseling but I'm unemployed, have a heart for other medical anomalies, live with a fantastic family but am still single, have crazy health complications with no answers but I'm refusing to give up hope yet. I have an amazing church and fabulous small group full of awesome people that I am pumped to get to know better... Life is not what I had hoped for and yet, so much more so. I'm going to live each day to the fullest, and one thing that the stroke and seizure taught me is that life is precious and to live each day to the fullest because you don't know what tomorrow will bring. And those are my birthday reflections for 31 :)

Love,
Amy Christine

What a year

This year has been a roller coaster. It's no surprise to many that are close to me or have been friends with me for very long that I like consistency, and that the week between Christmas and New years, when we celebrate Jesus' birth, I get a year older, we get a new year- there is SO MUCH change and so many things that I feel strange about anyway. This year I had hoped things would be different somehow, but they are not really except I am in a new place with my life still trying to settle in but largely doing that in a scrambled fashion with the help of some very caring friends in Indianapolis (My new house church, the family I am living with- the Clarks, and my 'adopted mother' Brenda).

This time of year is very nostalgic for me as well, to reflect back on what happened and to anticipate what will hopefully occur in the upcoming year too. 2011 was unfortunately one that I would like to just forget, for although some great things did happen- like finishing graduate school, completing a 5k, and moving closer to my family; getting my heart broken, losing the sunshine that I didn't realize was so important to my mental health, moving away from many close friends who are now too busy with life again to stay in close contact, being sexually assaulted, and not having a job makes things, well, difficult to start over in a place that you're searching to find meaning to begin with. Sure, I've made some great beginnings of friendships that I'm excited to see how God wants to make things flourish and I think He's brought me back to a church that I was in 2004 where I grew a ton in my faith, but searching for meaning in the midst of deep hurt and sorrow right now makes things as bleak as the Midwest skies. I thought a new start was just what I needed, but now, I'm second guessing that thought. Turns out that it's been much harder than I had accounted for, all for reasons outside of my control really. Yes, God has provided for me in the midst of it all, but I'm still left with the dreaded "why"? I cannot control what happens to me, but rather, how I respond to situations. Things are very much left in the awkward state of "Um, so now what?" I've gotten used to it over the past few years and know no other way of dealing with things in the present. And that's OK. The counselor in me wants to analyze or critique, but also knows that the silence and the person being left to ponder and think about it is also an ok thing that is rarely encouraged in our culture.

I'm tired of grieving. I'm done having my heart hurt. Not every emotion needs to be talked about, but even acknowledging them or that someone might be hurting is OK. If you don't know what to say because it's awkward, just say that. Say that it's hard. That's better than letting there be an elephant in the room that no one wants to recognize. I feel like grieving has pretty much been my story since the stroke. I've had to give up or acknowledge a lot that I can no longer do. I just can't do it all anymore- physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally- it probably wasn't even healthy in the first place. I want 2012 to be a year OF JOY AND CONTENTMENT, not of happiness since that's a fleeting emotion that comes and goes. I want 2012 to be a year where I start volunteering at least at the Rehabilitation Hospital of Indiana and giving back to other people who were where I was almost three years ago, I find out more when I return to Indianapolis since right now I'm at my parents in Michigan. I am a manager at a cupcake shop temporarily, but we both know that it is just temporary for this other woman to have surgery. I've baby-sat and had some other fill-in jobs that are under the table just to make ends meet, and although not ideal, works in the mean-time until I get calls back on these jobs I have applied for. Thank you Jesus for SSDI and Medicare until I get a job to supplement me here in Indianapolis, and if you wouldn't mind, if you could tell me WHY Indianapolis over doing what you need to do in my life in Denver, that would also be great, because I gave up some pretty great things out there to make my way back to Indianapolis just because I believed you said Indianapolis. So anytime you want to show me why, I'm ready to see now. I'll continue to be the persistent widow knocking at the door about this until I hear too. I say goodbye to the lessons I learned the hard way painfully in 2011- the seizure, a hard break up, moving cross country, leaving the stability of graduate school and it's schedule, the assault, some stinky jobs to make ends meet- I'm just worth more than that. So for now, I eagerly await the start of 2012 and all that it might bring- the start of a new job, some new friendships, discipline of starting to train with Erin for a race (we haven't decided on which one though yet), and all that this year will bring with it. I'm ready for a new start. Bring it.

Love,
Amy Christine

Tears and my so called life in Indianapolis

I don't know if I have anymore tears left, and yet, apparently I do, for they keep on coming. Something happens the next day that's unexpected, and I just continue to cry. Absolutely nothing, and I mean NOTHING, has gone "according to plan" since I got to Indianapolis. I was promised a life here of these wonderful things with this great guy, but when reality set in and we were in the same place, we couldn't make it work, and had to let it go of our relationship. His parents are still so sweet and stay in contact with me a little, which has it pro's and con's. I do appreciate that God is using them to put me on their heart and have their prayer in all of this chaos and confusion as I grieve for what is no longer, even if it is just the loss of dreams.

I've gotten plugged into a good church, it's actually where I went to church when I had gone when I lived here in 2003 & 2004, but I am going to start going to a new house church that a friend of mine runs and see if I can plug in there. Finding full-time employment has been much harder than I thought, and God came through with something temporary to be a nanny for a friends children for awhile, but I am having to leave that job too in order to focus on really looking and applying for jobs with much more tenacity right now. I thought that living back in the MidWest would be okay on me, but not seeing the sun has been horrid for my seasonal depression, and trying to explain it to anyone who hasn't dealt with it really makes it sound like you're crazy ('so not seeing the sun makes you sad...' My Brother in Law Justin wants to bottle up the sunshine for me and give it to me for Christmas, Bless his heart!) I wouldn't even mind if it was -20 below or snowy, but the constant rain and gray skies just makes me so depressed- you'd have thought I moved to Seattle!? Things have become somewhat tense with my family and we're just working through our communication right now. Nothing in my life is "bad" but I would say and I do have things lined up for jobs and such, and this process does just take a long time and no one really understands that. They really just want results. So when concerned people call or email and after a few weeks you still don't have a job or something awesome to report, and almost every time I look for jobs, then when I go back to apply for them, they are no longer there to apply for... it's disheartening to say the least :( So, timing is going to be key- if I see something, apply right away and then follow up immediately!

So life here is not turning out as planned, and maybe that is how God wanted it, to teach me that when He calls me to a place, that even though I LIKE things under control and somewhat in order, HE'S IN CONTROL. HE DETERMINES MY STEPS. This morning at church the pastor made a comment that I SO NEEDED to hear, "God is all that I need but I cannot understand that until He is all that I have". I was obedient in moving to Indianapolis. I needed a new start, in a city that was familiar, with friendships that already had beginnings, was closer to my family, but in most ways, it's a clean start for me. It's so scary to really be out on my own in just about every way, but have to CLING DAILY to the only one who will never leave me nor forsake me. My roommate Erin said it so eloquently the other day when she said that our tears really are worship to Jesus. He's not afraid of my roller coaster emotions. He welcomes them. I like that about Him. I like that He can handle my emotions, because, and I'll get real honest here- sometimes, well, most of the time, they aren't all that logical, and it's taken me almost 31 years to accept and admit that about myself. It's a big thing to come to grips with. I have my master's in counseling and love to listen to other people talk about their emotions, but when it comes to my own, I shy away from, slink back into the corner, think that I have nothing of value to share, and do a great job of hiding. Even when I do "share" for more than about 2 minutes, I feel awkward, and like I've used up too much time when I should be listening. I've been trained in school to find my value and occupation now in validating others though the ministry of listening, so it totally feels foreign to me on the "other" side of things.

It's been great to be back in Indianapolis, but something that I was thinking before I moved here has been validated since being here-- although I do need friends that really know me and my "crap", I need new friends whom I get to almost start over with, and begin this new chapter with that don't know the horror of the last several years. I need that. I need that new start of just newness. The last few years have been icky. The constant reminders are on the scars on my body, and I don't need any more reminders of others somehow reminding me of what happened or how far I've come. I'm here. I've made it. Let's move forward. New chapter. New start. There is something that lay ahead. I'd like to find out what that is, tears may come moving forward but I'm hoping they are few and far between now, because I can't take much more emotional fatigue. I'm so emotionally spent. I'm so tired. I don't even have a "job" yet, but looking for one and sorting through all the stuff to keep all of my life in "order" here should be considered a full-time job in and of itself.
Love,
Amy Christine

Step out on the Water

So, if you've been following me on facebook, you know that my move to Indianapolis has been anything but "typical". I've been sickly twice in the 5 weeks I've been here. Within a few weeks of being here, I went through a break up with a great guy and my dreams for the two of us were shattered, details spared for the sake of both of our privacy. My seasonal depression is back, and hard core this time, and it's really hard to describe to anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves. You really do sound like a crazy person when trying to explain that not seeing the sun makes you sad... Difficult to be back in a place where the majority of the time is so cold when you're also cold blooded and cold yourself, and having to remind yourself when you just walk out in a sweatshirt that you're no longer in Denver! Cudddl Duds long-under wear are going to be my second skin until like May!

I still haven't found full-time employment yet, but had a great interview and was called back for a second interview, but the site was about an hour away, and when you add snow or rush hour traffic, it wouldn't be pretty. I've gotten a temporary nanny job in the meantime, and although the hours are sometimes a lot to handle (some days like 6am-9:30pm), God is meeting my needs, even if not in the "traditional" manner. Since I don't have many over head expenses right now and am still covered by Medicare medical insurance, I'm doing okay. Not necessarily ideal, but okay. I continue to get emails of "my friend's cousin needs help next week with her kids" and although having my master's degree and watching kids isn't what I want to be doing, it's meeting a need and I enjoy it for right now.

It's no shocker if you've been following along for awhile that God uses music to speak to me- it's one of the only ways that I will allow myself to "slow down" and listen I guess? Last week it was Laura Story's "Blessings", and this morning, it is Britt Nicole's "Walk on the Water". One of my favorite sermon's from years ago was a look at Matthew 14:22-33, where Peter calls out to Jesus and Jesus calls him to walk to him on the water to Him. Peter walks for awhile, and then starts to doubt and sink when he sees what he is doing, and Jesus rebukes him. Not BECAUSE he doubted, but because Peter doubted the ONE who called Him out on the water to do this task and the faith He had in himself to do it. I could EASILY look at the trials around me right now and throw my hands up in the air and say, "well, the storm is coming, I haven't found full-time work, Danny and I didn't work out, it's cold here, I'm having to 'start-over' in most every area that is important to me, blah blah blah". I don't want to. I've been through too much in the last 2.5 years. I'm stubborn. I am determined. I know there is something for me to learn here. I'm happy with the life I have now, even as hard as it is most days. I'll take it. My life isn't typical, and it's not some cheap platitude that you can just give out on the sidewalk of 'do it this way' and everything will be a cake walk. No. My life for almost 31 years has been hard, and that's ok, because I've had a great Shepard by side for the majority of it now. I wouldn't have it any other way. I wouldn't trade any of it, and I can say that with honesty. Sure, it would have been 'easier' to trade this or that for something else, but then I wouldn't have what I have now. It might make others uncomfortable, but I'm ok with what it is. So here are the lyrics that hit so poignantly this morning:


Britt Nicole "Walk on the Water"
You look around, staring back at you
Another wave of doubt, will it pull you under? You wonder
What if I'm overtaken? What if I never make it?
What if no one's there? Will You hear my prayer?

When you take that first step into the unknown
You know that He won't let you go

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

So get out, and let your fear fall to the ground
No time to waste, don't wait, and don't you turn around and miss out
Everything you were made for, I know you're not sure
So you play it safe, you try to run away

If you take that first step into the unknown
He won't let you go

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities, they try to hold to you
But you know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water, too

Step out, even when it's storming
Step out, even when you're broken
Step out, even when your heart is telling you
Telling you to give up

Step out, when your hope is stolen
Step out, you can't see where you're going
You don't have to be afraid
So what are you waiting, what are you waiting for?

So what are you waiting for? What do you have to lose?
Your insecurities try to hold to you
You know you're made for more, so don't be afraid to move
Your faith is all it takes, and you can walk on the water
Walk on the water, too

Love,
Amy Christine

Carthartic Tears

It's been a rough few weeks. I've started as a nanny for friends of the people I'm living with, and although it's only part-time, it's extreme hours when I am there, like 6am to 9:30 pm. So although on "paper" it might seem like I would have plenty of time to look for another job, I end up putting in over 40-45 hours a week with these little girls. While I look for something more permanent, and we both know that it is only temporary. It makes ends meet for the meantime while I look for something more permanent, and I have already made some connections with people where I would like to be working, so that is cool to see those things happening in the meantime, even if it's not as "quick" as I (or others) would like it. God is meeting my needs right now, and that is a testimony in and of itself that this move was the right decision. I know not having a "traditional" 8-5 with benefits makes some people nervous, and I am looking and applying, but it takes time, and my needs are being met in the meantime.

It's been amazing to move back to a city that was familiar and have things come back to my memory, especially when just a few months ago I couldn't remember my breakfast. LOVING that my long term memory is still working and the recall is there still, and my dad got my GPS to work again, so when I don't know where I'm going (which is daily), I can use it! I've returned to Common Ground Christian Church for several reasons, and God has shown up, mostly so far through the preaching and community that I'm finding there. I've needed both, even when I "say" I don't...

I was dating someone from Indianapolis and really started to lean on Danny in ways that weren't healthy for either of us right now, and won't go into the details since that's our business and not something for this blog. We broke up a few weeks after my arrival here, and all of the things that I had imagined or believed about us being together with my new start here were then shattered with his cold turkey cutoff. I've been able to connect with a few fantastic women, even before our break up, and seeing God speak through them and into my life through the chaos and pain, well, it's great. I've needed that so badly right now, but most of all, I need to sit in God's presence and see if He will say anything about why He brought me back to this place that was familiar for right now.

Maybe all of these things are happening in my life right now to make me direct myself and my posture to God's feet and presence and cling to him, because ultimately, He's the only who can do anything anyway. I've been really angry for a long time, and for good reason- I've had many reasons to be angry, but I'm realizing that they weren't God's FAULT but He allowed them to happen in my life so that I could be USED with others who are going through something similar, a hell on Earth, themselves. I get it now. I always said that I wanted to minster to this population... I just didn't know it was going to happen in MY LIFE first for it to happen (though it does make sense when you take a step back and look at it)!? So for Thanksgiving, I drove up to Michigan to see my family in Lansing, and had about a 4 hour drive both directions, and cried with Jesus both ways. These songs mean so much to me right now. The first song was one that I heard last week and sobbed to... gives a whole to meaning to "blessings". The second was one that God used in my life after the stroke, but has new meaning now too. Life in the now sometimes feels like Acid Rain. It hurts. It's incredibly fragile and painful. Daily. I am constantly asking WHY about the things that happen. Life is hard here, and it's not what I was used to in Colorado, which is both good and bad. But through it all, I'm going to keep seeking Him. From the outside and without faith, that might not make sense.... Through my tears, I will keep pressing in to see what He is doing, and maybe the why's... Call it my stubbornness, call it my refusal to give up without a fight, call it what you will, I want to look back on these first few months of living in Indianapolis and know that this is where I met with God, even when it wasn't easy. So I will continue to seek Him first, even through my tears. May they be an offering to Him, or as Erin says (my roommate)-- an offering of worship unto the Lord. So even when it isn't easy, may I strive to meet with you Lord.

Love,
Amy Christine

Laura Story. "Blessings"
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Mercy Me. "Bring the Rain"
I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Forgetting things

Friday was a frustrating day. When I look back and reflect upon all that God has done over the last 2 years and 8 months, I really am shocked and grateful, which makes days like that one all the more hard to deal with since they have become “out of the norm” for me in my usual routine. I arrived safe, sound, yet very exhausted last Saturday mid-day, and then met Danny’s parents and they were super kind and let me shower and nap at their place (Hope I could offer the same hospitality to my sons girlfriend after a cross-country drive!) It seems I cannot catch up enough on sleep-- I feel like I am always sleeping, but I realize it’s going to be an adjustment period for a few weeks yet. I LOVE the family that I am staying with-- Brian and Erin Clark and their 3 children have welcomed me into their space, and I have my own area, an “in-law” apartment, that is somewhat separate, but I love being with a family again, especially one’s that understand ministry and all that I have to transition to here-- they have been fabulous!
So Friday. Living with a Traumatic Brain Injury is never “cut and dry” or self-explanatory. There is not a textbook manual on how to deal with what “may” happen since the injuries can be from such a spectrum, and for those living closest to me, like Danny, the Clarks, my parents, friends, my future employers, etc.- I sort of wish that there was. Maybe I will attempt to write one someday, at least from one TBI’s perspective on living with it. Some days I “just feel slow and stupid” (and Danny would say that’s an agreement, but that’s the only way to articulate it right now); some days, even with writing things down, things are still forgotten. I drove all the way to a Goodwill today and went there without my purse. Sigh. I do keep cash on hand in the car just in case, but still. Tonight for dinner, I burned what I was cooking, FROM A BOX, while I was in the kitchen and not even a foot away from it. My poor husband someday is going to starve if I actually get married someday. Then when I was coming home at night, I continue to get lost in this neighborhood. Once daylight is out, it seems to take me much longer to get home, so when I pulled into the driveway, I just started crying. I know God has called me to be back in the Midwest again. That thrills and terrifies me at the same time. I am so looking forward to finding out some of the why’s behind my coming back here, and why that couldn’t be achieved in Denver. Already, being able to drive around and remember ‘there should be a _____ over there” and there IS from over 7 years ago… for someone who a few months ago couldn’t remember her own breakfast, that’s a pretty big deal. Just the self-efficacy that comes with knowing-- I have what it takes to live on my own and to make it here and do this myself is pretty huge, so making that hurdle already has been great. So Indianapolis might not be everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s feeling more and more like home to me day by day. I’m excited to see what God has in store in this place and through these relationships. Although I wouldn’t trade anything that comes with living with a TBI and the effects of the stroke on my life, it does mean more medical attention now, being hyper-aware of many things, taking tons of medications, but it also means having days like Friday as a downside. I will take the occasional frustrating day, although there are moments like that every day, to deal with in the midst of life now post-stroke. That is simply how I view the world now, and most days, I am grateful for that perspective. I just need to remember that in the midst of the tears of frustration like Friday evening. For now, I am just grateful I have someone like Danny who is patient with me and reminds me, “Babe, you had a stroke, it’s ok that you forget things, I forget things all the time and I have no excuse. Don’t be so hard on yourself” God really has given me someone so incredibly kind to remind me that I need to remain nicer to myself in the midst of all of the stuff going on. Danny is a wonderful reminder of that in the midst of all of the chaos of transition to life back in the Midwest again. Danny, if you are reading this, Thank You.
Love,
Amy Christine

So bittersweet

So I'm still packing, and it's taking me like eons extra time because I'm having to do most of it myself, and since my place flooded earlier this summer-- I'm having to go through most of that stuff too. I thought I already had gone through a lot of it, but I guess not enough. I've been throwing and giving stuff away for days, and selling things. I got a trailer hitch installed on my car the other day, and I pick up the trailer tomorrow after I volunteer at Craig Hospital for the last time (in which I will probably be a hot mess. I have learned to love that place so much over the last two months!) Picking up the trailer will probably be a moment of finality for me. That this is really happening. I've said many, many goodbyes already, to so many great friends. I know through technology I won't have to really say "goodbye", and Danny has already promised that we can come back and vacation here, because I have learned to love this state so much. It has grown on me so much. One thing that I have dreamed about and contemplated in the last few weeks is just how much growth I am going to go through in the next few weeks. Every time I have stepped out in faith, especially to a place where I have felt God leading me and without a job, He has provided for me immensely... a job, friends, a church, community, a sense of belonging. So yes, it's going to be hard. But my experience has told me before that God has provided in the past, and will continue to provide again. Yes, it's scary. But HE IS FAITHFUL. If I feel Him leading me to Indianapolis, then I also have to take Him at His word and Believe He is going to provide for me, in all of those areas that feel uncomfortable. So no, when people ask me, I don't have a job yet, or a church, or anything really other than my boyfriend and a place to live, but I also know that God is a God of miracles and things are in place for Him to work. I have things in place and have been in contact with people to get things lined up, but I'm still scared. My experience tells me I shouldn't be, and yet, I am. So Danny arrives on Wednesday night after almost 6 weeks apart, sees my life here in Colorado on Thursday and then we drive through the night on Thursday night and most of the day Friday. So theoretically we should arrive sometime late on Friday. I still can't believe that this is happening, but it is. I think it will be more real once I have the trailer and Danny is here. For now, I just know that within a week, all of life that I know as "normal" right now will be totally different, and I think I am ready for that now, as hard as it will be. I'm ready for this new chapter I think.
Love,
Amy Christine

Volunteering at Craig Hospital

As my time volunteering at Craig Hospital comes to a close (I only have three times left there before I move to Indiana), I continue to be amazed by the love, sacrifice and compassion that flows from the people that care for the patients there. A friend that I had met while I was in inpatient care there a few years ago posted this video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nQY4dIxY1H4&ob=av2e), and it still brings me to tears. When I see the husbands, girlfriends, children, wives, fiancees, etc- caring for their loved one's in wheelchairs and in horrific circumstances because of car accidents, some rare illness, strokes, skiing accidents... I can't even get through this blog post because I am crying so hard. I don't know why this has become such an emotional topic for me, maybe it's just because I've had 4 months of my life already taken away by the hospital and don't want anymore to be taken away.

I want a love that's strong enough to withstand whatever comes my way, not just someone who's going to bail on me because something happened and has made life no longer convenient. I met a guy who's wife divorced him after his stroke. There had to be more going on beyond just that incident, but the idea devastates me. I look back on the pictures from when it happened to me, and I hate it. I hate my smile. I hate how much weight I lost in the hospital. I hate how out of control everything was for me, and how my care was up to other people FOR MONTHS. Not having control freaks me out, and it's been something I've been working on personally. I want to grow in this area. But most of all, I want a love that is strong enough to not even question when something happens, but it just takes over into care-giving. I know that's not an easy task that I'm asking for or looking for by any means, but it's become important to me because of recent events in my life. Who knows what could happen. I certainly didn't anticipate a stroke at age 28. Who knows what could happen tomorrow. I don't want to live my life in fear, but at the same time, I want to know that I would be ok if anything was ever to happen to me or the people that I love. And those are my thoughts on this emotional day of Autumn as I pack to move to Indianapolis. I can't believe with all of my preparation that is really next week now! Crazy! I love you all!
Love,
Amy Christine

Creature of Habit

I'm a creature of habit. I've said it and I'll admit it. It throws me off when I go to the gym and the locker I normally use is already in use, or the machines I usually use are being taken. Really, it was a lot to even get myself INTO a routine, and now that's being taken away from me... I have to park in the same areas at stores because if I don't, then when I leave, I wander aimlessly in the parking lot and that's beyond embarrassing. So these are the habits that I've learned to make my life now with a TBI now more manageable. Living with a color-coded planner to remember everything and to-do lists every day might sound like torture to some. It's life to keep me in line now, It's what keeps the holes of my "Swiss Cheese" Brain somewhat manageable. I sometimes get teased for that rigidity. Not that I don't have flexibility or spontaneity, and can somewhat go with the flows of what happens, but I prefer things to be somewhat more planned if I have the choice. I believe it's the routines and plans that can keep me somewhat sane. So I like the same "predictable"ish days, patterns of routines that makes sense and flow, somewhat structured, somewhat more manageable. How that will play out in the next month as I move to Indianapolis and start this new chapter over, I'm leaving up to God, but He knows this part of my heart too, and my desire for structure and routine. Come what may, but I just felt like sharing that desire and slice of my heart.

Love,
Amy Christine

Forever Reign

The season I've been in lately, at least for the past several weeks, has been great. I love to think about this time as learning freedom. It's not something that has just come natural for me unfortunately. It's been a complete opposite from the beginning of the summer. I am anticipating my move to Indianapolis in a few weeks, and though it's a very bittersweet time for me of leaving behind some very important memories and friendships, I know that those are not things I have to leave altogether. Rather, I can take the memories with me to Indianapolis and with how I stay connected with facebook and email, I think this transition will be okay. Hard, but do-able. I know there will be a lot in Colorado that I will miss, especially close knit relationships and community. I've been volunteering up at Craig Hospital, and I think the time that I have given to the patients and the staff there has been 10-fold anything I could ever have "given". I have learned so much. I want my job in Indianapolis to be in the Hospital setting somehow, and want more to put on a resume than "I was a patient once", although having both perspectives certainly won't hurt my chances of being employed at a hospital too!

This morning at church, this song seemed to captivate my attention, and illustrates this time very poignantly. We've sung it before, but the Spirit seemed to hover this morning with this song especially. Pretty much, I am in love with this song now and it sums up what is going on with much of my life right now. The having to leave Colorado and all of the uncertainty in Indiana that awaits me. Here it is, and enjoy!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRBQtIEEkrU

You are good, You are good
When there's nothing good in me
You are love, You are love
On display for all to see
You are light, You are light
When the darkness closes in
You are hope, You are hope
You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace
When my fear is crippling
You are true, You are true
Even in my wandering
You are joy, You are joy
You're the reason that I sing
You are life, You are life,
In You death has lost it's sting

Oh, I'm running to your arms,
I'm running to arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

You are more, You are more
Than my words will ever say
You are Lord, You are Lord
All creation will proclaim
You are here, You are here
In your presence I'm made whole
You are God, You are God
Of all else I'm letting go

Oh, I'm running to your arms
I'm running to arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing
no other name
Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I'm running to your arms
I'm running to arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough
Nothing compares to Your embrace
Light of the world forever reign

Love,
Amy Christine

Fear and Anger

I am now in a relationship with Danny Roberts back in Indianapolis. We have been friends for 8 years, and because our relationship is between us, I will keep the details off of here, although he is wonderful and patient with me :) Being with Danny has opened up years of emotions that I have stuffed for years, because, unfortunately, that is how I "best" deal with them (or have dealt with them for 30 years)... to stuff them and pretend they are not there. Unless it was a positive emotion like happiness, I assumed it wasn't good and therefore wasn't supposed to be seen outwardly. Through my degree in counseling and going through counseling myself, I have learned that anger and fear are not bad emotions, they simply make us aware of things. Anger let's us know that something has hurt us, and it is what we do with the anger that is a sin, not the emotion itself. Fear let's us know that a boundary has been crossed and violated.

Now that Danny is in my life, he has mentioned "where on earth are these emotions coming from? I've never seen these come out before!" That's right. I do a really good job of keeping them under wraps, unfortunately, and usually to my own and to others detriment. People need to know when they have hurt me, and instead, I just stuff it and pretend like all is OK. I'm starting to learn how to be OK with carefully expressing those emotions, and to others, it might seem easy, but for someone who has lived as if the emotions do not exist for 30 years, it is the hardest thing to be cognizant of them and careful to not become Mt. Vesuvio and erupt and let the emotions run all over me or the other person. I don't want to live in bondage to the fear or anger. I know I have been set free from these emotions. Being with Danny has been great, but I also hate that he gets to see the unearthing of them firsthand because they are scary, especially to someone who has just stuffed them for 3 decades. So I am learning what it means to have these emotions and to harness them under the control and captivity of Christ, while taking them captive to Him first. That means a lot that Jesus has provided freedom to me from them, because the emotions themselves are scary. So the move to Indianapolis is going to be a giant leap of faith for me- God, I believe you are there with me leading the way for me to move closer to my family and closer to Danny, will you also pave the way for me with a job, a church, with relationships, and with my heart as well? These emotions are scary, can you please help me to navigate them? Help me to see you more clearly through them Father.

Love,
Amy Christine

My video & Journey

So a few amazing things happened yesterday. I announced on Facebook that Danny and I are official, and even though I think that's a somewhat lame way what to do it and all, I realize that we have friends all over the world virtually making it impossible to tell them all, but he's literally so fantastic and SO SWEET to me. I really like this one and he is beyond an answer to prayer. He spoils me rotten and I like that so far :) I know moving to the same city (we'll only be 20 minutes away from each other in 32 days! Thank you Jesus!) will change the dynamics, but I'm ready to take that step. If I want the other things that come from a relationship, I need to be willing to take risks, which is something I have NEVER wanted to do before, hence, why I'm still single at 30, and why it's taken a man who is patient and kind to give me the freedom and time to wait it out. That freedom makes me believe that we can make it. The spiritual attacks that come make me know that Satan is not happy about this, and God must have something in store for us as well, even if it is just me stepping out from fear.

Also, I've been doing a mini-documentary about my stroke and the journey that I've been on for the last 2.5 years since with God, and the unlearning of everything that I thought I knew about Him and life. This video is amazing, and the video credit should all go to Aaron Johnson at the Seminary. Really though, this story isn't about me at all, something that I have become painfully aware of in the last 2.5 years especially. I've never wanted it to be about me, and when I get in the way, I get hurt. I want it to be about Jesus, plain and simple. He should get all the glory. I'm doing everything I'm doing today because HE saw fit to restore me and because HE saw fit to put this stubborn drive within me to gain functioning back. It's not that I did anything, I was just a fighter and didn't want to stay in a wheelchair or with my parents any longer than I had to. So I uploaded the video to Facebook yesterday. And the response has been great. I realize that most of my followers on here are also my friends on there, but I thought I would put it on here too just in case there wasn't overlap. This is all for Him. To HIM be the GLORY. Thanks for still following!
Love,
Amy Christine

REMEMBER that time when?

This is a huge blog entry. It may not seem like a big deal to many, but when you live with as many quirks as I do now, little milestones each day are a big deal and cause for celebration. I still have to write everything down. I probably always will have to. That's part of my TBI and part of my "J" personality, for better or for worse. It is what it is. So I've written things down two days in a row and then lost the list. Incredibly frustrating to someone who pretty much depends on those lists to be her brain when her brain turns to Swiss Cheese or mush. However, and HUGE praise, I REMEMBERED what was on the lists yesterday when I went to the grocery store anyway. Butter, Brown Sugar, and Flour. Not a huge grocery list and not a lot to remember, but for someone who only a few months ago who couldn't remember what I had had for breakfast, to walk to the back of the store and get what I needed, I felt elated. What a natural high when the things that I thought were totally gone return?

I've been going up to Craig Hospital to volunteer, and to be able to walk through the halls and remember, "oh, that's Jim" or whoever, is so stinking awesome. That wasn't a very high point in my life, and something I don't try to remember often. There's no real reason to do so. But remembering the people who made my recovery possible to have made to to where I am today... that's stinking awesome. I like that part. I think volunteering back at Craig is great for me to not only get experience with the medical side of things like I want for my life now, but it's really good for me to get to see a different side of things other than the patients vantage point. It's been really good for me to get out of the little box that I had myself in, and even people with "disabilities" in... It's been a great experience for the last several weeks and precisely what I want to do but paid in Indianapolis when I move in a few weeks. I'll be on the look out for this kind of position- I know God will open up the doors to use me if He's put this in my heart! Thanks for continuing to follow along! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

running

I want to train for a 5k in the middle of October. That might not sound like that big of a deal to many, but for someone desperately out of shape and for one of the last things I do in Colorado before I leave, it is to me. Especially living in the land of everyone here doing 10k's and marathons... the guilt pretty much lands on you when you step outside. I'm unfortunately not one of those people. I've even tried looking at my motivation behind why I want to run a 5k, and I guess the biggest thing is, I just want to be in shape again and want some discipline in my life. I hate that I'm not in shape. I hate that other things have become more important. I don't want anything to have mastery over me. I hate that already other things dictate my time, my energy, my money... I just want to be a runner. I want to have discipline. I want to be fit. I want to eat what's in front of me and know I can just run it off later! (ok, that's probably the bigger motivation here!) :) So here's where Brooke and I will be doing the 5k: http://action.lungusa.org/site/TR/Events/ALASW_Southwest/1349008588?pg=entry&fr_id=3541 I'd love donations if you feel so inclined, because then I wouldn't have to pay as much either, but we haven't registered yet either! Details! ha! This morning's run was rough. I know the first run will be, but I literally felt like a turtle could have passed me, and I had to stop and walk like every two minutes because I couldn't do it. I hate the mental game. That's the majority of the battle for me, and not having someone in South Denver to actually physically work out with right now. I know I will the day of the 5k and to push myself to keep going to the end of a song, etc., but it's just so stinking hard. I enrolled for a HMO plan with Medicare, and one of the benefits with that is that I get access to 24hour fitness centers once my card arrives. Jill, one of my neighbors upstairs, has said that she would like to go to some classes with me, and hopefully yoga and kick boxing will get me in somewhat of shape to start doing a little running, maybe? Any other ideas?
Love,
Amy Christine

Wanted it to work out differently

Living in Colorado for the last 6 years and having SO MANY unexpected ups and downs... I can't help but looking back on my time out here and wishing that things were different somehow. I've made incredible friendships that are certain to last the test of time. I have been blessed beyond measure in so many areas that I never expected. I have a good church now. I have a masters degree after I was told I would never return to graduate school. I have been beyond blessed, and do not know why, and may never know. I spent time earlier this week with my friend Elizabeth out in Grand Junction (Western Slope of CO), and it's absolutely beautiful over there. Even though our lives look very different now, we have both gone though similar circumstances of loneliness. Maybe mine is best described as loneliness while surrounded by people. There have been people around me, but not people who wanted to walk with me through the stuff I was going through, almost making the circumstances themselves even more difficult to deal with. That's not a blame statement, it is just what it has been. As I prepare my heart to leave this gorgeous sunshine, mountain state, I leave behind the dreams I had that were never fulfilled either. Through living in Boulder especially, I really wanted the "I bike to work, my boyfriend and I jog mountains, we eat organically" lifestyle, but I leave after 6 years never having gotten into that. I could have, I just never had the money or the time. Other things always just remained more important to me, and that's where I invested my time, my energy, my money, etc. This isn't a "woe is me" entry, it is just a remembrance of the unanswered prayers that never came to fruition here. I wanted them, but I guess maybe not enough. I think God is leading me to move on from here to a pace of life where things haven't been quite as hard. Not that things won't be hard in Indy, and for sure the lack of sunshine and humidity will be an adjustment, but the new start and focus on community life and being closer to my family if I need them will be nice for my heart once again. I really wanted Colorado to be a better fit for me, as it has been for so many of my friends. One thing that I have learned in the last few years is that I can wish and long for things to be different but things as they ARE in the present and accepting them as such is powerful. I can not change how other people respond, but I can only handle how I respond to a situation. Freaking out or longing for things to be different is not going to do anything to change your circumstances.

I wanted things to be different in Colorado, both in Boulder and Denver. They both had heartache, for very different reasons. Things haven't been easy for me in my 30 years so far, but I haven't let that stop what God has planned for me or my life either. I always said that I wanted my life to speak for itself, I guess I just didn't understand what it was going to take to allow that to happen in me. So it is with a wise sadness that I write this, and a hope that even though things did not turn out like I had once pictured them in my head for this state at one time, and has it has for many of my friends in Colorado thus far. Hopefully moving to Indianapolis in several weeks will make things different, not that I am running from my problems, but rather getting a new start. I'm ready for the new lease on life, I think, at least I'm doing everything in my power in the here and now to prepare myself for the change of scenery.
Love,
Amy Christine

Apahsia

Aphasia is a crappy term for what the brain does sometimes after a brain injury and although you KNOW what you want to say, your speech comes out to listeners as word salad. It's incredibly frustrating. I only had it mildly when I was at Craig Hospital, but remember other patients having it much worse and it was SO frustrating. I have been volunteering back at Craig Hospital to get some medical experience to have more to say on my resume other than "I was a patient", and met to 2 people in the T-Zone who had had strokes (the T-Zone is a therapeutic area where you focus on playing games as strategy to get coordination back. It wasn't until after I was discharged from Craig that I saw the benefit of holding the cards in my hands, thinking about the next move, etc. as getting some of my functions back.)

At the time it was just fun times with Sandy, the OT therapist. Jill, a patient I met earlier this week, had a stroke 2 months ago, and currently has a pretty severe case of Aphasia. She said something about Shoes... and Sandy and I finally understood her to mean that she wanted to be in my shoes.. Tears welled up in my eyes. I remember that desperation. That feeling of helplessness. Of just wanting the frustration to end. Of wanting to wake up from the bad dream you currently find yourself in and be back to the way things once were. I told her that things were going to get better, but that "this" took a LOT of hard work, and I haven't gotten here overnight. It's taken 2.5 years of hard work, tears, God's intervention, and a lot of prayer. I have no idea why the Aphasia just went away. That's for a speech pathologist to figure out. There's a lot of things surrounding the stroke that I will never understand, and frankly, I am not sure I want to anymore. It happened. Knowing WHY can't do anything now. Having something to blame won't change today. I'll be on medication for the rest of my life. I'm taking care of myself and working hard to prevent anything else from happening. But I'm not letting that prevent me from living today to the fullest either. I could long or wish from things to be different, but they are not. So for now, I will pray for Jill and the other patients that I meet at the hospital that are where I was a few years ago, because I know what it is to be in the shoes, literally.
Love,
Amy Christine

Needing a new start and receiving compliments

Maybe even more than feeling like God might be leading me to Indianapolis is the sense that I just need a fresh start in life. Life for the last 2.5 years has been rough to say the least. I couldn't have planed it, and Colorado has come to represent some really hard times in my life unfortunately. I love the beauty of this place and the weather, but it has also come with some extremely hard heartache too. For that, I think I need a new start, somewhere that's familiar, but doesn't represent such striving and heartache. Where I can be closer to my family if I need them. I know Indy will be a LOT of work, getting a new job, church, making the friendships I have there deeper, pretty much starting over in most aspects of life... but the last few years here have been so difficult. I don't ever want to do that again. I have learned a lot and God has forged character deep within me for it, but in many ways, I feel as though I have been proving a point, and haven't seen the outcome yet. Maybe I won't for years, if ever.

This summer has been tough. I chose to stay in Denver to work on my bucket list and get a part time job to explore Colorado, but had no idea that my room would flood and my renters insurance would do nothing, would lose my computer and my computer liability would also do nothing, I went without a computer for almost 6 weeks and am now starting over on a new one but can't find my external drive where all of my old files were stored on my old computer, I'd have to switch rooms mid-summer, my part-time job would be miserable, my community would begin to not be there for me in the ways they had previously, my friendships here would seem distant as people had babies and got married, I would feel alone, switching over to Medicare health insurance would prove to be such a nightmare and no one would seem to have many answers for me, and my grand-mother just passed away. This summer since graduation has pretty much sucked, as if things before graduation were "rosy"... and I've had to learn this summer as well, how to let go of people's expectations of me- as a daughter and sister, and as a friend. I think for better or for worse, I've held up these "I have to be" expectations" that were unattainable for me and were just striving in the wrong direction and making me feel like a hamster on a wheel.
I've been called out from friends and family for my "negative attitude" when really, I just want to say in response, life has been really shitty lately. Yes, my life isn't "comfortable" and I know that makes some people squirm and not know what to do for me, when that isn't my problem. I'm learning boundaries with my counselor right now what what I can control and what I can't control... which is SO good for me to learn, even if it's a lesson that's taken me 30 years to learn. How would you respond? I don't want cliches or trite answers, and that makes SO MANY people uncomfortable. Americans aren't ok when people are hurting. We want to make it all better somehow, and when we can't, we feel we have failed them. SIT WITH ME. JUST BE WITH ME IN MY PAIN. My place was flooded and the things I thought I had in lace to protect me aren't covering me. My job stinks. I feel alone here. I've been taken advantage of by a few internet scams and career counselors in a time where I just need to get my life back together. I went from having extreme structure in my life to having almost none. My chronic pain with my headaches got a lot better for awhile but has seemed to have gotten worse in the last few weeks again. I'm back volunteering at Craig hospital, which is great, and is a reminder every time I walk in there of how FAR I have come in the last 2.5 years, where the Lord has brought me, and how He will continue to use me. Some days are just harder than others.
One thing that has really messed me up and been on my mind as of lately has been accepting and receiving compliments. It's never been something I have been good at, and especially after the stroke as I was getting abilities back, it was hard for me to hear "that's awesome that you are walking again" or "improving with X" because I couldn't SEE those daily gains, I was busy living life! I've been chatting with my friend Danny in Indianapolis about this, and he's been telling me the most wonderful things to hear, but because I can't remember (loaded word for someone with a traumatic brain injury) ever really hearing those things when I was younger from my parents, it feels weird to have them said from someone else. It's not as though I have never heard them from other people in my life that aren't important to me, and I know that my parents deeply love me, but the words come off hollow and somehow without some meaning because I can no longer recall those memories of times with my parents, and I think we all want our parents approval or validation somehow, regardless of how old we get. So right now I'm processing a lot.
Processing that I've come a long way (yesterday was 2.5 years, came and went and I didn't even realize it was the 25th until today), life;s circumstances are crappy but I'm choosing to look at the positives, like the fact that Office Depot GAVE me a credit on my old dead computer and I got to get a new one this week! WOOHOO! So things might not be all rainbows and sunshine, but I'm realizing that's ok and a part of life in this season comes with pain. I'm accepting that and trying to look for the greater good that will come out of this, even when it hurts and I hear things that are insensitive and I don't want to hear, which is pretty much hourly. I'm choosing to live for today, even when it's hard and I don't want to, knowing that there will be a purpose in it, even if I don't see it at the time. So tonight, I'm going to celebrate Myelle Swanson and her daddy Andy and tomorrow celebrate 25 years of the Downing House, and choose not to think about the other 100 things that aren't going right in life. Those things are things that I can not change or do anything about,so I need to celebrate the things that I can. And for that, I will make a little toast tomorrow at the party :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Contemplating the Whys

I listened to K-Love tonight on my way home from the grocery store, and a woman called in with a praise that a friend who had been diagnosed with cancer and given a 20% chance of living about two months ago is going to have one more round of radiation and then should be fine. God has answered and miraculously healed him. I welled up with tears, thankful with this woman that God has answered, but also saddened. Yesterday, I found out that a friend of a friend back in Indianapolis who had breast cancer, it migrated to her brain and she passed away two months before the doctors had "projected". I'm left contemplating the bigger why's tonight, why He chooses to answer some prayers miraculously and leave others unanswered. My story is miraculous. I can't look back and not see faithful intervention and intentionality in it. However, nothing since February of 2009 has come "easy", but rather, has cost me with blood, sweat, and LOT's of tears. To say it's not fair seems unjust and a far cry from what I really want to yell. My heart breaks for my friends losing friends to cancer, I have lost grandparents to the disease and think it's incredibly unjust. It makes no sense to me. Maybe that's the point. Maybe I'm not supposed to understand it. I would be a horrible God if I had to make those kinds of choices, of what prayers to answer and what is supposed to be "character building" in someone's life. Maybe that's why I'm here and He's there. ;) So tonight as I hurt for my friends in Indy who are hurting over losing LB and contemplating this answered prayer for the man cured of cancer... I'm left with questions of Why and what we do with pain and suffering. If it's supposed to help us become stronger people, that's great, but BE HERE and DO IT already. Come DWELL with us in this pain, because it hurts and it sucks. There are a lot of unanswerable questions as I go to sleep tonight. Put it on my list, right Jesus?
Love,
Amy Christine

Stinking health Insurance

I was going to post about how much I have been LOVING going on outing's with former Craig Hospital outpatients simply because it's one less thing I would have to explain (by the way... 2.5 years ago, my brain exploded and that's why I'm different now). I'm just accepted for that- I've been to South Dakota camping and white water rafting with them and I've LOVED it.

However, the last day or so has been devastating to me. I'm still pretty much living off of Social Security Disability checks each month, and a few miscellaneous cleaning jobs as well. The hosting job at the country club hasn't been as fulfilling (pay wise or with my time) for me to make ends meet. This month I am automatically enrolled in Medicare because of SSDI, but the process couldn't be more confusing. I met with one of my social workers today at the hospital and bawled through our appointment together. The government has made sure that Medicare is the most confusing process out there, and for those of us living off of SSDI checks with a TBI (traumatic brain injury) it's even better. There's part A and B (Hospital and Doctors), which I am automatically enrolled for, part C which I am not but need to enroll in a Medigap policy, and then part D (Drug Coverage), which I found a policy that I liked and seemed to cover most of my medications but the policy alone would be like $70 a month and then about $117 for my monthly medications. But the policy I liked I found out was simply drug coverage and not medical, so I need to keep looking- great news! :( My social worker gave me the contact information for a guy who handles Medicare for a living so I'm hoping he has more news, because right now, things seem really hopeless! So for something I didn't even choose to have happen to me a few years ago has forever altered how I see the world and relate to it, I can't just go without health coverage; would be denied any other coverage because the stroke is considered pre-existing; I can't stay with Cobra because it was crappy, will only cover me for so long, and didn't cover much and was just something I was using until Medicare kicked in and was expensive; and don't want to just stay with original medicare because having to pay the 20% of my doctors visits and the cost of my medication would be way too ridiculous... so I seem out of options at this point. So I just cried with Victor this afternoon because I don't see any solutions to this crisis (which I guess is the definition of a crisis after all). If you have options that I'm not thinking of, let me know, but at this point, I seem out of ideas besides finding a sugar daddy (which still hasn't arrived) or getting a job with health coverage to escape all of these woes... And that's my thoughts as of right now, pretty much just centered around what to do about my health coverage until I get a real job. So leave me your thoughts that I haven't thought of, and thanks for continuing to follow along with my progress and recovery!
Love,
Amy Christine

Life as of July 21, 2011

Today is Thursday, July 21, and I feel like I am going to drown most moments to be perfectly honest. This is probably the lowest I've been in a long time, and I hate it. To describe my life and situations right now sounds like a horribly scripted play that you couldn't pay me to watch, and instead, I have to get up every morning and make more angry phone calls, try to figure things out with switching from my crappy insurance company to Medicare (because I'm still on SS Disability, but none of my social workers will get back to me to explain how the process works and it's beyond frustrating to deal with it all alone). I went camping last weekend with some former outpatients from Craig Hospital, and though I've been spoiled by the beauty of nature in Colorado, the Black Hills of South Dakota was still pretty to be in and I had a ton of fun playing cards and sitting around the campfire with them. Unfortunately, I returned home to find out that my house had been flooded by the monsoon rains we have been having (my window well filled up with about 100+ gallons of water and the window broke) and my renters insurance won't cover any of it. To make matters worse, I thought of having a garage sale and having friends donate stuff but I would sell it, but I can't have it at my place... so all of the money I had put aside for moving is probably going to be used to replace this stuff instead.

Friends of mine in Indianapolis have said they want me to move in with them for free and another friend is selling her place and getting rid of her stuff, so that would be things I don't have to haul across the country, so though I am leaving behind a huge support system here in Colorado, Indianapolis seems to be more and more where God seems to be opening up doors right now. That scares me, but I sense that He's asking me to trust. Many of the events as of late seem to be helping to point in that direction as well, as scary and uneasy as that is. Last week I went to a Mat Kearney concert, and he's seriously one of my favorite musicians ever. He just speaks to my soul, and the show was great! One of my unofficial summer bucket list checks for sure! This song has always spoke to my soul, but in light of what feels like the bottom coming out from under me... well, once again, Mat, Thank you. An excerpt from "Closer to Love"

If every building falls, and all the stars fade
We'll still be singing this song, the one they can't take away
I'm gonna get there soon, she's gonna be there too
Cryin' in her room, prayin' “Lord come through”
We're gonna get there soon

Oh, it's your light; oh, it's your way
Pull me out of the dark, just to shoulder the weight
Cryin' out now, from so far away
You pull me closer to love, closer to love

Meet me once again, down off Lake Michigan
Where we could feel the storm blowin'
Down with the wind
And don't apologize for all the tears you've cried
You've been way too strong now for all your life
I'm gonna get there soon, you're gonna be there too
Cryin' in your room, prayin' “Lord come through”
We're gonna get there soon

So here's what I'm thinking as of right now. Filing out paperwork for Medicare and Social Security (they seem linked somehow, still figuring out the process!); writing a letter to my insurance company with pictures telling them that it SHOULD be covered and why and hoping that does something; currently living between my car, the garage, the queen room of the Downing House, and some things in storage at Tara's and Brianna's still (but obviously haven't needed it for months); the documentary clip that I was doing for the Seminary I will be continuing to shoot on Wednesday; helping friends move back to Indianapolis on Saturday (I'll actually have friends from school to come back to!!); and some more doctor's appointments if I can find everything that was "where I left it" before the disaster struck... Good LORD I have no idea where anything is now! Thank you roommates for moving it all, but seriously, where is ---- now? Ugh, I just need a map or 30 more hours in the day- for medicare and this switchover and getting a supplement plan, for all my crap, money and a job to move- I just need my life to fall into place already! There's just so much to handle and coordinate and it feels like so much, and I actually long for the days where I just had graduate school to coordinate because that seemed "simpler". I just shake my head thinking of all the things that need to get accomplished and when they are actually going to get done. People have asked what they could do for me, but honestly, unless you're going to sit on hold on the phone or sort through warped books and papers, most of this has to be done by me unfortunately. So life sucks right now, but even amidst the trials I still know He's here, even if it doesn't feel like it and I'm pissed about my circumstances. Life doesn't make sense. Maybe it's not supposed to. My dreams of writing a book are still there and this will certainly be a chapter, but hopefully just a lowly chapter. And that's all that's on the brain for now, so thanks for letting me take a brain dump :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Seeking direction

I'm broken and looking for direction. I really thought my next step was Indianapolis, and maybe it still is, but right now, I need healing and support and making a cross-country move to virtually start my life over again doesn't feel very supportive. The main reason I would be making the move would be to be closer to my family, and with them still four hours away, it's not as though they can just come over if something "comes up". So once again, I'm seeking direction when I thought I had it, and I HATE this aimless feeling. I know I'll look back at this time 6 months or a year from now and go, "wow, I grew a lot then", but right now... I just feel aimless and without purpose. With being a very driven person who fought for everything back in the last 2.5 years through graduate school and the stroke... this sucks and has taken me very much by surprise. I don't know what to do so just cry and journal. I wish it was different, but it's not. I've done all that I can do, and I am just waiting for God to do what He is going to do or other people to do their parts now. I'm not very patient. You probably haven't noticed that. So for now I wait. It feels like an eternity, but I know it is just hours passing. My to-do list of things I don't really "want" to do still sits there, day by day, still not getting done. Maybe tomorrow I'll get motivation to do something about it. But for now I wait and pray for direction on what is next. I don't want to go any place that God is not leading me, but feel I need healing somewhat first (and hope that makes sense). Thursday I leave to go camping with some outpatients from when I was in the hospital at Craig years ago. I think time in the wilderness in the Black Hills of South Dakota will do my heart some good right now as I ponder my next steps.

For those of you in Indiana that thought I was moving back, maybe I still am. For those of you who have been my support here in Colorado and my family away from "home", thank you for your continued support. I love you very, very much. This months are seemingly dark but I know they are not without hope. I still choose joy.
Love,
Amy Christine

Learning Boundaries

I'm learning boundaries, probably healthy ones for the first time. Anyone who really knows me knows that my boundaries suck. I say yes to all the wrong things, and no to the things that would actually be beneficial to me and help me grow. It's usually that way, well beyond the point of being able to do anything about that it dawns on me what I have done, in one of those Homer Simpson 'DUH' moments. It's become classic Amy after 30 years really, but I've come to hate it. So this book has been on my list things to read for years, and the pile of books to read after graduation was at least up to my knees, but Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend was one book that I took with my on my trip to Jamaica with my family, and I am so glad I finally got around to starting it. The way that they use scripture and psychological insights... well, it's just a great insight for someone who needs better boundaries personally. This analogy hit me hard as I was reading yesterday.

p.93 in talking about law#6, The law of Evaluation and using the analogy of going to the dentist.
"Well, have you ever gone to the dentist?" I asked.
"Sure."
"Did the dentist hurt you when he drilled your tooth to remove the cavity?"
"Yes."
"Did he harm you?"
"No, he made me feel better."
'Hurt and harm are different," I pointed out. "When you ate the sugar that gave you the cavity, did that hurt?"
"No, it tasted good," he said, with a smile that told me he was catching on.
"Did it harm you?"
"Yes."
"That's my point. Things can hurt and not harm us. In fact they can even be good for us. And things that feel good can be very harmful to us."

Hurt vs. Harm. Even after a master's degree in counseling, this explanation seems so simple, and yet so monumentally huge. The depth and weight that it conveys, and the sheer magnitude of the difference between hurting and harming. Wow. I am just learning a lot right now, reading a lot of books that are making me think and grow in ways I didn't know that I needed to (in a good and healthy way) about a lot of different things, but this area for sure. This is one of the key books to do something about it in my life and help me grow in this area and learn to do something about the things that I've never known how to do something about. I just want to grow and learn to be healthy in this next season as I grow into it, whatever it might be.
Love,
Amy Christine

Roller Coaster Kind Of Life

I went to Jamaica with my family last week, and much like I do with Christmas, I fantasized about this get-away island paradise for weeks. Literally, it was all that was getting me through those last weeks of school and some brutal nights at work, because I had an island getaway coming up... The days by the pool and sipping drinks, snorkeling and scuba, and time with my family was for the most part, good. Scuba and snorkeling was amazing- I got to see coral, sea urchin, and eels-- and I now think I'm in love with snorkeling?! People have asked me (and rightly so) wasn't it just amazing? Unfortunately, the getaway left me thinking "is this it?" With all of that time reading and contemplating life by the pool, I asked some hard questions, about myself, my life post-graduate school and where I might be headed now, of God, of my family... I've become a much more contemplative person in the last few years. I think it was always there, this serious side of me, but with the years of learning how to listen well in school as a counselor, I've realized that I've been given 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason... I am a much better listener than talker after all, which is not how I have lived or how I have been known and that's okay. This new season of post-school also means new rules and definitions. I get to define things on my terms and how the Lord wants to use me, even if that isn't how I've been used in the past. I did better with a routine and set schedule to know what was coming up (hence school was really good for me because it gave me boundaries, even if I rebelled against them at every turn!) I actually forgot what day of the week it was Thursday about halfway through!

So life right now is uncomfortable. It's unlearning some familiar boundaries that I've grown accustomed to over the last 2 years since being back in school, and now post (graduated) and questioning everything. I realized after spending that much time with my family that we have our issues like every family does, and that's part of the human condition. The trip left me wanting more, wanting things to be different somehow, and has made me question so many things since. So now I'm questioning pretty much everything- where is my next step, why, where to look and for what, and being disciplined with what I have in the now. It's already July 4th weekend, and I've barely made a dent in my bucket list. There are a lot more things that I want to do, especially this month. I have a lot to think about. Without school and after those interactions with my family, I feel like there is a security blanket being swiped out from under me. Maybe it hasn't after all. Maybe I'm just searching for God knows what right now and needing direction. I'm scared, hesitant, not wanting to make a move lest it be a wrong one. I'm just terrified being out in the open now. I thought this would be so freeing, but instead, it's proving to be the opposite so far and freezing me in place, almost unmovable. I know wherever God asks me to go, He will provide friends, a church, a place to live, a job, etc-- He always has in the past and has been so faithful so if He asks me to go some place, I know He will also provide for me to be there as well. This uncertainty has nothing to do with my interactions with my family from that trip, but rather, just the quiet of being by the pool, reading, and reflecting. Right now is just scary with all of the unknowns surrounding it, not really knowing anything that lays ahead of me. I don't do well without a plan, even a rough sketch of an idea of what might be ahead. I thought I had the city and I could move forward, and maybe I need to take more time to pray about that as my option to make sure it is where He really wants me. Until then, I'll keep working on my bucket list and trying to remain faithful in the little things.
Love,
Amy Christine

Stupid Memory

I am crying as I type this. Emotional breakdown doesn't begin to touch how I'm feeling. When you have two brain surgeries and they remove parts of your cerebellum and frontal lobe (yes, they were dead), I'm left from the stroke with cognitive impairments that I will never get back. They have gotten much better. I used to not remember AT ALL what I had done that day or peoples names that I had just met. Now I CAN, which is amazing and such an accomplishment. As I have worked at the country club (which is VERY memory driven), it has been AWESOME to be able to recall "oh, that is Mr. ----, he was in here last x and had a ___ and sat at 302."

I've needed this letter for loan deferments to prove that I am getting public assistance (SSDI), and I got a letter from them a few weeks ago which showed this. I remember opening the letter and saying to myself "file this, it is important". Unfortunately, I've torn my room apart, and letter is still missing in action. If I could even express how frustrating that is and what that does to have to email someone any say "Yup, Hi, I'm incompetent, lost it, can I get another please?" I know it's just a piece of paper, but one that shows to the loan people the documentation that they are looking for... between the loan people and SSDI/SSI, both have been incredibly not helpful the last few years and I'm surprised I'm not fully gray from dealing with them. No wonder I have had migraine headaches. Both have been necessary "evils" in my life, but if I haven't had to deal with them, I would not have by choice. So I emailed the woman back today and told her that I've looked everywhere and still cannot find it, and how do I go about getting another copy. It might mean sitting on the phone for a few hours with Social Security, my favorite. And this has become my life post-stroke- oh the joys of being independent, right?! Sigh! Lord, if the stroke was in your will, that's fine, but can you just have some grace and help me keep these daily things in order please, because I really hate having to email people or tell them that I've lost what they have given or entrusted to me. I've accepted that the stroke is a part of my story now and learned how to incorporate that into my story, so help me learn memory techniques too. This can only get worse with age, having children, and time from what others tell me, so prepare me Father for what's to come.
Love,
Amy Christine

Colorado bucket list

So, I'm intentional and a planner. When I've taken the Myer's-Briggs Personality Inventory, I always come out as a strong "J", which also means planner (my father even types up his to-do list. It's genetic.) Anyways, so I've mentioned a few times that there are places west of the Mississippi that I have to see, especially while I am a resident of this fabulous state. I have my friends Allison, Angela, and Dan to thank for some the contributions to this list being Colorado Natives ;) Here are some of the items on the list (and I love that in most of the places I want to go visit, I have a friend or two there as well, so it becomes a double whamie, seeing a fun place and catching up with great people too!) :

- White water rafting (I've been before, but absolutely love it!)
- Red Rocks Concert (I went there for Easter Service this year, but still want to experience a concert yet)
- Steamboat Springs to visit my friend Julie
- Grand Junction to see my childhood friend Elizabeth
- Sand Dunes (apparently with a metal sled)
- Mesa Verde
- Royal Gorge
- Alpine Slide at Heritage Square
- Jack Quinn Pub in Colorado Springs on a Thursday night to hear Irish songs
- Hike a 14'eer
- Lakeside amusement park
- Wildflower hike (Crested Butte or Aspen)
- Sherpa House in Golden
- Moab, Utah
- Jackson Hole & Cheyenne, Wyoming
- San Juan Skyway Drive with Danny
- Cave of the Winds
- Waterton Canyon
- Manitou Springs
- Camping (tent and all, think I'm going in July maybe to South Dakota)
- Black Canyon of the Gunnison and the Gunnison Valley (my roommate Meg is from Gunnison and says it's picturesque and I must go with her to see it!)
- International evenings of dance in Vail
- Botanical Gardens (I've posted a few pictures and it is gorgeous and I'm planning on going there many more times!)
- Denver Zoo

So there is some of the list and is is by no means exhaustive or finished. I think I may have a special color of highlighter for my calendar of things for this list, but either way, I'm excited to get started on getting to see these sights and experience these things! YAY for good times with great people ahead! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Beautiful start to summer!

This is more like what I had pictured summer to be. Sunny. 80's. Beautiful outside. Sitting outside in my bathing suit as I write this, while eating a Mediterranean salad. For the last several weeks, this state known for it's sunshine (over 300 days!) has had cloudy skies and miserable temperatures, going from 80s to 40 or 50's in a matter a minutes, and making someone who's subject to weather migraines absolutely in agonizing pain. This spring has been the worst for my head probably ever. I've made a bucket list of places I want to go see and travel around in the state and people to go visit yet while I still live out this way. Between cleaning for people's homes, and learning new things at the country club every single day, volunteering at the Ronald McDonald House (which I'm loving), doing things for the community where I live at (which I'm still loving and continues to be perfect for me right now, and all the other things that seem to keep me busy daily... I keep myself busy since graduating just a few weeks ago. Sometimes I forget it's only been two weeks and a few days!

Last night I got called into work for the Memorial Day BBQ and they had some island music playing, and it got me so excited to go to see my family in 2 weeks in Michigan and then Jamacia together. I haven't really been able to relax here in Denver, so getting away to MI and Jamacia should force me to relax, or at least I'm hoping it will!

I've decided I won't start looking for jobs in Indianapolis until after I get back from Jamacia, since there is not really anything I can do about them until I get back anyway. The more I think about what life might look like a year from now, I am filled with apprehension, fear, unknowns, why's, but then I am reminded that the last few years have not been about me either. There is so much that I want to do or accomplish, but know that those things cannot happen without God leading the way first. I am terrified about what might be next when I get honest. I know it will be good, but I like structure, and am not good with change from the routine of things that I know or what I am comfortable with. Graduate school, even though it was incredibly challenging, was good for me, because it provided a structure to my days, of where I needed to be, what I needed to do, etc. I may just move to Indianapolis without an official job and look when I arrive, as it might be easier to search for jobs actually being in the state than trying to do that long distance anyway. I may just save up my money from working this summer to get me by for a month or two and get a hostess job when I first arrive too. It's all up in the air right now, but that's what I'm thinking right now, it would certainly take the pressure off moving and having to start in two weeks!

I think I would still like to write down my story in a book, but have no idea how to do go about doing that, but I would still like to do it somehow. Since having my stroke, I've learned of at least three other young women that are friends or acquaintances also having strokes, and that terrifies me. I did the video for my school, which is now partially done (the doctors and my portion), but still think the message of how much a stroke can change your your life and where you are headed needs to get out there somehow... I just had no idea at 28 that a) strokes could happen to young people b) you could actually live through a stroke c) how your life could be thrown upside down and what you would have to face because of a stroke. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually... it's effected all of me, to the core. It shook me and where I was headed, why I was in school, what I want to do with my life, it's changed a lot about me, and I'll never be the same, never get that Amy back no matter how much I work at it or how hard I try. I like this Amy and what I have now better than where I was going, and the relationship I have with the Lord is more authentic. It has been incredibly hard, but it is real. My relationships with the people around me have weathered a lot, but are better for it as well. I wouldn't trade these lessons. I wouldn't have picked this road if I had the choice, but I am blessed and better because of it. This is all I know. It's taken much of my memory from me as well, changed how I even saw myself and interacted with the world around me, and I know God is going to use it in the lives of other people for His glory. I'm different now, and I'm becoming okay with that. Amen.
Love,
Amy Christine

Dr. Markey

I often feel guilty. That's been a theme of my walk as a Christian for the past 15 years, so it's not a new thing post-stoke, although it is one of Satan's favorite tactics of "How is God actually going to use you and your story?"... anywhoo. I went to see my old Neurosurgeon today to get the time-line of what happened with what surgery when 2 years and 3 months ago (today is my anniversary). Dr. Markey was a truck driver before he was a surgeon... he has a great story. I teared up as he was re-explaining things to me because every time I hear it, I hear God's faithfulness. Dr. Markey wasn't even supposed to be on my case that day. But God was there. I may not know why, and may never know this side of Heaven, But He was there. I may not like the effects that have come of it, and may have to deal with some crappy side effects forever because of it... but God was there. God has and is going to keep using it. I want to use my experience to work with other people who have been dealt a crappy hand too, a medical diagnosis they didn't ask for either. Whether that be cancer, diabetes, or something else... I want to walk with them and help them find healing and redemption IN THE SUFFERING of the day to day to do of what it is that they want to do. For me, it was finishing school, and now moving back closer to my family and getting a job. What that looks like, I don't know yet... I feel like I've said that like a dozen times on the blog now! ha! When I know, I'll tell you! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Graduation

After 3.5 years of hard work, sleepless nights, reading for classes and assignments, tests, exams, practicum, 2 internships, a stroke, a seizure, more migraines and chronic pain than I want to think about, 3 semesters of chapel attendance, 3 semesters of training and mentoring growth with two different groups, a doctor telling my family I would never go back to school and my going back 6 months later almost to spite him and not listen and show my stubborn German roots, having my driving license and then not and having to get rides, and then getting it back with restrictions and then getting it back finally to have it taken away again and then it back for a couple of months, 6 moves (and having to remember those addresses with my memory post-stroke!), 2 cars.... it's been a journey. No one could have mapped this out. Heck, even for me to remember all this sucks. My lapse in even blogging about this achievement shows that I have found things to keep myself occupied since graduating last weekend on the 14th. I'm now working as a part-time hostess at the Denver Country Club, and feel like the new kid because I'm the only one who doesn't seem to understand the culture of the place, the names of the members, or how things operate- a learning adjustment for sure! I'm volunteering with the Ronald McDonald House this summer here in Denver because I would really like to get a job in a hospital as a medical social work position of sorts.. still trying to trust that God knows what He's doing in using my degree and my experience and story for His glory to find a job in Indianapolis since that's where I'm feeling the most led right now. I was going to volunteer with Craig Hospital as well, but don't seem to have enough hours in the summer to do it all unfortunately to do it all, with the club, the Ronald House project, and putting in the hours I need at the place I'm living, the Downing House. How I wish there were more hours in the day and I could do it all!

The picture above that I added to this post was one that my little sister Kelli and I took when my family came out here for that weekend. It was great to have them here for the weekend, for them to get a snapshot of my life here and to see what I've been talking about when we are talking on the phone. It was great for them to see just how hard I've hard to work to get pieces of my independence back here... there's a lot that can't be communicated through the phone or emails, but it was great to have them here for the weekend, and I'm still trying to organize my summer life (thank you cards, cleaning my room, mending, making my bed, running errands that never seem to end... and the list continues). Soon to be added to that list after I get back from the trip in June with my family to Jamacia will be looking for jobs in Indianapolis... sigh. The life of responsibility. Not ready. I'm not sure I ever will be, but the alternatives (getting a doctorate or becoming a stay-at-home mother) aren't appealing either... so, I think option one is my best bet. So if you hear of anyone needing roommates in Indianapolis or medical social work positions in Indianapolis area, let me know! I can't do this alone, that is for sure! I'm not too proud to ask for help!
Love,
Amy Christine

Boulder, Intentionality & Purpose

I went up to Boulder this last weekend to celebrate my friend Brooke, both for her birthday and because she's getting married next month. I rode the bus up there (and who really would want to pay these gas prices right now!), and actually got time to look at the scenery (which is gorgeous!) instead of the bumper in front of me. Memories came flooding back to me... and I really only think I have been up to Boulder like a handful of times since my stroke (and with the way my memory works now I can't remember them anyways!) With the music I was listening to on my iPod, it just made for the perfect weekend, to celebrate with Brooke, to stay with Ashlyn, to revisit a place that had been home for so long and that I had weeped over in prayer, where I had hurt so bad for and had so much heartbreak take place in that town and times of really finding out who I was as a young 20 something... Gosh, I sound old and jaded as I write this! ha!

But seriously, this weekend was great, and I think I need to go up to Boulder to hang out for a couple of days to soak in the beauty that surrounds that place and just relish in it when I don't have the demands of a job or school dictating my where-abouts. I think more than anything, that is what I am craving right now in my life. Release from the responsibilities of life. I am 8 days away from my last final exam, and 11 from my commencement, and I'm terrified. I just need a break. I almost had an anxiety attack today about what might lay ahead, and that overwhelms me. I have no idea. The woman who always had a plan has vague inklings of what might be ahead through September, but beyond there, everything is very hazy. That is really scary. I am about to break free from the cocoon of graduate school, which should be the most freeing thing but instead, I am almost paralyzed with fear, and I hate that. I have the amazing opportunity to love on and pour into some amazing men and women in the community I live in, and am very excited to do that more intentionally this summer, and I am planning on volunteering at Craig Hospital and possibly the Ronald McDonald House, and working very part time at the Denver Country Club, so it's not like I am completely without a plan. My plans also include getting to experience hiking and camping in Colorado since I really haven't been able to do that for the last 3.5 years with graduate school. And I'm going to be intentional about spending some quality time with important people that I may not get to see very often when I move back to the Midwest. This summer is going to be all about intentionality and purpose. Hopefully, I can say that about my entire life from here forward.
Love,
Amy Christine

caffeine

No wonder I had a stroke. I hadn't had caffeine in almost 8 months, and yesterday after talking on the phone with my neurologist about why she had me give it up, we decided to "challenge" it by taking 2 Excedrin (they have caffeine in the tablets, in the two capsules it was 130mg), and I took it about 4:30 in the afternoon. My intake before the stroke was at least 2 or 3 cups of coffee a day, sometimes at most up to almost 1,500 mg of caffeine a day, I figured out once after the stroke. And I wonder now why I had the stroke... Looking back I just shake my head and realize that just because the coffee was "free" because I worked at Starbucks didn't mean I had to drink it all at one time! Oh, If only Post-Stroke Amy could have a talk with Pre-Stroke Amy (Jolene and I are calling her PSA, for pre-stroke). My resting heart-rate last night was 108 (yes, that's Tachycardia. Again, should have gone to Medical school). I couldn't fall asleep without the help of THREE sleeping pills, and am now DRAGGING today, wondering how I ever did this. Oh, I just would have another cup of coffee when this feeling came up, that's right... WHY!? Can you see me beating myself up over this? All that to say I am going to finish reading for my New Testament class tonight and watch some of the Office with Michael's last appearance and probably hit the hay because last night wasn't any fun!