Christmas time!

I already posted about my visit to Indianapolis and how I'm heavily leaning to moving there after graduation in May and one more fabulous summer in Colorado to enjoy the sunshine and not having a serious job or being in school. Just that thought makes me so freaking excited. A lot to get through these next few months first, but I think I deserve some time off after everything that went down 22 months ago and all that had to change in my life because of it.

My trip to MI with my family was wonderful and enlightening. As always, my family went overboard with presents that was too much. Our time together of playing games and cards was important and I continue to yearn for that as I am away in Denver studying once again. There is so much on my plate of things to do in the next few months. I have to complete my internship, and much to my surprise, my hours have come much easier than I thought they might. I have to take my comps, which is my comprehensive exam of everything I have learned over the last 3.5 years. Minor interruption in the hospital last year, and as I have picked up the study guide, I’ve looked at some of the material from classes from my first semester in the program. Yeah, stuff from development and theories from Spring 2008... Wow. Please come back to me.

So now I'm back in Denver, my last night of my 20's, and I have a ton of unpacking and reorganizing to do for the next few weeks. This has always been a very reflective time of year for me. What great things happened in the last year? What not so good things happened? What do I want to have continue, and what needs to be cut out? Things have been especially reflective for the past two years with my near-death experience, and I don't think I will ever be the same. The 25th will never be a normal day for me, although the last two months it has come and gone without me having to dwell or think about "It's been ___ since the stroke". I saw friends from high school when I was back in MI, but I didn't know who knew and who didn't know about the stroke, so I didn't bring it up either. It actually didn't come up very much, which was kind-of a relief. Since I don't look any different, there is nothing to "tip" anyone off that things are any different with me, and I wouldn't know how to talk about it if they did bring it up, so I just remained silent about it. I think for sooo long I've just been deceived by the lie that it has to be the first thing that people notice about me and it makes me "defective" (Which I'm accepting is in fact a lie) that it's nice to hear that it's NOT the first thing that other people notice about me or how they view me. My massage therapist Shellie (who Ive been going to for 7 months) mentioned right before I left "Is that your scar?" when massaging my neck. I told her it was, but was surprised that it was the first time that she had felt it. Once again, I've thought she had for all this time, but that's part of believing the lie. The stroke has radically altered my life and where I was headed, for the better. I like things better now. Life comes with a LOT more challenges living with a TBI, but my recovery story is atypical and I'm very thankful for the life I have now and where I think I might be headed instead. I'm incredibly lucky and ever so grateful. I want to live from that gratitude and thankfulness every day since I've been given a second chance. I want others to see that gratitude lived out within me. I have a LOT to be thankful for. So those are my thoughts on the eve of my last night in my 20's. Thanks for continuing to follow along!
Love, Amy Christine

Going to Indianapolis

I couldn't WAIT to write this blog post. Anticipation kept building within me as I was driving back to MI today. I'm just so freaking excited! I drove down to Indianapolis for a few days because I was so close (it's just under a 4 hour drive from my parents house in Lansing) and since I had a burden for the city, I figured I would check it out. I lived there after my undergraduate years at Indiana Wesleyan University, from 2003-2005 on the northern part of the city. I lived with Tara, and when I saw her today, we reminisced about how sweet and naive that time in life was. We spent that time dreaming, praying, and seeking God's face as to what the journeys that lay ahead for both of us. It was there that I got the call to go to Africa with Mercy Ships, and she got the call to move to Colorado and be a part of a church plant (both from the church we were going to at the time) which I later joined up with about 8 months later.

Driving down there on Monday, so many thoughts and emotions circled my head. What was it going to be like? What had changed in the 5 years I had gone? Would I remember anything? The anticipation kept on building, and I felt gidy, like I was a little kid coming HOME. Driving around town was so exhilarating, because I REMEMBERED where things should be?! For someone who usually can't remember what they ate for breakfast that day to remember where grocery stores should be from when they lived there 5 YEARS ago was fantastic and so confirming! I have NO IDEA what lies ahead for me there, but I have a place to start looking for jobs come graduation. That's a start?! I told a friend last night over coffee that I'm not naive enough to think that people and the place hasn't changed at all in 5 years--I know it has, and preparing myself for some of the ways that it will be different in advance will hopefully set me up for some of the unexpected changes when it comes time to start over there. Even finding a new church- my old church is still there, but it has changed a lot in the past few years just like I have, so I'm prepared to go church shopping again. He affirmed my thinking ahead in this process :) I've already promised myself that I will enjoy a few months off from both work and school to enjoy one last beautiful Colorado summer before I move back to Indianapolis and look for work. Work will be my life for the next 30 years, so I need to enjoy this rare time in life with no responsibilities. For now, I can just dream and think of the things that I still want to do in Colorado while I live there, and think about where in Indianapolis I want to live and what I want to be a part of this new chapter in my life. Not a naive dreaming, but a prayerful, purposeful approach to this next step that is still very much unknown. But I have a place to start looking. Thanks to Erik, Rachel, Cam, Mila, Amanda, Matt, Danny, T-Rock, the Lott's, and my Colorado family for being excited with me and dreaming about this next chapter with me. So that's my pre-Christmas update for everyone about my thoughts on this next chapter! :)

Amy

The Parable of the Ten Virgins

I met with Jolene yesterday, and as always, she kicked my butt. I just appreciate her insights. She mentioned how my new learning of boundaries is somewhat like the Parable of the Ten Virgins from Matthew 25. I think the old Amy would have said in response "Sure, you can have some of my oil, or in fact, just have my lamp and go see the bridegroom" but as I'm learning new boundaries, I'm learning how to say no to things that are not healthy to me and what to say yes to. Pretty much, I'm learning how to have a spine. I have learned that other people need to be prepared and take the consequences of their actions (or in-actions) and that I'm not responsible for their consequences. I'm learning that it's ok for me to say no to them and let them learn, that I want to see the bridegroom and that it's ok for me to go see the bridegroom because I planned ahead. The insight was amazing for me last night. I needed that. Not just someone to realize how hard I've been working on boundaries, but a Biblical example of someone beginning to assert themselves and take care of themselves, and it be ok and honored by God. I've been reflecting on that parable and thinking about it since she said it yesterday, and it makes a lot of sense. The New Amy is one of the one's who was prepared, and now would tell the other five the same answer that we see in the text. That's not harsh, but realistic and actually show more love because others need to learn how to be accountable to their actions.

I'm feeling more and more like the Old Amy, which is AWESOME! My memory is starting to return (though there are some memories that I wish would have stayed forgotten), reading is taking me less amounts of time (but still way too long for someone in graduate school!), and I am beginning to learn how to take care of me in the midst of this chaos that we call life, boundaries, self-care, using my skills of the past from waiting tables to aid me in serving at the DH, living off a very meager budget and becoming creative with ways of making things... each new day is a day for me to come across things where I can realize where I have come from and what more opportunities lie ahead of me. I like this new Amy better. It's taken me a lot of time and effort to accept that this is just the way things are right now. For 6 more months of grad school, things are this way and not liking it isn't going to change anything. After I graduate, I have no idea what I'll be doing, but a trip to Indianapolis next week might bring me some clarity. Right now, I'm just open. Pray for me next week when I go look at Indianapolis, that I'll just have clarity to see things and possibilities if they are there. I just want to remain open. Thanks for continuing to follow along 21 months later. This journey of recovery is harder than I ever thought possible. But you've helped me by your support, encouragement, and just staying with me throughout it all. Thank you.
Love, Amy Christine

Judgmental

I went to church tonight with my roommate Meg, and the message was exactly what I needed to hear. The Pastor, Jay, preached from Luke 7:36-48. I realized during this message that I have been like the woman sooo much in my life- forgiven much for my past, my mistakes, all of it- it's washed away and He has made me new. Cognitively, I know that. In my heart, I have become like Simon, and cunningly judgmental and I hate it. How can someone who has been forgiven so much turn right around and cast judgment upon others? If I'm going into a helping field for a career, how can I without an agenda listen to others and what they are going through without sizing them up? I realized how much more of Jesus I need in my life. I need Him to remove that entirely from my life, and to be my ears and eyes as I listen to others. I wish in my brain surgeries, they had removed that filter of sizing other people up. Apparently, it's something I need to surrender to the Lord. My fears, my insecurities, my future, my momentary lapses of sizing other people up or expecting them to act ___ way... it's a useless game and I'm ashamed to say it's come back to me. I hate it about myself and my behavior. Of all the things that have been ripped away from me in the past two years and the things that I have gained back, this is an area that I wish never came back. It serves no purpose, and is useless. Tonight's message came with conviction. I don't want to do this with my thoughts anymore. To anyone. I know how much I've hated it when others have expected me to act in ____ way because I was ___, so it has to be irritating to be on the other end of that judgment too. If I've hurt any of you with that behavior, I'm sorry. That's not who I really am, and I sincerely apologize. Let me know if I have hurt you, and I promise, I really am trying to get better. I don't really know how to change, but I know the way that I have been acting and treating others in my life is not what I want to be know for, so I'm sorry. I know changing will involve laying things down and submission, but beyond that, It's going to take a miracle. And those are my raw and vulnerable thoughts for tonight.
Love, Amy Christine

Indianapolis

I should be writing a paper for my class on Wednesday right now, but instead, I'm blogging. This has become quite routine for me lately. Something important to do for class= put it off and procrastinate by doing something that COULD wait and do that instead. So I'm blogging and journaling and crying to get it all out and process it all tonight. I started to write something else here instead, but decided to just journal about that. Here, I'll talk about something else that is tearing me up lately.

Indianapolis has been on my heart for about a year and a half and there just feels like something is unfinished there (I lived there after my undergraduate experience for 1.5 years). It's closer to my family, and if I was going to move and resettle after Seminary come May, it would make a lot of sense. Closer drive to my family (unlike the 18+ hours now), not fighting with 100-200+ people for a job in the mental health field job, a new start, old acquaintances, a city that (used) to be familiar, and a nagging feeling in my stomach that there is something to still attend to there. BUT, as I've started to get pieces of my independence back, there has been something beautiful that has awakened in me. Maybe it has been living in community. Possibly learning self-care for myself personally and professionally. Maybe my internship. Possibly getting pieces of my independence back. Something has risen up within me in the last few months especially that I am not ready to let go of, and honestly, I'm afraid if I leave Denver in May, it will somehow nullify all of the growth that has occurred in me since moving out here 5 years ago.

Who could have known what would come my way when I made that decision? My heart broken, several times for several reasons. Starting graduate school, and all of the hours I have lost to studying and being a hermit for school. A unexplained and unexpected stroke that made me fight for all of my independence back and has left devastating effects after to still daily deal with, even if they can't outwardly be seen by others or explained. Continual migraines. I thought they might get better with the altitude but they haven't. More medical mysteries. I still am a medical anomaly and so beyond tired of not getting any answers or explanations beyond "We just don't know". Really, because you went to Medical School for about a decade, so one of us should have answers. Just saying... Oops, looks like my frustrations are coming out again. So I'm torn. Think of me December 20-22, that's when I'll be visiting Indianapolis, figuring out what might be next. I need guidance. I know a lot of people will have their advice or what I should do, but there's really only One person's opinion that really matters in all of this. And those are my thoughts right now instead of writing that paper. :)
Love,
Amy Christine

My cross to bear

I was joking around with Sheri on Text messages yesterday about having a migraine (we rotate having them daily) and about how I want a new cross to bear. This just isn't fair. Some days it might be terrible, and others just be awful, but either way, the pain is always there. I can't even imagine a life without the pain anymore. So I was joking and saying that I wanted to have a new cross. Sheri made the great point (as always) that maybe I don't want to trade this in. For as inconvenient as the pain is for me and the ways it disrupts my life at the most in-opportune times, I know what to expect with them. I have learned how to deal with it. If it's a medium grade migraine, I can usually just take my abortive pills and a nap, and then be OK within a few hours. As not so fun as going to the hospital is, I've gone 4 times this past year. Partly because they still don't know why I had the stroke and partly because I just need some sort of relief, I need an IV to stop the pain. The migraines that don't follow any sort of pattern freak me out because that's why I went to the hospital last year in February. As much as I want something different to have to deal with and as miserable as the migraines are when they come on, they are at least manageable in what I have to do to deal with them. So once again Sheri wins for best advice and making me see that maybe this trial isn't as bad as I think they could be when I get a migraine (typing this with the pain this morning). I'll see her tonight for Thanksgiving at her house to share a meal of gratefulness with her family and part of my adopted Colorado family. For as many trials as I have thrown my way, it sure is laced with things to be grateful for along the way. Thank you for both Lord.
Love,
Amy Christine

Statistics

I had my 4th emotional breakdown in 4 weeks over statistics today. I feel like an emotional basket case. Before my stroke, I wasn't any good with computations. Since the stroke, it's literally like they just removed that part of my brain. SO FRUSTRATING to be doing the exact right formula but still not get the right answer because of my chubby fingers and the calculator, or my brain for not understanding what the heck is going on. Z scores, correlation coefficients, your mom scores... I'm being tutored in this class by a wonderful friend Rosie who actually understands the material (and without her, I don't even want to think of where I would be right now), but I sit there with her and just cry when my math doesn't come out right. So humbling! My brain and what I am able to remember or not remember since the stroke continues to get me teary-eyed because I remember how well I used to remember things. Now if it's not written down, I won't remember it. Period. That's probably one of the biggest struggles that I've had post-stroke is trying to survive in a world that revolves around the memory, and to have those deficits. To try and explain it to other people who still have their memory is useless, so I've stopped trying. When I broke down today with my instructor for the class, he was super empathetic and understanding. It was still humbling to be with my professor and explain to him that I don't grasp the concepts now (and I don't know that I would have pre-stroke either!). 4 more weeks of this class left, one of our thanksgiving break, 2 for the actual class, and then our final exam. This isn't a pitty post of "look at how hard I have to work now", but rather just a venting of my life and it's struggles now. This is my normal. Everything is a struggle, and nothing is something that I take for granted anymore because I've had to work so hard at gaining back. And that's my random thoughts for tonight!
Love,
Amy Christine

Loving my internship!

I had another wonderful day at my internship downtown at Alternatives Pregnancy Center. I know all days won't be as wonderful as today by any means, but they sure are great every now and again. I had only a couple of clients today, and my last one moved me to tears. Without divulging too much for confidentiality reasons, she was a high risk pregnancy. Her tears during the ultrasound didn't come from fear but rather from praise that their even was a heartbeat. She says that she's not religious, but "spiritual", but continues to come across people who are just loving her and telling her that they are praying for her, and she's beginning to see something divine throughout this pregnancy. I'm still in awe. I know that I have picked the right field when I just get energized to come and go from this internship. I am in the midst of something amazing, and I am very grateful to be walking alongside of these women throughout their crises. Thank you God for using my pain and suffering to be a blessing unto other women. That's all I have wanted out of the last two years. Thank you for the redemption in my life and that I am able to see it in others too.

Heal the wound but leave the scar

We're going to use a song next week for our group, and I've already listened to it about 100 times tonight alone. I usually don't like Christian music anymore, mostly because I've been able to connect with other forms of music that I feel as though God uses to minister to my spirit, and they are usually pretty cheesy. That said, when my supervisor told me who sang this song, I cringed and wrote it off. But it actually turned out to be awesome. I just continue to be amazed at how coinciding the post-abortion experiences of grief and my own story go together. This song is SO APPLICABLE to my own story of grief.

Point of Grace-- Heal the Wound
I used to wish that I could rewrite history
I used to dream that each mistake could be erased
Then I could just pretend
I never knew the me back then

I used to pray that You would take this shame away
Hide all the evidence of who I've been
But it's the memory of
The place You brought me from
That keeps me on my knees
And even though I'm free

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I have not lived a life that boasts of anything
I don't take pride in what I bring
But I'll build an altar with
The rubble that You've found me in
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
And every stone will sing
Of what You can redeem

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

Don't let me forget
Everything You've done for me
Don't let me forget
The beauty in the suffering

Heal the wound but leave the scar
A reminder of how merciful You are
I am broken, torn apart
Take the pieces of this heart
And heal the wound but leave the scar

I used to hate my scars. They represent so much pain, they are ugly, so much shame, and represent horrible memories in my past. I've hidden them, not wanting anyone to notice them. Connecting with my scars again and being proud of them and who they represent now seems like a distant dream, and yet, somehow attainable. It won't be easy, but that has been the last 20+ months. I have a picture framed in my room of when I was in a coma in the ICU with all the tubes and life support. A friend questioned the morbidity of it, but it is actually a reminder to me of His merciful provision in my life specifically. Thank you for sticking with me Lord and not giving up on me, through all of the ups and downs we have had together. Leave the scars after all. Make me proud of them somehow.
Love,
Amy Christine

Stand Beside Me

For the second night in a row, I'm writing a blog posted instead of attending to my paper which is due on Wednesday. I've always been a procrastinator, but this paper is just not coming together for me. Eh well. I was cleaning today and listening to country music, which has always spoken to my soul. I love it. Anywhoo, the song "Stand Beside Me" by Jo Dee Messina came on, and tonight it really rang true within me. My roommate and I were talking earlier about still being single in our late twenties (my birthday will be right after Christmas and I won't be able to say that anymore, so I am for as long as I can!) Here are the Lyrics:

He left me cryin' late one Sunday night outside of Boulder
He said he had to find himself out on the road
I guess when love goes wrong
You've gotta learn to be strong

So I worked two jobs
And I moved three times
I ended up south of Memphis, workin' down in Riverside
I may not be so lucky in love
But the one thing I'm sure of

I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart
Stand beside me
Be true, don't tell lies to me
I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man that who stands beside me

I didn't expect to see him, one hot July morning
His hair was longer but his eyes were the same old blue
He said, "I've missed you for so long. Oh baby, what can I do?"
I said, "I want a man that stands beside me
Not in front of or behind me
Give me two arms that want to hold me, not own me
And I'll give all the love in my heart."

It's hard to
Tell him, "No" when I want him so bad
But I've got to be true to my heart
This time

I'm not lookin' for a fantasy
I want a man who stands beside me
I want a man
Who stands beside me

Stand beside me........
Stand beside me........

I just want a man to stand beside me. Not in front of or behind me, like some of my Ex's have done, and obviously, it didn't work out. I've had my heart ripped out and trampled on, and I don't want to live from that fear or hesitations anymore. I don't have huge expectations for him, but I want him to journey with me through life. The ups and downs. Do it together. Being single has allowed me to do some pretty awesome things, like travel to Africa and Japan, plant a church in Boulder because I felt like it was the next thing for me to do, and go to graduate school. If I had had someone by my side, I may not have been able to do those things. And I'm thankful that I have had the chance to do them all. Seeing how hard having a stroke and recovering has been on a good friend of mine and her family has made me appreciate that he hasn't been here yet. Yet, I think I'm becoming more ready. And that scares me. I have plenty of beautiful friends who have gotten married later in life and their spouses are spectacular. That gives me hope. I don't know where he is, but I'm getting the feeling it will be quick and I will be caught off guard. There are a lot of things that have caught me off guard in the last two years. And I'm becoming more ok with that ambiguity and life lived between the lines. So wherever he is, I want you to stand beside me. I'll keep praying for you in the meantime.
Love,
Amy Christine

Gratitude

We've been doing a series at the Downing House on Gratitude, and though I'm being tutored for Statistics when it goes on, it has made me reflective of the things that I am grateful for. Last year's events have changed me and my outlook, so I don't think I could not be so now. Here are some of the things that I am grateful for in life right now:

-My Downing House Community. I love living in community. I can be social when I want, and then come home and shut my door and write a paper (like I should be doing now...) It really is a great balance for me in this season of life. Each of their personalities, passions, and encouragement mean so much to me. They have helped me heal more than they will ever know or words could even describe.

-My internship. I love being there with the women in crisis. Granted, it's not a glamorous job, but to see these women wrestle with really hard decisions is beautiful. I feel honored and blessed to walk alongside of them during this time. I am learning so much- professionally and personally.

-Being almost done with school. 4 years ago, I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into. I just knew Denver Seminary had a good reputation. Apparently, there was something more for me to learn in the midst of it all. Even my "elective" classes that I have taken "just for me to learn and grow" have been used already to aid my friends who are hurting and healing in this time. But to be looking at the finish line finally in May... wow. I've worked really, really hard at this.

-Independence. I have my independence back. People who knew me before the stroke knew that I was very independent, almost to my on detriment. Part of the stroke broke that within me and MADE ME depend on others, and I learned that I need others to do things. Having my license fully back without restrictions has given me my freedom back, but I can do things in a balanced way now. I can go to the store when I want and not have to depend on someone else to get me there. That's beautiful. But I've realized the importance of being in a community and letting others help you out, even when it's hard for me to accept it or I'd rather do it on my own.

-Not working right now. Although my SSDI checks are barely enough to survive on, I am thankful that I don't have to work right now and can just focus on finishing school. It's a blessing to be living in poverty, because I can really focus on what is important to me right now- finishing school. Never thought I would be able to say that, but I can and I am.

-Support, even if it's very spread out around the country and comes at random times. People and relationships have always meant a lot to me, but even more so since last February.

-Random blessings. I sometimes get to babysit for the Athertons, and I joke with Brianna and Aaron that their son Chase is my boyfriend since he's precious and is one of the many reasons that I am still here. He will never know what his birth has allowed. If it wasn't for the kindness of relationships with key people from the stroke, I wouldn't be the person that I am today without them.

-Cleaning and Baking. I had no idea how therapeutic these two tasks were to me, but they have become incredibly forces for me in the last two years. They are times that I can think, be creative, cry, provide for others, and heal. Who knew. They have helped me to be able to process so many things by myself, and I am incredibly grateful for the provision of time to process and think in the midst of everything right now.

-Groups to process things in. One of the many beautiful things within my program at Seminary is the ability to "process" things within various groups, and sometimes I almost feel "over-processed". I have a group supervision- which is my peers who are doing internship as well that we can talk about the things that our clients have brought up in us as therapists. My Training and Mentoring group is a few other students that come together to talk about our learning contracts and what we are learning from them. Those women are beautiful. Every Thursday our community gets together for breakfast, and every other Sunday for dinner. We just share what is going on in our lives with each other and get to lift each other up. Every Tuesday night, I lead a Post-Abortion group for a few women for my internship. They are also very beautiful, and it's wonderful to watch them deal with the grief and loss that has come from their decisions. Our grief stories coincide in so many ways, and I am very thankful that I have a group that is as hard-working as they are for my first group as a therapist. There are probably other groups that I get to talk about certain things with, but those are the main ones that come to mind.

-Starbucks. I may not have worked there for almost 11 months now, and there are several new faces every time I drop by, but they still treat me like family. I love that and need that right now.

-The Pearl Church. This church will be 1 year old tomorrow, and I get to be there to celebrate it with them. Through the encouragement of a good friend, Maura, I have found a community that I can heal with and be transparent. They have no idea what a place to know others and be known is like for me right now. I am able to connect with the Lord again, and that is so healing.

So I'm grateful and thankful. For a lot. God has given me a lot of goodness to celebrate with others in. And I want that to come forward in the way that I present myself to others, the ways that I counsel, how I act at school with almost being done, and just who I am as a Christian. I have a lot to be thankful for. And those are my random thoughts for tonight. Thanks for reading along. And I'm thankful for each of you who takes time to read about my journey as well. Thank you for letting me put my thoughts out here and reading along!:)

Love,
Amy Christine

Starting to get my memory back!

Usually, I can't remember what I did yesterday or had for breakfast in the morning. I'm sure the questions get old with the people I was with all day of "what did we do today?" I've HATED not having my memory. Thankfully, I have wonderful friends and family that can remind me "Remember, we were at the mall" or whatever, and usually, the memories come back to me. They have all been so gracious and loving to me throughout this time of not being able to remember even simple things. Last Sunday after a lovely service at church, I couldn't remember where I had parked my car. I had driven around for a spot at the hotel for about 20 minutes (very rare) but couldn't remember how I had actually gotten into the church that morning. One of my lovely friends took me in her car and drove me around until we found my car so I could go over to her place for lunch. Again, lovely and wonderful friends to love me through this. Although I have been warned by the doctors about my memory being very sporadic and possibly never coming back, a few things in the past month have left me SPEECHLESS. A few weeks ago, I remembered a guys name who was only a friend of a friend on Friday mornings at the DH from the Friday that I met him until the next week. I hadn't seen him since the previous Friday when we met, but he walked into the house and I said "Hi Paul". As his name came out of my mouth I almost started to cry. That may not seem like a big milestone to anyone else, but the event was HUGE for me. I remembered a guy's name! Thinking back to the event now, I still tear up. My memory is coming back!

One of the biggest blessings of the stroke in retrospect has actually been my loss of memory when it comes to clients. Not being able to remember the details of their horrific stories has become a blessing to me because I don't feel like I am taking them home with me. What (was) looked at as a curse before has become a blessing. A couple of weeks ago, I was remembering the details of a clients story well on to later that evening and the next day. She only had flip flops for footwear. That might not seem like such a big deal, but as a woman living in a city that is about to get very cold and who has lots of shoes, it was disturbing to me to still be thinking about it much later. As I reflect back, why is this one client sticking with me above and beyond the rest? What am I supposed to do for her that we haven't already done? The only answer I've come up with thus far is to pray. I can't do anything other than intercede for her, knowing that God has to do something for her instead. That's incredibly humbling. It's not my job to fix it. Although there is a human element to her story that I just want to do something, it's not my role as her counselor to "fix" anything. That's just another place where I have to swallow my pride, knowing that God wants to meet her needs some other way. Apparently, my role in her life now is just as an intercessor. But the fact that I can remember parts of her story still now makes me rejoice that I'm getting my memory back. What has been seen as a curse and ill-effect of the stroke has become a blessing that it is returning. Now that my memory is returning, I have to find a way of adjusting remembering the clients and their stories to a way of remembering them, but not taking them home with me and letting it effect me later. This is going to be very hard work, and maybe much harder than not remembering. So stay tuned for updates on that as well in coming weeks!
Love,
Amy Christine

The Velveteen Rabbit

Jolene (my personal counselor) has made lot's of great suggestions to me over our time together. Her latest homework was to go back and read the Velveteen Rabbit (yes, the same story that was read to you when you were 3). So I went to the Library this week and read it again, and was moved to tears. I love one of the lines by the Skin Horse "Real isn't how you are made... When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real" and later "But once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for ALWAYS". Who knew this story could move me to tears? Apparently Jolene and I think she was listening carefully to someone else at the time. I needed that story. It is my own story of recognition of the new things I have gained since the stroke, including an acceptance of myself, flaws and all. I think that's one of the best gifts of all.

Along with my second chance at life, I get to discover what really gives me life and how to really take care of ME. That self-discovery process is SO HARD. I'm realizing that who I was before the stroke was pretty flawed, as much as I thought I has things "put together". That acceptance and plan of learning is so difficult, to accept even who I was and who I'm becoming as an "in process" sort of deal. If I could sum up all of the hurdles that I've had to face head-on in the last 20 months- really, they're aren't words to describe this adventure. It has been incredibly difficult, and I've had to do much of the work by myself--something that before the stroke I hated, but I am learning to appreciate the woman I am and am becoming like that Velveteen Rabbit. My "hairs" and "fur" get shabby and worn, but I'm realizing that it is what makes me ME. And that's pretty cool! Self-Acceptance can hurt, and the stings can come from out of nowhere along the way. But I wouldn't trade the process of becoming "Real" for anything. I'm becoming more and more thankful for the stroke, for all that it has taken from me, and the things that I have gotten in return that were very hidden blessings that I wouldn't have "chosen". That acceptance has been huge. Being able to accept the crap that comes along with each and every new day hurts and it sucks. No one really gets it, and it's hard to articulate. That's isolating and an alone feeling, but it also has weird trade-offs. So as I come to terms with self-acceptance in my life for who I am today, I am realizing I am a lot like the rabbit after all. There might be a lot of things that are hidden blessings. I guess the stroke was my magic. As I look back at the painful pictures from last year, I am reminded that I will never be that person again. The grief and loss that comes with that idea is incredibly painful and I lack the words to really fully describe it to others. And yet, I'm still here and still surpassing all of the things that I was told I would never get to do. With each new little milestone, I celebrate being here and having another chance to relish this things called life and all that comes with it. I've been given a new chance at breathing and living. I have been made real, and though that is a process within me, I wouldn't have it any other way. There is truly a freedom that comes with living with a TBI and being given a second chance again. I am grateful for all that the stroke has given me. I used to think of it as a curse, but now, it has become a blessing to me after all. Something I wouldn't have chosen but has been redeemed. Though there are daily trials and testing of my patience, emotions, and intellect--I'm still here, trucking away. And that process of self-acceptance with my flaws and learning about how I am now makes all of the difference. If people don't like me know, that's their problem and I'm not responsible for how they feel. God has just asked me to follow Him and to extend His love to others, and along the way, I will fall, get hurt, get shabby, and make plenty of mistakes. That's what living life is about though- redemption of the painful things for beauty in situations. I'm learning to love me through this process, and I think that's the hardest lesson of love because I had some pretty warped thinking before. As I learn to undo some of that "learning" that I've held so tightly and begin to analyze it for what it is and let go, there is freedom and beauty that is allowed to come forward too. And that's what being Real is all about. I'm thankful for that little story, because the bunny rabbit and I have a lot more in common than I used to think.
Love,
Amy Christine

Post-Graduation plans are still up in the air, and I'm becoming more and more OK with that. It was a saying of mine pre-stroke, "It is what it is" seems to capture most of my feelings towards many things lately. I went to the graduation ceremony for my friends in May and I hate to be the center of attention, even if I've done something that others think is praise worthy. I already know that my wedding day is going to be hard because of that aisle- I think I'll just elope if that ever happens? So I had resolved after going to that graduation ceremony that I wasn't going to walk at graduation when it happens in May. The more I've thought about it and how HARD graduate school has been for me, especially since the doctors said I would never go back after my stroke, I'm thinking that it might actually be a good celebration for me. A "I told you I would be able to do this" moment. I'll send the pictures to all the doctors who said it could never be done. They didn't know how determined and stubborn I was. Graduate school wasn't just "Hey, I'm bored, let's do this school thing"- it has become my LIFE over the past 4 years. So as much as I will hate being in the lime light, I know it's not all about me, but I'm beginning to think that celebrating in that way might be ok for that day. So I'm more open to it now. I think that goes with my acceptance theme that has entered my life in the past few months. So come May I might be doing that graduation gown thing, or at least I'm more open to the idea now. We'll see come May!
Love,
Amy Christine

Relearning compassion

I have a friend at Seminary who is also going though some difficult times with her own health. As she explained her trials to me this afternoon, I couldn't help but think of where I've been with all of the testing, medicines, new doctors, poking and prodding, and how much I have had to depend upon the faithfulness of others when that is definitely NOT one of my strengths, especially pre-stroke. I think part of the reason that might have happened to me last year was so that I could learn to depend on others and ask for help gracefully because I didn't have any other choice. Very simple and common place things that we take for granted every day- talking, walking, eating, rides to places, doctors visits and money... the list goes on and on and on. Case in point- I wouldn't be here today without the strength and support of others. Asking for help is incredibly hard for both of us, but I've seen others respond to my own needs, and I felt as though God was asking me to be generous in return. This isn't by any means a "Oh, look how generous I was" kind of post, but simply an encouragement to her of "Yes, I get it that things suck. But working together, maybe we can find a way to provide for you while your circumstances suck right now. That's called the body of Christ". Praying for you honey, and for God to be real to you in this time of uncertainty, testing, waiting, and the unknowns. He will continue to be faithful. I've seen that for my own life, so I'm going to believe it for you too right now while you don't have the strength to believe it for yourself.

At a place of "In Process"

I never want this blog to become a place where I just vomit what's going on for me. I usually journal my thoughts first or talk to a good girl friend. Tonight, this is just where I am, exhausted. So excuse the unfilteredness ahead of time.

I just continue to be shocked at what the Lord seems to be doing in my life and around me. I realize that many of you may not be believers, and that's totally fine, but what God has done in me and through me in the past 19+ months just continues to astound me. It's not something I can just "separate" or "distinguish" in my life. I'm sorry if that offends anyone that reads this, for that's not at ALL how I want my life or the things that are going around me to come across. Today was a CRAZY day at my internship, and there were several moments where I was just hoping a camera was going to be around the corner or something capturing those moments. I'm supposed to leave at 4, and started my notes from ALL of my clients at 3:45... yeah, didn't leave until 6:30. One of my clients that should have been "easy" (she just needed proof of her pregnancy) ended up having labor pains in our lobby at the end of the day. Needless to say, overwhelmed! We called her a cab to take her to the hospital asap! I'm in awe that I get the opportunity to walk with these amazing women. I realize a lot of my peers wouldn't like this internship or style of counseling that we practice, but I'm flourishing in this setting for so many reasons. Personally and professionally, it's kicking my butt. In a good way.

I'm starting to see some of the healthy balance coming out in my decisions. Granted, this Training and Mentoring class at my school on Self-Care (yes, I chose what I wanted to study this semester for this course), hasn't been easy for me by any means. I've lost or distanced some friendships because of my choices or decisions. Having been a "Yes" to anything and everything to almost everyone else person is sure creating waves when I am beginning to find my true voice in matters again and saying NO. Finding what really matters to me. What energizes me and what depletes me. And as I've taken time for myself, I have so much more quality time for others. I feel like my words matter when I speak them now. I can actually hear from the Lord about my clients and people in my life once again. I thought taking care of myself would somehow turn inward and make me all-kinds of "Me" focused or self-centered (which has never, ever been something I've wanted to do and probably some of the reason I've put it off for so long in reality). Turns out by really taking the time to listen to me and my needs, I actually have something of value to offer to others, while being able to breathe again personally. Yes, my life is chaotic right now and I'm beginning to healthily draw up some manageable boundaries for myself and what I need in return. Everything in my life right now can be defined by it "in process". School. Internship. Thinking about post-May. My reclamation of my own femininity. Being a healthy graduate student (gosh- that one is ever morphing and changing!). Being a servant to others. Discovering what makes my heart beat again. It's all "in process", and that's okay.
Love,
Amy Christine

Acceptance and contemplation

This season is making me really thankful, and as I was writing in my journal last night, it hit me- just how much of my attitude has even changed over the last couple of months. I think the biggest thing that hit me was when I meditated on 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 a few weeks ago. I've had to realize that to be honest, I've believed the lie that if you have faith, then you shouldn't have to go through crap. One of the biggest tendencies with this lie is to think that you're somehow exempt from trials. That couldn't be further from the truth. It still bring tears to my eyes to realize that I'm not exempt but that He is there with me in the midst of the pain. The last 19+ months have been the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. Never could I have imagined how God would orchestrate the events of what has gone down. On the outside, I "look" normal (whatever normal even is anyway), but cognitively, I'm different now. In all honesty, I don't think I would trade what I have now for what I did have before February 2009. That's a HUGE step for me to even admit. I'm able to sort through my priorities and set up proper boundaries to take care of ME and this "New Lifestyle" that just takes so much energy! Living everyday now with a TBI and some memory and coordination issues still lingering is beyond frustrating. The doubts and lies hit me every day of what I USED to be able to do but can do no longer. For a long time, my attitude has been "why me?" or "woe is me". Really, it was as if God had to do something SO DRAMATIC in my life without a medical explanation to make me realize it happened because of _____. I think that would make me rely on people or medicine instead of the Lord. Apparently, that wasn't his purpose, and I probably won't get a medical answer now since it has been so long and they aren't too worried about me having another one. That acceptance that things aren't going to change, things are the way they are during this last part of graduate school, and then who knows after May is giving me the hope to continue and press on right now. Just glad I'm getting to a healthier place with the One who does know what is going to happen in May after I graduate from school and having to TRUST the process.

I've been contemplating a lot lately. I'm just beyond thankful for some of the awesome things that God has given me in strange packages to bless me. I'm leading a post-abortion group on Tuesday nights- and although I haven't had one, I can completely relate with the expressions of the women express in our times together because the grief from our incidents are so similar. I already wrote about it, but my not being able to remember my clients stories has become a blessing to not take them home with me when I'm done at the end of the day. The community that I'm living with is beyond amazing. I can have community time when I need it, but can also retreat into my single room to read or write a paper. They have just been so accepting of me, my limitations, and what I want to do with school and ministry eventually. Their grace extended to me just blesses me so much, and has helped me to turn my attitude around in the last few weeks without their even knowing it. I started going to a new church earlier this summer, and a friend of mine and I both have had similar feelings: this is going to be a place where we can HEAL. For a long time, we've just felt as though we've had our fists raised in the air at God. Slowly, but surely, this has felt like a place that accepts us as we are and wants to help us grow to be more than we are now, without even knowing the stories of our pasts. That gives me hope for the future. I clean for the family that I lived with when I did have the stroke. It seems weird, but it's a tangible few hours where I can just be by myself, listen to music, cry (I love that I can clean by myself and have that freedom!)-- I can earn some extra money and have some time to process all of what is going on around me in life right now. My internship, my classes, my new church, cleaning for Brianna and Aaron, this DH community, accepting the circumstances around me for what they are and that is just the way things are right now: constant daily head pain without much relief or hope that things are going to get any better, very tight financially, having to Trust Him with everything, friends that are in difficult places far away... Things are hard right now, but coming to a place accept it for what it is and there will be a purpose eventually, that's giving me hope. Sorting out who this post-stroke Amy is, what she needs to be healthy in all areas of life- physically, mentally, spiritually, socially--all of it. I've truly been given a second chance and I'm promising to remain open to whatever lessons I still need to learn along the way. Thanks for sticking with me and reading through my sorting through everything that has happened over the past 19+ months. Your sticking by me in this journey still means so much--more than I could ever let you know with words. Thank you for the grace to figure out what this season is and means for me.
Love,
Amy Christine

I can't remember

One of the blessings of my stroke came to me while talking with a good friend this weekend about how much I love my internship. Yes, it's incredibly hard to watch these women to put themselves into situations that they end up being forced to make really difficult choices. It's hard to only see them once or twice and then not hear back from them again and you're left to wonder. But one of the blessings (and they are usually small and minor) is to realize that after my stroke, I can't remember a lot of things anymore. Yesterdays breakfast. A client that I saw last week. A paper that I turned in a month ago. What I read in a book this summer. A conversation I had on the phone two days ago--ALL GONE. I write my notes and a prayer request for an intense story, and after I ride the light rail home--usually they are gone. The memory of the woman and her pain is not- I'm not sure that will ever leave me, and just continues to affirm that I am in the right field and doing His work somehow in all of its' intensity and ugliness most days. But the not being able to remember the horribleness and intensity of their stories is a blessing. I think it is one of the great things that makes me good at this particular internship right now in this time. I can empathize, listen, be present-- BUT I DON'T HAVE TO CARRY THEIR PAIN FOR THEM! They made the choices that got them into their predicament, and though I'm not without compassion or longing to walk with them through it, it's freeing to know that I don't have to hold on to the pain for them. In that, I have found freedom, and it's very, very liberating.
Love,
Amy Christine

I want a Chrisitan Cowboy

It's decided. After the Darius Rucker concert this last weekend (and yes, I DID buy those tickets for one of the opening bands- and it was TOTALLY WORTH IT!) it's now official: I want myself a cowboy who loves Jesus. Not a boy who just wears a cowboy hat to "look cool" or line dances because it's in or something, but a real cowboy. Not a cowboy who just goes to church because he has to. Someone who's not afraid to be a man. Someone who is genuine and authentic. A man who's not afraid or intimidated to ask me out, hold my hand, share his emotions (yes, men do in fact have them), and challenge me to keep growing. I think those men are hard to find now a days, and most of them are wonderful and happily married to some of my best friends, and I love them for that- for treating my girlfriends like the princesses that they are! But I can't help but express that I want that for myself someday. I think I'm on the journey to find myself and maybe that someone else as well right now. As I search out what makes me who I am while I finish graduate school, I feel like that is a piece that God is stirring in my heart along the way. It honestly scares me to death, but learning how to Trust God has not been easy by any means, so add this to the ever-growing list of things that make me uncomfortable, but God simply asks me to "trust" along the way. That freaks me out. But that kind of man has been on my heart for years, and seemed to be articulated well at that concert for some reason. So I'm going to keep praying for him. I know there will be flaws in him just as there are with me (and Lord, Love him for accepting me and all my broken-pieces as well!) and he wont "complete me" or be my "savior"... but I just want someone to walk like with. Do the day's routine with, travel alongside, and challenge each other in some way. I had no idea what was going to happen to me a year and a half ago, so I'm sure this vision will be morphed and changed along the way. For right now, I just want a cowboy who has a heart for Him. Right now, that's the only image I have. And I'll let God design the rest.
Love,
Amy Christine

I never would have known.

Those have become my new favorite words. I hear them often from people that I meet that don't know about my last 19 months of misery, and it's incredibly validating. I went to a womens gathering at my church tonight and finally got to connect with our pastor's wife, Donna, and I've just loved her spirit from afar and wanted to connect and talk to her more. Tonight, I had the opportunity to do so. I've learned in the last 19 months how to read a conversation and gently tell parts of my story if/and when the opportunity should present itself. A woman shared part of her testimony tonight- that she gave birth to a beautiful little girl in 2006 but she had a rare disease and died the same day. She said something really profound that I think I'm going to adopt for myself. "I have tragedy in my past, but it does not define who I am". Very, very wise words. After the "gathering time", we got to mingle a little bit, and Donna approached us, and as we were talking, I just felt that I should share this part of my story gently with her. "Amy, I never would have known" was what she shared with me. For my friends who knew me pre-stroke, struggled with me over the last 19 months, and are still standing by my side- THANK YOU. Your presence means SO MUCH to have stuck with me over the long haul. Truly, I am grateful beyond words. But for these new wonderful people who I've been mutually blessed by knowing in the last year and a half, thank you, and thank you for the kind words of "I never would have known" That just means SO MUCH, because in my mind, I'm thinking "but how could you NOT notice _____?" I'm quickly figuring out that those are lies to keep me in bondage and not share the comfort and compassion that I have received from Above. There is going to be a purpose for all of this refining, right?
Love,
Amy Christine

For the shape I'm in

Today makes me somewhat reflective. When I had the stroke, it was two days before my first statistics exam. Even though that was 2-23-09, today was my two day away from that same exam again. Being back in that course makes me think a lot about what happened a year and a half ago. So I walked around thinking about that today. On my way home from school (getting tutored for statistics by the FABULOUS Rosie Smith), a song came on the radio (I listen to country- just love it and how God uses it to speak to me!) and heard the song "The Shape I'm in" by Joe Nichols. He talks about all of the crap that he's going through and how the little things are indeed making a difference for him. A line in the chorus sings: "... it ain't much, but it beats where I've been... I'm doing alright for the shape I'm in". That's my attitude right now. There's a lot of acceptance going on in my heart right now. I'm probably never going to get a medical explanation for my stroke. Everything takes me SO LONG and SO MUCH CONCENTRATION to do, and that requires a lot of energy that I simply don't have anymore. I live by a VERY meager budget, and most days, something goes incredibly wrong in "my plan" and I have to adjust at a moments notice. But that song has kept with me. Circumstances in my life might be less than ideal, and certainly not what I planned for or imagined ever playing out in my life. But I'm doing alright, for the shape I'm in...

I am just loving life right now!

I'm just loving this season right now. My internship is great (so perfect for me in this time and place), school is challenging me in ways that I enjoy learning (minus statistics but I have a great tutor!), and having the time to simply have graduate school be my world- I'm just thankful. (Remind me of that when it will probably all come crashing down again!)

Things are just good right now. Even with all of the crap that keeps getting thrown at me (tonight- I can't log into Moodle to take a quiz I've been studying all afternoon for!), but even in the midst of all that, I'm able to see that He's got it all under control. Phew. Because down here... it's not always feeling like that, but I'm having to look past the feelings and really feel out (in new and different ways) what He's doing in different ways- ways that have never been comfortable to me and in ways I haven't had to interpret before. I was spending time in the Word last night and a verse was shown on a video I showed the women of my grief and loss group on Tuesday nights, so I thought I would flip there to see what it had to say. 2 Corinthians 1:3-5:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.

The words compassion and comfort just flew off the page and took my breath away. THAT'S WHY THIS HAPPENED!!! Honesty, I didn't really live like I needed the Lord daily before my stroke. In the last 18.5 months, I've needed him EVERYDAY. It was as if He needed to do something DRASTIC to wake me up from my complacency, get my attention, heal me dramatically, learn to lean on Him every day with every little decision, never have any medical reasons for anything- and I'm just a walking miracle. People who find out are just amazed, but it's all to His credit. I don't deserve to still be here, but for some reason unbeknown to me yet, I'm still here, stubborn as ever, learning a lot, and living with a good rear-view mirror in place to see what happened on 2/25/09 but forging ahead still the same. I still tear up when I think back- I have sooo many reminders every day, but that's not the point. He is here WITH ME. This is for a purpose. It will be redeemed. What I have had to go through personally will be used for His glory in time. I can't think of a greater accomplishment. That's all I've wanted. I may not know medically why 2/25/09 happened, but for it to be redeemed eventually, that makes it worth it. And I need to remember that when things turn around and get ugly again. But for now, I'm going to memorize that verse and make it my new life verse. At least He's given me an eternal glimpse of a WHY. And that's better than anything a doctor could have given me.
Love,
Amy Christine

My glass is all full

My counselor shared with me a great little analogy last week during our session (and by the way, I know I have irrational thoughts and I'm not afraid to share that I'm going to a counselor for help- especially since that's what I'm in school for!). Anywhoo... she shared about a friend who left her bible study because "it was too negative". Another friend that stayed in the Bible study said "well, my glass is all full, just maybe with stuff she doesn't want to hear about". I feel like that's my life. My glass is all full, but maybe some people don't want to hear about the trials or things that go wrong. I'm sorry, I just can't "think positively" and make the bad stuff stop happening. If you don't want to hear the bad stuff too, then maybe I shouldn't share anything with you then if it's going to be too hard for you to hear what He's up to- the good and the bad. Having my mom out here was great and I loved having her here, but I asked her and she said that since my stroke, she had noticed that I tended to have a negative outlook on everything (and I know she'll be reading this too. Love You Mom!) My outlook isn't so much negative as it is a healthy all-encompassing view of life. It's not so much that I have a negative outlook or I'm waiting for bad things to happen, but they do happen and I'm going to speak about them the same way I do about the positive things. I can't just think positive thoughts when I have to buy 4 new tires for my car when I'm living off a VERY meager budget. Good thoughts aren't just going to make that money appear. Trust me- I've thought "good thoughts" for a sugar daddy to appear... and I'm still single.

Life is hard, especially when living the way that I am- nearing the end of graduate school, living among an amazing community, an intense internship, and living off of SSDI for income. It's humbling to say, but I really can't do it all on my own. Maybe that was one of God's reason's for bringing the stroke into my life- so I could admit that I can't do it alone and without Him. Maybe this was all for more reliance on Him, because I didn't really live like I needed Him before. If anything, the stroke has certainly taught me to live each day and look to him- financially, spiritually, physically, emotionally... it's all His. So I guess I'm healthily learning that my glass is ALL FULL- the good, the bad, and the ugly. It includes the things that we don't want to talk about or acknowledge. And those are my random thoughts for this morning :) Thanks for continuing to follow along 18.5 months later ;)
With Love,
Amy Christine

I still get emotional

Twice in the past 24 hours, I've been in conversations that have left me almost in tears. Ok, I'll admit it, I cried with the one later on my way home and cried with my professor today for the second one. Turns out I still get really emotional when telling my story. The past 18 months have been so trying, and for seemingly little point or purpose. Every day just leaves me with more questions. I can't give up hope because I've come too far, but my present circumstances leave me at a loss. "Why?" just has a new meaning now. I was in my statistics class today (with the same professor I had 18 months ago when I had the stroke), and I just bawled after class with him as he asked me to explain what had happened and how I'm different now from it. Turns out my Training and Mentoring contract from last semester (learning how to tell my story without it becoming a "bombshell" to myself or the person I was telling) is still a work in progress. I feel like my thoughts are always scattered and even my conversations... so I'm learning what it truly means to have grace with myself in it all. And those are my thoughts for tonight.
Love,
Amy Christine

Isn't that like what my grandpa might have?

I went for a walk last night with a friend that I've really only known in passing. It had been a long hard day with lots of frustrating news, and I didn't know how my of my past he knew, which he needed to know in order to understand why the day had sucked. So I just came out and said it. I've gotten used to people who haven't known my story not being able to tell that anything is "different" about me, because outwardly, I look "normal" (and what is normal anyway? I digress...). His reaction was sort of interesting. "A Stroke? Like what my grandpa might have?" Yes. And the medical field still has no idea why. Or why my headaches disappeared for awhile and then came back with a vengeance. I know outwardly I "look" fine, but cognitively and my memory and everything I have had to fight to gain back... that has been super hard. As I was telling him a little about the past 18 months, I had to fight back tears. It's so hard for me to admit how difficult the last 18 months have been, especially spiritually. To go 18 months without hearing from the Lord when I used to know Him so intimately... So hard for me, and hard for me to admit to him too. Maybe my view on "normal" is really the thing that I need to change my view on after all.

18 months, my first night of group, and Mom's visit

Two milestones happened in the last 48 hours: I started to co-lead my first therapy group (and Donna- one of my supervisors would be so proud- I didn't throw up at all!), and today was my 18 month anniversary. I identified a lot more with the group than I though I would, which is going to be really good for me in this season. Some of their sentiments went like this:

- No one understands
- People think I should be over the grief because it happened years ago and I should "be over it by now"
- Their grief isn't socially acceptable because people don't know what to say. If it was a miscarriage, there would be lines of supporting people, but instead, they just feel isolated and alone.
- Even the people that do know what happened, don't call or write with messages on important days with "I know today must be hard for you"
- They feel like an emotional roller coaster, never knowing how they are going to respond or react to new news
-They want to feel excited for friends that are having babies, but inside, their stomach turns with their unresolved grief

Yes. All of these feelings are, currently and in the past, things I have felt, even when I had no affect until late last fall. I wanted to tell the women my own story, but that would be making the therapy group about me and that's not our purpose. Our purpose is to deal with their unresolved grief and process their loss. It's crazy that I found such comrade and kinship with a bunch of post-abortive women and they do not even know it, nor may I ever tell them (or even how if I did?). When I showed up to the office, the place was locked, finally had one of the custodians let me in, only to find out that the office was about 95 degrees. It was a good thing I was like an hour and a half early! Attack upon Attack. We had so many prayer warriors that I knew things were going to be OK somehow. Turns out when you really start dealing with situations that have kept these women in bondage, that Satan doesn't like them getting freedom. I did really well with their intense emotion- something that has grown on me since the stroke. I am much better with intense emotions, grief, & silence now and I am thankful for that in my own life- personally and professionally. So yes, the group may be a requirement of my program, but I am finding healing there with these women for myself.

My Mom comes tomorrow! We're going to go meet the newest member of the Harms family- little Kaylee Mae. So happy for Phil and Darbi! We're going to go on Banjo Billy's tour of Denver, see a Rockies game, get her a new facebook profile picture, maybe go to Royal Gorge, go to my new church, and visit the DMV (I AM FINALLY able to get my last restriction taken off! Here's to driving at night now!). That last one is going to be the best sight-seeing visit of them all :) And those are my current random thoughts for tonight! Thanks for continuing to follow along with my progress and what I'm doing!
Love,
Amy Christine

Wise thoughts from Carol

Today was hard. I'll be honest- today SUCKED. I saw a woman at my internship, and had a heads up to what situation she had gotten herself into, and thought to myself at supervision "well, sucks to be the counselor who get's to walk with her to make that decision" ... and three hours later, I was sitting across from that very woman. I think if I hadn't had the heads up, I would be curled up in the fetal position right now without words. I'm learning and being stretched SO MUCH. Carol (our financial director at my internship) shared some wisdom with me today. She talked about one of her favorite books by Jim May called "Living at His Place", which explains his main premise as Jesus WANTS and invites us to be involved in the messy-ness of other people's lives. He wants to go to the group on Tuesday and is inviting me to go along and be present for him. That calmed me down a lot. There's nothing I can do in my own power or strength but be present and love them, and communicate that God loves them and does not have judgment or shame for their choice or decision years ago. Powerful stuff. I'm about to be elbow deep in their drama, and I'm OK with that. I'm about to be the only one who hasn't experienced what they're going through, although my own grief and losses have made me the woman I am today, so I can still be present with them in their aches. Still processing how I can be present with them through it, but I'm loving the process of praying and getting ready for Tuesday. Deep breaths and Lot's of prayers. And that's where my thoughts are tonight :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Every day I'm reminded

EVERY DAY I'm somehow reminded of my new limitations, and often end up humbled and in tears. Today I forgot my medical planner and my headache chart that I've been charting my headaches for about 6 weeks when I went to my headache specialist appointment. I've gotten the last restriction cleared for my license, but the doctor who put them on there just got back from his vacation, so it might be another week or two until I can actually go to the DMV to get it officially removed. I have to re-read things like 3 times to make sure I spelled everything right, and STILL have mis-spellings A LOT. When I carry liquids at the DH to serve a group or clear a table, I'm reminded of how weak my left side is because the liquids slosh a lot more than they used to. Every time I shower I look down at my G-tube (feeding tube) scar (on my belly) and remember having to have nurses put food in there to keep me hydrated and fed. I'm still very self-conscious about my trach scar on my neck, and I hate not being able to find the words I'm looking for when talking to people. I'm in graduate school for goodness sake- this shouldn't be so hard for me. My supervisor at my internship tells me not to be so hard on myself, but it's incredibly hard because I know what I used to be capable of. That comparison game gets me every day- with others and with the 'Old Amy' and what she used to be able to do. When I look back to the pictures from my healing journey, it seems like it happened to someone else, because at the time when those pictures were taken, I didn't seem sick--that's the tricky part of a brain injury. Everyday I want to curse 2-25-09 for all that it has taken from me. My independence, my graduation day, my relationship and communion with God, my drivers license- there's been a LOT of crap that I've had to deal with over the last 18 months.

But I also reflect on the more positive things that the Stroke has taught me. Some wonderful blossoming friendships that I have found at a stroke survivor support group. Gradually getting pieces of my independence back. Friendships deepened and some lost because of this event, but I'm realizing that if people can't walk with me through this 'dark season', then they aren't the kind of friends I want around me anyway. Vocational Rehabilitation paying for my schooling and giving me a bus pass. May not seems like a huge deal now, but come re-payment time, I know it will be a huge relief. School is taking me a year longer, but now that it is paid for, I can take my time with it and really focus on what matters in each class. I might get frustrated that reading and paper-writing take me so much longer now (like 2 or 3 times longer than it used to so I have to be UBER diligent) but I'm really soaking up the knowledge. I am so grateful for my internship at Alternatives Pregnancy Center- that at the same time that I learn to take care of my own needs and figure out what it really means to be a woman, I can minister to other women as they go through Crisis. I'm broken and I'm helping them- there's nothing that I have already 'figured out' but I have the opportunity to walk with them and be a listening ear as they go through one of the hardest things they have ever had to encounter- the thoughts surrounding an unplanned pregnancy. I know that this "New Amy" has always been inside, but I'm just now beginning to embrace her and give her words. Jolene (my counselor) is helping me understand and give words to that emerging process. I am incredibly grateful to still be here, but I have both the good and the bad to reflect upon as well. It's a double-edged sword. So those are my thoughts for tonight. And with that, I'm going to go to bed.
Love,
Amy Christine

I passed!

Just wanted everyone to know that I passed my driving exam tonight! (In my best 1997 voice and fist pumping action) YES!

In less than 24 hours...

I'll be driving with an instructor to get my last driving restriction taken away. I haven't driven in the dark for over 18 months. Not only do I have to remember all of the driving rules in front of someone who is evaluating my every move, but for something I haven't done in a REALLY long time. Hi- nerves. Praying that He will be with me like always and I can do this. I should include in my book all of the firsts that I've had to do again in the last 18 months that people never really think about. Yesterday a friend asked me how they re-trained me to swallow- and I had a really hard time remembering and answering. Not only did he ask someone who can barely remember what she had for breakfast most days- but swallowing is such a natural thing that to break it out for someone who's never had to relearn- yeah, foreign. Continuing to take it one day at a time and learning that this is still an area that I don't have any control over, and hate that. Pray for me tomorrow and my time with Lola- I'm scared to death but hate having these restrictions on my license still. I just need His Peace. Thanks!
Love,
Amy Christine

Learning self-care, square pegs, and other thoughts

Meeting with Jolene and reading a book called "The art of extreme self-care" is kicking my butt. I'm realizing that I have had in my mind "I'll do ___ when I graduate" regardless of what ___ was. I am, as Author Cheryl Richardson puts it, "the good girl". That has been my identity for so long I don't know any other way to live. My supervisor Becky says it's like taking on other people's trash. Put that way, I want to get rid of this habit. Now. Not that I want to be a "bad girl" over night or something, but I need to learn how to take care of me and my needs in the process of healing. That feels so foreign to the way I have been thinking, and reading this book is getting me to think about taking better care of ME. As someone in training for counseling, that's incredibly foreign, and I'm not sure that the 'Old Amy' (Aka- pre-stroke Amy) was all that healthy or had things figured out either.

I was feeling a few weeks ago like I wasn't doing something right if I wasn't connecting instantly to my clients at my internship. One of my supervisors pointed out that the counseling I am involved with there is very brief and crisis oriented, and that is not what we are taught at my school. She thinks that it's more of a problem with trying to put a square peg in a round hole. My experiences of what I have been taught aren't fitting this model of my internship because they are two different models. It feels like it doesn't fit, when really it is like comparing apples to pears- they're just different.

I've been reading this book, "Imagining Redemption" by David Kelsey. SUCH a good book, but it has been hitting too close to home on so many levels. I picked it up for my Theology class, but God has had other plans for it in my life. David Kelsey (the author) uses the example of a little boy, Sam, who contracts a rare disease and is in the hospital and in a coma for several months. He is changed forever, has cognitive difficulties, and his father has to grieve the loss of the little boy and the dreams he has held for him that will never be. It's my last paper for this class, but in writing the reflection paper, I'm realizing so many things that I need to still process. My family has had to do that too (grieving), and I've had to do that for the "old Amy" and some of my old dreams. Not that they'll never happen now, but just not in the time frame I had originally envisioned. I have become a wreck, an emotional basket-case, when I think of all that I have gone through in the last year and a half. I'm very grateful to still be here, and the second chance is great, but it has come at a very personal price. I'm very grateful that the Lord has given me people along the way that also have had to endure hardships and we can share what we have gone through together. I have started to go to a young Stroke Survivors support group, and found people there that have the same worries and fears that I have gone through. Finally there are other people there that get it. A piece of my heart that was longing for a home and acceptance has found a place to belong again. I've needed that belonging in so many ways. It's not perfect, but it's a start. A start towards healing & redemption.
And those are my thoughts for tonight :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Starting to become more of an introvert

Today we had a huge downing house picnic and got to put the name of a lot of people that I've heard of with their faces. Then I went to city park to meet my old PT and hear "Jazz in the park". I used to be an off the charts extrovert, and now- people just tax me and take energy that I don't have. That totally didn't used to be me, and it's hard for me to say "I need to go home and go to bed" because I want to be with the people- I just don't have the mental energy to be there with them anymore. That feels selfish to me, especially since I'm going to school for counseling but I've been realizing, if I'm not healthy and putting me first- then I won't be able to concentrate on my clients or their issues, so in a back-handed sort of way, it's for my career as a helping professional to learn to take care of me as I journey through school. Friends of mine have asked- is this 'fatigue' thing new? No, I think it's been there since the stroke, but I'm just learning the words to put with the feeling. For so many years I just pushed through my migraine pain because of school or whatever, but I'm learning to live with a brain injury is totally different, and as I get this degree, I not only want to apply the classroom learning but the life learning that comes along with it to how I live out my personal life. So, no, it's not new, I'm just learning to put the words that I've been learning about into practice in my own life. The fancy term for it is 'self-care', and that's never been something I've been good at, but it's something I want to get better at. So taking a lighter load with courses and really applying myself in my courses is important for me. And those are my thoughts for this evening. And I'm going to apply this to my life by going to bed now! :)
Love,
Amy Christine

Reflections after meeting with Jolene and unpacking

I met with my wonderful counselor earlier this week, Jolene, and every time, she just kicks me in the butt. In a good and healthy way. In a way I can receive it, hear the words, apply the message, and have it make sense. It's so great to be with someone who GETS IT (the brain injury thing) and I don't have to work at explaining why I haven't been drinking but I'm slurring my words at 3pm in the afternoon. She's also had a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) and is single later in life, so we just get each others mindset in a lot of ways. It's really refreshing to have her explain her perspective and take on me before my stroke and what it is like being in my presence now. It's incredibly validating to have someone else notice the leaps and bounds of progress I'm (trying and attempting) to make along this journey. We both agree that this Amy has always been here, but a lot of the defense mechanisms that I used to use with other people to have them agree with me or try to outsmart them are diminished now, so I get easily flustered and frustrated. This typically happens when I can't get someone to follow my logic to see why they are in the wrong or why my way of doing something is easier or better for example. Take anything that a normal person does: it takes me twice as long to do. Take that book that you read before bed last night- twice as long. That paper- also twice or three times as long. I'm incredibly grateful to still be here, but when I get honest, I don't even want a remedy or a healing- I just want a cure, as if this hadn't had happened at all. It's so incredibly frustrating to have to sleep so much, fail tests in school, be pushed aside by friends, and deal with so much red tape and pain on a daily basis and then looked at like no one understands because they don't. It's incredibly isolating, especially alone. Not that having someone else with me here would make this easier, but at least there would be someone else in the process to go through it with me.

I unpacked some stuff last night from a challenge Jolene gave me, and since I had lived out of boxes for over a year, I really didn't think it had much merit. I was wrong. My head can think better. I actually have a place where I can come back to and call HOME. It's been 17 MONTHS since I could say that. Gosh, I've missed that feeling. She was right. I needed to unpack some things and actually have a place to come back and write papers and BE MYSELF at. Pictures and stuff aren't fully up yet, but I purchased the stuff today and I'm hoping to do that tomorrow after I help throw a baby shower for my friend Tara and read for a class.

love,

Amy Christine